Wrestling With God

by Hanley, Don;

  Governor Adams introduced himself and helped his image by standing and shaking hands with each of them. He then introduced Broderick and Gifford. Adams asked them to tell our guests what they thought of the program we were involved in. They were not as articulate as the team members but they all explained that they felt respected as human beings now and that they felt far more hope for living more productive lives than they ever felt before. They gave Jack Carroll the most praise and he deserved it, of course. They all were especially appreciative of having the presence of the two courageous, intelligent and very kind women on our team. Jake, noticing that I had been left out, said, "And Jerry Haloran is the real brains of this outfit. He is so well organized that he never has to yell or raise his voice to get things done. He is as tough as the drill instructor I had in the Marines but he does it with quiet calm and kindness. He is a great role model for all of us."

  Broderick asked Jake, "Do you think that Mr. Haloran reflects Jesus?"

  Jake stroked his chin and said, "You know, man, I've really thought of that. Yeah, I think he does reflect Jesus—if your Jesus is anything like my Jesus. My image of Jesus is a tough guy who is gentle and kind but don't take no shit off anybody. Yeah, man, like they say in tha hood, 'He's da man! '" I clapped and J.J., Jack, and Sonia joined me. I could feel myself blushing. I reached over and shook Jake's hand.

  Maria Gifford chuckled and asked Jesus Gomez, "Jesus, I just have to ask you if this program helps you to live up to your namesake?"

  "You mean, do I now act more like Jesus, the guy in the New Testament. If you mean a Jesus like Jake, here, talked about, yeah, I think I am getting more like that. If you mean the blue-eyed blond Jesus that my grandmother had hanging in her dining room, then, no. I still have brown eyes." Everyone laughed except Sam Broderick.

  Jesus went on, "Ya know, I was a really pretty good kid and followed the Bible and Jesus pretty well until I got to high school. Then I got into drugs and that was the end of my being a good guy. I started stealing to buy the drugs. I can't blame anybody but myself, but after spending time with Jack Carroll and these guys and gals, I think I can stay clean and sober when I get out. I'm thinking I'll become a teacher in high school. I'm already taking my second college course, so I'm hopin'. I read that the country of Portugal has decriminalized all drugs and their number of addicts has gone down and the number of prisoners who return to prison has gone down too. I sure do wish we had that kind of system here in the U.S. Uh, Ms. Gifford, does that answer your question?"

  "Yes, Jesus, it does. Thank you very much. Now, I don't know about you, Sam, but I really think that Reverend Avery Winston was mistaken about this program, don't you?"

  "I would like to hear from the guard, Kenneth Clark. Mr. Clark, please tell us your evaluation of Mr. Haloran's program." Sam wasn't ready to give his full endorsement yet.

  Kenny took a deep breath and exhaled, "Well, sir, I've been working here at the prison for six years and I was thinking of quitting when Haloran and his team showed up. I volunteered to be one of six guards from our cell block to join the program and I'm sure glad I did. Man, this has really been helpful. Even my wife tells me that I'm becoming a better human being. I'm even being better with my kids. Got two of 'em, a boy and girl. I'm now looking forward to coming to work. Yep, I appreciate what these people are doing, yesiree."

  Sam straightened up in his chair. "Well, folks, I'm now puzzled that the Reverend was so worried. I'm really impressed and I'll tell him so. Thank ya'll for inviting us and talking with us." The congresswoman stood and began shaking hands all around. Warden Bonhoeffer and the governor did likewise. I thanked them for coming to visit us.

  After they all left, I exhaled loudly and Sonia said, "Don't tell me, Jerry, that you were nervous all this time?"

  Jack added, "Hey, you sure looked so cool, calm, and collected the whole damn time."

  I chuckled, "I was nervous as hell the whole damn time. I'm kinda like a duck ... calm on the surface but paddling like mad underneath."

  I thanked them all for their wonderfully articulated words. J.J. said, "We were just putting on an act to impress the folks."

