Sin & Suffer

by Pepper Winters

  “I’ll see you out.” Planting my feet on the carpet, I tugged the blanket tighter around my waist.

  “No, just stay there.” Doctor Laine pressed my shoulder. “Rest, remember?” Letting me go, she cocked her head toward the kitchen. “I’ve left some higher dose anti-inflammatories for you on the counter. Take four in the next twenty-four hours, then stop. They’ll destroy your stomach lining and you’ll have more problems to deal with if you don’t.”

  I nodded. “Got it.”

  Rolling her eyes, she nodded at Cleo. “If you need me again, you have my number on speed dial. Goodbye, Mrs. and Mr. Killian.”

  Cleo flushed.

  My heartbeat picked up, imagining an existence where we became irrevocably joined. My insatiable need to make it a reality almost had me dropping to a fucking knee right there.

  With one last disapproving look, Doctor Laine disappeared briskly from the lounge and the faint click of the front door was the starting gun for Cleo’s impending tirade.

  She spun around, her soft flush transforming to bright anger.

  I tensed in preparation for her onslaught.

  I waited …

  Only, it never happened.

  I glanced at her from the corner of my eye. My heart splintered as a single tear rolled down her cheek. “Ah, Buttercup … don’t.”

  She swiped at her cheeks, backing away from the couch. “Don’t ‘Buttercup’ me.” Dragging hands through her lust-tangled hair, she bared her teeth. “You passed out while inside me, Arthur! Do you have any idea how terrifying that was? How scared I was when you wouldn’t wake up? How much I screamed when I had to roll you off me and felt you slip out of me like you were dead?”

  She wrapped her arms around herself, trembling. “It was awful! And what’s worse—it was all my fault!”

  I sat forward, clutching my head in my hands. “It wasn’t your fault.”

  “Yes, it was. You wanted to stop. You kept trying to go slow and I forced you.”

  My own temper unfurled. “This isn’t about you, Cleo. I knew better, but I have no fucking control when it comes to you.”

  “See, my fault again!” A sob existed behind her sharpness.

  Standing, I moved toward her. I had to hold her. Had to apologize. Holding out my hand, I murmured, “I’m sorry.”

  She stumbled away. “What is going on with you? Why won’t you tell me?” Taking a shaky breath, her voice turned cold. “I’ll tell you why. Because you’re pigheaded and arrogant and think you’re invincible. You’ve hidden your pain all your life. You never trusted me to help you.”

  Her face twisted but she didn’t break down. “Well, newsflash for you, Killian. You are mine. If you’re not well, I need to know. If you’re keeping things from me, I deserve to be informed. Now that you’re awake, I need … I need some time alone. I can’t deal with your secrets anymore.”

  Her voice disappeared to an axe-sharp whisper. “You can’t keep things from me. I won’t let you. You’ve always had every part of me—but I never had all of you. And that … that hurts me so much.”

  Before I could argue, she ran.

  I’d never shared a house with a pissed off female before.

  It officially fucking sucked.

  Cleo somehow managed to fill the house with her outrage, spreading it in every room. Everywhere I moved, her petulance followed me. It redecorated the entire place, successfully making me feel like a jackass.

  I didn’t know if I was meant to go to her or wait until she came to me, but by eleven p.m. I’d had enough.

  I’d taken my prescribed drugs but my head was no better. I’d spent a few hours trading—which was absolutely fucking useless. And all I wanted to do was sleep again.

  She’d had five hours to stew. It was time to get over it and let me make it up to her.

  You’re banned from sex.

  As much as I wanted to, I couldn’t afford to be so reckless again. I’d sensed the entire time I held her on the countertop and seduced her that I wouldn’t last. Every pump of blood that’d disappeared into my trousers had clanged warning bells behind my eyes. The lance in my brain grew to epic proportions the more I gave in to her spell.

  And you fucking passed out while inside her.

  I groaned.

  Turning the lights off downstairs, I climbed the stairs with one heavy footfall after another.

