Before The Cure (Book 2): The Infected

by Gould, Deirdre

  “Bullshit,” spat Neil.

  “No offense, Neil, but you haven’t been awake very long. Your ideas might—”

  Neil shook his head. “It’s not that I don’t— look, we did some awful things. Doesn’t matter that I didn’t know the people I killed. They still belonged with someone. They still had parents and siblings and lovers and kids. I know that. Not just— not just surface level. I know that, deep down in my bones. But I was also healthy enough, in the beginning, to know what it looked like from the other side, too. The first person I killed wasn’t while I was sick. I tried my damnedest not to hurt anyone, I really did, Elijah. But I had to stop one of the Infected. To save some other people. Not everyone tried that hard. Even Shay. She held off, I think because I wasn’t ready to kill anyone, but she knew that to survive, she was going to have to do things she didn’t want to. We haven’t talked about what she did after we went our separate ways, but I know not all of it was easy or peaceful. And Shay is kind. She’d look for another way. You really think all of the Immunes are as kind as she is? You think some of them didn’t actively hunt us? Didn’t enjoy the excuse to kill us? Maybe none of us deserve to forget. Maybe that’s the answer. But it’s definitely not that the Immunes should have an easier conscience than we do.”

  “They only killed to survive—”

  “They didn’t. Not all of them, Elijah. I might seem— naive, but I do understand some of how people work. And even the ones that did—” He waved an arm toward his face. “I lost over a hundred pounds and gained about a hundred years. You think after that first week I wasn’t killing to survive? That you weren’t? Problem is it’s been too long awake for you. You only remember the anger. You know what the overwhelming feeling for me is when I think about the past several months? Hunger. Extreme, painful, ever-present hunger. This wasn’t a— a failure. It wasn’t a lack of impulse control. It was insanity.”

  “That doesn’t excuse what we did.”

  “I didn’t say it did. We have to live with it, just like the Immunes need to remember that the Infected they killed were also human. Just like they need to live with it. So the way I see it, there are two choices. Either we all flagellate ourselves for the rest of our lives and the world stays the way it is. All shattered and hopeless where a trip that used to take an hour and a half will take a month if you live that long and people still starving or killing to survive. Or we all pick ourselves up, try to move on and be better people, and put society back together. Get things back to as normal as possible. Not this— blame system. Not this separate living. That first method— does it really honor the people we killed? Do you think that’s what they’d want? For us to be so grieved, so stuck that whatever was left crumbled? That nothing went on, that we all died off and no one remembered them? That nothing was learned from their deaths?”

  “What on earth would we learn from all that violence and fury and blood? There’s nothing redeeming about the way I slaughtered my wife or how I tore apart our baby with my teeth while he screamed. There’s nothing good in that. There never will be.”

  “I’m sorry,” Neil said, laying a bandaged hand on Elijah’s shoulder. “I’m sorry that’s what happened. No. There’s nothing to be learned from their deaths. But what you loved about them, about how they lived— you’re their only mark upon the world now. You’re the only one who can make what they valued, what they loved, what they wished for, happen. There’s nothing that will be worth what their lives would have been. There’s no trade-off to make up for it. But no matter how awful we feel about what we’ve done, we can’t undo it. If your wife could see you, working every day to help other people heal, to help them keep going, trying to keep people from utter despair, don’t you think she’d be honored by what you’ve decided to do since you woke up? Don’t you think she’d be glad that you didn’t just give up back in your camp, even though you wanted to?”

  “She might. She was— good. Wholly, completely good. But everyone else? I think they just want me to— I don’t know. To die, I suppose. To pay for what I did.”

  “Yeah, well, forget them. They just want you to be more miserable than they are. Do you want to be like them? Or do you want to be more like your wife?”

  “I’ll never be like her. No matter how hard I try.”

  Neil shrugged. “Yeah. Maybe you’re right. Maybe you’ll never be as good as she was. But wouldn’t you rather keep trying and failing in that direction than succeeding at being more miserable, more guilty, more stuck?”

