by Candice Iloh
Practice somehow ends
a half circle
around the now-full
basket of sweaty towels
set in front of me
the team talking
about
the party
a half circle
of jokes flung
around
amongst players
mapping out
how much ass
would be up for grabs
a half circle
of plans targeting
available fresh meat
how to get it
who could get it
what it took to get it
first
If you want to get first dibs
on a freshman:
you gotta walk up to her
right
walk up to her real smooth
with a cup in your hand
right
cause you know bitches like free shit
feel me
explains Elliot, point guard, in between daps
you walk up to her
tell her you heard all about her
put ya hand on her lower back
like right above her booty
make her think
she the only one in the room
make her think she special
like she the only one you want
right
when she ask what you heard
just tell her you don’t believe the hype
just tell her you rather she show you
the truth
Son, that was the corniest shit
I’ve ever heard
you can’t tell me
that actually works
these are college women
they’re not falling
for these corny ass lines
talkin about
how you rather they show you
Derek says, winking at me attempting to earn
points
you gotta be too busy
to notice they even there
cause you’re busy and shit
then BAM!
slide in the DMs with all the jokes
let em know you not pressed but then have em
laughin
[nope
wrong again]
oh yeah, well
it worked on that shorty
from Brooklyn
Elliot shoots me a look
what’s her name again he pauses, snapping his finger
oh yeah
Sophia
I don’t know if it’s Sophia
coming up in conversation
or Derek being stupid enough
to share his weak game with the team
as if he believes that’s how he “got” me
but suddenly the gym is much smaller
than it was before
and the sweat stink
of all the players
becomes my own
coating the insides
of my nostrils
and all of my teeth
well we all
make mistakes sometimes,
don’t we I blurt out
louder than planned
the whole team freezes
turning toward the useless thing
they suddenly realize is still standing here listening
and wait for Elliot to respond with something clever
well we all know what it’s like
to slide through the campus ho
from time to time
don’t we Elliot replies locking eyes with me
in between handshakes
I hear fast steps
between my heavy breaths
coming from behind me
outside
heading far
away from the gym
my fist tightened around
my bunch of keys
each one squeezed
between fingers
just the way I’d learned
on the news
always
ready for attackers
strange men
I don’t know
on the street
Derek’s life
spared
by the sound
of his voice
calling my name
pulling me alert
just before rushing
to block
my path
Come on, Slim, slow down
it’s just me
he says finally catching up
that supposed to mean something?
I cut
well you been in my bed, so—
don’t I cut him off
that’s exactly what I’m talking about
you’re no different from the rest of them
what, cause I was talkin about women
with the team, come on now he pleads
because you didn’t say anything
when Elliot called Sophia a ho
well how do I know she ain’t one?
he asks, a stupid smirk infamously growing across his face
because she just isn’t! nobody calls YOU a ho
even though all you and those assholes do is talk about is gettin girls
cause women are women and men are men
and they shouldn’t be out here tryna do what we do
I told you your mouth was gon get you in trouble
he continues you don’t need to be out here tryna
save hos like Sophia unless you want people
thinking you’re one too he says reaching for my waist
so what if they do think it I say
is the whole world gonna hate me too?
Kendra says I should meet her on the yard
the part of campus
that seems like
the whole school
revolves around it
with old classroom buildings
shaped to its four corners
facing the university flagpole
just in case you ever get lost
amongst the crowds
of all the other confused freshmen
trying to find ways
to their new homes
that now sit on a hill
found in a new universe of
books, parties, and sex
where we all could just go
back to the center
try our best not to panic
stand still and wait
for someone to discover us lost
and claim us as their own
She’s sitting on the steps
to the entrance leaning
against the wall as if this dorm is her own
I’m wondering if I got
the time mixed up
or misread the text
telling me where we should meet
she reads this confusion
on my face immediately
I figured I better meet you back here
you know just in case you
try to climb out the back window
run the other direction or something
by the look on your face
I can tell I’m probably right
It’s harder to close out the world
when a whole new one
is sitting there
smiling up at you
waiting at your doorstep
when you notice
she’s let her hair down
ditched the tee
and sweats
for a crop top and jeans
when you’re curious
wanting to know what it’s like
to not let the day
rob you of a good night
A thick cloud
thrusts itself
out into the air
at the entrance
of the dark blue
row house we
could already hear
from down the street
as if it’d been waiting
for somebody
to set it free
off-campus housing
apartments
with their own
set of rules
set by upperclassmen
who’ve earned rights to wreck
eardrums
lungs
liver
damp bodies
so full they tip over
pour out
onto the sidewalk
with the smoke
Kendra pulls me in
before I can
change my mind
In my mind
college parties
were painted
just like this:
everything too loud
everywhere too dark
everyone close and touching
Kendra leads me
to open space
toward the back
we pass by walls
that dudes lean against
not yet drunk enough to dance
talking to girls
not yet drunk enough
if grabbed to go along
reach the kitchen
where everyone surrounds
a table with cups
bottles glisten
being passed and emptied
under dim light
standing behind it
Elliot at the center
a red cup in hand
the other
rested above
a freshman girl’s booty
Look who it is
shorty with the smart mouth
always givin somebody
a hard time
what you drinkin tonight
he asks, placing his hands
on the table
leaning over the bottles
his attention fully turned
toward me
you need to loosen up
we all here
to have a good time
my eyes flick down
at the can of soda already in my hands
thanks but I’m good
his smile widens
so I can see how he gets
first dibs in action
then glances at Kendra
eyes scan the full length of her body
from behind the brim of his cup
sips and asks and what about you
sweetheart?
