Mrs. Thompson rises. “I’m sure they’re fine. I think I’ll head to bed, too.”
I help her gather up the glasses and set them in the dishwasher in the kitchen.
We hear voices outside and I peer out a window. Tori and Mark are sitting on the deck in the dark. “They’re outside,” I tell Jax, jerking my head.
“Ah. Okay.”
“Good night, everyone, “I say. “This was so fun.”
“It was fun. Good night, Molly.” Mrs. Thompson smiles at me, a warm, genuine smile that makes me feel at ease.
I use the bathroom and then shut myself in my bedroom. Sitting on the side of the bed, I pout. Jax and I have been sleeping together every might for a couple of weeks now. I don’t want to sleep alone. But with his family here, and us telling them we’re “just friends,” I guess we don’t have much choice.
I change into my nightshirt, keeping my socks on because it does get cool here at night and my feet are always cold, and crawl into bed. I turn on my Kindle to read for a while.
But I can’t focus on the story I’m reading. I keep thinking about Jax. I keep thinking about how kind he is, how he’s been my rock and my knight in shining armor. I could have saved myself. I mean, I did save myself. But he helped. I’ll always be grateful to him for that.
I like him so much. Oh God. This feeling…this swelling, warm feeling in my chest when I think about him. Not to mention the fact that I want to jump him every time I see him. This feels like more than liking him…it feels like love.
I’ve been in love before. And not that long ago. I was crazy about Steve. And yet…there’s something about this that’s different. I feel like Jax and I fit together.
There were ways Steve and I didn’t fit together. He didn’t like dancing. Cooking. Reading. Nothing wrong with people who don’t like those things, and I don’t think you have to like all the same things to be well-suited, but Jax and I always seem to be in sync—when it’s time to sit together quietly and read, when it’s time to get up and go for a hike. We do some alone things, like he goes for a long solo run every morning, heads to the gym in Onanole to work out while I sit on the dock and gaze at the lake or do some yoga, but he good-naturedly tagged along as I explored the cute little gift shops and I had no problem following him while he hiked around taking photographs at Deep Bay.
The bedroom door opens quietly, and Jax slips in.
My heart bumps and I smile.
He closes the door quietly, takes a couple of steps and stretches out on the bed next to me.
I toss my Kindle aside. My entire body reaches out to him, every cell full of longing for him. “Hi,” I whisper.
“Hi.” He lifts a hand to smooth my hair back.
“You can’t sleep here.”
“I know. Fuck. But I want to kiss you goodnight.”
He rolls toward me, sets hand on my stomach over the quilt and leans in for a kiss. Our mouths meet in a long, heated kiss. We kiss again, and again, and I’m getting dizzy and hot.
God. I’m brimming. Overflowing with emotion and things I want to say to him. Does he feel the same?
When he draws back our eyes meet, and I search his face for any sign that he wants to say something, too. My pulse accelerates, my breath coming in tiny puffs. The air pulses around us and I wait, moments piling on moments as he cups my face, his thumb rubbing over my bottom lip.
“You’re beautiful, Molly.”
My face heats and my heart beats faster. “I wish you could stay.”
“Me too,” he groans. He kisses my forehead and rolls off the bed. “Good night, little trivia whiz.” He slips noiselessly from the room.
I close my eyes, my throat tightening and my lungs constricting.
I guess he doesn’t feel the same.
I mean, in fairness I didn’t say anything to him about how I feel. Oh my God. My feelings are getting way too caught up in all this. It’s a good thing I’m leaving Sunday.
I turn off the light and roll so my face is pressed into the pillow.
20
Jax
Mom, Grandma and Grandpa are planning to leave around four o’clock. I’m acutely aware of every passing hour on Sunday and the fact that Molly is leaving with them.
This makes me unaccountably angry. Not at her. I’m not sure what I’m angry at, to be honest.
I know I have to get her alone before she leaves. The last couple of days have been fun with the family but torture not sleeping with Molly. In a short time, I’ve gotten accustomed to having her in my bed. To having her. Every night. Every morning. Sometimes afternoons.