  Elijah rubbed his face and then winced at the sudden pain in his burned hands. “I don’t know how long I can do this, to be honest. I can’t fix all this. This is my sixth camp, and I’m not even sure I’ll be able to finish a seventh. I can’t pretend for much longer—”

  “I know, I know,” said Neil. “This place, seeing people wake up and having to tell them the very worst news of their lives, having to convince them it wasn’t all a bad dream and then figure out how to keep them wanting to wake up, that’s got to be— I can’t imagine how hard that is. And in addition, having to convince yourself every day on top of it all, maybe it’s time for another job. Some other way to pick up the pieces and help.”

  “I’m no good at anything else, Neil. I’ve tried. Even— even after I woke up. I was with the scav teams at first. It was too— it was too scary. I was bad at it. I was never the brightest bulb in the pack. Or really talented in any extraordinary way. Even Before, I used to move from job to job until I found something I wasn’t terrible at and stick with it until they kicked me out. I wasn’t a security guard for that long, but I thought it was a good fit for me. Nothing to really guard anymore. Not without a gun. And I don’t really want to do that. It was rich guys with art insured to the gills before. And jewelry stores who’d probably make more money if I didn’t do my job and the place got ripped off. Not that it ever happened, just— the stakes were low Before. You know? Everything is so dire now. If I fail here, people die. Like the man in the firepit.”

  “He wasn’t yours, Simon told me he was being counseled by someone else—”

  “You’re all mine. In my head, you’re all my responsibility. And even if I went to the City, what am I going to do? Farm? If we have a bad crop, if I don’t weed enough or I overwater or miss the potato bugs, we starve. If I go to the electric plant and do something wrong, the City loses power and we freeze or get sick from unfiltered water. Join the scav team again and freeze at the wrong moment or open the wrong door and the team’s overrun and dead. There are good reasons I’m not in Shay’s scav team anymore. If I—”

  “You’re good at this,” interrupted Neil. “You’re good at listening. At talking people through things. You don’t have to do it here though. Not when we wake up. You can do it where there’s more Cured. Where people are back on their feet but aren’t— normal yet. As normal as this gets, anyway. You don’t have to put up with assholes like that Will guy.”

  “There’d be no— backup there. Nobody checking to make sure I didn’t mess up. No Simon to fix what I said wrong to someone. They just— dump us there and let us go. We report to work, get our ration chips, go home to fend for ourselves. There’s no counseling. No followup. The Cure camp is it. This is what the City does for us. Even if I got permission to try to help the Cured in the City, I’d be the only one.”

  “All the more reason to do it. You see something that people need, you’re good at providing it, who better to do it?”

  “I can’t. I can’t, brother. If something happened, if somebody jumped in a fire pit there, I’d have no one to blame but myself. I can barely live with what I’ve done in the past, how could I live with that, too?” He’d shrunken, curled up as if Neil was getting ready to strike him. It disturbed Neil, seeing the man cringe away from him when he’d only appeared calm and steady before.

  “Okay, okay, don’t worry about it. Forget all that,” Neil said quickly. Anything to stop the doubt and fear that seemed to overtake Elijah. “Don’t go back there. Com
e with me, instead. We’ll go up north, find my family. It’s quiet. Probably very few Infected, if any. Lots of cabins, lots of land. We’ll go start a farm if Joan hasn’t already taken over the whole town. Low stakes, right? No one’s going to treat you like crap for what you’ve been through. Nobody’s going to jump in a fire pit because you say the wrong thing. Joan might roll her eyes and stop talking to you for a day but—”

  “What? I just told you, I’m bad at almost everything I’ve ever tried. Unless you have some locked building with lots of paintings in it you need me to sit in front of, I’m not the guy for you. If I make a mistake, we’ll die.”

  “Sure,” admitted Neil. “And if I make one, we die too. And I’m more likely to make one than you. You’ve seen what’s outside the camp. Maybe not the Infected, by the time you get here, they’re getting cured, but all the rest. The wildlife, the closed roads, the other Immunes, where to find supplies. And it’s only me, until we find Joan and Randi. A lot lower stakes than an entire city, right?”

