Except I don’t believe I’m capable of those things.
Molly
I held it together during the drive from the lake to Winnipeg. I kept the smile in place as I hugged Mr. and Mrs. Thompson and Tori goodbye and thanked them for letting me stay at the cottage and waved to them as they pulled away from the hotel. I booked a room here because it’s close to the airport and they have a shuttle that will take me there for my flight in the morning.
I trudge through the lobby, my smile gone, my energy dissipated. Wow, that was exhausting. I just want to check in and hole up in my room alone.
Soon I am doing just that. I change into a pair of shorts and a T-shirt. I lie back on the bed with the room service menu to peruse options. Not that I’m hungry.
I end up ordering a sandwich. While I wait, I turn on the TV and flick through various channels. Nothing catches my interest. I end up leaving it on a food channel and let myself slide into a crater of depression.
I already miss Jax.
My heart aches, the throb echoing in my head.
I can’t be like this. It’ll be fine. After being with him basically twenty-four seven for the past six weeks, of course I miss him. But when I get back to Chicago and back to my normal life, I’ll forget him.
Whatever my normal life is now. I still have things to do. I have to get the rest of my belongings from Steve’s condo and move them back to my apartment. Soon it will be time to get back into the classroom and prepare for the new school year. I always look forward to that, especially going shopping for supplies and cute things to decorate the classroom with.
I’ll be fine once I’m home.
21
Molly
I’ve moved back into my apartment. My parents helped out with the move and also bought me a new couch because my old one was atrocious and I trashed it when I moved in with Steve. I’ve picked up more stuff from Steve’s place and made a few trips to IKEA for things, and I’m happy with how it all looks.
I messaged Steve and told him we can talk when he gets back to town. I haven’t heard from him since the trip to Europe, so I guess he’s accepted that we’re done, after the flurry of frantic and pissed-off messages and voice mails. I’ve come across a few Instagram posts from his trip home, but he’s not on social media much.
Now he’s back and we’re going to meet for lunch.
I was so angry at him when I found out he was cheating. I was heartbroken. I was also dreading talking to him because I knew it was going to hurt. Now…eh. We have to do it, but I’m so far past it at this point, I barely care.
I do question how much I really loved him, if I got over him that quickly. Maybe it was for the best that I found out he was cheating. Especially that I found out before the wedding. I found a meme on Instagram that says not all storms come to disrupt your life; some come to clear your path. So I’m staying positive and considering this event to be a good thing in my life.
I don’t know what my future will be, but I know I’ll be okay. Even if I am really sad that spending so much time with an amazing man and coming to care for him all happened with the wrong guy at the wrong time. If only Jax didn’t play hockey with Steve. If only I hadn’t just jilted my fiancé. Because I’ve come to realize that Jax was my rebound. Brielle was right—the first guy I care about after my engagement ended is not going to be my next long-term relationship. It just doesn’t work like that.
I walk into the Good Egg, a little diner not too far from my apartment in Andersonville. They serve breakfast and lunch.
Steve is already there, seated in a booth along the wall.
Regret settles in my stomach like a lump. This is all so sad.
I make my way over. It’s awkward. He stands. Neither of us know whether to shake hands or hug or punch each other. So I slide into the booth opposite him without doing any of those.
“You look great,” Steve says, taking his seat again. “All tanned and relaxed.”
“You sound surprised. Did you think I was pining away for you?”
His face flushes. “No.”
I sigh. “I don’t know where to start.”
“Neither do I.” He picks up his mug of coffee. “This is fucking weird.”
“I know.”
A waitress arrives with a pot of coffee. I nod and she fills my cup then asks if we’re ready to order. I glance quickly at the menu. I’ve been here before, and I love their eggs bennie—the one with smoked salmon and avocado. So I order that. Steve gets a chicken Santa Fe wrap.
I pull the small box out of my purse and push it across the table to him. “Here’s your ring back.”
He stares at it. “I don’t want it back.”
