“I’m willing to risk being arrested for you.”
“Prison would be worse than marrying mei schweschder, ain’t so? There are really bad men in those prisons. At least you’d be safe here. And you’d likely be in prison longer than Leah will be alive. Besides, you could not be Amish in jail. They would turn you into an Englischer and you would learn the ways of the world.”
He sighed, no doubt relinquishing the idea as she had.
She bowed her head. “Jacob, I…I need to tell you something.”
“What? What is it?” He must’ve sensed her seriousness.
“My father told me something I never knew.” She inhaled deeply, willing her tears to stay hidden. She’d already cried so much and she was exhausted. But she couldn’t help it. Sometimes she wished she could be one of those people who didn’t let anything faze them. But that wasn’t her. She couldn’t deny that the pain of this situation ran deep. She couldn’t imagine it away even if she wanted to. “I was in an accident at a very young age. The doctors made surgery. Jacob, I…I cannot have kinner.”
“What?” His mouth fell open. She read the disappointment in his eyes and she hated it.
“I’m sorry.” Rachel shrugged. “So you see, maybe it’s best that you marry mei schweschder.” She barely squeaked the words out before the dam broke.
Jacob pulled her into his arms and smoothed her hair at the nape of her neck. “Shh…ach, it’s okay, Rachel. You should know by now that nothing can make me love you less. Do you hear me?”
“Jah, I hear you. But it is not easy to believe.”
“Ach, your worth is not based on whether you are able to have kinner or not. My love is not based on whether you are able to have kinner or not.” He leaned down and pressed his lips to hers, as if to prove his point.
How much longer would they be able to do this? Part of Rachel just wanted to throw caution to the wind. What would happen if Jacob did dishonor her? Would the two of them be forced to marry? Maybe if…
She pressed close and kissed Jacob with more passion than she had ever before. She moved her hands to his chest, longing for the boldness to unbutton his shirt. To let him know that she wanted more. Instead of his shirt buttons, she slipped her hand under one of his suspenders, inching it toward his shoulder. His muscles tensed under her touch.
A groan escaped his lips and he pulled her onto his lap. His heartbeat pounded against her chest as his hands clumsily loosened the pins under her kapp.
“Ach, Rachel…mei lieb…” he whispered, his voice more of a pant. His lips moved down toward her ear, then her neck. She didn’t protest when his hands roamed wherever they willed.
At this point in time, Rachel didn’t care. Nee, she welcomed his gentle touch. It felt wunderbaar to be desired. To feel her hair down around her shoulders and Jacob indulging in it as though she were his fraa.
But she wasn’t. And he wasn’t her mann. Soon, he’d belong to her sister. She suddenly felt sick. “Jacob, nee.” She sobbed, forcing herself away. “We cannot do this. You…you will be married to mei schweschder soon.”
“I don’t know if I can wait years to marry you. Rachel, I want you with everything in me. I love you.”
“I know. I love you too. But we can’t, Jacob.”
“If only we were marrying in three days. I don’t think I’m going to be a gut husband to your schweschder. How can I, when my thoughts will dwell with you?”
“What are we going to do?”
“The only thing we can. Pray and take one day at a time.”
SIXTEEN
Jacob couldn’t help the scowl on his face as he sat at the Eck with his new fraa. He may have been compelled to marry Leah, but he was not happy about it.
Rachel had been conspicuously absent today. He didn’t doubt that she was likely somewhere off by herself crying out to Der Herr. He felt like doing the same thing.
How was this all going to work out? Could he remain a faithful husband to Leah all the while seeing and longing for Rachel each day?
They were to make their new home in Marlin’s dawdi haus. He’d be sleeping just a wall away from his beloved. How could he stand to be that close to her and not take her into his arms? He did not have an honest answer. It would be a temptation for sure.
As well-wishers neared their table to offer their congratulations, all Jacob could think about was that he couldn’t wait for this day—nee, this period of his life—to be over. He longed for the day when he’d be married to Rachel. Ach, if only it were Rachel sitting by his side. If it were, he had no doubt he’d be wearing a smile he couldn’t contain. His heart would be full of joy instead of dread. He’d be looking forward to spending this night, and every night, lying in her arms.
Leah hadn’t said much of anything. He guessed she was probably just as miffed about this situation as Jacob and Rachel were. He glanced her way and caught her sad half smile. What must it be like for a woman to be married to a man she was certain did not love her? Painful, no doubt. But Jacob couldn’t help it. He couldn’t just switch out his feelings. His choice had been Rachel, not Leah.
~
By the time the evening was over, Jacob was exhausted. He’d never experienced a more taxing day in his life. Nevertheless, he was glad for it to finally be over.
He glanced around the dim dawdi haus. There was no sense in lighting a bunch of lanterns when they were just turning in for the night.
Leah moved toward the bedroom and he heard her take something out of a drawer, then she disappeared into the adjoining bathroom.
Jacob took the opportunity to divest himself of his wedding garments and stripped down to his usual sleeping attire—his boxer shorts. He slipped into bed, but left the lantern lit on the nightstand opposite his side of the bed.