  "Another thing I like about our group is our sense of humor." I changed the subject and introduced the idea of making our team a consulting organization and a non-profit corporation so we can make contracts with the other prisons. They all agreed, and Dan and J.J. almost simultaneously nominated me as CEO. J.J. was already taking notes and I nominated her as secretary. I said, "And our next unofficial meeting that is scheduled is Jack and J.J.'s, and Dan and Ruth's, weddings at our home in September. I think we'll need an official meeting before then and I encourage you all to think of supportive people to be on our board of directors as a corporation.

  The entire team, all but Dan who was still employed at the prison, climbed into the Prius and headed to St. Louis. On the way, we congratulated one another for having done a helluva good job—all year.

  Chapter 39

  REBECCA

  Because it can rain anytime in St. Louis, we rented one of those huge tents for the event. At the moment we didn't need it as it was a beautiful October Saturday. The end of the tent was open and the leaves of all the trees were in their fall-beautiful red, orange, and yellow best. The scene was so fantastic we really didn't need the many flowers surrounding the altar sitting in front of the camouflaged basketball net.

  April was getting fidgety as we waited in back for the procession to begin. Of course, I was very proud of my nearly four-year-old ring bearer who would follow the flower girl, J.J.'s daughter Halle, as they would make their way to the altar. A friend ofJ.J.'s played the keyboard and would play the wedding march—a piece I always thought was too solemn and even sad.

  Father Wayne Cameron decked out in a rainbow-colored chasuble and stole walked out to the front of the altar and the four best men joined him. Dan McGuire had chosen Henry Bonhoeffer as best man, along with a long-time friend and replacement as assistant warden, Nathan Walsh. Jerry was pleased that Jack Carroll had chosen him as best man and would be accompanied by Sonia's partner, Xavier Torres. All four wore bright blue tuxedos. Jerry said it was his first time wearing one. Both grooms wanted a more informal wedding but both Ruth and J.J. wanted a traditional wedding. Jerry said both men were wise enough to agree with the brides.

  The five men turned and faced the crowd, the ladies, waiting in back, smiled. I whispered to Halle to begin the march. I had told April to follow Halle and stay about four paces behind her and make sure she didn't lose the rings and not let anyone take them until she got to the altar. J.J.'s friend began playing the Wedding March. Halle and April, of course, were adorably decked out in white with crowns of tiny roses on their heads. Halle began delicately throwing rose petals to her left and her right.

  Sonia, the maid of honor, followed April and then Jennifer, J.J.'s younger sister and bridesmaid. Next was Dan's daughter Eileen and her partner, Jan, Ruth's daughter. J.J.'s bridesmaids were breathtakingly decked out in lavender gowns, and Ruth's attendants in equally gorgeous light rose-colored gowns. The procession had advanced about a dozen steps, when I heard a light roar and everyone in the back of the audience began to laugh. I gawked back and couldn't figure out what they were laughing at. Then I saw April stop, make a grimace, and solemnly let out a 'grrrrrroar' sound and again laughter. The bridesmaids worked hard to keep simple smiles on their faces. April did this three more times before she reached me. She dutifully marched up to the center of the gathering in front of Father Wayne and lifted the pillow with the rings. Each best man reached down and took their rings and April turned around and marched back to where I was standing with Julie. I whispered, "April, honey, why did you make the roars?"

  She proudly smiled and whispered back, "Because I'm the ring bear." It was my turn to struggle not to fall down laughing. So the wedding march wasn't so solemn and sad, after all.

  Father Wayne blessed the couples and then began the Catholic Mass. After reading a biblical passage o
n love, Jerry read a passage from Fromm's The Art of Loving, chosen by Jack. Henry read a passage from Gibran's The Prophet.

