Family Affairs

by Jen Calonita

  CLICK. CLICK. CLICK. There is a flurry of camera flashes.

  Alexis screeches, turns around, and shoves Sky, knocking her backward into Trevor. Sky races at her again. Matty tries to pull Sky off Alexis, but he gets knocked down. Trevor runs over to break the whole thing up and winds up with a bloody nose. CLICK. CLICK. CLICK.

  Suddenly it’s pandemonium. Everyone is throwing themselves on top of each other. Matty, Luke, and Brayden (who also apparently has a thing for Alexis) are trying to pull Alexis out of harm’s way — meaning Sky’s — and Ava and Hallie are still yelling about Alexis tricking them. Trevor is trying to mediate as blood drips down his face, but it’s no use.

  Me, my feet are glued to the floor. My heart is pounding and I can’t move a muscle. All I want to do is get in there and fight, but I know how these things end and I’ve already done enough damage by yelling in public.

  CLICK. CLICK. CLICK.

  “Oh my God,” I hear someone behind me say.

  It’s Tom. He’s arrived just in time to see Sky dragging Alexis by the hair. Tom falls into the nearest chair and covers his face in his hands. This is not good.

  CLICK.

  FRIDAY, 10/18

  NOTE TO SELF:

  Call Laney & Nadine. AGAIN.

  Tell them 2 ready another statement asap.

  HOLLYWOOD NATION

  In The Know

  Family Dysfunction

  by Hayley Lamar

  Family Affair stars Sky Mackenzie, Alexis Holden, and Kaitlin Burke have their sisterly banter down pat — it’s their off-set Flare-ups they have to work on.

  Ever since their very public brawl at Las Vegas’s Tao restaurant, each FA costar has retreated to her own corner to let their publicists do the talking — or should we say do the classic not talking.

  “It was a minor incident that I won’t dignify with a statement,” said Burke’s mouthpiece, Laney Peters, about the fracas.

  “Sky Mackenzie has nothing but the utmost respect for her costars, onscreen and off,” said Mac’s newest mouthpiece (her sixth in four years), Amanda Reynolds. “Vegas is old news.”

  And since Holden has no rep to speak of, the show issued a statement on behalf of all the cast members involved — which is everyone too young to order a drink. “The mood on set is great,” said show runner Tom Pullman. “Family Affair is a family in the truest sense of the word. Some days we have a great deal of fun, and on others, we have our differences, but in the end, our family is one that sticks together.”

  Oh really Tom? In the Know sources hear differently. According to our peeps in play, Family Affair has never been an uglier place to work. Corroborated accounts have bickering costars Burke and Mackenzie siding together for the first time in years against newcomer Holden. And plenty of set sources are starting to see why. “Alexis plays nice for people in charge, but her true colors came out in Vegas. She moved up the goodwill interview everyone was supposed to do with Nation and Celebrity Insider and didn’t tell anyone,” complained one weary crew member. “It’s no wonder they came to blows.”

  * * *

  “. . . in the end, our family is one that sticks together.”

  * * *

  Others, though, are coming to Holden’s defense. “She left word for all her castmates that the interview time changed and they didn’t bother to check their hotel voice-mail boxes,” sniffed a source. “Sky and Kaitlin are just jealous that Alexis is the one getting the spot-light this year. They’ve been giving her a tough time because they can’t handle being reminded that Alexis is more talented than they are. Alexis is the reason ratings are up and they hate that.”

  We’re told the cast trip to Sin City was Tom’s effort to bring the young-ins together, but it only drove the wedge further. Rumor has it that FA had to shut down the set for a few days to deal with the fracas, which has cost the studio close to a million in shooting delays and future missed on-air dates. The show’s number one star, Melli Ral-ton, (who plays the girls’ mother, Paige) is so upset, she’s thinking of leaving the show if Tom doesn’t figure out a solution to this catfight fast.

  Just who would be thrown out is another story. While Alexis’s fans seem to think it’s time for some new blood, Burke and Mackenzie fans are sticking by their favorite twin sibs. Either way, In the Know hears if things don’t shape up soon, someone will be getting the ax.