Leah emerged from the bathroom but his back was turned. He outened the lantern and the room became pitch black. Jacob heaved a sigh. This was not how he’d pictured his wedding night at all. Nee, he’d pictured beautiful Rachel in his arms with her long hair flowing down over her…
Nee, he should not be having those thoughts! He chastised himself. If only he could make himself fall asleep. He tossed and turned, but sleep alluded him.
Ten minutes later, he stared up at the pitch-black ceiling. He listened closely. Was Leah sobbing? Ach…
He turned on his side and tentatively placed a hand on her shoulder—the first time he’d actually touched his fraa other than holding her hand while they’d agreed to their vows.
“Leah? Are you all right?” His voice was gentle.
More sniffling. She shrugged.
“Is there something I can do for you?”
“Nee.”
“I…” He swallowed. Ach, this was now his fraa. He was a sorry excuse for an mann. Was it his fault she was crying? Probably. Was she expecting something from him and not communicating what her needs were? Probably. He didn’t love her, but he wasn’t completely heartless. He lightly nudged her shoulder. “Kumm.”
She reluctantly turned and he gathered her into his open arms. He pulled her to his chest and allowed her to cry for as long as she needed to.
He felt ashamed. He’d been so occupied with his own hurt that he hadn’t even considered the pain Leah might be feeling. He’d been commanded by Der Herr to love his neighbor. Surely it was not an easy thing to have to marry someone who you knew didn’t love you. Someone your father forced on you. Someone who was head-over-heels in love with your sister.
He smoothed her hair as her sobbing ceased. “Are you okay?”
“Nee, I will never be okay. I’m dying, Jacob.”
Ach… He had no clue how to deal with this.
He couldn’t see much in the darkness, so he used his hands to find her face. He found her lips and kissed her on the mouth and she responded in turn. But he couldn’t muster the same passion he felt with Rachel. It just didn’t exist. It was likely Leah’s first kiss. It didn’t last long. He pulled back. “Don’t worry, fraa. You will not be alone. I will be with you.”
Somehow, they’d learn to navigate this complicated life together. It wouldn’t be easy, but he would bide his time until he could finally marry the woman of his dreams.
He closed his eyes and offered a prayer for his beloved. Gott, please be with Rachel. Help her through this. And comfort Leah too. Help us all through this.
Shortly thereafter, he gave in to the delicious nocturnal pull as well.
~
Jacob entered the kitchen, wiping the sleep from his eyes. “Smells gut.”
Leah turned around from the stove, an uncertain smile on her face. “I…I didn’t know how you like your eggs. I hope scrambled is okay.”
“Scrambled is fine. I am not picky.”
“Do you have a favorite way to eat them?”
“I like dippy eggs with toast, but like I said, I will eat anything.”
“I am glad I have a husband that is easy to please.”
He caught her eye and smiled. “And I am thankful for a wife that will cook for me.”
He noticed a slight tinge in her cheek color. “It is my pleasure. I enjoy cooking and baking. Rachel, not so much.”
Jacob pressed his lips together. He did not want Leah speaking ill of her younger sister. “We each have our own strengths and weaknesses.”
“Jah. But it is important to be cheerful about feeding your family, ain’t so?”
He couldn’t really argue. Did Rachel usually complain when she had to prepare meals? Or was Leah just trying to make her look bad? Ach, he’d rather not dwell on that.
“Do you have plans for today?”
“We will need to help clean up, ain’t not? It wonders me where my schweschder disappeared to yesterday.”
“I’m sure it was a difficult day for her, as it was for all of us. I’m thinking she will come around when she is ready.” Although he had no idea when that would be. It had to be heartbreaking knowing her beloved and her schweschder had united in holy matrimony.
“Kumm, eat.” Leah called him away from the window. Rachel had been nowhere in sight.
Jacob bowed his head in silent prayer. He had no idea how this would all play out, but he had to trust Der Herr.
SEVENTEEN
Jacob and Leah, along with Marlin and a few others from their family, made quick work of putting the Schmidts’ home back in order. Jacob had been watching for Rachel all morning. He hadn’t seen her since the day before the wedding. Where was she?
He cast his broom aside and approached Marlin. “Do you know where Rachel is?”
Marlin set down the bench he held and frowned. “You do not need to worry about Rachel. You have a fraa to tend to.”
Jacob clenched his fists. What game was Marlin playing now? “Where is Rachel?” He said the words through gritted teeth.
“Not here. In Ohio.”
“Ohio?” He practically shouted the word. He didn’t care that everyone in the room stopped what they were doing and stared at him and Marlin. “What in der velt is she doing in Ohio?”
“She’s staying with a relative. It will give you and your fraa a chance to get to know each other without distractions.”
Jacob felt like lifting the bench in front of him and hurling it through one of the windows across the room. “This is not what we agreed to. You promised me Rachel!”
“And you will have her. When it is time.” He frowned. “Keep your voice down, sohn.”
“When is she coming back?” Did his voice sound as desperate as he felt?
“That is to be determined.”
“Why? Why did you send her away, Marlin? Do you have any idea what this is doing to her?” What it was doing to him?
“It is best.”
“Did she want to go to Ohio?”
“She agreed to it.”
