“Not gonna happen, I’m gonna need all the backup I can get.” He narrows his eyes in her direction.
“Well, we’ll have Jaggar to help keep an eye out.” Cameron winks my way, and it hits me out of the blue that I’ll have no choice but to head back to Texas with them. Kruger will never let me live so far away from him now that he knows about his son.
“Don’t get that look, Stella. Doc’s gonna help us with your recovery. You’ll be staying at the clubhouse where Kruger will have y’alls boy. We’ll all help you out and you’ll still get to be Jaggar’s Momma on a daily basis. But I’m gonna warn you now, you and Kruger are gonna have to come to some sort of peaceful resolution. You’re gonna have to come to terms with not being a couple; are you gonna be able to deal?”
“I’ve already come to terms that we’ll never be anything more to one another than Jaggar’s parents. Speaking of, do you know where Kruger is?” I ask the question that’s been plaguing my mind since the two of them walked into my room.
“He went with that lady to get y’alls boy,” Cameron answers for Gunner. Fear spikes once again, Kruger’s gonna murder me for keeping him from him. I close my eyes as a tear escapes.
“It’s gonna be okay, Stella,” Gunner tries to placate me. “Jaggar’s gonna be the first priority to him, everything else will work itself out. Trust me.” And for some reason I believe him.
I’m not sure how long we sit and talk before the door opens and Kruger walks in the room with our son. He’s juggling the baby bag; I’d laugh, but I fear it would cause unwanted and undesirable drama. That will come at a later time and date. “Stella.” Kruger nods his head at me and comes over to stand next to me. “According to this list, it’s almost Jaggar’s feeding time. Need you to show me how to prepare his bottle and how to feed him.” I mesmerizingly watch as he gently unstraps Jaggar from his seat and proceeds to place his hand behind his head and bottom as he lifts him up and deposits him in my arms. He’s so heavy compared to Mane, who’s now nestled under a blanket, feeding from her mother’s bosom. I wasn’t one who is lucky enough to breastfeed, my milk never dropped and Jaggar screamed to high heaven every time I tried. I finally gave up and put him on bottles and formula, much to my heart's dismay.
“Sure, hand me his bag. It’s easy, you’ll get it in no time,” I nonchalantly say, even though all I wanna do is drool at the sight of him. My memory sucks where it comes to how he looks and the baritone sound of his voice. My body involuntarily quivers when I remember the way he called out my name that night, and how well he played my body. It was as if he’d known me forever and knew exactly which buttons to push to set me on fire. He hands me a bottle which already has the water inside of it. I tell him why it’s already filled and that the water needs to be sterilized. He hands me the aluminum can I point out, then I take the little scooper inside and measure it out. I tell him for every two ounces of water, he needs to add one scoop of formula. My little chunky monkey can eat six ounces at a time. I’ll be introducing soft foods to his diet in another month. He already eats way too much as it is, but the doctor is good with it. He says I shouldn’t deprive him of what he needs, his little tummy will tell him when enough is enough. He’s never overdone himself and become sick, which I’m eternally grateful for. “Do you wanna feed him?” I ask, knowing he’s never had the opportunity to do this… to bond with Jaggar during feeding time.
“Yes,” is the only word he says as I scoot over in my hospital bed. I pat it once, I’m willing to allow him to feed him, but I need to be close in case he chokes. Oh hell, who am I kidding, I just want them next to me as much as I can.
4
Kruger
As soon as she pats the bed beside her, I take a minute to contemplate if that’s a good idea or not. Finally, I say fuck it in my head and take the spot next to her. The bed is raised up to where my body is in an upright position. As soon as our legs touch one another’s, a spark of electricity ignites. I forgot how much this woman has the ability to affect me the way she does. “So, you wanna place his head in the crook of your elbow,” she informs me as she places Jaggar in my arms. It’s the first time I’ve held him, and my heart bursts in joyfulness. The connection I thought we had when I first looked into his eyes is nothing in comparison to what I’m experiencing at this moment. I lift up my knees, placing my feet on the mattress. His butt is securely placed in my lap as my other hand comes up with the bottle Stella just handed over to me. She places her hand over mine and lifts them up to where the nipple of the bottle is touching his bottom lip. His mouth opens as he searches to get it fully engulfed inside of his mouth. He attacks that bottle as if it’s his lifeline, and I smile at his exuberance.