“Take it. You paid for it.”
He shakes his head and the box sits untouched between us.
“I don’t want it, Steve,” I say quietly. “I don’t even want the money I could get if I sold it. I know there are some wedding things you can’t get your money back on and I can’t afford to pay you back for all of them, but you can use that to pay for some.”
He sighs and pockets it.
“Katelyn says all the wedding gifts were returned.”
“I guess.”
He doesn’t even care.
I curl my hands around my coffee cup and meet his eyes. “Why? Why did you do that?”
“I don’t know.” He shoves a hand into his blond hair and looks away. “I really don’t know.”
“The things you said about me…to that woman…that really hurt.”
“I’m sorry.” He meets my eyes, and I see genuine remorse there.
I swallow. “Well, thanks for that.” I pause. “Was she the only woman you cheated on me with?” I watch his response.
“Yes.”
“Really? Because Brielle said you came onto her once.”
His eyes widen. “What? I did not.”
I tilt my head. Hold his gaze. Say nothing.
“I might have flirted a little,” he says. “But it didn’t mean anything.”
I nod sadly. “And Claire? Who is she? Are you still together?”
His lips tighten and his throat works. “Yeah.”
I nod again. I guess I’m not surprised. It hurts. But not as much as I might have thought. “What were you thinking?” I shake my head. “We were getting married. What were you thinking?”
“I wasn’t thinking, okay?” He rolls his eyes. “I don’t know. I guess I was freaking out about getting married or something.”
“Oh my God.” I pull in a long breath through my nose. “Do you love her?”
He lifts one shoulder. “I don’t know.”
Poor Claire.
“Did you take her to Europe?”
“Wait. Where the hell were you all summer? Where did you disappear to?”
“That’s not an answer.” Damn deflection. Nice try, though.
“Fine, yeah, I did. Why not? You were gone and clearly didn’t want to go. I paid for the trip.”
It makes me so, so sad that I wanted to marry this man. He’s not a bad man…okay, cheating isn’t exactly honorable, but he’s not mean or abusive. But he’s not…
He’s not Jax.
I bow my head briefly.
“Was it her who sent me those screen shots?” I ask. “I’ve been wondering.”
He shifts in his chair. “I asked her and she said it wasn’t.”
“Who else could it have been?”
“I don’t know.” He looks away. “I changed the password on my phone.”
I narrow my eyes at him. “If she did that…” I stop. “Whatever. It’s your problem.”
“So where were you hiding out?” he asks, changing the subject. “I know you weren’t with Grace or your other friends.”
“No. It doesn’t matter who I was with or where I was. I just wanted to get away from Chicago for a while.”
Our lunches arrive and we stop talking for a few minutes.
Waiting for the waitress to refill our cups and leave, I pick
up my knife and fork. When she’s gone, I ask, “Why wasn’t I enough for you?”
I hate asking this. It’s the question I asked myself over and over again since the day I found out he cheated on me. I hate sounding so pathetic, but I still want to know.
He shakes his head. “Molly.”
“No, really. I want to know.”
“It’s not that. Look, I haven’t been in that many relationships. I didn’t think it was that big a deal.”
I blink. I still haven’t cut into my eggs bennie. “What? Not that big a deal? Cheating?”
“You went out with other guys all the time.”
My eyes fly open and my fork clatters to the table. “What? I did not!”
“Well, you went out with Jax. All those trivia nights. You’re saying nothing ever happened between you two? Or other guys you met?”
My jaw hangs loosely. “Are you kidding me?”
He waits.
“Nothing ever happened! I never cheated on you. That’s crazy. Why would you think that?”
“I don’t know.” He shrugs and doesn’t meet my eyes. “Like I said, I kind of thought maybe fidelity was…flexible.”
“Oh my God.” I didn’t think it was a problem going out with a friend; I certainly didn’t believe that fidelity was flexible. I’m trying to understand, but it’s hard for me. Cheating is a hard limit for me. Isn’t it for most people? Maybe not. “You should have told me,” I whisper. “If only you’d told me.”
