Love Me or Miss Me

by Dream Jordan

  “Why won’t you talk to me?” he demanded.

  I just stared at him like he was stupid, because he was.

  “What do you expect me to say?”

  “You know I love you,” he suddenly cooed. “So why are you doing this to me?”

  “Doing what to you?” I demanded, shaking with anger.

  “Why can’t you be honest with me? Tell me what’s going on between—”

  I yanked my arm away from him. He was obviously nuts. I had already told him once, Charles is just my friend. Enough was enough.

  I dug in my pocket for my Metrocard, and made a move toward the turnstile. But Percy grabbed my arm again and said, “Why do you keep walking away from me?”

  “Can you let go of my arm, please? I’m done talking to you.”

  “Oh, it’s like that?”

  “Yeah, it’s like that,” I said calmly. “I’m too ugly for you anyway … so go ask Bianca for her number.”

  “I already did,” Percy spat.

  “Then call her,” I said.

  “I will,” he replied. “So, matter of fact … give me back my phone, slut.”

  “Wow, so I’m a slut now?”

  “A sloppy black slut,” said Percy, emphasizing every word. “I can’t believe I even wasted my time with someone like you.”

  Wounded by Percy’s words, but determined to hide it, I furiously dug up the BlackBerry from my pocket, tempted to throw it at him. Then again, nah, I had my dignity.

  I planned to hand the phone back like a lady, but Percy snatched it savagely from me. “Now you can’t call the punk you been cheating on me with.”

  “Nobody’s cheating on you,” I snapped. “So go ahead and take your little tracking device back. I don’t care.”

  I was about to step away when Percy lifted his right arm, hauled back, and slapped the living mess out of me. I saw stars and lights flash before my eyes. My hand flew up to my cheek; it burned like hell. It felt like Percy’s handprint was actually branded on my face. No one was around to ask, “Did that just happen?” I couldn’t believe it.

  “See what you made me do?” Percy yelled.

  I pressed my hand against my cheek, staring at Percy in disbelief. He had the craziest look in his eyes. This was one of the scariest moments in my life. I had been through hell and back throughout my time in foster care, but I never had someone who claimed to love me, put their hands on me to hurt me. I was shaken to my core.

  “See, if you didn’t make me so mad that wouldn’t have happened.” Percy grabbed my arm again and held it like a vice grip. I was too afraid to move. “Why are you acting this way, huh? Don’t you know how much I love you?”

  Just then, an A train rumbled into the station. People started climbing up the stairs. Now that I had witnesses, I could finally leave Percy where he stood.

  Adding to my confidence, I spotted a police officer walking toward us, like a savior fallen from heaven.

  I twisted from Percy’s grip and darted through the turnstile without looking back.

  * * *

  I sat in a quiet corner on the A train with my feet up on the seat, knees up under my chin. I held my head down so no one could see me crying. A woman tapped me on my shoulder and asked if I was okay, but I had no strength to look up to see who she was. At my stop, I dried my eyes with my T-shirt, but during my walk to Common Grounds, I was crying again.

  I had to pull myself together before I stepped inside the group home. I didn’t want anyone to know what had just happened to me. I was too embarrassed and ashamed. There was no one I could talk to but myself.

  I can still feel Percy’s handprint burning on my face. How could Percy do this to me? How could Percy tell me he loves me in one breath, and then hit me the next? I can no longer deny it; Percy is not the man for me. I need to put an end to this relationship, this abusive, unhappy relationship. My heart is finally telling me what my mind knew all along. Percy is just another piece of the sorry puzzle called My Life. All I ever want is love; all I ever get is hurt.

  Chapter 30

  It was five o’clock in the morning, and I couldn’t go to sleep for nothing. The memory of the previous day’s events pounded in my skull like an unbearable headache. Writing about Percy in my journal didn’t help shed any logical light on him. My mind was split in two confused pieces. Half of me was completely done with the madman. The other half missed the gentleman. Percy was the first guy I ever loved. This was the first real relationship I ever had. It wasn’t going to be as easy to erase Percy completely from my heart. But I knew no matter what, I had to let him go.