“He likes to eat, huh?” I ask her with excitement laced on my tongue.
She hums before laughing. “That he does, he’ll eat the whole thing if you’re not careful. Every two ounces, you need to force him to stop so you can burp him.”
“We have to force him to stop, that doesn't sound right to me,” I dumbfoundedly state. “You don’t force a man to stop chowing down, it’s downright rude.”
She giggles before informing me, “He’ll build up gas if you don’t and it’ll hurt him in the long run. He’ll be uncomfortable and…”
I don’t let her finish before saying, “It’ll pain him if I don’t take his food away.” I look down at the baby who is obviously mine. “That sucks, little man,” I say to him, but leave out the get used to it, that’s life, portion of my statement.
“Yes, and trust me on this, you don’t want that. He’ll be up all night in a crying fit, you’ll never get any sleep if that happens.” Her words make me stop and ponder on how many times this has happened to her. And she did it all by herself, I’d have been there at her side if she’d have let me, but I push that thought aside, we’ll discuss it another time.
Hesitantly, I pull the bottle out of his mouth and examine it. Two ounces gone, just like the snap of your fingers. “How do I do this burping thing you talked about?” She places a cloth over my shoulder and tells me to lift him up to where his head is on my shoulder. As soon as I do, she tells me to pat his back. I do so, but apparently not strong enough to incite gas release. When she goes to town on his back, a growl escapes my lips. “The fuck, woman, you’re gonna give the boy a complex.” Stella simply rolls her eyes at me and continues, on the third pat on my son’s back, he lets out a burp that rivals Gunner’s. “That’s my boy,” I state as I bring him back down and place the bottle back into his mouth.
As soon as he finishes his bottle and gets his back pat, he lets out another burp that makes me proud. That is, until I’m informed it’s diaper changing time… and guess who the lucky son-of-a-bitch is that gets to conquer that feat? Yep, yours truly. And let me tell ya, if the fart he released earlier is any indication of what I’ll find in his diaper, I’ll need a hazmat bag to throw it away in.
“Holy shit! That stuff’s deadly,” I shout out, startling Jaggar who then begins moving his arms and legs around as if he’s swimming in the Atlantic ocean. The entire room is filled with laughter, not mine, and I give them all a scathing look. Stella hands me wipes as the diaper lays open between my legs. Just then, a stream of piss leaves my boy and hits me square in the chest. Luckily, I moved my head back so none managed to get on my face… it was a close call though. He’s got aim, that’s for damn sure.
“Fuck, did you see the arch on that one?” Gunner says through laughter. “That boy deserves a gold medal.”
Stella, who hasn’t stopped laughing, is wiping the tears from her cheeks. “Guess I should’ve warned you to put a cloth over him… huh?” She continues to snicker and my boy smiles at me as if he’s proud of giving his old man a golden bath.
“You think that’s funny, do you?” I ask him, to which his face brightens, I’m gonna have to keep one eye open at all times with this little one around.
“That shit’s not funny, it’s fucking hilarious,” Gun spews.
“Just you
wait until Cameron births a son, I’m gonna remind you of this shit right here. Payback is a bitch, Gun, just remember that for when your time comes,” I state, with mischievous intent.
Stella
I share with them about the first time I changed Jaggar. I wasn’t as lucky as Kruger just was, he peed right in my mouth. I must’ve brushed my teeth and gargled ten times and could still taste it.
We spend the day with me teaching Kruger how to change Jaggar, feed him, and make his bottles. By the time they leave, he’s a pro at it. When visiting hours are up, I begin to hysterically cry, knowing that it’ll be hours before I get to spend more time with them. “Don’t worry, Stella. In a few short days we’ll be leaving here and heading home. There won’t be a night that you won’t have our boy once we break you out of this joint,” Kruger says, attempting to pacify me.