  Father Wayne then proceeded to witness the wedding vows—first Ruth and Dan, for as Ruth had said, "Age before beauty." And Dan had corrected her, "No, grace and wisdom before youth." The couple turned and faced each other. Dan began, he held a copy of his vow's in case he nervously forgot, and spoke loud enough so everyone could hear: "Ruth, you have come into my life, and made me very happy. Far happier than I ever hoped to be these past few years. I want to marry you so that I may continue this happiness for the rest of our lives."

  Ruth, with tears in her eyes and holding her paper along with a small corsage of roses, began, "Dan, I, too, have been very happy ever since the day before Christmas, when I saw your reunion with your daughter. I said to myself, here is a man who feels and has a big heart. I want to continue to experience those feelings and that heart." She reached out and touched his chest. "Dan, will you marry me? I say, I do, so ..."

  Dan said, "I do."

  Father Wayne turned to Dan and said, "You may kiss the bride." Father Wayne didn't get a chance to say anything to Ruth. They kissed briefly but passionately, and everyone applauded.

  Father Wayne stepped over to Jack and J.J. and they turned to face each other. This time, J.J. began. "I have been looking for the right man to love for a long time and I had almost given up, when you came into my life. I said to myself, 'I want this wonderful warm-hearted man in my life.' Now, I want you in my life forever. Will you marry me?" She smiled and let the tears flow.

  Jack cleared his throat, "I will and I do say 'yes'. Now, and wow, these past few months have been the most gifted months in my life. Teilhard says that when we all learn to love, we will have discovered fire for the second time. I can't wait, I have already discovered fire in my love for you. I want to marry you!"

  "You may kiss each other." Father Wayne was grinning and the pair kissed very passionately and long enough for the clapping to continue for quite a bit longer.

  Father Wayne continued with the Mass, and at Communion time he announced that he hoped everyone present would join him and the newly married couples and their entourage in taking Communion. "Communion means what it says—to celebrate our union of love and compassion with one another." J.J.'s sister played and beautifully sang Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah."

  After the Mass, the catering staff smoothly transformed the tent-pavilion into a nearly-elegant dining palace. The altar, with additional tables, became the head table. As the mother of the ring bear, April, Julie, and I were invited to sit up front as were the other family members of the wedding party. I enjoyed meeting J.J.'s family. Her grandmother was a riot. Sitting next to me, she exclaimed, "Never in my life did I think I'd be related to a cracker family." She looked down her nose at me, and added, "But I'll bet money on the idea that you folks will be saved and we'll meet in heaven." She ended with a delightful cackle.

  I responded, "I certainly hope so. I learned, only recently, that God opened the Pearly Gates to colored folks." I couldn't match the volume of her laughter, but I tried. Grandma slapped my hand.

  The waiters served passable chicken and/or vegetarian dinners, and it was time for toasts and, I hoped, short speeches. As co-host, Jerry began. "Thank all of you for joining Rebecca, Julie, April and me at this marvelous occasion. Last year, when Rebecca and I met Jack Carroll at the Booneville State Hilton, we had no idea that we would have such an adventurous year. It was far more delightful, dangerous, educational, romantic, spiritual, jaw-dropping, and almost any other adjective you could add on. Most of the time, I was happy to be on this journey, like when I had the pleasure of meeting Henry Bonhoeffer, and today, his lovely wife. I'm glad that I insisted on having two extremely gifted women to help us on this project. Thank you, J.J. and Sonia. And I couldn't have ever guessed that J.J. and Jack would fall in love and be married right here in our backyard. And thank you, Father Wayne Cameron, my friend since we were freshmen in college, for coming to St. Louis to preside over this great occasion. So let us all make a toast to Jack and J.J., and Dan and Ruth." He ended by introducing the other best man, Henry Bonhoeffer. He handed Henry the mike.

