Scorpio: Despite existing in a time in which many your age have a fear of labels, you would enjoy being in a committed, loyal relationship. Alas, such partners are scarce, so instead you’re focusing on cultivating equally satisfying sexual relationships. (Are you blushing, Starfire?)
Sagittarius: You’re evaluating your options to see which of them, if any, are compatible enough to be your fellow traveler on life’s voyage. It is entirely likely that none of them will be able to hold your interest for long, each potential suitor a fleeting pit stop.
Capricorn: There is a plan in place to find and attract a partner, but you also have many methodical processes in progress for various aspects of your life, so it may take some time for your dating goals to come to fruition.
Aquarius: While society has come a long way in terms of becoming more open-minded toward nontraditional romantic and sexual relationships, unfortunately the type of relationship you desire is not widely practiced. Surely, Starfire, you of all people understand the narrow-minded restrictions under which we live!
Pisces: You’ve recently separated your essence from another’s and, while this dissolution of intermingling souls was saddening, it was also necessary, and you’re currently taking time to sift through the myriad emotions you feel in its wake before you begin your search anew.
III. Deep Breaths: Coping Mechanisms for the Single Person
Sometimes, an excuse and a smile aren’t enough to get out of certain situations: sometimes, you have to just grit your teeth, turn that grimace into a grin, and bear it. Being a reasonable adult is the worst: remember the days in which you could just throw a tantrum with very few repercussions? If only we could go back to our toddler years. But, we can’t, so instead we have to trick our brains into thinking we’re less miserable than we are, and while that’s not a good long-term solution, for one night, it’s good enough.
DISSOCIATIVE DAYDREAMS/MINDFULNESS ACTIVITIES
So you’re riding solo at (circle one) your best friend’s baby shower/your sister’s wedding rehearsal dinner/your cousin’s graduation party/a required work holiday party, and you somehow end up talking to the most self-involved, boring person there, who sees you as a vaguely sentient, empty vessel for them to project all of their hopes and dreams upon. You’ve been mistaken for someone who actually cares about the minute details of their (circle one) recent dental surgery/D&D campaign/Florida resort vacation/house renovation. Escape is impossible, and you’ve resignedly pasted on your best, fake “active listening” face, just like your mother taught you. But that doesn’t mean all is lost! Retreat into the fortress that is your beautiful, weird mind and get lost in intricate fantasies and irreverent “what if” scenarios. For example:
Lovingly plot out your dream date (platonic or romantic) with your celebrity of choice. Whether it’s going to a dog park with Chris Evans (he laughs at all of the dogs’ antics in his typical hand-on-chest, head-thrown-back pose, don’t you dare pretend like you don’t know what I’m talking about), having brunch with John Cho (yes, he is genuinely interested in hearing about the minutiae of your work drama with Brenda from HR, and would you like a bite of his avocado toast? He’s happy to share.), attending a music festival with Tessa Thompson (she always remembers to tell you to hydrate or reapply sunscreen, and knows exactly which bands to see and which ones to skip), or even just hanging out at home while Oscar Isaac makes you a delicious cocktail (he might even throw in a back rub—who are we kidding, of course he’ll throw in a back rub), this is the time to indulge!
My roommate and I like to play this little game where we ask each other, “What should I reward myself with for getting through this awful [mildly uncomfortable] situation?” Because, as you know, we millennials grew up in a culture of instant gratification and participation trophies, according to baby boomers. (Which generation created and then raised millennials in such a culture, hmmmm?? Toddlers can’t mass-produce their own participation trophies, Geoff!!! But I digress…) In actuality, it’s because capitalism is a drug, and when big things like the economy and climate change majorly suck (see: Why Millennials Aren’t Having Kids on page 24), then taking solace in the goodness of small joys is all we have left. Contemplate what will soothe you after being asked three times in a row if you’re still sad about how Things Ended with Kevin (honestly, Kevin was a blip, you always forget you dated him, and you are not sad about how things slowly and passionlessly dissolved). These little treats can range from doing a face mask at home while diving into that TV show/fanfic/pint of ice cream that you’ve been saving for a tough day like today, to stopping at your favorite fast-food place and ordering that perfect combo of French fries and milkshake, to going into your favorite store and buying a pretty bauble that you don’t need but would never buy otherwise. Give yourself something to look forward to! Otherwise, this event will stretch on like a dark tunnel of nothingness, and it’s best to save that sort of existential dread for 3 a.m. insomnia or Deep Shower Thoughts!