don’t tell me you scared of a good time
too
It couldn’t have been
more than fifteen minutes
since we’d gotten there
but we felt the steady press
of new people at the party
on our backs getting harder
to hear and bodies forced
to move in tight
Kendra takes a step
closer to the table
making sure her eyes
meet with Elliot’s
scared for what,
sweetheart?
we’re good
besides I bring
my own “good time,” she air quotes
who knows how long
you been at this table
running your mouth
or what type of shit
you’ve done to these drinks
be careful, sis, she warns the girl
still waiting silent behind Elliot
with a paused look
over his right shoulder
grazes my arm
as she turns toward
the music
and walks away
Elliot throws up the Black Power fist
mocking Kendra’s solidarity
with his next freshman conquest
laughs to himself
opens his mouth
to say something else to me
I hear nothing now
with my back turned
but the sound
of the music growing
louder above the crowd
see how Kendra
swings her hips
with her eyes closed
lets herself sway
solo to the beat
in just minutes
watch how many hands
of sweaty unknowns she swats
dodging entitled boys’ advances
drawn to her free curves
watch her wave off
attention most girls wish for
watch her shoo away
come-ons in the dark attracted
like flies to a dangerous light
She opens her eyes
only for a second
coyly smiles with them
using them
to invite me over
at first I think
to say no
then let my body
take me
Minutes later
the crowd becomes
a circle around me
around us
feeling the music like
every song is mine
every drum kick
bassline connecting
her winding hips
and my thighs moving in and out
we don’t notice the crowd thicken
till the dj shouts us out
we still forget
people are looking
feel myself lose it
hearing hip-hop
shift to soca
then become afrobeat
feel rhythms rock
any inhibition
I came with
feel every surface
on me moisten
feel my center
tingle
rise
heat
We’re snapped back
into reality when a girl
whose face I can’t really see
bumps too hard against me
on her way to the bathroom
a guy who looks familiar
trails close behind her
one hand
on the small
of her back
holding her steady
a familiar wave
of heads turns toward
the shiny figure’s
sparkle
beaming both
from her lips
and fingers
covered in rings
I stand still
squint
for a better look
recognize the gloss
the sea of the same
admirers
the dumb smile
charming and ugly
just before
they disappear
behind
a closed door
Are you thirsty
I think I’ma get a drink
it’s hot as hell in here
and you were GONE
didn’t know
you moved like that
for a second I don’t
realize who’s
talking to me
huh?
I said it’s hot
do you want something
drink? she says
sounding irritated
this time
damn
one minute you here
the next minute you not
Kendra
shit
I’m sorry I—
her hand goes up
motioning me
to stop
fuck em
she reminds me
I’m actually
ready to go, for real
you hungry?
Before Derek and Sophia had walked through
the crowd
it was only me
and Kendra
in that room
sweating
owning the floor
like we were
somebody’s
backup dancers
or like
two hot girls
in a cool club
somewhere
in New York City
the sexiest things
under red lights
where everybody
dances consumed
in their own world
before Sophia
barely made it
back there
drunk
in her too-high
heels
before Derek
followed behind her
like a dumb dog
after his bone
it was just us
and I was free
Why didn’t you
dance with any
of those guys who
tried to get with you
in there
I ask her coming down
front steps now back outside
they weren’t
really tryna dance
Kendra tells me, laughing
with a look that questions
my seriousness and how
I could be so naive
grindin up
on my booty
tryna feel me up
while I dance and they
just stand there
gettin all this for free
that ain’t dancing
that’s dry humpin
and I’m a—
lady?
I interrupt
attempting
to predict the rest
of her sentence
nah a dancer
I like to actually dance
I don’t go to these little parties