  I held the banister—which I never normally did—just to be on the safe side in case my brain decided tumbling to my demise would be worthwhile.

  “I missed you,” a soft whisper sounded in the dark.

  I stopped short, willing my eyes to acclimatize to the lack of light. That was another thing I noticed from this fucking concussion. My eyes weren’t quick to adjust, remaining fuzzy on the outskirts despite my immense concentration.

  Doctor Laine had said she saw no reason why my intelligence wouldn’t be the same as it was before—if I graced my body with enough time to do what it needed to do.

  Only problem was, I had shit hanging over my head. My future was as complicated as a demolition building in a highly populated area. I only had eyes on one destruction but if I didn’t manage it closely, it could end up taking out entire blocks of innocents.

  Cleo finally came into focus. I frowned at the way her knees were drawn up to her chin, her arms wrapped around her shins. She looked lost, afraid, and uncertain.

  I did that to her.

  Squatting before her, I kept hold of the spindle of the banister. “What are you doing sitting on the stairs?”

  “Waiting for you.”

  My headache twinged. “Why didn’t you come get me?”

  “Because I’m mad at you.”

  I smiled. She was too damn cute pouting and pissed off. Tucking a cascade of hair over her shoulder, I trailed my fingertips along her cheekbone.

  She shivered, sucking in a breath.

  “Don’t be mad at me. I hate it when you’re angry.”

  “Then don’t keep things from me.” She moved her face from my touch, her green eyes the only color in the darkness.

  I sighed heavily. “I was only sparing you from the details. I didn’t want you to worry.”

  “How about giving me those details so I can be prepared? Having you just black out while making love to me hasn’t exactly given you a gold star.”

  I chuckled. “I didn’t know I was on a rating system.”

  She pursed her lips.

  Moving to sit beside her, I nudged her shoulder with mine. “Okay, you want to know? Fine. My brain is swollen. The doctor gave me some rules that I should’ve followed, but I didn’t.” I shrugged. “I paid the consequences. Simple as that.”

  She turned to face me, her gaze sparkling with new sprung anger. “No, not simple as that. What else. You’re keeping something else from me. I want to know. Right now.”

  What do you want to know?

  The fact I will murder my own flesh and blood in a few days?

  The fact I made a promise to hand my life over to a cause that I believe in completely but now feel as if it’s controlling me?

  Or the fact that no matter what I do with my life, it’s never enough? That I always second-guess—think I could’ve done better—done more?

  I massaged my temples. She doesn’t need to know any of that. “I’m having trouble with certain parts of my life.”

  “Like what?”

  “Like trading and mathematics,” I said quietly, knowing the moment I said it aloud, Cleo would pity me. But it was the easiest detail to give.

  “Oh, God, Arthur.”

  And there it was.

  Fucking pity.

  “But you’ve always relied on numbers.”

  No shit.

  “I know.” Forcing myself to sound optimistic, I said, “But the doctor assured me there’s no reason why it won’t come back, so … I’m not gonna dwell on it.”

  Cleo didn’t respond.

  Instead, she stood up and held out her hand. “Come on.”r />
  Eyeing her cautiously, I stood up and placed my hand in hers. She was so tiny, so delicate, so breakable, yet strong enough to put up with me and my mess. And my life was a fucking mess. With more on the horizon.

  Her green eyes remained glossy and deep, but the pity I feared faded into conviction and courage.

  My cock twitched, setting fire to every bruise and twinge.

  Stop that.

  No sex. No orgasm. No pleasure until I got this under control.

  Closing the distance, her arms wrapped around me.

  My heart clenched, then drowned in love for her.

  I squeezed her close. Goddammit, it’d been a rough few days. All I wanted to do was slip inside her again, make her shatter, and then sleep. Preferably in that order.

  But she wasn’t on the menu.

  Her tiny fingers landed on my chest. “Remember when I first arrived? You tried to climb these stairs with that knife wound bleeding you dry and almost passed out on the first rung.”

  I kissed the tip of her nose. “I was trying to run away from you.”

