by Candice Iloh
not mine
I tried to help
10:03 PM
I’m sorry
I got caught up
something I had to do
gonna have to study
by myself
10:21 PM
Maybe it’s the fact
that it’s late
that I only have
one of the three books
I need for this stupid class
maybe I haven’t
been doing enough
or the fact
that I barely ever
make it on time
or that I’m not
trying hard enough
but whatever
it is
it just seems like
nothing inside
of me
cares about
doing this
nothing inside
of me
wants to study
for something
I hate
everything inside of me
unable to find
enough energy
to fake wanting
to do anything
like this
for the rest
of my life
On my fifth read
of the second sentence in chapter three
credits and debits
my phone buzzes at 11:15 PM
thinking it could only
be Kendra calling me
this late
I jump up
to grab my phone
thankful
for an excuse
to stop
and see
the screen read:
MOM
Mama doesn’t know
what credits and debits are either
we laugh at the confusion we both feel
she asks how school is going
asks about my father and if he still
lives in that same house
with the woman
her memory still a phantom thing
I have to keep forgiving
I know to move quickly
through the details
I know not to linger
on the trigger
she squeals happily
hearing how I’ve found
a few new friends
and a job
so I can get my hair done
sometimes
I can hear the smile
cross her teeth
hearing how I’m
doing it all
without my daddy
proud that
she’s got
a college girl now
Girl you know I ain’t go to no college
you always been
so much smarter than me
always doin so much
I’m proud of you
babygirl
she says with a chuckle
thanks, Mom
I manage
why you so quiet, girl
you sound like you don’t
wanna talk to your mama
or something
no Mom it’s cool
I’m tired
got a big test comin up
in a few days
I’m just tired is all
you called so late
oh it’s me, of course
she snarls
I’M calling YOU too late
she continues
well WHEN’S THE LAST TIME
YOU CALLED your mama, huh?
I just FIGURED it’s been
TOO DAMN LONG
EXCUSE THE HELL
OUT OF ME she finally says
no longer trying to soften
her voice
I was waiting for this mama that I know
this mama I’ve always got to be
careful with
this mama who is more thorn
than rose petal
this mama always a ticking time bomb
ready to explode
this mama who’s missing someone
she always hurts
this mama who wishes I’d just
call sometimes
think of her
some days
remember that
no matter what
it’s her that I came from
it’s still her that I owe
for the pain
Mom I gotta go
I try to say
gently
trying to cool her down
well of course you do
of course you’re too busy
for little old me
she says trying to guilt me
Mom, stop
you called super late
expecting me to just
talk to you all night
it’s not like we have a lot
to talk about anyway
and every time we talk
I have to repeat myself
WELL THAT’S FINE DON’T CALL ME
NO MORE THEN she screams
Mom, you called me
stop screaming at me like that
YOU DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
I’M YOUR MOTHER
I’LL SAY WHATEVER THE FUCK
I WA—
Mama calls me back
three more times tonight
leaving two long voice mails
the first one threatening yet
gentler than I know the second
one would be if I chose to listen
I delete both voice mails
turning off my phone for the night
thinking the passing time
had gotten us past this believing
we could talk without it becoming
another fight
Good morning, Mom
I think it’s better
if we don’t talk
for a while
I don’t want
to keep hurting
your feelings
and the things
you say always
hurt me
I love you, Mom
but I need you
to leave me
alone for a while
take care
of yourself
9:44 AM
accounting class
began at 8:00 AM
it’s 9:45 AM now
and I’m still
laying here
in this tear-soaked pillow
sending my mother
this text
before I block
her number
What’s going on with you?
Kendra breaks the ice
after walking beside me
for ten whole minutes
in silence
I’m just tired is all
I missed class again
and my—I just
I just need sleep
it seems like that’s
all you do now besides
take class without me
she says with a smile
jabbing her elbow into my side
she goes silent again
when I don’t laugh
look if you don’t
wanna hang out with me
anymore it’s cool just say it
that’s not what it is
it’s just that everything—
my phone buzzes
Dad again
I press ignore
You’re ignoring calls from your dad now?
I thought you were Daddy’s Little Girl
she tries to joke again
it’s probably just another one of his
reminders about how I need to stay focused
look I’ll talk to you later
when I get off work
I’m about to be late
I say
Kendra’s smile drops and it’s like
a basketball’s been thrown at my chest
I promise, I—
I just can’t talk right now
I mean, it’s cool
she says looking off to the side
maybe I’ll see you around
in class or something
Something’s got to be wrong with me
fifteen minutes late for my shift
Coach’s eyes stab me
watching me hurry in
the players run their laps
as I rush to get their towels
and water ready
Derek flashes me
a dumb smile that I ignore
Kendra’s defeated smile
flashes across my memory
and I just miss a basketball
that flies by my head
opening my phone screen
to a long text from Dad
call your mom back
she says you hung up on her?
