Amish Beginnings

by Vannetta Chapman

  His attention was pulled back to the social worker when Chloe said, “Now, Nathaniel, I’ve got a few questions for you.”

  * * *

  When she saw Nathaniel’s shoulders stiffen, Esther wanted to put her hand out to him as she had in the schoolroom on the day they’d told Jacob of his onkel’s passing. She wasn’t sure how Chloe would react, so she clasped her fingers together on her lap.

  She listened to questions about Jacob’s schedule, what he ate, and where he slept. The boy began to squirm with boredom, and she asked if he could be excused. Her respect for the Englisch woman rose when Chloe gave him a warm smile and told him to enjoy his time with the alpacas, but not to spend so much time with them he didn’t get his homework done.

  “I don’t give the kinder homework,” Esther said when Jacob regarded the social worker with bafflement. “They’ve got chores, so the scholars complete their work at school. Besides, they need some time to play and be kinder.”

  Chloe’s smile broadened as Jacob made his escape. “I wish more people felt that way. Children need to be children, but too many find themselves in situations where that’s impossible.” She looked at Nathaniel. “Just a few more questions. I know this must seem like the whole world poking its nose into your business, but we must be certain being here is the best place for Jacob.”

  “It is.” Not a hint of doubt was in his voice or on his face.

  “I hope you’re right.” Glancing at the screen, she asked, “Do you have family in the area, Nathaniel?”

  “Not any longer. This farm belonged to my grandparents, and when they died, it became mine.”

  “So your parents are deceased, too?”

  “No. They’re in Indiana with my four sisters and younger brother. Two of my sisters are married, and I have several nephews and nieces. They live near my parents.”

  “So there’s nobody here to help you with Jacob?”

  “Our community is here to help if we need it.” His smile was so tight it looked painful. “So far, we haven’t. Jacob and I have gotten along well.”

  As she’d promised, the social worker had only a few more questions. Esther listened as Nathaniel answered thoughtfully and without hesitation or evasion. When Chloe asked to see the boy’s room, Esther didn’t follow them upstairs. She remained in the living room, listening to the hiss of the propane lamp and staring at the computer. If she peeked at the screen, would she be able to see what Chloe had written?

  She couldn’t do that. If the social worker found her snooping, it might be a mark against Nathaniel. What did Chloe think about Jacob’s situation? Would she recommend he stay with Nathaniel?

  The social worker and Nathaniel returned to the lower floor. They spoke easily before Nathaniel said he’d go and get Jacob to have a few words with the social worker.

  As he went outside, Chloe closed her computer and put it in her bag. “Thank you for taking time to speak with me.” She straightened. “I appreciate you being forthcoming. Some people aren’t, but you and your husband—”

  “Nathaniel isn’t my husband.”

  The social worker stared at her, astonished. “I’m sorry. When I saw you together, I assumed you were married. I know I shouldn’t assume anything about anyone, but you two seem like a perfectly matched set...” She turned away, embarrassed.

  “Would it make a difference in your recommendation for where Jacob will live?” Esther asked before she could halt herself.

  “What?” Chloe faced her.

  “If Nathaniel and I were married?”

  “Maybe. Maybe not. I can’t give you a definite answer. Without any blood relationship between either of you and the boy, it’s far more complicated.”

  “Jacob having a mamm and a daed...” She halted and amended, “Having a mother and a father would make a difference, wouldn’t it?”

  “It could.” The social worker put the bag’s strap over her shoulder. “Don’t worry that my mistake will have any impact on this case, Esther. I can see both of you care deeply about the boy. However, sometimes the best thing for a child isn’t what the adults around him want. We have to think first and foremost of what will give him the stable home he’s never had. We prefer that to be with two parents.”

  Esther felt her insides turn to ice. She couldn’t doubt Chloe’s earnestness, but were her words a warning the state would take Jacob away? Somehow she managed to choke out a goodbye as the social worker left to speak to Jacob once more.

  Groping for a chair, she sat and stared at the spot where Jacob had been curled up. She didn’t move and couldn’t think of anything other than watching the boy being taken away from his community and his heritage.

  She wasn’t sure how long she sat there before Nathaniel returned. He strode into the living room. When she turned her gaze toward him, his face grew grayer.

  “What is it?” he asked. “Did she say something to you?”

  She explained the short conversation before saying, “Chloe suggested her superiors would prefer Jacob being in a family with two parents who can help him try to overcome the pain he has suffered. We can’t offer him that now unless...”

  “It sounds as if you want me to ask you to be my wife.”

  “I don’t know what I’m saying, Nathaniel.” She surged to her feet. “All I know for sure is Jacob needs to stay here. He’s begun to heal, and if he’s taken away, he’ll lose any progress he’s made.”

  “Did you tell her that?”

  “No.” Her eyes swam in tears. “I don’t think I needed to. She looked dismayed when she found out we aren’t married.”

  “Esther, you’re probably the best friend I’ve ever had. Now and when we were kids, but—”

  “That’s all we’ll ever be.” Why did the words taste bitter? She’d told him many times friendship was what she wanted from him. She’d been lying. Not just to him, but to herself. Maybe not at the beginning when she first learned he’d come back to Paradise Springs, but as the days went on and she spent time with him and Jacob. Sometime, during those weeks in spite of her assertions, she’d begun to believe she and Nathaniel might be able to build a life together.

