by Candice Iloh
proving me right
Professor Gray shakes her head
at me as I walk away
feeling her laser beams
of shame graze my neck
I wonder how I’ll survive
class without the books
she claims I need to get in
books multiple more than I’m willing to buy
outdated and overpriced
assigned to help us somehow
survive this class and the others
costing an arm and a leg
that I’d rather be using to dance
I glance back over my shoulder
back at Professor Gray and lie:
I won’t, Professor
I promise you
I’ll get back to it
tonight
Tonight I came here alone
surprised I made it back
without the help
of Kendra’s instructions
she doesn’t know
I’m here
part of me scared
Torion
won’t have her
as distraction
will narrow his eyes
to the new dancer
in the room
who he will
not hesitate to run
to the ground
part of me scared
of the Me
who knows this
and still
comes back
for more
Look who came back for more
I see you must be a masochist
didn’t get dragged enough the first time
so you done came back
to have that ass whooped one more time
cause you didn’t learn your lesson before
huh?
already he’s on me with the threats
of how hard this will be
how hard this will be for me cause I’m new
a big part of me an eternal eye roll
the other warmed by the fact
that he remembers
Masochist (mas·och·ist)
/’mazәkәst,’masәkәst/
noun
a person who enjoys
an activity
that appears
to be painful
or tedious
as in
only masochists
pay twenty dollars (one fifth of an accounting foundations book)
to be called out
repeatedly and told
what needs to be fixed
only masochists
spend two hours
on a monday
studying dancing when they’re
in danger of failing
out of their actual major
only masochists
come back to a place
that will leave them
aching
the next morning
leave them
less able to pay
for school books
and love it
There are only seven of us here
so he makes us feel every bit of it
has us do all things over and over
until it is at least a fraction
of his expectations
class is different this time
now the warm-up is something
I’ve seen before and that I know
is coming
there are only three lines
that go across
with the third one being
just me
every part of my body
quakes deep
from within when
it’s my turn to go across
every eye in and out
of this room on me
suddenly a hatred for these mirrors
these large windows
where all can see
this body get it wrong
how obvious it is
that I know nothing
my ears burning hot
with pressure from the inside
his commands coming
from the out
Let me tell you something:
you ain’t gonna learn
how to turn without turning
all this pretending and doin it
halfway is gonna
rob you of the chance
to really dance, honey
all this yelling he does
actually makes sense
all of it simple but not easy
I don’t know how to make my body
do what it’s so afraid of
I don’t know how
to try at something
knowing I will fail
seeing the fear in my face
he doesn’t give us time to know
he presses play again
then tells us to imagine
something on the ground
tells us to imagine using
our legs and arms
to get around it
There’s no way around
the fact that I’ve never learned
the proper way to turn
I haven’t been trained
I only know how to move
my feet to drums by the lead of my hips
I don’t know why I’m here
why I’ve brought myself back
into this room to embarrass myself
why I’ve signed up to be
exposed
I hear him count me in
the rhythm leaves no space
to stay in my fearful trance
all I know is there are things
on the floor I’m using my body
to get around and to get over
somehow
my body begins to understand
what it really means to turn
I hear him say
feet in fourth position
my legs move placing one foot
in front of the other toes facing out
I hear him say
prep
my arms open with elbows bent
like a hug with only breath in the space
I hear him say
push
my thigh uses my back leg for momentum
letting the front leg lift the heel off the ground
we hear him say
don’t forget to spot
to get my body around:
I must use my eyes
to tell it where to go
Before I can tell myself
that I still look like a fool
that I don’t belong in this class
with its mirrors all around me
and its music too fast
to keep up
I’m prepping
I’m pushing
I’m spotting
I’m turning
I’m moving across this black floor
Torion slaps his hands together
screams
YES!
Oh my god you shoulda seen me
I don’t know I—
I just, like, I just
DID that shit!
I don’t even
know how it happened
but before I knew it—
I was turnin all the way
across that floor
and I still don’t know
how I did it
but I did and all I know
is I never did that before!
it was just
S
O CRAZY cause I didn’t
think I could do it
without you there
Kendra’s smirk
turns into a full smile
laying across the floor
the way she does
whenever she’s
hanging out in my room
listening to me gush
on a high after
another class
without her
I stop ranting
when I admit aloud
how scared I’d been
to go alone
how much better
I feel
when she’s around
well it was never
about me, silly
you got the juice
and even though
I can’t belieeeeve
you betrayed me like this
she jokes
I’m not surprised at all
this is what happens
when you keep going back
and trying
she pauses
you start learning how to listen
to your body
she pauses, again looking up at me
and your heart
The heart
is deceitful
above all things
and desperately sick;
who can understand it?