I know how she is
but I didn’t raise you like that
you don’t hang up
on your mom
love, Dad
4:21 PM
what is with parents
signing the ends of
text messages
who even taught my dad
how to text
There are thirty towels to fold
three water kegs to fill
fifteen jerseys to put in the washer
twelve players’ eyes to avoid
while Kendra, school
and my parents flood my mind
today Elliot winks
every time he stops for water
tries to graze my hand
in exchange for a towel
points out my smart mouth
one too many times before
I forget where I am
throwing everything
on the time-out table
at his stupid face
I don’t hear the coach’s
whistle pausing practice
I don’t hear Derek’s footsteps
come running toward me
until he’s gotten up close asking me
what’s going on between us
it’s then that I look around at
every eye I’d been trying to avoid
a mess I’ve made proof
that the problem here is me
The problem is
that it ain’t nothin goin on
ain’t nothin goin on between us
or any other dude
we know y’all don’t do
nothin but pretend to study, Derek
Elliot says to the coach,
but loud enough to be
an announcement
she gotta issue
every time a dude
even looks at her
your little girlfriend
got a problem with boys
rather shake her ass
at parties with bitches
Kendra’s face flashes
before my eyes
but Derek’s body
blocks my ability to lunge
while laughter breaks out
amongst the team
NOW WHAT IN THE HELL
IS GOIN ON OVER HERE
Coach asks approaching
out of breath
before I can stop myself
my mouth gets me
into trouble:
Coach, I quit
This time Derek somehow finds a way
to follow me
all the way
back home
where I don’t
tell him
to leave
where I don’t
tell him
that he needs
to go so I can be
alone
the way
I want
he says
I shouldn’t be
all by myself and that
he knows how we
can prove what Elliot said isn’t true
(it isn’t, right?)
I let him
touch me
his hands
wandering
all over
his mouth
moving against
my neck
his hand lifts
to muffle me
says that
I just need to let him
take my mind
off all of this
says ain’t no way you could like girls when you can have this
Derek, I have to go study
you need to leave ri-right now
I can’t do th—you have to leave
I have to study and I can’t
miss another
study group session or
I’ll fail
Derek freezes
slowly lifts his eyes to meet mine
like I’m some kind
fool for choosing
books over him
are you serious
right now? yo
what’s wrong with you
shorty?
one second you’re quitting your job
and now all of a sudden
you gotta go study
you don’t even CARE
about that fuckin class!
he’s right
yeah well, I’m about
to go like it enough
to not fail my exam
and you’re not—
you’re not worth me figuring out what happens if I don’t go so
leave please
Kelly can you please tell me
where the study group is?
I know I haven’t been showing up
but I know there’s another session tonight
and if you could please tell me where it is
I’ll be there in fifteen minutes
7:17 PM
smh
we’re in Robeson Hall
third floor room 300
we’ll be here
for another
hour and a half
7:23 PM
The whole group goes quiet
when I get to room 300
Kelly passes me some copies
she’s made for the group
tells me I’m lucky that there’s extra
cause she doesn’t need hers
anymore
I force a smile of gratitude
find a seat amongst all the papers
books, pens, and half-empty
bags of chips and water bottles
feel ashamed that I’ve arrived
with nothing to offer
Thirty minutes later
I’ve gotten nowhere
I stand and grab my bag
announce
that I’ve got to go
that I can’t do this
tell Kelly I’m sorry
for wasting your time
she eyes me and my backpack in silence
watches me push my
arms through its straps
both of us relieved I’m finally being honest
and deciding not to look back
To a random person
a dance studio // is nothing // but a room with funny floors // that kind of spring // when you jump on them // funny floors that sometimes you gotta take your shoes off // to move on // a random person who’s never danced in one before // might not understand // all these mirrors // all this space // or that these four walls // are something more // than just a room // that bodies make things up in // might not understand counts // or how to let the beat guide you // how to let it speak all the words you don’t have today // today it lets me cry in it // for the first time in months // in a room all by myself // I don’t have to be // anything // but this // I don’t have to explain // everything I hear // everything I feel // everything I am // is mine
what is something you need to overcome // who are you dancing for // what is something you need to overcome // who are you dancing for // who are you dancing for // who are you dancing for // then dance like she’s here // she’s here, sis // dance for her // like this is your last chance // like it’s the last time
Just before running away
that first day I found Kendra here part of me memorized this room I know where everything is I know how to turn on the music I walk across the mirrored space slow slow slow hearing only my stride in it pull out my phone to connect it turn up the volume it’s time to press play slide off my sweats my hoodie baring my body body body till it’s just me in my sports bra and shorts walk back across the floor and make sure the door is locked the beat builds builds builds I remember everything how Torion told me start with my body on the floor I close my eyes I feel myself myself myself breathing nothing but my own air begin to pulse I stretch as if to reach every corner of this floor see the wall touch the ceiling use my elbows my feet my knees my waist I’m a puppet I’m a doll I’m a robot I’m a breeze I’m a wave I’m a stopwatch imagining myself as all things I am all things possible possible possible as the music fades in and out my limbs stretch contort all about this room soon I’m animal unable to stop making something something someone out of all this nothing I am sweat and growing heat all over having no idea what I’m doing but I’m here
I’ve never taken this class before
but I know that Kendra will be here
right now Kelly and everyone else
in accounting have piled into class
taking our first exam that I’ll miss