So after lunch on Sunday, I announce that Molly and I are going for a walk. I ignore the looks exchanged between my parents and grandparents.
We walk to the main beach and out onto the pier. At the end, we sit on the bench and look out over the lake. The sky is overcast and the lake is more gray than blue today with whitecaps. The air is heavy and sultry with the promise of a thunderstorm. I want to say something, but I don’t have a fucking clue what to say.
“Jax.”
“Yeah?”
“You’ve given me so much this summer.” She sighs.
“Like what?”
“Experiences. Seeing dolphins and whales in the ocean. Bison. A moose.” Driving back from Lake Audy where the bison enclosure is, we saw a huge moose standing near a creek. “Seeing the Northern Lights.”
“An orgasm under the Northern Lights.”
She laughs. “Yes. That was spectacular. So much beauty and fun.”
“You were supposed to go to Europe.” Fuck. Why did I bring up the honeymoon?
“Yeah.” She pauses. “Steve didn’t even want to go to Europe.”
“Why not?”
“Because people don’t speak English there.”
My eyebrows shoot up. “Um. Well, I think some do, but yeah, isn’t that part of the experience?”
“Exactly!”
“No offense but the more you tell me, the more it seems like you and Steve weren’t all that compatible.”
She wrinkles her nose. “Yeah. He doesn’t even like trivia.”
“See?”
She appears to sink into thought.
I clear my throat. “Anyway. You’ve given me a lot, too.”
She turns to me. “No, I haven’t.”
“Yeah, you have. The impetus to fix things with my dad. You listened to me go on and on about my contract.” I pause. “I can’t really talk to many people about that.”
She nods. “Blow jobs.”
I burst out laughing. “Yeah. Fantastic blow jobs. And lots of fun. I had a great summer.”
“I’m glad. I did too.”
Our eyes meet. I feel my heartbeat through my whole body. My breath quickens and my hands tingle with the need to touch her. Hold her. Keep her.
We agreed this is when it would end. She’s going back to Chicago.
I don’t believe in long-term relationships. I have this crazy fear that if I was ever in a relationship, I’d repeat my father’s mistake. So I avoid relationships and commitment.
And even if I did, if I thought I could take the chance that I could actually be faithful to one woman…she’s my teammate’s ex. The bro code that says that’s something you just can’t do.
I think about Baxter, who I played with in Philly, who had an affair with another guy’s wife. I think about the turmoil that caused for the whole team. If it gets out that Molly and I had an affair, I’m fucking doomed. I can kiss that contract goodbye.
It was a great summer, though. The best.
I almost laugh remembering how I tried to talk Molly out of coming to California with me. And then how much fun it was having her there. And how much better she made me feel about my family.
I see my own feelings reflected in Molly’s eyes. The same gratitude. Happiness, yet sorrow. The same longing.
We share a smile, a slow sorrowful smile. I lean in and she turns up her face so I can cover her mouth with mine. My li
ps cling to hers in an achingly tender kiss and my heart nearly beats out of my chest.
“It has to be this way,” she whispers. “Right?”
It takes me a few seconds to get the word out. “Right.”
We plod back to the cottage, holding hands, not saying anything.
When we get there, Grandma and Grandpa are sitting on the deck.
“Where’s Mom and Dad?” I ask.
“They went for a walk too,” Grandma says.
Grandpa frowns.
“Oh. Okay.” I’m not sure what’s going on with them, but I’m sure as hell not going to be crazy enough to think they could get back together.
“I’ll just go finish packing,” Molly says. “I’m almost ready to go.”
She disappears into the cottage, and I sit with my grandparents.
“She’s a lovely girl,” Grandma says.
“Yeah.”
I feel the unspoken questions weighing heavy in the air. How can I answer them? She’s a friend. A sweet, funny, smart, caring friend who gives unbelievable blow jobs and fucks like a dream. But she’s off-limits. She’s a teammate’s ex.