  * * *

  “Sky and Kaitlin are just jealous that Alexis is the one getting the spotlight this year. . . . Alexis is the reason ratings are up and they hate that.”

  * * *

  “Tom is really upset about all the squabbling,” said a source. “He told me one more incident and he’ll tell the network someone’s head has to go on the chopping block.”

  Eleven: Dance as if No One’s Watching

  Now this is the kind of mission I don’t mind being disguised for! Thanks to a curly red wig, my Dodgers cap, Gucci shades, J Brand jeans, and a plain tee; an on-purpose late arrival; and Rodney’s promise to maintain his distance and blend in (he’s in parent mode, wearing a button-down Ralph Lauren Polo shirt and brown chinos), I was able to foil the camped-out paparazzi and go to the Homecoming parade. I got to see Austin wear a corny plastic crown, smile, and wave to the cheering crowd from the back of a pickup truck. Watching him do that was a better high than logging on and seeing I’m not being crucified on perezhilton.com today. Ducking Larry the Liar didn’t feel too shabby either. It’s the first time in over a week they haven’t accused Sky and me of being the most unruly teen stars of our generation.

  I’m not worrying about the Alexis problem now. Today is about Austin and how I can make his birthday spectacular. Even the sight of Austin’s ex, Lori, hanging her bony arm on Austin can’t crush my mood. I get to play dedicated girl-friend for once without a box of hot-off-the-presses Hollywood Nation issues falling on my head.

  After the Homecoming football game (which Clark loses 17-5), Rodney and I hop into our undercover car — we use Nadine’s beat-up Nissan — and drive to Austin’s house without being followed. YES! For once, things couldn’t go smoother.

  “Boo,” I whisper, walking up behind Austin, who is alone and sneaking a lick of frosting from his birthday cake. The Meyerses’ kitchen smells like vanilla and raw cookie dough and looks like a country catalog. Their farmhouse table and restored icebox freezer are a faded green and the wallpaper is a dizzying pattern of apples and roosters. I start singing the “Happy Birthday” song and my oxygen supply is cut off with a long kiss.

  “Guys,” Rodney whines. “You know I hate when you do that in front of me.”

  “Sorry, Rod.” Grinning, Austin gently pulls the curly mop off my head and removes my sunglasses. “Aren’t you supposed to be at work, Burke?” He frowns slightly. “I don’t want you getting in any trouble on account of me.”

  “I’m not in trouble.” I was a little panicked that my lie to Austin was going to be reality. I thought we were going to have to work because of the delay in filming all last week, but Tom was so backed up in postproduction that he gave us the time off anyway. Not that he was happy about it.

  I wipe a smudge of chocolate frosting off the side of Austin’s mouth. “I lied about working today,” I admit with a grin, “so that you couldn’t give Rod and me a hard time about checking out the game.”

  “You were there?” Austin asks, his blue eyes wide. “But . . . how? The paparazzi were crawling all over the place. Larry the Liar even tried to get on the field! Principal P. made an announcement about how you weren’t there, hoping they’d all leave.”

  I tell Austin about Rodney’s security plan and how everything went smoothly. “Which means that since no one saw me at the game, and Principal P. announced I wasn’t coming, and you and Lizzie told everyone at Clark I was working, the coast is clear for me to go to Homecoming with you and see you crowned as part of the court,” I ramble. Austin opens his mouth to protest and I take a spoonful of the leftover icing from the bowl on the counter and stick it in hi
s mouth. “Laney and my parents know where I am and they’re okay with it too,” I promise, reading his thoughts. “And I agreed Rodney could shadow me so I won’t be caught off-guard if Larry or any of the other persistent stalkers show up. I promise we’ll leave at the first sign of trouble, not that I think there will be any,” I cut him off and babble quickly. “One last thing — the dress I got for tonight is not to be missed. I wouldn’t be surprised if it caused you heart palpitations. So what do you say, birthday boy? Aren’t you going to ask me to the dance?” I bat my eyes.

  “Kates,” Rodney whines again.

  “Sorry, Rod.” I take a spoon and scoop up some frosting myself. Wow, is that fudge?

  “You really want to go with me to some lame dance?” Austin asks, grinning.

