Leveling the Field

by Elise Faber

  Frowning, she looked up at me. “What is what?”

  “Why’d you go quiet?”

  A sniff, her lips tipped up into a smile that wasn’t a Jesse-smile, and fuck if I knew what that meant. Except to say that it was wrong, and I didn’t like it, and she shouldn’t be smiling like that.

  She should be smiling with that light that came from inside her. The warmth.

  Not . . . the facsimile copy she was giving me in that moment.

  “I’m just tired,” she said. “It’s nothing.”

  “Bullshit.”

  A sharp word before I even fully grasped that I’d spoken, that I’d snagged her wrist and halted her forward movement.

  Soft skin.

  Delicate bones.

  She tugged herself free, gave me that smile again, and I would swear that it set my spine on fire. Fury? Desire? A pissed off male-response because a woman I cared about was denying me the truth? They were all twisted together, and none of it made any sense and—

  “Yes,” she said lightly. “It is bullshit. I wish that I never got tired.” Sarcasm swept in now, and I felt the fury spark, fueling the tangle of desire. “But alas, even KTS agents get weary every once in a while.”

  I wasn’t one for angry affection or rage-filled sex. That didn’t get me off.

  But Jesse’s tart tone certainly gave me a vision of wrapping my hand in her ponytail, tugging her head back, and nipping at her throat until she told me every single thought that was drifting through that big ole brain of hers.

  “So, anyway,” she went on, striding toward her room, pushing open the door. “I’m only human, and I’m going to bed—”

  “Wait,” I said, catching her arm.

  She turned back at the same time I moved close, and the air between us grew taut. Her eyes had flecks of gold in them, a fact I’d never noticed before.

  But then again, there were so many things about her that I’d never noticed before, weren’t there?

  Like how her bottom lip was a slightly darker pink than her top.

  How her breasts were small but rounded, and I bet they’d be more than big enough to fill my palms. I wondered if her nipples would match that bottom lip, if they would turn even rosier with the attention of my mouth.

  I wondered—

  A click.

  One I recognized from last night. Someone was coming.

  I released her arm, ran my knuckles over her cheek. “Good night.”

  A nudge had her inside, another had the door closing, and then I was turning to my own room, moving inside my own door, nodding at Linc and Olive as they walked past, too wrapped up in each other to pay me much attention.

  Which I was grateful for.

  Because otherwise I might have done something truly reprehensible.

  Jesse was untouchable.

  Especially by the likes of me.

  “We’ll enter from here,” Hannah said. “You and Jesse will be on the perimeter.”

  It had been two days since I’d brought Jesse dinner, and I’d spent yesterday getting caught up on all the intel my team had collected to date, along with helping Lily investigate several connections between Jack’s bank account and members of several mob bosses.

  And avoiding Jesse.

  There was that, too.

  Because I hadn’t been able to corral the wayward thoughts in my mind, in my dreams.

  Seriously, what the fuck was wrong with me?

  It was Jesse. Jesse!

  And I’d spent the past three nights dreaming increasingly lewd dreams about a certain red-haired beauty who would speak softly of owls and could kick my ass in knife throwing.

  It made no sense.

  I knew it didn’t.

  But . . . I couldn’t act on any of it. Not with Jesse. Never with her.

  It was just as well that we were finally going to see some action. I needed to burn off some steam, needed to forget the confusing thoughts.

  I needed to shoot something.

  Luckily, that opportunity seemed as though it were going to present itself shortly. Jess had gathered information about KTS-grade weapons being traded on the black market, and we were hoping that we might be able to trace them back to whoever was betraying us.

  Betraying us.

  The thought had rage filling my veins, setting my brain to what my former leader, Landon, had always jokingly called Warrior Mode.

  Despite the stupid name, it was true in many ways, I supposed.

  My job took a certain amount of compartmentalization, and that included those times right before a mission. I needed to shut down anything extraneous in my mind, to focus on the job at hand, at ensuring our backs were covered, that my teammates were protected.