Jeremiah 17:9
Who can understand the way
my heart
is thumping
so hard
against the inside
of my chest
so hard
still fighting against
what Kendra
is always saying
I’m surprised
she can’t
hear it
surprised
as she stares
that she can’t
see my chest
jumping
trying to beat
the truth:
that what’s
in my heart
feels
like too much
feels
so good
it’s got
to be wrong
I break out
of her gaze
continue my rambling
as I walk
into my bathroom
change
my clothes
come back out
start emptying my bag
spreading my books
trying to change
the subject
pull out the one
accounting textbook of the three
I’m supposed to have
read one sentence
decide I’d rather sleep
There’s no wiping the sleep
fully from my eyes
crusted in the corners
of them as I brush past
rows of desks and seats
full way before I arrive
Professor Gray pausing
dramatically as I make
my way to the back
repeats the date of our first exam
three times making sure
to emphasize how much
of our overall grade
it will count for
that begging, pleading
and excuses will get us nothing
if we don’t find a way
to study
Yo what is wrong with you girl
you stay missing this class
like you got SO many more
important things to do
don’t you wanna pass?
Kelly whispers
as I plop down
in a seat one row
in front of her
you neeever show up
to the study groups
between all of us
we got all the books
we need
stop being dumb
she continues
of course I wanna
pass this stupid class
my dad will kill me
if I don’t
I whisper back
I’ll come tonight
promise
What is something you need
to overcome?
who are you even dancing for?
Torion asks
he’s turned off the music
stopped us mid-class
asking these two questions
that no one here
seems to know
how to answer
hello anybody?
why are you here?
you must know why
you keep coming back here
and if you don’t that’s probably
why you’re in here just flopping around
You
who are you dancing for?
he slows pace
stopping right
in front of me
I’m talking
to you, sis
who are you dancing for?
he pushes, repeating
the question waiting
for me to answer
I-d-don’t-I-
this stupid stuttering thing I do
whenever I’m nervous
or know I’m not
being honest
takes over my mouth
when all I want to do
is lift my chin up
look him in the eye
and say:
Me
Well is that how you do it?
he questions
somehow reading my mind
is that how you dance
for yourself?
with your head down
looking at the ground
like you don’t know
where you’re going
or who you are?
he continues
no
it isn’t
I-don’t-I don’t really
how am I supposed
to know who I am
I don’t really know where
I’m going but I’m
trying to figure it out
I whisper low enough
for the class not to hear
but loud enough
to somehow
get help
He looks at me and smiles
even though I feel like I should
just pack all my things and leave
who has time for someone
who’s confused
who wants to be around someone
who’s always scared
who wants to keep
wasting their breath
on a girl who seems like
all she knows how to do
is try
We’re all figuring this out
everybody spread out
find a space in the room
and lay on the floor
I’m gonna put on
some music
and say some things
to you
and I want you
to use this whole room
to do whatever your body
tells you
close your eyes
and listen
to what it
tells you
to do
I can’t explain
what happens to me in the next
twenty minutes of class but maybe
I’ve been possessed by something
everyone would watch someone
who they called possessed
lie on the ground twisting and contorting
in ways that the body wouldn’t
if something powerful weren’t inside it
the pastor would command
the spirit inside the body to leave
would pray to drive the spirit out
and everyone in the sanctuary
would pray against the spirit
with hands stretched out toward
the body crying out
in the name of Jesus
that the spirit would be loosed
and sometimes we’d see the body flip over
and the person’s head whip forth while the eyes roll back
the wild spirit would take over cry out fight through
Possession (pos·ses·sion)
/pә’zeSHәn/
noun
the state of having,
owning, or controlling
something
as in
when I forget about
the mirrors
the windows
the eyes
looking at me
judging me
telling me
what they think
I should do
when I forget about
the fear
of pain
of something coming
soon
to hurt me
I am in possession
of my whole body
my spirit runneth over
it twists
it turns
it cries out
Outside of class
I am so high
off whatever spirit
I just felt
inside me
I go to the desk
pull out
the debit card
full of
money once
stuffed in
graduation cards
and sign up
to take
one more
10:03 PM
dude you’re tripping
9:17 PM
where TF are you
we’ve been here for two hours
we’re not going to wait
all night for you again
9:33 PM
fine it’s your grade