Every Body Looking

by Candice Iloh

  tell me I ain’t

  clean

  All right, all right

  you got it

  I say, ending

  today’s debate

  having already

  learned in just

  four days

  that there’s

  no argument

  Kendra doesn’t win

  but I kinda liked

  losing, given

  I always learn something new

  and she’s the first person

  on campus to care

  enough about what I

  had to say

  to really fight it

  She’s now got her feet on my bed

  thumbing through

  my textbooks stacked

  on the side

  but I don’t fight it

  I think she’s my friend already

  even though there’s still

  room for things to happen

  still room for me to mess things up

  SIXTH GRADE

  Today I don’t care

  that everyone is staring

  as I make my way to the back

  of the classroom where the only seat

  left open waits for me

  the look my teacher throws my way

  the quiet that takes over class when I arrive

  the curious looks from my darkened upper lip

  to my chubby waist

  to my boyish clothing

  can’t bring me down from

  the high I feel

  knowing

  after school I’m leaving my dad

  to spend the weekend with my mama

  Pulling up to my mama’s driveway

  I don’t know which mother I’ll get this time

  but I’m happy

  here I’m far from rules

  Mama says I can do whatever I want

  as long as I don’t

  start some shit

  as long as I leave her

  alone

  But Mama and I are not alone

  after Dad drives away

  another car pulls up and Mama says

  put on your shoes

  we goin out to eat tonight

  my man is paying

  says

  ooh! and we can stop after and get a movie

  you can pick whichever you want

  hurry up

  we can’t leave Jay waiting

  I almost forgot

  about Jay even though

  Mama always had a man

  and she had told me

  she found a good one

  over the phone

  the scents of cigarettes, beer

  and cheap cologne attack

  my nostrils just after I close

  his Cadillac’s back door

  how you doin, girl

  he says

  yo daddy let you out the house

  to stay wit us, huh

  I know the smell

  creeping between Jay’s

  words and strange chuckle

  cause Mama wears that scent too

  they both seem to be in the perfect mood

  and I’m hungry

  Jay wasn’t really waiting for me to answer

  and we begin to pull off, his

  right hand clutching

  Mama’s thigh

  Mama’s thigh moves

  side to side

  the way it does when she is giddy

  or telling a story

  or drunk

  I think this is one of those times

  when she is all three

  And Jay tightens his squeeze

  whenever we turn a corner

  or whenever they laugh

  They seem to be laughing

  through our whole ride to the restaurant

  and my stomach does flips as Jay pulls

  the car into park

  I don’t know if this is hunger or fear

  But I choose hunger and decide

  to be happy that this meal will be

  free

  and Mama seems happy

  so I just go along

  And I go along with it

  when Mama tells me that today

  I am ten even though we know I am twelve

  if anyone asks, you are ten

  you hear me? we know

  you’re miss perfect

  but just say you’re miss perfect ten

  today she says, mocking me

  I nod and say

  okay

  When we’ve been seated

  a menu for kids has been placed

  in front of me that reads

  Bite-sized Prices for 10 and Under

  and I understand

  I understand

  what kind of night this will be

  what kind of night Mama and I

  will have sort of together

  when she is staring

  into Jay’s eyes

  mumbling things

  I am not supposed to hear

  what kind of night this will be

  is what I know when the food

  comes with a pitcher of beer

  with glasses for each

  so I pat my growling belly

  try and trace the lines of

  my cartoon place mat

  that is for kids two years

  or more below my age

  and eat in silence

  I don’t notice the silence

  is only in my head until

  Mama’s cackle jerks me

  from my place mat trance

  I had been watching

  the lines curve and

  loop and dance

  around the page

  with trivia questions

  and matching numbers

  to questions like

  how many feet in a mile

  how many marbles in this jar

  could you escape this maze?

  No one can really escape

  Mama’s laugh

  usually set off like gunfire

  at something only

  she found funny

  this time it was a joke

  about how strict my daddy is

  this time it was a joke

  about my proper speech

  I loved Mama’s laugh

  the way it would erupt

  from her belly unexpected

  and outrageous

  I loved Mama’s laugh

  the way it didn’t care

  who was around

  or who agreed

  Mama’s laugh

  meant joy

  meant she

  was at peace

  Before a storm there is always peace

  and my belly is full

  walking back to the car

  with Jay and Mama hand-in-hand

  clouds above us a weird gray under a blue-black sky

  a light drizzle begins

  to come down just before

  we are in our seats, belted

  and ready to head to Redbox to grab a movie

  Mama alerts me

  that Jay will be picking the movie

  we will be staying in the car out of the rain

  but, Mom, you said—

  YOU JUST THINK YOU DESERVE

  EVERYTHING

  Jay is now back out

  of the car

  and Mama is screaming

  WHY YOU ALWAYS GOTTA

  ASK STUPID-ASS QUESTIONS

  LIKE WE
<
br />   AIN’T JUST PAY FOR EVERYTHING

  LIKE WE

  DIDN’T JUST FEED YOU

  YOU THINK

  YOU CAN “BUT MOM” ME?

  I know better

  than to answer any

  of these questions

  instead I stare

  out my window

  trying to count the stray

  raindrops that fall

  and are swirling down

  the window and wonder

  how they just form

  patterns of water like that

  how they never seem

  out of place

  how they just

  know where to go?