  KTS’s strengths came from its collection of five to six-person teams based around the world. Those smaller groups of agents could infiltrate easier than a large contingent swarming the space, not to mention smaller teams meant they could be more places, could be strategically positioned around the world where we would do the most good.

  But those strengths also brought weaknesses.

  Smaller, independently functioning teams were easier to fracture.

  Case in point, Daniel’s betrayal.

  And then Jack’s, and the whole reason that I had switched teams.

  Because I wasn’t going to allow the organization that had become so fucking important to me to be destroyed from the inside out, not when we had so much good left to do in the world.

  Not when I could still make a difference.

  Hannah mentioned a few characteristics of the building—the entrances and exits, vantage points we could use to keep track of what was happening inside, a few pitfalls of the surrounding area—one being an actual pit that had been dug on the far side of the space.

  Maybe for a septic tank.

  Maybe for something more nefarious, based on the danger in dealing with illegal weapons.

  I nodded my understanding, asked my questions—the timing of the deal, whether there were any interior stairs that might give one of the fuckers an exit via the second story window or the roof and fire escape—and listened while Jesse and Linc did the same, while Hannah relayed everything she had learned from the tiny, rodent-shaped drone that our tech guys had created and which she and Lily had used for reconnaissance the night before.

  Everything seemed straightforward, but that appearance made my skin prickle.

  These were always the sorts of missions that went FUBAR.

  When it all seemed to be going splendidly, when there weren’t any hiccups, or it was supposed to be an easy pickup, drop-off, that’s when things went to shit.

  “Good?” Hannah asked a half hour later.

  I nodded, along with the rest of the team.

  “Good,” she said again, lips twitching. “Gear up. We move out in an hour.”

  Jess pushed up from the table next to me, her thigh brushing mine, and even in my Warrior Mode, I was still aware of that contact far more than I should be.

  She paused, stacking up some papers, and I studied her face, realized with surprise that probably made me the biggest asshole on the planet, that she was actually quite beautiful. Her throat was a slender column of creamy skin, the surface like porcelain with the exception of a narrow scar that peeked out from beneath the collar of her shirt, demanding to be kissed. Her cheekbones were high and dusted with a smattering of freckles I was suddenly quite desperate to count. Her ears were delicate, adorable and tiny and elven. Her eyes . . . had I ever actually looked inside them before?

  Because they were a shocking color of blue. The bright sky on an early summer morning, dusted with whirls of clouds.

  Whirls?

  Adorable elven ears?

  A scar that demanded to be kissed? Freckles to be counted?

  I blinked, glanced away before she caught me looking, and began gathering up my belongings, wondering what in the ever-loving fuck was going on with my brain.

  This wasn’t Warrior Mode.

/>   This was Gonna Get My Ass Shot Mode, and—I spun when my gaze drifted to her ass, when she bent over to retrieve a pen she’d dropped—Gonna Endanger Everyone Around Me Mode.

  And Jesse already had one scar from that mode. I wasn’t going to be responsible for giving her another.

  That more than anything recentered me.

  She couldn’t be hurt because of me. Not again. Not any of my teammates. Not anyone I cared about. I had more than enough guilt on that front to last a lifetime, more than enough darkness that had dug its claws into my brain.

  She straightened, pen in hand, and studied me closely, only a few inches separating our bodies. “You okay?”

  She had a freckle on the right curve of her upper lip.

  I wanted to kiss it.

  The urge was so strong that I nearly did it, nearly bent down and flicked my tongue over the spot when she touched my wrist.

  With everyone else in the conference room still there.

  Fuck.

  Fuck.

  “Leo?”

  “Don’t.” I jumped, skittered back so fast that I tripped over my chair, nearly eating shit as I ripped my hand from hers.

  Hurt crossed her face.

  Hannah cleared her throat before slipping from the room, and I didn’t miss the flash of pink on Jess’s cheeks, the pain slashing deeper into her expression.