  “Yes,” I say. “Homecoming doesn’t sound lame to me. It sounds like more fun than I’ve had in months.”

  “You won’t be saying that after you see what we have planned for your birthday.” Austin winks. Then his bright smile fades. “Wait. We can’t. I only have one ticket for me and you can’t get any at the door.”

  I pull a shiny orange ticket from my J Brand jeans pocket. “Not a problem. Liz bought me one weeks ago.”

  Austin kisses me again and Rodney coughs. “You’re amazing,” he says.

  “I’m glad someone thinks so.” I look deep into Austin’s blue eyes. “But don’t thank me too much. I still don’t have a replacement birthday gift for you.” After what went down in Sin City, Laney and Mom vetoed a return flight anytime soon, nixing all plans I had for Austin’s NASCAR experience. How could I argue? I’m not proud of what happened in Vegas. Especially since it didn’t stay there.

  Austin squeezes my waist tighter, and my body feels warm. “Vegas is overrated anyway, and I told you that gift was too elaborate. It makes me uncomfortable when you spend so much.” He nuzzles my chin. “Besides, figuring out a way to go to Homecoming with me, even after I claimed I didn’t care about going, is the best birthday present you could give me.” He kisses me softly on the lips again. I hear footsteps, but I’m enjoying the moment too much to pull away.

  “I didn’t know you two were back,” Austin’s mother says. She grabs the bowl of leftover frosting from the kitchen counter. “How was the game?”

  “You knew Kaitlin was going?” Austin asks.

  She laughs. “Why do you think I set two extra places at the table? For Kaitlin and Rodney! We’ve got to eat dinner and have cake early so you two can get to the dance,” she adds. Her blond hair is pulled back in a ponytail and she’s wearing a navy blue velour warm-up suit. If Mom were here, she’d probably convince Mrs. Meyers to change, claiming velour is “too mainstream now.”

  “Rodney, you’ll be staying for dinner, won’t you? I made lasagna and there’s plenty of cake,” Mrs. Meyers adds.

  “Thank you. It all smells amazing,” Rodney says happily. “Tell me, is that homemade fudge frosting? I couldn’t help tasting a spoonful.”

  Dinner moves quickly and the phone doesn’t ring for me even once! Mom and Laney haven’t called to ask me about another damage control interview, fittings for my next Fever cosmetics commercial, or whether I’m free for dinner next Thursday to meet a producer about a potential project. I think even Team Burke knows I need a day off after how stressful work has been.

  The post-Vegas fiasco vibe on set has been colder than a Vanilla Ice Blended. No one under the age of seventeen is talking AT ALL, except when they go to the principal’s office — aka Tom’s, with whom everyone is setting up private meetings to discuss the tense situation and all the rumors about one of us being canned. The only bright spot is that Alexis is busy trying to do damage control with Ava and Hallie and it’s not working. The pair of them have been so turned off by Alexis’s betrayal that they’ve told anyone who will listen the true version of Vegas events.

  I’m clinging to the hope that my meeting with Tom goes well so I can tell him what happened too. But Tom’s assistant hasn’t given me a date or time for mine yet. I know Sky doesn’t have one either. That can’t be a good sign.

  Things at FA are messier than they’ve ever been, and that includes the season Melli fought with our director every week over lighting. Speaking of Melli, she and the older players, like Spencer, are so disappointed by the Vegas thing that they aren’t talking to us either. It’s killing me not to have Melli to talk to. Throw in the crew, who is bitter about having to work weekends, and you’ve got tension thicker than a smoggy Los Angeles morning. I’m fixated on what Tom is going to do. How does the network not realize Alexis is the root of all evil? The Darth Maul of actors? The Voldemort of TV?

  Whenever I’ve thought of leaving FA (being wooed away to star in a blockbuster trilogy . . . taking a break and attending school fulltime . . .) the one scenario I didn’t think of was being fired. Tom’s always praised me for being a professional and now here I am, along with everyone else, in the middle of a major feud. I want my FA run to end when I say so, not because of some stupid costar.

