Q & A

by M. Allen Cunningham

  But they got the ermine the very next day.

  “No apology necessary, Ray,” says Sidney now. “No hard feelings. And listen, before we run through the questions, I’d hoped to discuss the matter of my future appearances.”

  This is how you do business, Sidney knows. Relevant matters discussed at the relevant time. You put my wife out in the cold?—an unfortunate incident but I’m not the kind to hold it against you. Now let’s talk turkey.

  Q:

  You think I don’t know this is

  how you do business?

  Come to mention it, you think

  I didn’t know Fleming won

  the fucking Nobel?

  A:

  We badly underestimated you, Sidney.

  Let us make it up to you.

  KENYON

  “Got something for you,” says Sam Lacky with a smile. From behind his desk he hoists a bulging canvas sack and thunks it down between rolodex and Dictaphone.

  “What’s this, Sam?”

  Lacky shrugs, ironic but watchful. The sack is labeled u.s. mail.

  “What … Letters? All of these? You mean these are for me?”

  “I figure, who needs Trendex? We got the U.S. Postal Service.”

  The sack is deep with them. Kenyon can plunge his hands under. Hundreds at least.

  Lacky watches, grinning, as Kenyon brings out a fistful. Jonesboro, Arkansas; Freeport, Illinois; Sterling, Colorado; Lakeland, Florida; Clarksville, Tennessee; Redding, California. They’re already opened, every single one.

  “Wait, you read them?”

  “Well, not me. The secretaries. Company policy.”

  “But they’ve been read?”

  Lacky shrugs. “Looked at anyhow—anything bearing on the public image of the program, you understand. Myself, I only read a few. You’ll like these two especially.”

  He hands some papers across, each neatly flattened and paperclipped, rubber-stamped in green with the date of receipt.

  The top one is typewritten, several short lines on stationery.

  Abbey of Santa Lucia

  Paterson, New Jersey

  November 28, 1956

  Dear Mr. Saint Claire,

  I and my sisters here had the joy of watching your fine performance on television tonight. There was a consensus afterward that we would write to you. Clearly you are a blessed young man, and it is plain to see what good effect you will have on the nation when you secure your win, as we have no doubt you will. We wish you to know that you are a source of pride and faith to all of us here, for though we have never met you we know you in God. We are raising your name in prayer.

  With blessings,

  Mother Agatha Locatelli

  In Lacky’s amused look Kenyon sees a gauge of his own reaction as he read. Weakly he says, “Nuns watch television. Wouldn’t have guessed.”

  The second letter is handwritten, a small precise script in blue ink.

  Dear Kenyon,

  You came out tied last night, which I realize is not the same as a straight victory, but congratulations all the same! I think you must be one of the nicest fellows any girl could meet—and please do not be too embarrassed if I should add one of the handsomest. My parents and I were delighted to learn of your writing, your teaching, and your interest in music, and we wished uniformly that Fred Mint had said something, anything at all, about your Romantic eligibility. You are not already spoken for, are you? I sincerely hope not. I am nineteen years old and a student of one of the best schools here in Wassau. … I write this with my parents’ blessing and include my photo…

  The letter continues for two pages. Flipping, Kenyon finds the girl’s small photo affixed to the final page with rubber cement.

  “Kind of on the young side, that one,” says Lacky. “But there’s plenty more in there, they tell me. By the way, is your number listed? Well, you’ll wanna reconsider that. And we’ll need to find you someone—to handle these letters. Should expect ’em by the truckload once you’re the champ.” He’s come around the desk to tip a smoke from his pack for Kenyon. “I’m afraid you’re a celebrity, Kenny.”

  Mailbag aside, they run through the questions, the point values. Categories: Boxing, the Civil War, Movies and Movie Stars, Explorers, Newspapers, Kings. He and Winfeld are to tie the first round, but Kenny’s to stop in the second at eighteen points and win. It’s the same thing they told him last week.

  “You’ll need to miss a few,” says Lacky. “You aced them all last time, remember. We’ll make sure it’s ones you won’t know.”

  He misses several in this dry run—Boxing, the Civil War, Newspapers. Lacky wants to tell him but Kenyon says no, he’ll look them up. He jots them on a notepad for that purpose.

  Commanding Gen. Union Army early 1862

  Boxing promoter first million $ game

  Owners of Chicago Trib, NY Daily 1914

  How well they’ll come to know his weak spots.

  Q:

  Kenyon, incidentally, I’ve had a lot of

  questions about you since last week,

  about whether or not you’re married or single.

  A:

  I’m single.

  Q:

  You are, eh? Are you

  in the market, so to speak?

  A:

  Well, Fred, I don’t know if I’d put it

  so commercially. I’m in the market, yes …

  SIDNEY

  He’s gonna renege, Greenmarch is. Sidney feels it. They’re gonna put him right out. I can’t promise you, Sid, Ray kept saying. I can’t promise you, but there’s lots of options. The Steve Allen Show was mentioned, a panel show was mentioned, a job in the office with weekly pay and other benefits was mentioned (Let’s talk again once you’ve finished your studies, Sid). But no, they just wanna placate him, after the winnings settlement and the pesky advances, after the incident with Bernice, after the questions he’s humiliatingly supposed to miss—of all the questions, the name of a movie he saw three times and a subject he studied in American History class just two days ago. They’re done with Sidney Winfeld in his bad haircut and oversized suit. Now they got Mr. Ivy League, who needs the City College kid? Well, it wasn’t even his haircut, wasn’t even his suit—didn’t he do everything they asked?