  Fuck.

  I wanted to shove one of those throwing knives from the shooting range into my kidney, as impossible as that was. I wanted to take her into my arms and kiss her. Opening my mouth to apologize, I didn’t get so much as one syllable out before she lifted her chin and asked softly, “What’s wrong?”

  Gently.

  I closed my eyes, more guilt tearing through me.

  What was wrong? I wanted my friend, my teammate. That couldn’t happen. Not even because of the work complications that might bring, but because she was Jess and I was me, and there was no fucking way that would ever work. It would never, ever work. I wouldn’t ever allow it to work, couldn’t risk it. Not with Jess.

  “Nothing’s wrong,” I snapped. “I just don’t have time for friendship today. We’ve got a mission, and you shouldn’t be touching me . . .” I trailed off, not knowing how to finish that thought.

  She shouldn’t be touching me because I wanted her, and that was . . . impossible.

  Fuck, I was an asshole.

  A giant, blazing asshat of an asshole.

  “Right,” she murmured, slowly backing up, nodded. “I understand.”

  More guilt, stoppering up my words in my throat. “I—” I managed to force out. “It’s—”

  Too late.

  Her expression went cold, those lush lips pressed flat, and she nodded as though having come to some decision, said, “See you in the car.” A beat, derision in her blue eyes. “Buddy.”

  A moment later, she was gone.

  And I was an even bigger asshole because I just let her go.

  Chapter Ten

  Jesse

  I clenched my fingers into a tight fist, trying to ignore the bitterness crawling through me.

  I repulsed him.

  He’d torn himself from me like I was a pile of steaming shit, as though I hadn’t taken a shower in months, as though . . . I were Jesse.

  And Hannah had seen.

  A sharp bolt of anger, of disgust, shot up my spine, had my fist clenching tighter.

  The only small victory was the fact that Linc and Lily had already gone, that the rest of my teammates hadn’t caught on to my crush, to my pathetic lusting and fantasizing after Leo.

  He’d lurched away.

  Lurched.

  At my touch, and then like an idiot, I’d pressed him, and he’d said he didn’t want me to touch him.

  And that made me feel . . .

  “Fuck,” I hissed. It made me want to punch the wall, to keep punching it, to use the pain of my fist meeting the hard surface to purge this feeling of fury, of disgust, of resentment and never measuring up. But the walls on base were made of concrete and thick at that. Punching one would get my ass a broken hand and a trip to the infirmary . . . and off this mission.

  I couldn’t lose work. Not when I had nothing else.

  Which was why I did the one thing I was good at—shoved down those feelings, focused on work.

  Nothing was going to change.

  I was me. Leo was a teammate. Nothing more. Even if he’d brushed his knuckles over my cheek. Even if he touched my wrist and brought me dinner.

  There was no us.

  There would never be an us.

  So, I might as well stop kidding myself and try to save the world.

  At least, that was better than focusing on my own pitiful circumstances.

  I detoured to my quarters, splashed some water on my face, locked down my emotions, and tucked away the fantasy that would never be.

  Work.

  Friends.

  The word sounded bitter, even in my own mind.

  But it had always been enough, would always be enough. Even if it wasn’t what I wanted. Which was fine, because I was used to not getting what I wanted.

  And with that auspicious thought, I went to the locker room, geared up, and got ready to take down some bad guys.

  Enough. It would be enough.

  It had to be.

  “Check in every five minutes,” Hannah said, strapping her knife to her thigh.

  I nodded, making sure the earpiece was secure.

  We had a two-mile dead run to the house where the deal was supposed to take place, but we were used to the exertion. We couldn’t risk our vehicle being spotted, so whatever gear we needed, we carried. Whatever support we required, whatever backup we might need, was on us.

  That was why it was absolutely critical we trusted our teammates.

  That was why it had hurt so fucking much to find out that Jack hadn’t had our backs.