  Henry stood and rushed around the table and gave me a kiss on the cheek. Back at the table, he began, "I definitely needed to thank you, Rebecca, for going way beyond the call of duty this year, and besides writing all the great articles explaining our programs to the world, the Missouri governor and legislature, and conservative ministers, you have kept our hard-working and enlightened coordinator on an even keel. I am so glad that I have taken on the role of co-cupid with you and Jerry and guiding Jack and J.J. into a glorious route to marriage." He gestured toward each of them and everyone clapped.

  Then, nodding at J.J., he continued. "I feel very gifted in getting to know you, J.J., this year. And Jack, you have gifted me with knowledge and inspiration ever since I arrived at Booneville. You and Dan have inspired me every step of the way and I'm very proud to be here celebrating with you. And Ruth, I honestly believe that you have found a wonderful partner in life. I know that you and Dan, as well as Jack and J.J., will have wonderful lives together. And thank all of you for joining us today. Let us have another toast for our newlyweds."

  Dan's friend, Nathan Walsh, gave a brief thank you and congratulations, followed by Ruth's daughter Jan. Eileen, Dan's daughter, made a tearful speech thanking Jerry and me as well as everyone for helping her find her father, Dan. Sonia and Xavier gifted us with simple but heart-felt thank yous and congratulations to the newlyweds.

  While all the toasts were being given, the sun was going down over the horizon and a five piece band was setting up under the basketball net. Dan first asked his daughter, Eileen, for a dance. Jack asked me and whispered, "Thank you, Rebecca, and I hope you won't mind that I now consider you my closest living relative."

  "Jack, I consider that a great honor, thank you. I'm glad I visited you in Booneville nearly a year ago."

  "Yes! Wow!"

  The two couples left on their honeymoons around 9:30 p.m. and the crowd began to disperse. When all were gone and April and Julie were in bed, Jerry and I sprawled out in the living room. Jerry said, "Wow, what a day."

  I added, "And what a year. Hon, would you mind getting me a glass of milk? Please?"

  "Milk? I noticed you didn't drink even a sip of wine all day. Are you feeling sick?"

  "No, I'm not sick, but I do have a bit of news for you." I did my best to have a dramatic pause and loving smile, "Jer, I'm pregnant."

  First he looked puzzled, then smiled, then danced around the room singing, "And life gets more exciting with each passing day, and love is either in your heart or on its way. Don't you know, that it's worth every penny on earth to be young at heart?" A glass of milk coming up! He danced out of the room.

  I exhaled loudly, "Yep, what a year."

  Thank you for reading my book!

  Dear Reader,

  I hope you enjoyed Wrestling with God.

  As an author, I love getting feedback. I would love to hear what your favorite part of the story was, and what you liked or disliked, please share your thoughts with me. You can write me at df_hanley1933@yahoo.com.

  Also, I'd like to ask a favor. If you are so inclined, I'd love a review of Wrestling with God on Amazon and Goodreads. You, the reader, have the power to influence other readers to share your journey with a book you've read. In fact, most readers pick their next book because of a review or on the advice of a friend. So, please share! You can find all of my books on my Amazon author page here: http://bit.ly/DonHanley.

  If you have not read Love by its First Name, I highly encourage you to do so! It tells how the the story of Wrestling with God began.

  Thank you so much for reading Wrestling with God and thanks for spending time with me and these amazing characters.

  Best regards,

  Don Hanley

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

  Don Hanley has lived a very f
ull 85 years in the western United States. He is a 'child of the depression', born in Nebraska, and now living in California. He began his working life at age 11, in a lumber yard in South Dakota and later in Kansas. He entered the seminary to study to be a Catholic priest and was ordained in l964. He later left the priesthood to marry. He earned several degrees, ending in a degree in Psychology. As a psychotherapist, graduate school professor, and counseling supervisor, he limited his writing to professional articles and booklets, such How To Live With Yourself And Enjoy It, followed by How To Live With Your Partner And Enjoy It.. .and, How To Live With Your Children And Enjoy It. While a counseling supervisor, he wrote two novels, Love By Its First Name, this book, Wrestling With God, and is currently working on A Brave New Compassionate World.