  I tossed and twisted in my bed, feeling restless and crazy confused. The terrible things Percy said to me kept revolving around in my brain. How could Percy fix his mouth to call me a sloppy black slut? I thought I was his ebony doll.

  Did Percy love me, or did he not? Had this all been a bad dream? My mind was such a murky mess right now. I desperately needed to talk to someone. But who?

  I couldn’t talk to my closest friends. I was too embarrassed to admit that I had gotten myself hit. I could already hear Felicia saying, “I told you so,” and I could already picture Jeselle, clapping her hands and yelling, “Stomp Percy out!”

  Tisha was the only person I could talk to. But she was about to leave on her honeymoon. I wasn’t sure of the exact date, but she was headed to Paris soon enough, and didn’t need to be hearing any drama from me.

  Still, I desperately needed to talk to someone. I battled myself on whether to call Tisha or not, and finally lost the battle. I had to call her ASAP, or I was about to lose my freaking mind.

  Tisha usually turned her phone off after hours, so I planned to leave a message on her cell phone, marked urgent. I quietly crept downstairs to make the call before the whole house woke up.

  I anticipated voice mail. So imagine my dismay when Tisha answered her phone in a groggy voice.

  “Oh, my gosh, I’m so sorry,” I stuttered. “I didn’t mean to wake you.”

  “Kate? What’s wrong?” Tisha asked in a worried tone.

  “Well … you told me to call you if I ever needed your advice. I really need it now.”

  “Why? What happened?” she asked, now sounding more alert.

  I gave her a brief summary of my relationship with Percy, saving the slap for last.

  I could almost hear Tisha’s bottom lip hit the floor. “Please tell me you’re okay.”

  “Yeah, I’m okay,” I said. “And don’t worry … I’m not planning to go back to him. I’m just feeling a little confused right now. I can’t understand how things went so wrong, so fast.”

  “Well, just be glad Percy showed you his true colors so soon. Some guys can hide their craziness for years.”

  “True.”

  “Do you love him?”

  “I don’t know … well, no … not anymore.”

  “Did you sleep with him?”

  “No … but I was going to.”

  “Just be glad you didn’t. You saved yourself from a complete loser. I can’t believe he laid his hands on you.”

  I didn’t want Tisha to get the idea that Percy was a complete loser, so I told her about all the nice things he had done for me. But Tisha wasn’t having that. “Kate, I’m sorry to tell you, but abusers do nice things to keep you, not because they love you.”

  “Oh … okay … well, it’s just that … I guess a small part of me is just wondering if this was a one-time thing … him hitting me, I mean … nobody’s perfect, and—”

  Tisha cut me off before I could complete my sentence. “Listen, a pigeon-toed guy isn’t perfect, a guy who talks with his mouth full isn’t perfect, but a guy who disrespects you and puts his hands on you is damaged goods. Send Percy back, without looking back. It never gets better, Kate. It only gets worse.”

  I remained silent, taking in the power of her words.

  Tisha continued. “Listen, as much as I love my husband, if Greg hit me today, I’d be signing divorce papers tomorrow. Trust m
e, I don’t play that. Greg would be straight out of luck. Do you hear me?”

  How could I not hear her? Tisha was yelling in my ear now. And when I made the mistake of saying, “Feels like I’m always out of luck … I’m the original bad luck girl,” Tisha started yelling even louder.

  “Kate, bad luck has nothing to do with what happened to you! You chose to walk into this relationship with your eyes closed. You bumped your damn head, and now I’m knocking some sense into it. Don’t ever let a man make you feel like you’re nothing, like he’s doing you a favor by being with you. How many times do I have to tell you, you’re worth more than that?”

  I was sniffling over the phone now. This was all so hard, so embarrassing.

  “I don’t understand you, Kate. Last year, you let some girl make you feel like you weren’t good enough to be with her, and this year you got some guy doing the same thing? This isn’t about luck; this is about your poor choices … your obvious lack of self-esteem. Understand me?”