  That was why this thing with Leo, this . . . I hesitated to say it, because it hurt. But while I might have had fantasies, I also had realities. I didn’t lie to myself, and that’s why I forced myself to think the word. Disgust. Leo was disgusted by me.

  He’d probably recognized I was pining after him, had mistaken his friendship for more, and was doing us both a kindness by making that clear.

  Except his so-called kindness felt more like disdain. Like disgust and . . . well, it felt like shit.

  Perhaps, he’d decided it was the best way to keep me at a distance, so I stopped the pining, stopped the fantasies, stopped everything except for embracing reality and understanding that nothing would ever happen with us.

  Maybe—

  This was not the time for this.

  We had to be teammates. We were on a mission. We needed to focus; that was the most important thing. I’d prove to him—no, to myself, that he wasn’t more than a friend, and we’d get on with our lives, our job. I’d get some fucking self-respect back, and all would be right in the world.

  “Everyone aware of the second rendezvous point in case we get into trouble?” Hannah asked, shrugging into her backpack.

  “Yes,” I said, along with everyone else. I secured my bag’s clip across my chest.

  “Good,” she murmured, pocketing the SUV’s keys. We didn’t need them, not when the ignition was keyed to our biometrics. If we got into trouble, any one of us could operate the vehicle.

  I rolled my shoulders, adjusted my pack, forced a smile, and gave it to the whole team, pretending like Leo hadn’t eviscerated me in the conference room, that I wasn’t hurting inside and feeling too fucking vulnerable right at this moment. Because maybe if I pretended enough, it would be true. Maybe the rending would heal, and I could . . . I don’t know. Stop hurting?

  Probably unlikely, given my past.

  But a girl had to dream, right?

  Focus.

  Right.

  I made myself meet his eyes, even as I braced myself for him to jump away again, to bolt from me and my “disgusting” presence. He d
idn’t, however, just looked down at me, some unreadable emotion in his gaze. Perfect. Just teammates, see? Exactly what I needed.

  An inhale. More shoring. There. Good.

  “Ready for your first mission, rookie?” I asked lightly, my smile turning genuine.

  We could do this. I could do this.

  “Yup.”

  A sharp, short sound that had the whole team glancing up from their last-minute preparations.

  And then he took a deliberate step away from me.

  I sucked in a breath, the shoring and supports I’d erected scattering like fucking toothpicks.

  He turned his stare to the trees, a muscle twitching in his jaw.

  Something cold buried itself in my heart. Twisted when I faced forward, when I looked away from him, when I saw Hannah and Lily exchange a glance. A pitying glance. Inhaling through my nose, I embraced that hurt, let the rage fuel me. I rolled my shoulders again. “Let’s go,” I said, and took off in the direction of the house.

  My feet were silent as I ran, my teammates’ feet equally as quiet, and though my heart rate accelerated, my breathing increasing even as I made sure to make my inhalations and exhalations remain as soundless as possible.

  But with each step, I grew less aware of my surroundings—dumbass, because that was a stupid fucking move for a KTS agent—and more aware of that stake in my heart, that bitterness festering. Every time the sole of my boot hit the ground, I saw that pitying look. Every time the other collided with the dirt, I remembered Leo lurching away from me. I remembered “Buddy,” and the kiss on my thigh, the sharp words.

  Over and over and over again.

  So many times that when I’d finished those two miles, that icy anger had grown, had covered me from head to toe, and I knew there was no going back from it.

  I drew to a stop near the edge of the clearing, the house visible just through the trees, felt my teammates come up next to me.

  “That was some pace,” Linc murmured, resting a hand on a tree trunk, sweat gleaming on his forehead as he caught his breath. His gaze studied mine, as though searching for some answer to a question.

  I deliberately looked away, knew that would be answer enough. He was too insightful to not have picked up on what was happening between Leo and me. I cleared my throat. “Let’s get into position.” The sun had nearly set, and the shadows were growing heavy, allowing us enough cover to sneak closer to the house. We needed to be in position soon in order to avoid disrupting the deal.