  COLLEGE

  So do you wanna go or what?

  at some point

  in all this talk about

  people paying to

  go to school

  to dance

  it slipped

  my mind that

  Kendra had

  asked me if

  I wanted to

  go to some

  party

  it had been

  easy to change

  the subject since

  there was never

  a time she couldn’t

  go off about dance

  but the truth was

  I was hoping

  she forgot too

  if I don’t drink

  and don’t really

  know anybody

  if I don’t drink

  and some boy tries

  to grind up from behind

  what then

  am I supposed to do?

  Oh-uhh-yeah

  I mean

  I don’t really uh

  think I can go

  cause you know

  I got practice

  I mean

  I don’t have practice

  but the team does

  you know I uh

  gotta be there

  with the team

  Coach says

  I always gotta

  be there

  uh you know

  to do my job

  you know

  plus I gotta like

  study

  how that goes

  I say shuffling clothes

  aimlessly around the room

  The party starts at eleven

  so you know uh

  you can like I mean

  get your shit together

  after work and uh

  still go you know

  if uh you’re not

  too uh tired

  to kick it with me

  she mocks

  besides, do you SEE this dust?

  she says dragging a finger

  dramatically across

  the accounting 101 cover

  ain’t nobody studying

  up in here

  somehow seeing

  through my attempt

  to get out of

  dragging myself

  through my first

  awkward college party

  She’s stopped thumbing

  through my bookshelf

  now sitting straight up

  watching me

  looking through me

  it’s not you

  that I don’t

  wanna hang out with

  it’s just that I—

  she interrupts

  my half-formed excuse

  raising a stiff palm

  toward me:

  whoever it is

  fuck em

  we’re going

  TWELFTH GRADE

  I’ve named her Magic

  and every time I’ve drawn her

  her toes point so tough

  her whole leg glowed strong

  with muscle and grace

  just like my dance teacher

  taught me

  Dad doesn’t know it yet

  but I can dance

  she’s more than just

  a pointed toe now

  her sculpted body sprawls out

  on the page like a giant X

  her hands reach toward

  the top corners

  as if reaching out

  to grab the sky

  I named her Magic cause

  she can do anything

  jump, turn, move to

  any music life plays

  I played around a lot

  in art class until today

  when I bring in Magic

  for Ms. Lesley to see

  she says for the last

  semester of our high school

  careers we will study superheroes

  I wait until the end of class

  to share every piece

  I’ve drawn Magic in

  tell her these are nothing

  tell her it’s just something

  I do when I feel sad

  she glides her hand across

  each as if she is just searching

  for the truth

  The truth is

  I don’t know why I keep drawing this body

  that no one thinks of when looking at me

  or why today I decide someone else should

  see this character I want to be, this woman

  I’ve seen leaping through all my dreams

  And in my dreams of course

  Magic is always dancing

  in each scene

  there is always an audience

  waiting for the next thing

  crowds part to see her stomp

  and dip low

  arch her back

  and move

  while the cuts in her muscles

  gleam under a bright sun

  or lights that shine

  just as bright

  She asks me why I brought her here

  repeats you have the next five months to study superheroes

  look at them, the way their bodies are drawn we see what they can do

  I have never heard of this one before, who is she

  superheroes use x-ray vision

  superheroes have wings

  superheroes move buildings

  superheroes do unbelievable things

  superheroes save

  who will Magic save?

  I know

  she works hard

  not to look at me

  like I’m crazy

  a seventeen-year-old girl

  who’s been drawing

  a superhero

  who doesn’t have

  someone

  to save

  but

  Ms. Lesley just smiles

  looks back and forth

  between the sketches

  of Magic and me

  and says: that’s funny. Magic kind

  of looks like you

  (really?)

  What you may not know is this:

  After the day Dad found me on the floor of my bedroom I never shared my drawings again until today but there are hundreds of her tucked in every corner of my things. Magic in my backpack. Magic in my closet. Magic in my desk. Magic under my bed. I didn’t know how to draw faces so I studied mine. I didn’t know how to draw legs so I studied mine. I didn’t know how to draw arms so I studied mine. But I had never worked out a day in my life so I had to upgrade her. Started taking notes from anime even though sometimes Dad looked at me strange cause the girls looked too much like women and were too sexy. But they were magical cause their bodies could fight and would win. That’s how M
agic got her name.

  COLLEGE

  They call me by every name

  but the one my mama and dad

  gave me when I was born

  running up and down the court

  catering to musty butts and sweaty balls

  you’d swear my real name was Shorty

  New-New, or the African Chick if you took the team seriously

  but the only reason why I do is cause

  the coach makes sure I get paid

  and on some days basketball practice

  was the only time I felt

  like a woman

  You’d swear they’d never

  seen a woman

  the way these idiots act

  every time I step

  into the gym

  each monday

  wednesday

  and friday

  for practice

  wearing

  the same thing

  I had on

  last time

  whistles

  stares

  comments

  an ongoing game

  between them

  to see

  who

  can wear me down

  first

  not knowing

  I’d already

  been stupid enough

  to say yes

  once

  Ayo! I’m only gon let you call my girl shorty once

  aight?

  Derek says, with a wink

  chucking his sweaty towel at me

  wishing he wouldn’t

  call me that I start to

  yell back in protest

  but Coach has this stupid

  rule where I’m only seen

  and not heard until practice is over

  says there’s only

  one coach runnin the team

  and it definitely ain’t nobody wearin panties

  so I pretend not to hear

  turn my back and ignore

  his fake attempts to claim me