  Sidney picks up the phone and dials.

  “Mister Greenmarch’s office please, this is Sidney Winfeld. … Hello, Ray? Listen, about the program, I’ve given it a lotta thought and this college vendetta business, it just doesn’t sit right. It’s being put across, oh you know, as a college fight—City College against Columbia— and what I’d really like to do, Ray, because I don’t feel good about this as things stand now, what I’d really like to do is play it honest, I know, I know this comes a bit late, but listen, listen Ray, I’m happy to refund you a portion of the prize money so I can play it honest, a thousand dollars, how’s that sound? I refund Mint and Greenmarch a thousand bucks and Mint and Greenmarch give me a shot to play it honest against Saint Claire, what do you say? Huh? But you understand, Ray, I’m sure you understand my discomfort with this business of City College versus Columbia and which I’m City College means I lose even if it’s unnatural. You understand that, Ray, don’t you?”

  Silence.

  The silence of their not hearing—so much louder than the silence if Sidney had never said anything at all.

  Sidney decides.

  In the phone book he finds the number.

  “Yes, I’m calling with a story, breaking news, really, you see I’m directly involved in events … yes, I’ll hold. … Yes hello I’m calling with a story for the paper—directly involved that’s correct—it concerns the National Broadcasting Company—NBC that’s correct. Yes thank you … Hello Mister Gelman my name is Sidney Winfeld I have a story for you—certain facts—about NBC. Ye
s NBC television that’s correct. You see I am currently a contestant on their Wednesday night quiz program—Sid Winfeld yes that’s me. Sidney. Well that’s very kind thank you. In fact I won’t be on the show much longer. … Hello? Mister Gelman? Can you hear me better now? Yes sir that’s what I said you heard me correctly sir I’ve been instructed to lose to Kenyon Saint Claire on tomorrow’s program. I wanted to see that The Post got the story before the broadcast. Yes I’d be happy to. OK. Sidney Winfeld. Forest Hills. Tomorrow night at ten-thirty. That’s correct. We’re to play two rounds and I am to miss two questions. My score—would you like me to tell you what my score will be? Fixed. Yes exactly, it’s fixed is the reason I’m calling yes. Yes. Yes.”

  

  In the evening, after dinner, he rings up Janofsky. Good old Janofsky, which his betting days being over don’t mean he can’t have a little fun with Nadine, and it’s only right Sidney’s own unpleasant situation bring some fun to somebody.

  “Dick, hi, how the hell are you? Well, I’ve had some unpleasant news, they’re throwing me off the program, that’s right, no it’s the truth unfortunately … you’ve got it, that’s exactly what they expect … well, they’re telling me future appearances and so on, one thing and another, no promises but they mentioned the Steve Allen Show … I know! … No I wouldn’t say happy about it but what the hell can you do? … It’s hard to know, something like forty or fifty thousand depending on Saint Claire’s score in the second round … No, not so happy, but listen, Dick, how’d you like to surprise Nadine with a show of erudition tomorrow night? Well, I’ll miss one in the first and one in the second—I figure those answers oughta be put to use for someone’s benefit—could be it’ll get you a lay, who knows? OK so the category in the first is Movies and Movie Stars but that’s an answer anybody’ll know—it’s the movie It’s a Wonderful Life … I know, I know, but see, they want that the know-it-all should miss the easiest question by far, more dramatic they think—but the Round Two question is category Newspapers. Yes, Newspapers, and this is the harder one but just remember when I throw it, you tell Nadine What’s the Matter with Kansas. That’s right, well, William Allen White is the first part. Uh-huh, she’ll love it, she’ll love it, maybe you’ll even get a lay, ha ha. What’s the Matter with Kansas, uh-huh, because where I’m concerned who knows when I’ll get laid again after tomorrow’s indignity … Well, sure, I suppose there’s always the chance of that Steve Allen Show …”

  Q:

  Mister Janofsky, when you were

  watching the program that evening

  were the questions and answers

  exactly as Mister Winfeld had told you?

  A:

  Yes. In particular I knew there would

  be the great opportunity to answer

  one of the questions he was going to miss.

  Q:

  Did you have that little fun with your wife?

  A:

  Well, yes!4*

  SIDNEY

  December the fifth, the day of the broadcast, and Sidney’s in his undershorts in Dr. Brody’s office. That ulcer-like pain in his gut—started a month ago—which the timing of it all makes sense, says the doctor.

  “These things are stress-related, Sidney. Quiz kid like you, sweating it out on national television every week, all that money at stake. I were you, I’d have symptoms even worse.”

  To which Sidney says how he’ll be off the show after tonight.

  “That so?” says Doc. “They say when you go, do they?”