  Then he’d kissed her...and her old fears of taking a risk had returned.

  His broad hands framed her face and tilted it toward him so his gaze met hers. She saw his sorrow. Did he regret their agreement to be friends, too? Or was his grief focused on Jacob?

  “I can’t marry you, Esther. Not now.” His voice broke. “Not ever.”

  She pulled away before her tears fell and betrayed her. “Danki for telling me that. You’ve made yourself really clear.”

  “Esther, wait!” he called as she started to walk away. “I’ve got a gut reason for saying that. I should have told you this right from the beginning, but I was ashamed.”

  “Of what? Most young men like to play the field, as you put it so tersely.”

  “What?”

  “I heard you and Micah and Daniel laughing at the wedding about how you weren’t going to settle down.”

  “Esther, look at me.”

  She slowly faced him. “Don’t tell me you didn’t say that, because I heard you.”

  “I’m sure you did. What you didn’t hear were the words before those. Micah and I were teasing Daniel about his habits of bringing a different girl home from every event. I was repeating his words to him in jest.”

  “If that’s not the reason—”

  “The truth is I may never be able to be a daed.” The resignation in his voice was vivid on his face. It was the expression of a man who had fought long and hard for a goal, but it was still beyond his reach, and it might be forever.

  “I don’t understand,” she whispered.

  “After we left Paradise Springs, I came back the next summer.”

  “I remember.” She did. That year she’d been too bold and told him she p
lanned to marry him. How ironic that sounded now!

  “I didn’t return the next summer because I was ill.” He took a deep breath and said, “I had leukemia.”

  “Cancer?” she choked out. “I never knew.”

  “I know. My parents wanted to keep it quiet, even from our neighbors in Indiana. They sold off most of their farmland to pay the bills for my treatment.” He rubbed his hands together as if he didn’t know what else to do with them. “They were horrified one of their children was weak enough to succumb to such a disease.”

  “Weakness or strength has nothing to do with it.” She pulled his hands apart, folding one between hers. “You know that, don’t you?”

  “I do, but I don’t think they’ve ever accepted the truth. They always believed they or I had done something wrong. Something to call the scourge down on me.” His mouth tightened into a straight line. “That’s what they call it. The scourge.”

  “I’m sorry.” She was beginning to understand his compassion for Jacob and why it went beyond the simple kindness of helping a kind who was alone in the world. He knew too well how it was to be different.

  “I appreciate that, Esther.”

  “You are all right now?”

  “As gut as if I’d never had cancer. With chemotherapy and radiation, the Englisch doktors saved my life from the disease. That’s how they saw it. A disease that strikes indiscriminately, not a scourge sent to punish my family.” He sighed. “However, the Englisch doktors warned me that the treatments probably had made it impossible for me ever to father a boppli.”

  Tears flooding her eyes blurred his face, but she doubted she’d ever be able to erase his desolate expression from her memory.

  “Oh, Nathaniel, I’m sorry. I know how you love kinder.” She pressed her hands over her heart. “Now you have to worry about losing Jacob. If you think it’ll make a difference—”

  “Don’t say it, Esther. I won’t do that to you. I won’t ask you to take the risk. How many times have you told me you aren’t the same person you were when we were little? That you like to consider all aspects of an issue before you make a decision, that you no longer leap before you look around you.”

  “Nathaniel—”

  “No, Esther, I’m sure of this. I’ve seen you with your scholars. You love kinder. You light up when they’re around, whether at school or at home with your nieces and nephews. Or with Jacob who, despite his grumbling, appreciates the time you spend with him.”

  “So I have nothing to say about this?”

  “What do you mean?”

  She stood on tiptoe and pressed her lips against his. When his arms came around her, they didn’t enfold her. They drew her away but not before she saw the regret in his eyes.

  “Stop it, Esther. My daed warned me I must be stronger than I was when I contracted cancer.” He groaned. “I never imagined I’d have to be this strong and push you away.”

  “Your daed is wrong.” She took his hand again and folded it between her fingers as if in prayer. “I was wrong, Nathaniel, when I let myself believe it’s a gut idea to hide from my adult pain by putting aside my childhood love of adventure. Remember what it was like then? We never questioned if something was worth the risk. We simply went with our hearts.”

  “And ended up bruised and battered.”

  “And happy.” She hesitated, then realized if she hoped for him to open his heart to her, she must be willing to do the same to him. With a tentative smile, she said, “Well, except for one time I’ve never forgotten.”

  “Which time?”

  “You don’t remember?” She was astonished.

  “I’m not sure what you’re referring to. We got into a lot of scrapes together, so you’ll need to be more specific.”

  She looked down at their hands. “I’m talking about the day when you were visiting from Indiana and I came over to your grandparents’ farm, and I took your hand...like this.”

  He smiled as he put one finger under her chin and tipped it so her gaze met his. “I do remember. I thought you were the most wunderbaar girl I’d ever known.” He chuckled. “That hasn’t changed.”