“Yeah. I guess I should have. I don’t think I’m, uh, mature enough for marriage.”
Clearly not.
“I’ve been thinking about it a lot. I still don’t understand why I did it. I wanted something…” He pauses. “I don’t even know what I wanted. But it wasn’t about you, Molly.” His tone is softer. “I don’t want you to think that. It was never about you. It was me, going through some stuff, looking for something.”
Huh. I appreciate him saying it. But the thing is…I already know that. I figured it out for myself, maybe sometime while I was lying around the pool in California, or while I was pretending that everything was fine while I raged inside. Or while Jax was looking at me like I was precious, laughing at my jokes, and taking care of me like I mattered. This whole experience may have kicked my confidence in the teeth, but in the end…I’m okay. I’m really okay.
“I wish you’d talked to me.” I try to eat some of my lunch, but once again I’ve lost my appetite.
“I’m sorry.”
“You were pissed about the wedding.”
He frowns. “Yeah. Jesus, Molly. That was humiliating.”
“You deserved it,” I say calmly.
He makes a rough noise and I don’t know if he’s disgusted or agreeing with me. Or both.
I ask how his parents are doing. We talk about what he did at home, and how he’s been skating with some of the guys who are back in town.
“Who’s here?” I ask casually.
“Well, Duper and Army, of course. Jax, Bomber, Benny.”
I nod. I feel a piercing little pain in my heart. Jax is in town. I haven’t heard from him since I left the lake. Even though I texted him when I was back in Chicago to let him know I made it safe and sound.
Steve insists on paying for lunch. Maybe he has a guilty conscience. Even though he thought fidelity was “flexible.” Jesus.
We part outside the diner on the sidewalk. It’s a sultry mid-August day, overcast, hot and windy. I eye Steve uncertainly. “Well. Thanks for lunch.”
“You’re welcome. Molly.” He opens his arms for a hug.
I move into them. It feels…okay. Like hugging a friend. I don’t get that close, and then I step back. “Bye.”
His mouth tips down at the corners. “I really blew it with you.”
“I don’t think it was meant to be. For us.”
“No?” He eyes me, then nods. “Maybe so.”
Well, it would have been gratifying if he’d been all broken up and fell down on his knees and groveled for me to take him back. But I guess it’s good that we’re on the same page and again, another sign that things worked out for the best.
I watch him walk away, that big frame and long-legged stride so familiar to me. My bottom lip pushes out as emotion engulfs me. But it’s not because I want him back. It’s just because it’s sad that we were once so happy together, and now we’re not.
But I wouldn’t be happier with him.
I walk along the sidewalk and around the corner onto West Argyle where I parked my car.
Weirdly, now I miss Jax more than ever. I’ve been trying so hard not to think about him. But that’s impossible. It’s only been a few weeks, though. I keep telling myself that I’ll get over him, that he was just my rebound. I just have to keep going.
The girls and I are going out for dinner and drinks tonight. I spent the day at school, setting up my classroom. Now I’m home, getting ready to go out. I’m happy to see my friends, but unexcited about going out.
I twirl a few waves into my hair and mess it up, and decide to go all out on the makeup—smoky eyeshadow, lots of mascara, and bright lip gloss. I dress in a new jumpsuit I just bought—black, off-the-shoulder, fitted bodice and loose pants. Then I take the train to Michigan Avenue. We’re meeting at Aster, a rooftop bar near the Riverwalk. As I walk from the train station to the restaurant, I’m acutely aware that I’m only a few blocks from Jax’s place. I have the crazy thought of skipping dinner and dropping in on him.
Ha.
I imagine arriving there and finding him entertaining another woman.
Bleh. A small sharp knife twists in my heart.
I know Jax. I know he likes to date lots of women. I have to accept that.