The crunch of footsteps on the gravel driveway has our heads turning and we see Mom and Dad rounding the corner of the cottage. They both wear an expression on their face that I can’t read, but it’s…something. I wouldn’t say anger, but there’s a definite tension.
Mom smiles. “Well. Just about time to go, I guess. Jax, come help me with my suitcase.”
I’m pretty sure Mom doesn’t need help with her suitcase, but I follow her into the cottage just as Molly pulls her bag out of the bedroom. “I’m all set!” she says with phony cheeriness.
“Okay, we’ll head out in a few minutes,” Mom says.
In her bedroom, she waits until she hears the sliding doors onto the deck close, meaning we’re alone in the cottage.
“Your dad says you two had a good talk in California.”
“Oh. Uh. Yeah.”
She holds my gaze steadily. “You thought Dad cheated on me?”
“Yeah.”
“Why did you think that?”
“I overheard you talking to Betsy once. You said you felt betrayed.”
She closes her eyes, nodding slowly. “I did feel betrayed. But not because he cheated on me with another woman. I felt betrayed that our marriage didn’t turn out like I expected. I felt betrayed by the fact that he was always working. Traveling. Never around to deal with family stuff. His career took precedence and mine got put on hold. That was why I felt that way.”
I swallow.
“Why didn’t you ever say anything, Jax?”
“You didn’t talk about what happened. And I didn’t want to bring up something that would upset you.”
“All these years, you believed that, though.” She closes her eyes, the corners of her mouth turning down. “I’m so sorry, Jackson. We didn’t want to burden you and Riley with our problems. But maybe we should have said more.” She sighs and opens her eyes. “I’m glad that you two talked.”
“Molly made me do it,” I say jokingly.
Mom has the best poker face. Her expression doesn’t change, but her gaze fastens on my face in that penetrating way she has. “Oh, did she?” She pauses. “Is everything okay? With you and Molly?”
“Oh yeah. Of course.” I’m lying. I should end it there, but stupidly I ask, “Why?”
“You both seem sad. Are you sure she wants to come back with us?”
“Yeah.” I clear my throat. “She needs to get back to Chicago. She, uh…well, she was engaged to one of my teammates.”
Mom’s not surprised. “I heard.”
I gnaw briefly on my bottom lip. “That’s why she’s here. She found out he was cheating on her. She needed to get out of town.”
“That poor girl. That’s terrible.”
“Yeah. It was pretty hard on her. I, uh, think this summer away’s been good for her though.”
Now Mom’s eyebrows lift. “Jax.” She stops.
“What?”
“I know she was just engaged to someone else, but…I think she has feelings for you.”
My lips push out and my forehead tightens. “What?”
Mom touches her fingertips to her lips. “She’s crazy about you, Jax.”
“No.” I give my head a violent shake. “No, she’s not.”
“Oh, dear.” Mom sighs. “And what about you?”
“What about me?”
“Do you have feelings for her?”
I scoff. “No. Of course not. I mean, I like her, obviously, but that’s it. I don’t get involved with women.”
“I know that.” She waits, but I don’t say anything more. She shakes her head. “I wish you’d talk to me more.”
“I talk!”
“I mean talk about real things. About how you’re feeling. You mentioned your contract and I get the feeling you’re worried about that, but you just brush it off. And now clearly you’re unhappy about Molly leaving, but you won’t admit it.”
I roll my eyes. “I’m fine, Mom.”
Sometimes it sucks having a mother who’s a psychologist.
“Look at all the years wasted between you and your father because you kept everything locked up inside you.”
I’m not sure what to say to that.
“Is the reason you don’t get seriously involved with women because of what happened with Dad and me?”
I don’t want to blame her for it, so I just shrug. “Maybe. Whatever. I see lots of guys getting married, getting divorced. Cheating.” I’m thinking of Steve. “It’s better not to go there.”
“It’s not as if men are programmed to cheat,” she says. “There are men who are faithful.”