“I’ll need to pack my belongings first,” I defeatedly state, knowing that even the small movements of packing will hurt. I’m healing, bruises are already beginning to lighten up on my skin, but there isn’t one movement I make that I don’t feel pain from. They had to remove my spleen, and my right leg, my dominant leg, is sprained at the knee and ankle. I have a minor head injury and my wrist is bound. I have a long road of recovery ahead of me, but the doctors are optimistic, so I choose to think along the same line as they are. I won’t be able to fully care for Jaggar on my own for awhile, but at least Kruger’s around to help me out on that one. As well as Cameron, and I know for a fact that Charlee’s gonna mother hen me to death.
“Don’t worry about your shit, we’ll take care of it for you. All you need to concentrate on is getting out of here,” Kruger says, bringing me out of my reverie.
“Don’t go exploring through my underwear drawer,” I tease him as I wipe away a stray tear.
“Wouldn’t dream of it, Stella,” he deadpans, but I know that he’ll do it anyways. Kruger has a thing for undergarments, I never have understood his fascination with them, but have learned to just accept it. I caught him once just looking through them and lifting each item up and inspecting it. I gave him hell for doing it, but secretly it gave me a thrill that he wanted to. I used to wonder if he’d look at me and imagine which piece I was wearing underneath my clothing.
They end up keeping me another week. Only because I ended up with a slight infection that gave me a fever. It was a small one, but enough to ensure that I’d be spending some time with them. Gunner, Cameron, Kruger and Jaggar stayed the week and visited me every day. I wasn’t allowed to hold my son, but at least I got to lay eyes on him. I had to wear a mask for safety reasons when they’d visit, but I understood the need to protect my boy and myself. Any reason to get the hell out of there quicker, I took and did what was required of me.
Today is the day I’m being released, and I’m so happy that I keep dancing in the bed. I’m waiting for my ride out of here, Jaggar apparently had a blow out that kept them back. He needed a bath; when Cameron called me to tell me about it, in very vivid detail, I could actually see the look on Kruger’s face. According to Cam, shit was up his back and in his hair. His clothes were soiled and there wasn’t an inch of his body that wasn’t covered in poop. So, Gunner was giving Kruger lessons in bathing the baby and Cameron was giving me the play by play details as they both were apparently gagging in the midst of cleaning Jaggar, who was having a good time if his peels of baby laughter were anything to go by. I could hear him through the phone line and the closed bathroom door. I could see it all playing out in my mind's eye.
Another hour passes by before they come barreling into my room. Kruger has a look of frazzlement plastered on his face. When I burst out into laughter, he points a finger in my direction and raises his eyebrows at me. “Not funny, don’t wanna hear anything from you, woman.” Those words of outburst only cause Cameron and I to laugh even harder.
“Mane’s never done that before, have you my sweet angel,” Gunner coos at his daughter. “She’s perfect.”
“So’s my boy,” Kruger states in a tone that dares anyone in the room to argue with him on.
“How’d your first night go, Daddy?” I inquire, holding back the mirth from my tone.
“Did you know our boy snores?” he asks me, to which yes, I very much know he does. Just like his daddy.
“Hmm, wonder where he gets that from?” I ask him with sarcasm laced in my words.
“Are you saying I snore, woman?” Kruger playfully questions.
“Yep, you were sawing logs the one night we spent together,” I state, then clamp my mouth shut. He doesn’t even remember that one spectacular time we spent with one another. It’s something that doesn’t need to be brought up now. I’d like to keep myself surrounded in my imaginary bubble that everything is copacetic in my life. I know that it’s not necessarily true, but I’m gonna enjoy the peacefulness that I’m currently feeling. I know that when the gloves come off, and we argue this shit out, I’m gonna feel the blows of his words. One thing I can say about Kruger, is that he has a way of shredding you into pieces with his sharp tongue.
My nerves don’t skyrocket within me until I’m strapped into Kruger’s truck with Jaggar set between us. He only has a one bench truck, but it’s enough room for the three of us to ride comfortably. “Guess I’m gonna need to get a bigger truck,” he states, but I’m not sure if he’s actually talking to me or himself; so I keep quiet and stare out the window as he puts the truck in drive.
