by Candice Iloh
tell me I ain’t
clean
All right, all right
you got it
I say, ending
today’s debate
having already
learned in just
four days
that there’s
no argument
Kendra doesn’t win
but I kinda liked
losing, given
I always learn something new
and she’s the first person
on campus to care
enough about what I
had to say
to really fight it
She’s now got her feet on my bed
thumbing through
my textbooks stacked
on the side
but I don’t fight it
I think she’s my friend already
even though there’s still
room for things to happen
still room for me to mess things up
SIXTH GRADE
Today I don’t care
that everyone is staring
as I make my way to the back
of the classroom where the only seat
left open waits for me
the look my teacher throws my way
the quiet that takes over class when I arrive
the curious looks from my darkened upper lip
to my chubby waist
to my boyish clothing
can’t bring me down from
the high I feel
knowing
after school I’m leaving my dad
to spend the weekend with my mama
Pulling up to my mama’s driveway
I don’t know which mother I’ll get this time
but I’m happy
here I’m far from rules
Mama says I can do whatever I want
as long as I don’t
start some shit
as long as I leave her
alone
But Mama and I are not alone
after Dad drives away
another car pulls up and Mama says
put on your shoes
we goin out to eat tonight
my man is paying
says
ooh! and we can stop after and get a movie
you can pick whichever you want
hurry up
we can’t leave Jay waiting
I almost forgot
about Jay even though
Mama always had a man
and she had told me
she found a good one
over the phone
the scents of cigarettes, beer
and cheap cologne attack
my nostrils just after I close
his Cadillac’s back door
how you doin, girl
he says
yo daddy let you out the house
to stay wit us, huh
I know the smell
creeping between Jay’s
words and strange chuckle
cause Mama wears that scent too
they both seem to be in the perfect mood
and I’m hungry
Jay wasn’t really waiting for me to answer
and we begin to pull off, his
right hand clutching
Mama’s thigh
Mama’s thigh moves
side to side
the way it does when she is giddy
or telling a story
or drunk
I think this is one of those times
when she is all three
And Jay tightens his squeeze
whenever we turn a corner
or whenever they laugh
They seem to be laughing
through our whole ride to the restaurant
and my stomach does flips as Jay pulls
the car into park
I don’t know if this is hunger or fear
But I choose hunger and decide
to be happy that this meal will be
free
and Mama seems happy
so I just go along
And I go along with it
when Mama tells me that today
I am ten even though we know I am twelve
if anyone asks, you are ten
you hear me? we know
you’re miss perfect
but just say you’re miss perfect ten
today she says, mocking me
I nod and say
okay
When we’ve been seated
a menu for kids has been placed
in front of me that reads
Bite-sized Prices for 10 and Under
and I understand
I understand
what kind of night this will be
what kind of night Mama and I
will have sort of together
when she is staring
into Jay’s eyes
mumbling things
I am not supposed to hear
what kind of night this will be
is what I know when the food
comes with a pitcher of beer
with glasses for each
so I pat my growling belly
try and trace the lines of
my cartoon place mat
that is for kids two years
or more below my age
and eat in silence
I don’t notice the silence
is only in my head until
Mama’s cackle jerks me
from my place mat trance
I had been watching
the lines curve and
loop and dance
around the page
with trivia questions
and matching numbers
to questions like
how many feet in a mile
how many marbles in this jar
could you escape this maze?
No one can really escape
Mama’s laugh
usually set off like gunfire
at something only
she found funny
this time it was a joke
about how strict my daddy is
this time it was a joke
about my proper speech
I loved Mama’s laugh
the way it would erupt
from her belly unexpected
and outrageous
I loved Mama’s laugh
the way it didn’t care
who was around
or who agreed
Mama’s laugh
meant joy
meant she
was at peace
Before a storm there is always peace
and my belly is full
walking back to the car
with Jay and Mama hand-in-hand
clouds above us a weird gray under a blue-black sky
a light drizzle begins
to come down just before
we are in our seats, belted
and ready to head to Redbox to grab a movie
Mama alerts me
that Jay will be picking the movie
we will be staying in the car out of the rain
but, Mom, you said—
YOU JUST THINK YOU DESERVE
EVERYTHING
Jay is now back out
of the car
and Mama is screaming
WHY YOU ALWAYS GOTTA
ASK STUPID-ASS QUESTIONS
LIKE WE
<
br /> AIN’T JUST PAY FOR EVERYTHING
LIKE WE
DIDN’T JUST FEED YOU
YOU THINK
YOU CAN “BUT MOM” ME?
I know better
than to answer any
of these questions
instead I stare
out my window
trying to count the stray
raindrops that fall
and are swirling down
the window and wonder
how they just form
patterns of water like that
how they never seem
out of place
how they just
know where to go?