  I had nothing to say.

  Tisha continued. “How many times do I have to tell you that you had no choice with your parents, but you can choose more wisely when it comes to your friends and your men?”

  “But I didn’t choose Percy,” I objected. “He chose me … and I didn’t expect to fall in love with Percy. It just happened.”

  “Well, don’t be falling in love then,” snapped Tisha. “Watch where you’re going next time, or you’ll end up hurting yourself again. No more falling. You need to walk into a relationship with your eyes wide open. And when you see warning signs, you need to get out fast. Understand me?”

  “Yes,” I said, still sniffling. “I understand.”

  Tisha finally calmed down and said, “I don’t mean to be yelling at you, but I’m just so shocked and upset.”

  She sounded really upset, and I didn’t even mean to upset her, or keep her on the phone this long. I wanted to hang up now.

  “See, I wish you would’ve called me before you got in this deep,” Tisha continued. “You and I are long overdue for a lunch date, but I’m flying to Paris today for my belated honeymoon.”

  Paris today? Of all the days to call Tisha, I had to pick the day of her honeymoon? Worst timing in the world strikes again. Way to go, Kate.

  “I’m so sorry for calling you this early,” I said. “I had no idea you were leaving today.”

  “Listen, I’m glad you called me,” said Tisha. “I have a lot going on, but I want to be there for you when I can. You understand me?”

  “Thanks, Tisha.”

  Before getting off the phone, Tisha made me promise to have a final exit strategy with Percy. She told me it was dangerous to leave him without a plan. “Be respectful to him, but firm,” she told me. “Don’t give him any reason to hope he still has a chance to get back with you.” Then Tisha gave me important Web sites to look at and phone numbers I could call:

  www.loveisrespect.org—1-866-331-9474

  National Domestic Violence Hotline—1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

  www.breakthecycle.org

  Apparently, I wasn’t the first girl to be going through this, because Tisha had all of the info at her fingertips. I felt so protected and relieved when I got off the phone with her.

  I was not alone.

  There was no doubt about it now. Percy did not love me. Percy was dangerous. I had to set him completely free. It would be hard, but I had to be strong. I owed it to myself to stand up for myself, or else, fall back into Percy’s dark and twisted little world.

  Chapter 31

  “Hi, Kate,” said a stranger’s voice. A squeaky little girl’s voice.

  “Who’s this?” I asked, perplexed. The only female who ever called me at the group home was Felicia—back when we were talking. This was surely not Felicia. This girl sounded like a ten-year-old. I looked at Makeba, who had handed me the phone. Confusion was written all over my face. Makeba shrugged and walked away.

  “Hello, Kate?” Now it was Percy on the line.

  My bottom lip hit the floor. Really? I couldn’t believe his everlasting nerve. My chest tightened and heaved up and down like it does when I’m about to have a fight. How dare Percy have some unfamiliar chick calling my crib, let alone calling me period, after all the dirt he had done to me? Did he really think letting a few days pass would erase my freaking memory?

  “Why are you calling me?” I demanded. “And why are you getting other people involved?”

  “Oh, that was just my little cousin Shante … I didn’t want to get you in trouble.”

  “Oh, how nice of you,” I said, rolling my eyes to the ceiling.

  “Listen, baby, I’m sorry about what happened between us, okay? Let’s just put it behind us. I’m really sorry.”

  “No you’re not,” I snapped. I was about to go off on him, but Venus was nearby, watching TV in the living room. I didn’t want her in my business. I wanted to brush my big mistake safely under the dirty carpet.

  Lowering my voice, I said, “Listen, please don’t call here anymore, okay?”

  “Can’t we talk about this in person?”

  “No, we can’t.”

  “Why not?”

  “Well, this sloppy black slut is incredibly busy right now.”

  “Sweetheart, you know I didn’t mean that, right? I was just having a bad day. Don’t you know how much I love you, Kate? Can we please try to work things out?”

  “There’s nothing to work out,” I said. “You’ll never change.”