“We’ll have to stop every couple of hours to change and feed Jaggar and allow me to stretch my legs some,” I blatantly say, trying to sound aloof. The tension in the truck can be cut with a knife. It's so thick, but I’m trying to make things as easy on both of us as possible by talking about useless things. And stretching my legs and taking care of Jaggar was the first thing that popped into my mind.
“Gun will have to stop for Mane too, it’s no big deal.” He shrugs his shoulders as he says this. When did things become so awkward between us? Oh yeah, dumbass, it was as soon as y’all had sex and he drunkenly started spewing shit about maintaining our friendship and how it could never go beyond that. I cried for an hour after he fell asleep that night, then got up and headed to my room. The next morning, he didn’t seem to remember our time together so I tried to shrug it off. It was a lot harder to do than I initially thought it’d be. And when he did ‘interviews’ for the new club sluts, I understood my place in his life. It was the nail in the coffin and what sent me back home with my heart decimated.
I vowed to myself that I’d never again have sex with a drunken man ever again. It’s not worth the heartache and pain that follows in its wake. I had never felt so humiliated in all of my life, and that’s saying something considering my mom would’ve sold me for a joint back in the day. And my dad, I have no clue who he is and neither does my mom if she’s speaking the truth. She was a bit of a wild one as a teenager and I was the result of her partying ways.
Pot meet kettle.
Like mother, like daughter, I presume, although, I only slept with Kruger because I fancied myself in love with him. Still do it seems. Jaggar was made out of love and friendship, whereas I was made from two dope heads having a night of free love. It’s nearly the nineties and my son and I are still considered bastards… I hope that frame of thinking changes soon, I don’t want my son growing up with the same title that was bestowed upon me.
The kids all knew I didn’t have a dad and shoved it in my face as often as they could. When it came time for the father-daughter dances and I wasn’t present, they’d all make sure I knew about the fun I’d missed out on. Kids can be cruel, but they only express what they’ve overheard from the grownups in their lives. I recognize that now that I’m older, but it still doesn’t ease the pain that the little girl inside of me still harbors.
5
Stella
The last trip I made to Texas I was injured, this time I am as well. It’s sad that the only drive down I’ve made is due to me being damaged and hurt. The trip is just as jarri
ng this time as it was the last, and I’ve had to bite my tongue on several occasions due to the roughness of the road. Texas potholes are more like mini ditches in the road, you feel them from the roots of your hair to the bottom of your feet. My aches have aches, and my body feels as if it’s been roughed up in the ring by the title holder. My bruises scream in protest with every shift and movement of my body.
“We’re almost there,” Kruger informs me as I once again try to find a more comfortable seated position. There’s no laying back in the truck in an attempt to get my limbs stretched out. I can’t lay across the bench because Jaggar’s in the middle, so I’ve tried the fetal position, turning from side to side, none of it seems to work. But I’ve done everything I can to keep my discomfort to myself. It’s not his fault that his truck doesn't have enough room to stretch out… I’m just thankful for the help he’s going to be providing me until I’m one hundred percent back to myself.
“Sorry,” I sheepishly say, feeling horrible that he’s noticed me trying to switch positions the way I have been.
“What’re you sorry for, Stella? If I’d been thinking before jumping into my truck, I’d have grabbed the van so you’d be more comfortable. My only thought was getting to you and Jaggar. Do we need to pull over so you can stretch out some?”
“How much longer do we have?” I ask as that will be the determining factor in the way I answer his question.
“Forty-five minutes tops, that’s if we hit traffic,” he answers as he shifts his eyes over in my direction.
“I can hold off, Kruger.” As I finish saying those words, I look down at my watch and realize that it’s time for me to take another pain pill. Grabbing the pill bottle from the diaper bag, which is sitting next to me, I pull them out then look at the cup holder and realize my drink is empty. “Do uh, do you happen to have anything I can drink to swallow this?”
Shattered Trust : DreamCatcher MC Page 4