  “Not really.”

  Neil sighed. “Okay. But you’ve told me you’re supposedly bad at everything. I’ve accepted the risk. I’m not your responsibility anymore. Just— tag along, if you want. You aren’t my keeper.”

  “And do what, Neil? Why do you even want this?”

  “You’re good company. Isn’t that enough?”

  “These days— no.”

  “Look, I’m not some grand survivalist either. I’m a line cook and a dad and occasionally I play a pickup basketball game with the other dads on my block. That’s it. I’ve never hunted, never fished, and I’ve barely ever even gone camping before. I’m no great value either.”

  “You saved thirty people—”

  “Barely. And that didn’t take any great survival experience, just an intercom and the willingness to do something really stupid. My best friend was in that hospital. I didn’t save him. Didn’t have the balls to end it for him either, even though I knew he would die in there. I don’t deserve another friend, but— I desperately need one. And I think you do too. I know I’m not making this look very attractive, I’m not really sure how to. So I’ll just ask you instead. Come on the road with me. If it ends up we can’t stand each other, you can always come back. And you’ll have some valuable scouting information for your city. If we end up getting in a mess— well, it’ll be no worse than the ones I’d get into on my own. Whatever my fate is, it wouldn’t be your fault.”

  “I owe the City so much—”

  “I think they might owe you more. They know what they’re getting with us. We aren’t indentured, are we?”

  “No, but—”

  “How many Cured have you helped? After six camps, how many people went from the camps to work in the City because you kept ‘em going? Bet it’s several hundred.”

  Elijah didn’t answer, obviously uncomfortable.

  “And you can’t keep doing this. You said so yourself, just a few minutes ago. Something’s got to give. At least for a while. Otherwise, you are going to make a mistake. Or go crazy yourself. You need a— a vacation. Think of it like that. You’re better off having a break. Come back in a year, two, if you want. I’ll even come back with you, once we’ve found Joan. Or just realize they got their due from you already and be— free to be your own person. Free to start living a good life again.” He wanted to press more, insist, but Neil was afraid it would just make Elijah withdraw. And it was painfully obvious the man needed something else, some escape, even if it were to a more uncomfortable place.

  “Let me think about it awhile, Neil. I haven’t been out here on my own since I was sick. Even when I was with the scav team, we were always in a group. I’m not ashamed to admit the idea of just you and me wandering around out there frightens me.”

  “Scares the hell out of me, too,” said Neil. “But if Randi’s out there, I have to find her. Think about it. I’ll try not to push, but I can’t say I wouldn’t feel better with you there to help.”

  “Yeah, I’ll think about it. A few days. You have time. They’re not going to release you for another couple weeks anyway.”

  14

  It was a few days before Neil saw Elijah making his rounds in the camp again. Neither of them brought up the conversation for a while. Neil only asked how his hands were and showed Elijah his own shiny pink patches where the blisters had been. Neil realized how much he was missing Dante. If it’d been Dante he’d asked instead of Elijah, they’d already be gone. He’s not Dante, Neil kept telling himself. And I’m not going to treat him like he is. I’m going to be better this time. He tried to be patient.

  Simon kept pressing Neil to complete more screening tasks for the City, despite Neil’s protests.

  “Think of it as an insurance policy,” Simon had told him. “Or a preregistration. When you find your family and come back, you’ll be several steps closer to being settled when you get to the City. They’ll have your information, know where to put you to work, know who has been looking for you, that sort of thing.”

  Neil had appreciated that Simon had said “when” not “if” he found his family and submitted to more writing tests on battered laminated sheets. The days trudged by, each one sweltering. Neil played cards with Elijah at night at the edge of the tent where the breeze could reach them. They talked about the restaurant. And the house Elijah had been building. Swapped jokes. Anything but the future or their families.