Is there a movie you’ve seen so many times you can quote it almost entirely by memory? One in which you know every scene, every wardrobe change, every minute look and tone? Go ahead and play that movie in your head, start to finish. Unlike this snooze fest of a party, it’ll be a guaranteed good time. Finally, knowing that Mr. Darcy dives into that pond at exactly the four-hour, twenty-three-minute mark will actually come in handy! If you want to get incredibly creative, you can even imagine people from the party in the movie: my personal favorite is picturing a work nemesis as Regina George from Mean Girls, especially during that iconic bus scene.
What will the new animal trend be? We’ve cycled through owls and foxes and llamas and flamingos, but what’s next? Pandas? Dolphins? Honestly, we can do better. We’re playing it safe as a society! We could go quirkier, we could get weirder (owls are pretty weird, though—have you ever seen one turn its freaky little head around?). Think about this: raccoons. They’re perfect! They’re cute enough to make into wide-eyed cartoons for toddler T-shirts but not so cute that the average millennial wouldn’t want to buy a mug with the handle as a striped tail. Whether we want to admit it or not, we can all relate a bit to a vicious little night-dweller who stays out too late consuming trash, and I’m ready to see the raccoon get the recognition she deserves!!
What would a modern episode of a beloved, now syndicated TV show be about? For the purpose of this exercise, let’s pick 30 Rock. Which US senator/representative, in a desperate attempt to be cool and pander to a younger demographic, would appear on the show? Perhaps as a subplot, both Jenna and Tracy are in a feud with James Corden, who they claim stole the idea for Carpool Karaoke from them. Liz Lemon, fed up with the coolness/weirdness of people on Tinder and Bumble, might accidentally create a dating app called Frumple. Frumple, for people who just want to stay at home and work on their night cheese. You wish you were at home on your couch with some night cheese right now. Oh, God, you can’t think about night cheese too hard, otherwise that longing will show up on your politely blank face.
If you won the $100 million Powerball, what would you do with the money? Better yet, you have to pick one practical, one philanthropic, one fun, and one ridiculous rich-person thing to divide your money among (so you can’t just say you’d save it all, although who actually would ever do that??).
VENUS IS NOWHERE TO BE FOUND, AKA THE SINGLE PERSON TAROT SPREAD
For those of you who aren’t into tarot or astrology or any witchy stuff (yet), feel free to skip this section. For those of you who are, welcome. I don’t know about you, but I like to do a tarot spread at least once a week; it helps clear my mind while simultaneously focusing on thoughts and emotions that I normally push aside in a desperate attempt to function, hahaha, ohmygod. In a way, tarot cards and readings can be therapeutic (although by no means do they replace actual therapy!).
The following spread can be done whenever you want, but was specifically made for giving you clarity and strength when having to go to or endure something (or someone) th
at you don’t want to, aka, when you’re forced to mingle. Staying home in your safe and cozy apartment is not always an option, alas, so the cards are here to help!
1. What are my intentions going into this encounter?
2. What will give me strength in this situation?
3. What will hinder me from succeeding?
4. What do I need to release?
5. What am I able to control in this situation?
6. What am I not able to control?
7. What lessons can I learn here?
HOW TO SURVIVE SEEING YOUR EX: HOT TIPS
Did you shudder just reading this title? If so, I don’t blame you. I don’t know about you, but the idea of running into any of my exes, even the ones with whom the breakups were amicable, makes me want to crawl into a hole and never come out. Here’s to being a hermit forever!