I take the elevator up to the roof of the building to get to Aster. I’m the first one there, so I let the hostess seat me outside at the table for four. I’ve never been here, and it’s gorgeous—I’m at a table with a couch and two chairs loaded with cushions. A huge lamp sits next to us for when it gets dark. Chicago architecture towers all around us, the views unobstructed by glass walls. Big tubs hold plenty of colorful flowers.
I study the cocktail menu while I wait for my friends. They have drinks that come as a single glass or in a decanter, so I go crazy and order a decanter of a wild concoction of tequila and things I’ve never heard of. And grapefruit. I hope it’s good.
Grace arrives and I jump up to greet her with hugs, then repeat the process when Brielle shows up. The waiter brings us the pitcher of cocktails and the girls are all impressed as immediately drinks are poured for them.
“So, how did it go?” Grace give me big curious eyes.
“With Steve?”
“No, with the mailman.” She rolls her eyes.
I laugh. “It went okay. He’s calmed down.”
“Pfffft. Like he had a right to be angry.” Grace tosses her mass of spirally black hair.
“I suppose. I feel a little guilty for handling it the way I did.”
“You should not,” Brielle says firmly. “You were betrayed. You can handle it however you want.”
“Well, I’m glad you didn’t take a baseball bat to his Jag,” Grace says.
“Ha ha! You could’ve sold his Jag on eBay!” Brielle says. “That would have been hilarious!”
“Or replace his shampoo with Nair,” Grace adds.
“These are amazing ideas,” I say calmly, taking a sip of my drink. “Is it too late for them?”
“No!”
“I’m kidding.” I smile. “I don’t even care anymore.”
“Really?” Grace studies my face. “You’re okay?”
“I really am.” One corner of my mouth kicks up. “About Steve, anyway.”
“Oh no.” Grace pouts. “Are you still missing Jax?”
I sigh. “Yeah. Seeing Steve weirdly just made me miss him even more.”
Sympathetic silence falls over us for a few minutes. Then Brielle says, “Have you talked to him?”
“Jax? No.”<
br />
“Maybe you should.”
I shake my head. “We agreed things would end when we came back to Chicago. He doesn’t do relationships.” I smile glumly. “And neither do I, anymore.”
“Well, I think you should start dating,” Brielle says. “Get yourself back out there.”
“Ugh.”
“Download those dating apps again,” Brielle says.
“I thought I was done with those,” I say with a sigh.
“Come on. Let’s get Tinder on your phone. Hand it over.”
“I can do it.”
“Do it now.”
I laugh at Brielle’s pushiness. “Fine.” I pull my phone out and download the app.
“Okay, let’s look at some options. Start swiping, girl,” Brielle says.
They peer over my shoulder as I scroll through profiles, half-heartedly swiping right on a few of them. Probably nothing will come of it; I’m not exactly the type of sexy babe men go crazy over.
But maybe this is the answer. Meet new men. Have some fun. That will get Jax out of my system.
“Why are you so sure it’s a rebound relationship?” Brielle asks about Jax.
“You said it would be! The first relationship after a breakup is a rebound.”
“I said that? Huh.” She frowns. “Well, I mean, chances are good it’s a rebound, but it doesn’t have to be. I was just reading about this the other day.”
“Rebound relationships?” I lift my eyebrows.
“It was an advice column. The guy was asking if he’s a ‘rebound.’ The advice columnist told him…wait, let me pull it up.” She swipes her own phone to find the column. “It’s a rebound if she’s still bitter about her ex. If she wants to make him jealous. If she’s fixated on her ex in general. If she’s totally in love with you for no reason. If you have lots of sex.”
I grin. “Well, that’s the only one that applies.”
“I’m jealous,” Brielle says. “Jax is so freakin’ hot.”
“Okay, I’m definitely not fixated on Steve. I don’t even care anymore. And I don’t care about Jax for no reason. I always liked him, and I got to know him better and he’s such a great guy. Just a little…repressed.”
Game Changer Page 20