  “But I need you in my life, Kate.… Please don’t do this to me.”

  “Do what to you?” I snapped. “You’re the one who did it to me. Don’t try to turn things around like you always do.”

  It felt so good talking back to Percy with full force. But I was about to go against Tisha’s advice and completely lose my temper with him. So this back-and-forth mess had to be cut short. Luckily, the excuse of my group home’s fifteen-minute rule saved my day. But it didn’t save my week. I got a call from the same strange little girl every single day, and each time I had to play it off like I knew her, talk to Percy, and try my best not to cause a scene.

  My cover-up routine was so exhausting. But Percy wouldn’t take no for an answer. He needed to speak with me in person, he explained. He had to speak to me in person. “One last time.”

  But I knew Percy was only trying to reel me back into his tangled, drama-filled web in order to feed me more promises he would never keep. Nothing Percy could say would bait me back. I deserved so much better than Percy; and he did not deserve me. Like waking up from a deep sleep, I had finally come to my senses once and for all.

  “Baby, just give me one more chance,” Percy pleaded.

  “Percy, it’s over,” I firmly said, hopefully for the last time. “Seriously, don’t call here again.”

  Click.

  Chapter 32

  Bright and early in the afternoon, Ciara called for me from downstairs. “You have a visitor,” she announced.

  Oh really? I thought. Was it Felicia again? It was going to be so uncomfortable facing her right now. Trust me, I was planning to call her, but not just yet. I was still too embarrassed. Too ashamed.

  I climbed down the stairs with my heart stuck in my throat.

  The front door was cracked halfway open. Apprehensively, I inched up to the threshold to find not Felicia, but a preteen in a ponytail staring at me with big hazel eyes.

  “Hi, I’m Shante.”

  My bottom lip hit the floor.

  “Percy wants to see you,” she said. “He’s waiting for you across the street.”

  Wow. This was some bull.

  Percy’s blind ambition was inescapable. This guy was absolutely nuts. Not nutty over me, just plain old nuts. I was far from flattered by his persistence. Percy’s persistence had nothing to do with love. Percy didn’t love me. I had to keep reminding myself of this simple fact, told myself to never, never look back. The good times we shared had been a fairy tale. Our relationship was o
ver. The End. And apparently, I needed to tell this to Percy’s face because he wasn’t getting it. Bad idea, but what else could I do? Him showing up at my house, and bringing little girls into the situation was not a good look. The madness could not go on. I had to set Percy straight one last time.

  I didn’t want Shante to witness this. She was too young to be caught up in this dramatic mix. “Wait right here,” I told her. Then I went back inside the house and got Ciara. I pretended that I needed to “get busy with my man real quick” and asked her to sneak Shante past Belinda’s snoring face, straight to the back porch.

  “Girl, go get your freak on!” said Ciara, wearing a mischievous smile. I wished I had a reason to smile back.

  I took a deep breath, and bravely stepped outside into the warm afternoon air. Percy’s Avenger was haphazardly parked in front of a fire hydrant, diagonally across the street from the group home. He was sitting inside the car, apparently waiting for me to hop inside. But please, homeboy, I’m not that stupid. I was planning to stand outside in full view.

  Unfortunately, just as my awful timing would have it, I spotted Jeselle and Makeba coming up the block with grocery bags in their hands. So I quickly swung open the car door and ducked inside before they saw me. I didn’t want them to have a clue about what was going on. Things could possibly get ugly.

  As soon as I settled in my seat, Percy reached over to give me a hug. I flinched and ducked his arm. I didn’t want him ever touching me again.

  “Is something wrong, sweetheart?”

  Come on now. What kind of dumb as dirt question was that? Seriously, I wondered if this dude had amnesia, or something. His forgetfulness was so convincing, I almost thought I was the one losing my mind.

  “I got something for you.” Percy reached into the backseat and handed me a lovely bouquet of red roses. Lovely as they were, I didn’t take them. I just looked at the flowers as blooming lies. “These are for you, sweetheart,” he explained, as if I was clueless.