  “Lemme just tell you, Doc, if you asked me which movie was nominated for five Oscars in nineteen forty-seven but didn’t win, I’ll tell you It’s a Wonderful Life. But it ain’t you that’s gonna ask me, too bad.”

  “I guess I pretty well figured those shows were rigged. No offense, Sidney.”

  “And if you asked me, say for instance, the name of William Allen White’s editorial, I’d tell you What’s the Matter with Kansas. These things are not unknown to me, Doc.”

  “Get yourself some Milk of Magnesia, Sidney, OK? That ulcer, something tells me it’ll be gone in a week. You can get dressed now.”

  Brody steps to his desk, slaps down his clipboard, fishes the smokes from his shirt pocket under the white coat. “Hard to believe,” he says, lighting up, “the kind of things they’ve got on television. Just any kind of thing, any hour of day. It’s a changing world, Sidney. My kids, for instance. When they were young they’d read three, four books a week, easy. That was the kind of house we lived in. Nowadays, they watch all the evening programs with their own kids, even supper doesn’t stop them—they eat in the living room watching one of those westerns. Of all my grandchildren I don’t have anybody’ll talk with me about Robert Louis Stevenson or Mark Twain. It’s a different kind of world.”

  “Milk of Magnesia, you say.”

  “That’s right. But wait, if you know the answers, Sidney, why not just say them? Well, better for that ulcer probably to be done with it all.”

  Q:

  They asked you

  to do a lot of things?

  A:

  That is correct, sir.

  Q:

  Did they ever make you

  drink any Geritol?

  A:

  Frankly speaking, I couldn’t see spending

  two dollars and ninety-eight cents

  for twenty-five cents worth of cheap medicine.

  Q:

  You say you never did try the product?

  A:

  No sir, I would rather take some reputable product.5*

  CONTROL

  The studio orchestra plays, the lights turned up hot. The contestants in their boxes sweat and sweat. In studio blackness floats the red eye of the camera. The audience applauds. The little bell sounds and Mint reads out the questions. The category is The Civil War, the category is Boxing, I’m sorry you lose nine points we put you back down to zero better luck on the next round you are correct and you now have sixteen points gentlemen I caution you not to speak I’m going to give you time to think it over.

  Click and the booths are off, the lighted boxes deadened to sense, the glass a glinting wall and the earphones a form of deafness.

  Mint is almost whispering: If either player stops the game now Sid Winfeld will win one hundred and one thousand five hundred dollars, but he doesn’t know it because they don’t know each other’s scores—let’s see what happens.

  And no one stops, and Mint says, No? Neither one of you? And as the audience sends up a ripple of titillation and surprise the master of ceremonies needs a breather and says so and the camera pulls closer for a word from the sponsors.

  Oh questions, questions—I guess I’ve asked thousands of questions here on television. But there’s one simple question that everybody asks everybody else and I think you know what that is: What’s the weather gonna be like? Well, here in New York it looks like we’re really in for a tough winter—and I think you know what that means too, it means plenty of sickness. So will you remember, if you feel tired and run-down, especially after a cold, flu, sore throat, or virus, you may suffer from iron deficiency anemia, a very fancy term for what we call tired blood…

  Commercial accomplished, the lights brighten again and the game resumes.

  —Camera One, nice’n close—

  Mister Saint Claire you have no points at present.

  Ding! goes the bell.

  The category is Movies and Movie Stars. How many points do you want from one to eleven?

  —Camera Two, show me his sweat—

  You are correct and you now have ten points! Sid Winfeld, how many points do you want to try for?

  —Stay on him, Camera Three—

  No, I’m sorry, the answer is “It’s a Wonderful Life,” you lose five points, putting you back down to eleven, better luck on the next rou
nd. Mister Saint Claire you have ten points.

  Ding! goes the bell.

  The category is Explorers. For eleven points and a shot at twenty-one, here is your question. Pizarro was an early Spanish explorer who discovered and conquered an advanced civilization. Tell us the civilization he discovered, the country this civilization was in, and the leader of the civilization at the time of the conquest. Would you like time to think it over?

  —Camera Two that’s gorgeous I feel his nerves, even closer if you can—

  Your time is up. That’s your answer, Atahualpa? Then you score twenty-one points! Sid Winfeld the category is Explorers. You’re gonna try to go for twenty-one?

  —Camera One let’s see Mint with Winfeld’s booth, give me some contrast, oh that’s beautiful and awful the guy trapped in there—

  I can tell you now that your opponent has already scored twenty-one points. If you answer correctly we’ll have to play another game at twenty-five hundred dollars a point. I’m not even gonna bother to figure up the sum cause it’s quite gigantic. I’ll tell you when your time is up. Gentlemen, it happened again, you both have twenty-one points. First of all I wanna say congratulations to both of you, I don’t care who wins or loses you guys really know your onions. We’re gonna take a moment out here now for you to settle down. My good friend Bob Shepherd has some important and helpful news for anyone suffering from common rheumatic and arthritic-like pains. … Thank you, Bob. Before we go on I would like to say that all of the questions used on this program have been authenticated for their accuracy and the order of their difficulty by the Editorial Board of the Encyclopedia Britannica.