“Yeah, I guess.”
She sucks in a breath. “Clearly I shouldn’t have waited until we’re leaving to have this conversation.” She pauses. “But you probably wouldn’t say much more anyway. Come here.” She pulls me in for a hug. “I love you. Maybe you should talk to someone else about what’s going on with you.”
“Like a shrink? Jeez, Mom.”
“It can’t hurt. I’ll get some names for you.”
“Oh my God.”
“It’s not a weakness, Jax. You should know that.”
“I’m fine, Mom.” I give her a reassuring squeeze.
“Okay, if you say so.”
We return to the living room, and we all head outside to exchange hugs and goodbyes next to the car. Their bags are already loaded into the trunk. Molly’s wearing the brightest smile, laughing at everything, so animated I know it’s totally fake.
It has to be this way.
When it’s my turn to hug her, I try to keep it casual, but man, it’s impossible. I want to kiss her again and again. Feeling her curves against me, I want to squeeze her tight and never let her go.
But I can’t do that.
Dad’s staying a couple more days after everyone else leaves.
“It’s been a long time since I was here,” he says over barbecued hamburgers that night. “This place hasn’t changed at all.”
“I know. I don’t think Grandma and Grandpa get up here much anymore. Actually, I’m thinking of buying it from them.”
“What? Really?”
“Yeah. They been talking about selling for a few years, but they don’t want to give it up. Cottages are hard to come by here.”
“True. It would be a shame to lose it.”
“I’ve been coming here every summer the last few years. I like how quiet it is. I can hike and take pictures and sometimes some of my buddies come for a week or two. So I’d hate to lose it. I think I can afford it, but I’m kind of waiting on my contract. Probably not a good idea to spend a few hundred grand on something until that’s settled.”
“Yeah, that’s smart.”
“Then I could put a bit of money into updating things. Maybe new furniture. I bought the barbecue last summer.” I nod at the stainless steel beauty I picked up in Brandon and put to
gether up here. “And the year before that, new appliances. They never had a dishwasher.”
“It would be a good investment. Properties here keep going up in value. Even if you get married and have kids and settle somewhere else, you’d easily be able to sell it.”
“I’m not getting married and having kids,” I remind him wryly.
“What about Molly?”
I grit my teeth and drop my gaze to my plate. “We’re friends. That’s it.”
After a beat, Dad says, “You’re so full of shit, the toilet’s jealous.”
My mouth drops open. I laugh, then frown.
He grins.
“You and Mom apparently had a good talk about me.”
“Yeah, actually, we did. Parents do that. What’s going on with you and Molly?”
“Why is everyone all up in my business?” I set down my burger and reach for my beer. “Jesus, this entire family keeps asking me ‘what about Molly.’ I keep telling everyone, we’re just friends. So just drop it, okay?” I take a big swig of lager.
Dad blinks in surprise, then gives a terse nod. “Sure. Okay.”
We eat in heavy silence for a few minutes, and I take a few deep breaths. Then I change the subject and ask Dad about his coaching plans for the coming season.
After dinner, I wander down to the dock on my own. I sit and dip my feet into the water. My chest feels hollow and my body weary.
I can’t believe how bummed I am that Molly’s gone. It’s ridiculous. We agreed that this was going to end. We both know why. I don’t even believe in love. So I don’t get why I feel like my right arm has been hacked off?
I close my eyes. Whatever these feelings are, this is all for the best. Even if it is love, I know it’s only temporary. Marriage is for suckers. Long-term relationships don’t really exist.
I’ve seen it with my own parents, not to mention friends and teammates. Relationships are hard enough, never mind in the hockey world where you’re on the road half the season and women are always hanging around and your career has to come first.
With Molly, I kept having weird visions, though. Glimpses of being with her in the future, years down the road, being faithful to her and worshiping her and cherishing her like she deserves. Her trusting me. I can’t believe how much those images made me want that…with a deep, almost painful hunger.
Game Changer Page 19