  “Are you okay, Burke?” Austin asks. He gives my hand a squeeze and shakes me loose from my dark thoughts as Rodney drives us to Clark High School a little while later in Nadine’s Nissan. “Do you want to back out? We can turn this car around, you know. I wouldn’t blame you after what happened at the Spring Fling.” He looks worried.

  My other worst nightmare come to life reenters my mind. I can see Sky outing me when I went undercover as “Rachel Rogers,” in front of a gym packed with my classmates and camera crews. I think of the media scrutiny of my life that followed and I stare at Austin intently to calm my nerves. His hair smells of coconut shampoo and is gelled. He’s wearing his Armani suit, the one he was gifted when he was supposed to be my date to the Teen Titan awards. Well, before I canceled on him and we broke up for a few weeks. I ran after him hours before the show started to apologize, and we got back together again. I’m exhausted just thinking about our crazy courtship. I quickly push the stalkerazzi images away. “I’m going.” I’m firm. “Tonight is your night and I’m not missing it.”

  “This is not going to be a repeat of the Spring Fling,” Rodney tells us. “I’ve done a thorough study of the gym this time. I know all the exits, how many paces it will take to get to Nadine’s car, how to handle any undercover paparazzi who might show. Nothing is going to go wrong.”

  I smile at Rod, who has changed out of his football duds and into a tailor-made gray suit.

  “Rodney, your bodyguard skills rock,” Austin says. I freeze, moving only my eyes to look at Rodney’s. OOPS!

  HOLLYWOOD SECRET NUMBER ELEVEN: If you’re a celebrity, you never refer to the person you’ve hired to protect you as your bodyguard. Rod, and all the guys he knows in the biz, seem to think the word bodyguard sounds like a mindless thug, while the term personal security has a more intelligent ring. They’ve certainly earned the right to be called whatever they want. Rod is responsible for protecting me 24/7, drops everything in his life to fit my schedule, has to worry about getting sued over altercations, and is stuck following me everywhere, even when I do something as unguyish as get a pedicure. No wonder we pay him almost $200,000 a year.

  “Thanks,” Rodney mumbles as we pull into the familiar parking lot. I’m sure he’ll forgive Austin for the slipup.

  There are no camera vans in sight and I breathe a sigh of relief. Still, Rodney gets out of the car first and moves us swiftly to the back entrance of the boys’ locker room. He raps on the metal door three times and I give myself a once-over while I wait. I chose a Dolce & Gabbana pale pink satin dress for tonight. The lingerie-style gown clings to my every curve, ends at my knees, and is held up by spaghetti straps. My hair is pulled back in a smooth low bun.

  The door slowly opens and Principal Pearson peeks out.

  “Right on time,” she squeals with a clap of her hands. “I’m so happy to see you!” We hug.

  “Principal P. was in on this too?” Austin sounds incredulous. We both nod.

  “Ev
erything okay on the inside?” Rodney asks her.

  Principal P. nods. “Not a camera in sight, well, if you ignore the disposable ones the students are using. I can’t do anything about those, but I did ban camera phones. I’m sure that was slightly suspicious of me, but I had them confiscated at the door.”

  “You’re incredible,” I tell Principal P. as she guides us out of the dark locker room, which smells faintly like old gym socks. We head down the long corridor to the gym. “Thanks for helping me so I could be here.”

  Principal P. pauses. Her round face crinkles slightly and she pushes her short salt-and-pepper hair out of her eyes. Tonight she’s put away her eclectic dresses and chosen a floral purple pantsuit. “While I have you, Kaitlin, I was hoping you could tell me a bit about . . .”

  Oh no. I forgot Principal P. is a Family fanatic. Please don’t say Alexis or Vegas. Laney made me swear on any future Oscar nominations that I wouldn’t let the words Alexis or Vegas cross my lips tonight.

  “. . . Alexis Holden.”

  UGH. “What about her?” I ask, trying not to sound nervous.

  “I hate her,” Principal P. says without hesitating. “She’s a dreadful actress. What does the show see in her?”

  “Principal P., I love you!” I gush, letting go of Austin’s hand and throwing myself around her large frame. She laughs. “Ask me anything about the show. Anything! If I have the answer, I’ll tell you.”