  “Why?”

  “Why do you think?”

  Her face fell. “Because you hated me.”

  Christ, no.

  “Wrong. It was because you made me feel something I never wanted to feel again. I wanted you—fuck how I wanted you—but I hated that I wanted you, too.”

  She inhaled hard. “Why?”

  “Because by wanting you, I was being a traitor to your memory.” I held her away from me, staring into her eyes. “Guilt is as much a part of me as breathing. Every damn day I suffered with it, knowing I’d ruined us, your family, myself. Every time I craved company, I drowned in guilt because I couldn’t have you. I could never have the woman I loved because of what I’d done.”

  She stretched on her toes and kissed me. “How many times do I need to tell you? You didn’t do any of that.” Her fingertips circled my heart. “Cut out that guilt. It has no reason to be there anymore.”

  Unable to speak, I tucked her into my side and together we climbed the last step and headed toward the bedroom. Once inside, I spun her around and undid the zipper holding her black dress in place. She didn’t argue as I slid the metal teeth apart and let the material slip from her shoulders.

  Her gorgeous body of scars and ink stole the remaining intelligence I had left. I morphed back into the boy I’d been—a boy who’d never forgotten his perfect soul mate and now somehow had her for all eternity.

  Gathering her close, I kissed her shoulder, slinking my hands to massage her back. “I never let anyone else into my heart, yet the second I saw you bound and gagged and covered in mud, I fell in love with you all over again. I cheated on you with you. I found comfort from missing you with you. And it fucking killed me to think I was moving on when all I wanted to do was live in the past.”

  She captured my face. “I hate that I left you behind. I hate that I caused you so much pain. But I can say that even though I didn’t remember, I never stopped loving you. Your eyes haunted my dreams. Your touch and smell were phantoms in my life—tugging me back to you.” She kissed me, her tongue hesitantly licking my bottom lip. I opened for her, welcoming her taste into my mouth.

  She relaxed into the kiss. “There was never anyone else for me.”

  “You could’ve moved on,” I panted, never tearing my lips away from hers, kissing her and feeding words directly into her mouth. “You had a choice.”

  Her fingers dug into my cheeks. “I never had a choice, Art. Never.”

  Her soft kiss turned demanding—a need to confirm we were both still alive. My cock swelled and as much as I wanted to break the rules, I couldn’t.

  I wanted to grow old with her.

  I wanted her all the days and all the nights I had left on this earth.

  I wouldn’t risk her—not now I had her back.

  “Wait here,” I whispered, kissing her one last time.

  Moving before she had time to quarrel, I disappeared into the bathroom and turned on the taps of the large bath. Waiting until the water temperature was perfect, I slipped out of the jeans and T-shirt I’d shrugged into after Doctor Laine had gone and prowled back to the bedroom.

  Cleo stood gloriously naked exactly where I left her. Her flat stomach was smooth and perfect while the shiny scars licked her right side and the pretty blue flowers and hidden star signs decorated her left.

  She’s like a colorful constellation.

  Her mouth parted as I looped my fingers with hers and guided her toward the bathroom.

  My headache pounded harder, keeping up a rhythm with my racing heartbeat and throbbing dick.

  Calm down.

  No fucking way did I want to pass out again.

  This wasn’t about sex or lust.

  This was about more.

  A purging of sorts—washing ourselves free from the past and embracing the present.

  Stepping over the rim of the bath, I gently guided Cleo into the warm water until it lapped around our waists. My breathing becoming faint as my vision stuttered. The sound of gushing taps and steam spirals filled the bathroom as Cleo melted into the heat and reclined against my chest.

  Having her surrender to me, with her breasts floating and breaking the film of the water and her eyes at half-mast sent my heart racing for an entirely different reason. And when her head lolled dreamily and rested between my shoulder and base of my neck, I crushed her to me with far too much strength.

  She squeaked but didn’t complain. I didn’t do anything but hold her wordlessly. Her vulnerability gave me power. Her submission gave me peace.