“Kind of like I agreed to marry Leah?”
“Chust enjoy your fraa. Be a gut mann. Make her smile. Leah deserves to smile. She has been through much.”
Ach… He felt so bad that Leah was stuck in the middle of this. He had to remind himself that she was a real person with real feelings and emotions too.
“You are disgracing your fraa by mentioning her schweschder in the presence of others, ain’t so?”
He glanced over at Leah, his fraa. She cleaned the window, but her expression was nothing like a new wife’s should be. He didn’t want her to feel bad. He didn’t want anybody to feel bad. He just wanted to see Rachel, his beloved. He wanted to know she was still waiting in the wings for him. He needed to know. He needed to see her.
“When will Rachel be back? I need her here. I need to see her. You know the only reason I agreed to marrying Leah is because you promised me Rachel. You promised me, Marlin.”
“She will be back in two weeks.”
“Two weeks?” His voice screeched. “Nee, that’s not acceptable.”
“Two weeks.” He repeated firmly.
Ach, he hadn’t gone without seeing Rachel more than a couple of days since they’d met. It seemed like sheer torture. His heart raced. What if Marlin was lying? What if this was all a plot to get Leah married off and he’d never see Rachel again?
“I want a phone number. I want to talk to her.”
“Nee.”
“Marlin, please.” He’d resort to begging if he had to. “I knew I never should have agreed to this.”
Marlin’s eyes flickered toward where Leah was working. “Keep your voice down.”
“I’m leaving. I can’t do this. I’m filing for an annulment. Today.” He pushed past Marlin and stormed outside.
“Jacob.” He heard Marlin calling him, but he ignored his words. “Jacob, wait!”
He kept walking until Marlin tackled him to the ground.
“Get off me!” He was so frustrated at this point, he actually considered striking his father-in-law.
“Nee. Nee. Do not do this.”
“I will. I cannot live without my Rachel. I’ll find her, even if I have to knock on every door in Ohio.”
“I’ll have a driver bring her home tomorrow, if you will reconsider.”
“Tomorrow?”
“Tomorrow. You have my word.”
“Fine.” He shoved his father-in-law off him, then walked away. He needed to get as far away from this place as his feet would carry him, because he was at the end of his emotional rope.
“Where are you going?”
“For a walk. I need to clear my head.”
“Ach, okay. I’ll let your fraa know so she doesn’t worry.”
She should be worried. Because Jacob was tired of Marlin’s games. He didn’t like being a pawn.
EIGHTEEN
After much introspection and thoughtful prayer, Der Herr had convicted Jacob’s heart. Whether he liked it or not, the reality was that he was not married to Rachel, but to Leah. Leah Schmidt. Nee, Leah King now. Jacob’s Leah, she’d likely be called. And at least for the next several years, Lord willing.
He needed to step up, be a man, and take responsibility.
Jacob admitted to himself that he had no clue what he was doing. How could he be a gut husband to Leah and still remain steadfast and faithful in his love for Rachel?
He pulled his Bible onto his lap, fingering the pages to find the concordance. Husband. That was the key word he was searching for.
He realized that he could not do this without help from Der Herr. He thumbed through the references. Ach, there were many, but most did not seem to apply to him.
Gott, give me understanding and wisdom.
His eyes roamed the verses. Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband.
What did that even mean? Due benevolence? He sighed. He’d need a dictionary for sure.
He went in search of one, but the only books he saw were the typical books found in most Amish homes. A German Bible, a prayer book, an Ausbund, and Martyr’s Mirror. He didn’t think there was a dictionary
in the dawdi haus, but perhaps there was one in the main dwelling.
But did he want to enter the house and risk seeing Rachel? He nearly laughed at himself. When did he not want to see Rachel? Ach, he saw her in his dreams. But he should not be dreaming of her. He mentally chastised himself. Nee, he should be dreaming of his fraa.
He hurried through the adjoining door into the big house. All was quiet. He went to the bookshelf and spotted the dictionary immediately. He returned to the dawdi haus unnoticed. Not that he was sneaking. Nee, he was welcome in Marlin’s home anytime.
Benevolence. The disposition to do good. To show a kindness. Desire to promote another’s happiness.
Ach, so it meant it was his duty to be kind to his fraa and make her happy? And the same was true for her, according to the verse.
This was going to be more challenging than he expected. Perhaps the other verses would explain more. His gaze dropped back to his Bible.
The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.
Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.
Oh, great. What did incontinency mean? He might understand from the text, but he’d better look it up just to be sure.
Incontinency. Lack of bodily self-control.
Ach, that made sense. So this was referring to the marriage bed, it seemed. And while, prior to his forced marriage, many times he’d imagined sharing the marriage bed with Rachel. But not with Leah.
According to Der Herr’s Word, this was his Christian duty.
But what about other aspects of marriage? The normal day to day stuff.
He turned back to his concordance to find the other verses that referenced a husband. Ephesians. Ach, there seemed to be quite a bit.
He skimmed over it…husband head of the wife…Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ loved the church, and gave himself for it…sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word…so ought men to love their wives as their own bodies…so love his wife even as himself…
An Amish Deception Page 7