COLLEGE
So do you wanna go or what?
at some point
in all this talk about
people paying to
go to school
to dance
it slipped
my mind that
Kendra had
asked me if
I wanted to
go to some
party
it had been
easy to change
the subject since
there was never
a time she couldn’t
go off about dance
but the truth was
I was hoping
she forgot too
if I don’t drink
and don’t really
know anybody
if I don’t drink
and some boy tries
to grind up from behind
what then
am I supposed to do?
Oh-uhh-yeah
I mean
I don’t really uh
think I can go
cause you know
I got practice
I mean
I don’t have practice
but the team does
you know I uh
gotta be there
with the team
Coach says
I always gotta
be there
uh you know
to do my job
you know
plus I gotta like
study
how that goes
I say shuffling clothes
aimlessly around the room
The party starts at eleven
so you know uh
you can like I mean
get your shit together
after work and uh
still go you know
if uh you’re not
too uh tired
to kick it with me
she mocks
besides, do you SEE this dust?
she says dragging a finger
dramatically across
the accounting 101 cover
ain’t nobody studying
up in here
somehow seeing
through my attempt
to get out of
dragging myself
through my first
awkward college party
She’s stopped thumbing
through my bookshelf
now sitting straight up
watching me
looking through me
it’s not you
that I don’t
wanna hang out with
it’s just that I—
she interrupts
my half-formed excuse
raising a stiff palm
toward me:
whoever it is
fuck em
we’re going
TWELFTH GRADE
I’ve named her Magic
and every time I’ve drawn her
her toes point so tough
her whole leg glowed strong
with muscle and grace
just like my dance teacher
taught me
Dad doesn’t know it yet
but I can dance
she’s more than just
a pointed toe now
her sculpted body sprawls out
on the page like a giant X
her hands reach toward
the top corners
as if reaching out
to grab the sky
I named her Magic cause
she can do anything
jump, turn, move to
any music life plays
I played around a lot
in art class until today
when I bring in Magic
for Ms. Lesley to see
she says for the last
semester of our high school
careers we will study superheroes
I wait until the end of class
to share every piece
I’ve drawn Magic in
tell her these are nothing
tell her it’s just something
I do when I feel sad
she glides her hand across
each as if she is just searching
for the truth
The truth is
I don’t know why I keep drawing this body
that no one thinks of when looking at me
or why today I decide someone else should
see this character I want to be, this woman
I’ve seen leaping through all my dreams
And in my dreams of course
Magic is always dancing
in each scene
there is always an audience
waiting for the next thing
crowds part to see her stomp
and dip low
arch her back
and move
while the cuts in her muscles
gleam under a bright sun
or lights that shine
just as bright
She asks me why I brought her here
repeats you have the next five months to study superheroes
look at them, the way their bodies are drawn we see what they can do
I have never heard of this one before, who is she
superheroes use x-ray vision
superheroes have wings
superheroes move buildings
superheroes do unbelievable things
superheroes save
who will Magic save?
I know
she works hard
not to look at me
like I’m crazy
a seventeen-year-old girl
who’s been drawing
a superhero
who doesn’t have
someone
to save
but
Ms. Lesley just smiles
looks back and forth
between the sketches
of Magic and me
and says: that’s funny. Magic kind
of looks like you
(really?)
What you may not know is this:
After the day Dad found me on the floor of my bedroom I never shared my drawings again until today but there are hundreds of her tucked in every corner of my things. Magic in my backpack. Magic in my closet. Magic in my desk. Magic under my bed. I didn’t know how to draw faces so I studied mine. I didn’t know how to draw legs so I studied mine. I didn’t know how to draw arms so I studied mine. But I had never worked out a day in my life so I had to upgrade her. Started taking notes from anime even though sometimes Dad looked at me strange cause the girls looked too much like women and were too sexy. But they were magical cause their bodies could fight and would win. That’s how M
agic got her name.
COLLEGE
They call me by every name
but the one my mama and dad
gave me when I was born
running up and down the court
catering to musty butts and sweaty balls
you’d swear my real name was Shorty
New-New, or the African Chick if you took the team seriously
but the only reason why I do is cause
the coach makes sure I get paid
and on some days basketball practice
was the only time I felt
like a woman
You’d swear they’d never
seen a woman
the way these idiots act
every time I step
into the gym
each monday
wednesday
and friday
for practice
wearing
the same thing
I had on
last time
whistles
stares
comments
an ongoing game
between them
to see
who
can wear me down
first
not knowing
I’d already
been stupid enough
to say yes
once
Ayo! I’m only gon let you call my girl shorty once
aight?
Derek says, with a wink
chucking his sweaty towel at me
wishing he wouldn’t
call me that I start to
yell back in protest
but Coach has this stupid
rule where I’m only seen
and not heard until practice is over
says there’s only
one coach runnin the team
and it definitely ain’t nobody wearin panties
so I pretend not to hear
turn my back and ignore
his fake attempts to claim me