Sometimes, however, the universe doles out cruel and unusual punishments (or life is just uncontrollable chaos that we can never predict, whichever) and you happen to run into them—on the street, at the grocery store, leaving the gym, wherever. The odds increase when you’re both back home for the holidays, ugh. It’s even worse if they’re with friends, family, or, heaven forbid, their new SO. Why, you ask God, whether or not you believe in Him, are you putting me through this? While I can’t answer that question, I can, at the very least, give you tips on how to get through it, the absolute worst situation in which you are “forced to mingle”:
I’m sure, in any dream (or nightmare?) scenario in which you run into your ex, you look your absolute best, like, favorite outfit, freshly cut hair, just so sleek and polished that they forget that the majority of the time you were together you were in your favorite raggedy college sweatpants. If you happen to run into them while looking that glamorous, I congratulate you. If, however, your hair is sweaty and matted from your recent Pilates class, and you’re in workout gear that should’ve been replaced two presidents ago, my best advice is to fake it until you make it. Lift your chin up high and resolutely ignore that bead of sweat that’s dripping down your temple. À la Queen Elizabeth II, never complain, never explain. And never apologize for your appearance in front of said ex, and instead maintain a cheerful (self-deprecating if you must, but try to avoid that) attitude until the nightmare has passed and you can go home and take a long shower to scrub away any and all feelings you have about this encounter.
Unless your breakup was absolutely horrific, unfortunately you cannot run away from them and simply must endure this interaction. As painful as it may be, you have to be polite. Similar to the old refrain about pretending your audience is in their underwear while public speaking, pretend that your ex, well, isn’t your ex. The closest thing you should strive for is to pretend that they’re a business acquaintance and treat them like one: being cool, cordial, and slightly overly formal is the way to go. To me, being formal translates to being impersonal, while still being polite and maintaining the upper hand.
Here’s the thing: no matter what they ask you, don’t lie. I don’t care if your life is in utter shambles: making up bold-faced lies, like you’ve been promoted to your company’s CEO and are dating Chris Evans and have a brand-new, fabulous apartment, is tempting, but can easily be proven wrong with two clicks of a Google search. I also don’t care if your ex looks better than they ever have, with their arm wrapped around an equally gorgeous new partner. I sympathize, but I don’t care, because lying will just give you more anxiety! If you must, just put a “positive spin” on the truth. For instance, if your job sucks, find some kernel of truth about one thing you like about it, and emphasize that. Like, say your current job is fine, but not as fulfilling as you want it to be, and you are looking at other options. If you’re unemployed, sidestep any questions about your old job, and discuss the new jobs and fields you’re currently applying to, etc.
Okay, but what if your ex is with someone new and you aren’t? Isn’t it okay to lie then? No, it’s not! If you absolutely must, you can say that you’re dating around right now and not looking for anything serious, wink wink, or you can say that you just don’t have time in your life for romance, if it bothers you that much. But there’s no shame in being single, no matter how much anyone says otherwise, including your ex.
Keep things short and concise; get in and get out. Being impersonal also means that you don’t need to feel obligated to stand there while they ramble about their life. Make it clear (if it’s not already to them) that you’re both adults, but you’re not friends, and neither of you needs to act like you are. Exchange very surface-level pleasantries, tell them to have a nice night (or nice life, if you’re feeling just a smidgen petty), and hightail it out of there (a brisk, purposeful walk with perfect posture is best here).
IV. Just a Sweet, Sweet (Single-Person) Fantasy
Single or not, doesn’t everyone constantly walk around with a running narrative in their head of perfect/ridiculous things that would never happen in real life? It’s just that the fantasies of single people who just want to be left alone might have a different flavor than other people’s. There’s no shame in that game! If it helps you get through the day, there’s no harm in that. Indulge to your heart’s content!