  Words weren’t needed.

  Conversation not required.

  The soft mist and condensation did a much better job, drenching us in silent feelings.

  I’d never known how she could make me feel invincible one second, then hopeless the next. Her love did that—it was an elixir and a curse. Something that would be forever at odds with my world and everything I currently stood for.

  Reaching for the expensive soap that my maid stocked, I slowly washed her chest.

  She purred as I massaged her shoulders, touching her all over. Ungluing her head from my shoulder, she looked lazily into my eyes. Without a sound, her tiny hand disappeared behind her and wrapped around my cock.

  What the hell is she doing?

  “Cleo—” I hissed as she held me tighter. “You heard the doctor; you need to stop.”

  She would have to be the one to pull away.

  I couldn’t make her. I had no willpower. None. My life as well as my dick was in her hands.

  She didn’t let me go, nor did she stroke me either—just continued to hold me as if I were a possession. “I have a point to make.” Her fingers squeezed. “Hopefully, I have your utmost attention this way.”

  My balls twitched. I swallowed hard. “You have my undivided concentration.”

  I groaned as she tightened her fingers again. “I’ve always belonged to you, Art. Only you.”

  My blood pressure pinged, screaming like a kettle about to explode.

  “I know.” Blissful sensation gathered stronger. My head thickened. “And you know I’ve always belonged to you. But by Christ, Cleo … you. Have. To—”

  “Not yet.”

  I gritted my teeth.

  I couldn’t stop her. Even though she didn’t move, her grip felt too fucking good.

  “Shit … it’s too much.” The room went dark. “You have to stop.”

  “It’s always too much with you,” she breathed. “Everything about you is too much. Your size, your love, your generosity, your wealth.” She tilted her chin, her lips grazing mine. “But no matter how much I get of you, it’s never enough. I can’t even stay mad at you because I understand the way you think. And I can’t punish you even when you hurt me so much by hiding.”

  Her other hand rose from the water, raining droplets over my chest as her fingers twined into my hair. “You terrified me, Art. You cut out my heart when
you passed out inside me and I’ll never forget the feeling of losing you in my embrace.” Holding me hostage, her lips pressed against mine.

  I grunted with pain. My vision went completely black. I had no idea where I was or how to fucking stay sane. “Goddammit, Buttercup. Stop.”

  My hips twitched. My cock wanted every squeeze and stroke she gave, even as my brain wept at the thought of passing out again.

  I hoped she’d ignore me and straddle me.

  I hoped she’d obey me and grant me mercy.

  I hoped for so many things.

  And I ached with bitter disappointment when she finally surrendered and let me go.

  Blood rushed into my balls; my vision stuttered into pieces.

  “Consider that a warning, Art. Hurt me by hiding important things again and I’ll make sure you know firsthand how it felt.”

  My heart struggled to calm.

  In that moment, I saw the firecracker teenager who I fell so fucking hard for. I remembered why I’d been equally enamored and terrified of her. She turned me on, excited me, but ultimately ruled me with just one touch of her tiny hands and one reprimand of her perfect voice.

  I understood why she’d ignored the parameters I’d been set. I knew why she’d done what she had and I didn’t blame her.

  I hurt her. And she needed me to see just how much.

  “I’m sorry.”

  Her hands fell away; a single kiss lingered on my lips. Her voice wrapped around me as gently as the steam from our bath. “I love you, Arthur Killian. I would do anything for you and I promise to adore you forever. But if you ever cut me out to protect me again. If you keep secrets or hide, I won’t be the sweet girl you remember.”

  I know.

  Her green eyes sparked. The atmosphere changed to electric. I didn’t need to ask who she’d become if I hurt her again—I recognized the fiery girl from my past, now transformed into a woman in my arms. But I wanted her to know I took her seriously. That she’d proven her point rather eloquently. “Who will you be?”

  She stroked my thighs beneath the water, her nails skating threateningly. “I’ll be the woman who will make you pay.”

  Her words echoed in my heart, heavy with warning.