  The camp gradually emptied as Cured were released. A trickle at first, the strongest among them and a few the City needed desperately. A mechanic. A handful of carpenters. Two plumbers. A few days later, a dozen more people went. Then thirty or so. Neil tried to be patient. You still have no supplies, no plan, and no answer from Elijah, he reminded himself. You promised Shay you’d wait for her.

  The cots grew emptier and then disappeared as they were packed away. He helped Elijah fold some one afternoon and stack them on a truck, finally gathering the courage to ask again.

  “Shay should be back in a few days,” Neil said when they took a break for water.

  “Heard Mateo on the radio a couple of hours ago. They’ve got a big haul. They’re going to pick up another fifty Cured to take back to the City on the way by. More efficient,” said Elijah.

  “Have you thought about what you’re going to do, after here?” Neil played with the water bottle cap instead of watching Elijah’s reaction.

  “You know,” he said after a while, “if I chose to go back to the City, it wouldn’t be because I didn’t like you. Or didn’t want to help you.”

  “I know. There’s a lot to consider. And not any certainty on what we’ll find at the end. We might just end up back here in a few months anyway, with nothing to show.”

  “And— if you wait for me, it’s going to push out your departure even more. Without me, you could leave tomorrow if you really wanted to. You hang around until I’m able to go, and it’ll be another two weeks. Leaving when the camp breaks up is one thing. I was scheduled for two more sessions before my cycle ended, but the next few are smaller. No malls, no hospitals, just neighborhoods. There won’t be so many people waking up. It’d be okay if I left when this camp was all through. But if I left now, with so much left to do, I’d never be welcome in the City again. And I couldn’t forgive myself.”

  “You and Simon keep telling me that whatever happened to Joan and Randi, it’s likely done. That any kind of rescue I had in mind is unrealistic. I’m itching to go, not going to lie. But you were right about at least one part. If I don’t get there in some kind of decent health, then I’m not going to be much use to either of them. I stand a much better chance of surviving if you’re with me.”

  Elijah shook his head.

  “Even if all you do is talk to me,” Neil said quickly. “The mistakes I make— I’m going to make those whether you’re with me or not. You aren’t going to add any. But you might prevent a few. I’m willing to wait if you’ll come with me.”

  “Your family isn’t the only reaso
n to worry about waiting. We’re pushing into the end of summer. The place you want to get to, it’s at least two weeks walking. That’s if we don’t run into any problems. And Shay got a lucky break on supplies for us and will take—” he puffed out his cheeks and shook his head slightly. “And will take anything I’ve got in trade. I don’t have much, to be honest, Neil. Some clothing chips, a few ration chips saved, but nothing on the scale of what we need. If we have to keep stopping to scavenge, we could be a month or more on the road. That’s going to take us almost to October. If your family has got everything settled and buttoned-up, we’ll be fine. But if we get there and— I don’t want to crush you, brother, but we really might not find anyone there, you understand that, don’t you?”

  “I know it’s a possibility,” Neil admitted, though he wasn’t certain he really did. Not on a gut level, not where it was anything more than a distant theoretical idea.

  “If we get there and they aren’t there or they aren’t in good shape— or even if they are, but don’t have anything to spare, we’re going to be in a little bit of trouble. Hopefully, there’ll be food and supplies left in that area to scavenge. It looks rural, so maybe it’ll be less picked over, but there’ll also be fewer places to look. If we aren’t ready to hole up by the time the snow starts— it’s not like you remember. Not even in the City. Winters are bad. Food and heat and clean water, among other things, are scarce. The more time you lose waiting for me, the less you have to find what you need.”

  “If I wait for you, there’d be two of us to look for all of that.”

  “And another mouth to feed.”

  Neil shrugged and smiled. “I’m a cook. No good without other mouths to feed anyway. Look, Elijah, if you want to say no, we’ll still be friends. At least— for my part anyway. But say no because it’s good for you to stay. Or because you’re sick of me. Or because you think I’m going to get us both killed. Not because you think I’ll be better off without you along because I truly won’t be. I’m ready to go when the camp breaks if that’s what needs to happen.”