  “I told you I was going to marry you as soon as we were old enough. Remember that?”

  “Ja. I thought you were joking.”

  “I thought I was going to die of embarrassment.”

  He put his hands on her shoulders and smiled. “Never be embarrassed, Esther, to tell someone how you feel. You were brave enough to be honest. If more of us were like that, the world would be a better place.”

  “It didn’t feel like that at the time.” She took a deep breath, knowing if she backed away from risking her heart now, she’d never be able to risk it again. “I’m not going to be embarrassed now when I tell you I love you. I always have, and I always will. Get that through your thick head, Nathaniel Zook. I love you. Not some kinder we might be blessed with some day. You. I’m not saying this because of Jacob. I’m saying this because I can’t keep the truth to myself any longer. If you don’t love me, tell me, but don’t push me away because you’re trying to protect me from what God has planned for the future.”

  She held her breath as he stared at her. Had she been too blunt? Had she pushed too hard?

  “That was quite a speech,” he said with a grin.

  “Don’t ask me to repeat it.”

  “Not even the part when you said you love me?” His arm around her waist drew her to him. As he bent toward her, he whispered, “I want to hear you repeat that every day of our lives, and I’ll tell you how much I’ve always loved you, Esther Stoltzfus. I don’t need to be like your brother and play the field.” He chuckled. “Actually I was in the outfield when you tumbled into my arms. From that moment, I knew it was where I wanted you always to be. But—”

  She put her finger to his lips. “Let’s leave our future in God’s hands.”

  “As long as you’re in mine.” He captured her lips, and she softened against him.

  Savoring his kiss and combing her fingers through his thick hair, letting its silk sift between her fingers, she wondered why she’d resisted telling him the truth until now. Some things were worth any amount of risk.

  Epilogue

  “Hurry, hurry!” called Chloe as she motioned for them to enter a small room beside one of the fancy courtrooms. “You should have been here ten minutes ago so we could review everything before we go before the judge.”

  “We’re sorry. We were delayed.” Nathaniel, dressed in his church Sunday mutze and white shirt, smiled at Esther. In fact, he hadn’t stopped smiling the whole time they rode in Gerry’s van from Paradise Springs into the city of Lancaster.

  She put her hand on his arm, still a bit unsteady after her bout of sickness that morning. When it first had afflicted her last week, she’d thought she’d contracted some bug. However, the illness came only in the first couple of hours of each morning before easing to a general queasiness the rest of the day. It had continued day after day for nearly ten days now.

  This morning, she’d told Nathaniel she believed she was pregnant. His shock had been endearing. She’d warned him that she must go to the midwife and have a test to confirm her pregnancy tomorrow, but she was certain what the test would show. They’d been married only three months, taking their vows barely a month after Ezra and Leah had, and already God had blessed them with a boppli.

  “As long as you’re here now.” Chloe smiled at them. “Any questions before we go in?”

  Jacob tugged on Nathaniel’s sleeve. When Nathaniel bent down, the boy whispered frantically in his ear.

  The social worker smiled and answered before Nathaniel spoke. “Down the hall on your right. Don’t forget to wash your hands, Jacob. The judge will want to shake your hand when she finalizes your adoption.”

  As the boy scurried away, Nathaniel put his arm around Esther. They listened while Chloe exp
lained again what would happen when they went into the courtroom. Official paperwork and recommendations from social services would be presented to the judge, who’d already reviewed copies of them. The judge might ask Jacob a few questions, but the procedure was simple and quick.

  Jacob rushed into the room as another door opened, and a woman invited them into the courtroom. As they walked in, Jacob took Nathaniel’s hand and then Esther’s. They went together to a table where they sat facing a lady judge on her high seat behind a sign that read Judge Eloise Probert.

  The paperwork was placed in front of the judge who barely glanced at it. She smiled at Jacob and asked him if he understood what was going on.

  “Ja... I mean, yes, your honor,” he replied as he’d been instructed. “Once you say so, I won’t be Jacob Fisher any longer. I’ll be Jacob Zook, and Nathaniel and Esther will be my new daed and mamm.” He gulped. “I mean, dad and mom.”

  “That’s right, Jacob.” Judge Probert had a nice smile and a gentle voice. “So this is what you want? To be Nathaniel and Esther’s son?”

  Jacob nodded so hard Esther had to bite her lip not to laugh. She heard a smothered sound from either side of her and saw Nathaniel and Chloe trying not to laugh, too.

  “More than anything else in the whole world,” Jacob answered. “Except maybe a couple more alpacas for our herd.”

  This time, nobody restrained their laughter, including the judge. “Well, I’ll leave that decision to your new parents. Congratulations, Zook family. From this day forward, you are a forever family. All three of you.”

  Esther hugged Jacob and Nathaniel at the same time. She felt so happy and blessed.

  After the paperwork was checked and they signed a few more papers and shook the judge’s hand as well as Chloe’s, Esther walked out of the courtroom with her husband and their son. They smiled at other families awaiting their turn to go before the judge. Congratulations were called to them, and her face hurt from smiling so widely.