PUT TOGETHER YOUR IDEAL BENEFITS PACKAGE AND WE’LL GIVE YOU A FAKE SIGNIFICANT OTHER TO DISCUSS AT YOUR NEXT EVENT
People keep asking us single folks what we’re looking for in a significant other, and sure, that’s important to think about if you’re actually looking for that kind of thing, but do you know what people rarely ask us about that we’re always looking for? Health care! That beautiful, intangible “adult” thing that we never worried about until we were twenty-six and unceremoniously kicked off our parents’ plans. Now we’re left to click back and forth between healthcare.gov and our company’s website, seeing if our accident-prone selves can survive in this world with a high deductible and whether our co-pay is low enough that we can afford the therapy we so desperately need. That’s what’s really important here, Aunt Carol, not setting me up with your neighbor’s godchild!
Listen. In an ideal world, we would all get the benefits package and the partner of our dreams. But in this version of the universe, sometimes we get none or part of those things (medical with limited dental and an occasional hookup who “doesn’t like to put labels on things”). Also in an ideal world? People would accept that someone is single without batting an eye or asking uncomfortable follow-up questions or offering to set them up. If we lived in that world, perhaps we wouldn’t need to stoop to making someone up just to get some peace and quiet at the next cul-de-sac cookout. But, folks, here we are!
This quiz will indulge in that beautiful fantasy world of naturopathic medicine coverage and tolerance combined with the groundwork for creating the “perfect” partner… for tonight, anyway:
1. How many doctor’s visits per year should your insurance cover? a. 0. Doctors are needle-happy quacks, and the herbs in my garden will heal any ailment just fine, thanks.
b. 1–2. I would like a professional to do the usual: tell me to lose ten pounds and say my blood pressure is too high but proclaim that I’m “basically” healthy and should live another year. Joy.
c. 3+. The most meaningful relationship I have is with WebMD and I’m convinced that every particle of dust is out to get me. I need someone to tell me I’m not dying at least once a month!!
2. Pick one only: dental coverage or vision coverage. a. Neither. Teeth are bones, and as long as they don’t break, then why do you need to have them cleaned? You don’t have the bones on the inside of your body cleaned! As for your eyes, glasses companies are capitalistic enterprises that prey on people’s fear of their entropic bodies. If you can’t see perfectly, who cares! You can get by with a blurry outline of Aunt Carol.
b. Vision. Worse comes to worst, there are dental implants, but you can’t replace your eyes!
c. Dental. If the idea of having a mouthful of rotting bones doesn’t freak you out, what will?
3. Would you r
ather have a lower deductible or a lower out-of-pocket maximum? a. I understand all of those words separately, but they lose all meaning one after the other.
b. A lower deductible. I usually stay pretty healthy throughout the year and just go to regular checkups, dental cleanings, and perhaps the occasional physical therapy session.
c. A lower out-of-pocket maximum. I tore my ACL twice in the past four years—I’m a goddamn disaster of a human being.
4. Pick one reproductive-focused service to be covered: birth control, freezing your eggs, or adoption fund. a. Freezing my eggs. The way the dating landscape looks now, there’s no way in hell I’m going to find someone to date/marry/have kids with before my ovaries shrivel up completely.
b. Birth control. I don’t even want to think about having kids in the next few years, thanks.
c. Adoption fund. I don’t see any point in bringing more children into this dumpster fire of a world, but I certainly wouldn’t mind giving a good home to a child already in it.
5. Select one self-care add-on: therapist, nutritionist, or gym membership. a. Nutritionist. My body is a temple, and considering the amount of toxins and gross chemicals in food these days, it’s best if I know exactly what I should and can consume.
b. Therapist. Who wouldn’t benefit from talking things out with a licensed professional who is trained to help navigate the rocky waters that we call life?
c. Gym membership. My life can be so stressful and rigid, and the best way for me to relieve that stress sometimes is releasing it through physical activity.
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