“No, there’s a gas station off the next exit ramp, we’ll pull over and grab something; it’ll give you a reason to get out and stretch your legs while I go in and grab you a soft drink.” Typical Kruger response, he gets his way, I could see his mind turning, trying to come up with a way to force me to get out and walk the aches away.
“Thanks,” I reply, not knowing if I should reprimand him and tell him to keep going. Jaggar’s due for a diaper change and feeding within the next hour. As we pull off the interstate, my son’s eyes pop open at the change of speed. He begins whining and I know that he’ll be getting fed and changed as soon as we stop. It’s close enough to his schedule to not make too much of a difference. Plus, it gives me a chance at some one-on-one time with him while Kruger fuels up and grabs us drinks.
Just as I predicted, he pulls up to the pump. As soon as the truck is shut off, Jaggar begins wailing. He’s a speed demon it appears, he takes after his daddy in that aspect. He needs to feel the road underneath him to get any good sleep.
Kruger reaches over and unstraps our boy out of his seat and begins bouncing him in his arms. “I’ll get him changed while you get his bottle ready, sound good?” How can I deny this to him, I nod my head, open the door and step out, grabbing the side of the truck so I can hobble around. Kruger’s become an expert in the last week when it comes to changing diapers, it’s as if he’s done it Jaggar’s entire life. I get his powder mixed in with the water from his bottle and shake it thoroughly. If it wouldn’t be such a pain, I’d walk around, but right now, with my knee and ankle sprained, that’s not possible. I have crutches, though, for when we get to the clubhouse, so at least I won’t be totally dependent on everyone. “You can’t stand up and feed him, want me to take him with me and feed him while you stretch some more?” I know he’s being thoughtful, and I do appreciate his helpfulness, but I really do want to do this.
“Nah, I’ll sit back down and feed him. I’m feeling better already with the small movements I’ve made.” He looks at me reluctantly, then sighs and nods his head in understanding.
Kruger
I hand Jaggar off to Stella after she gets resituated in the truck. Once I make sure she’s good to go, I head off toward the store to grab drinks and prepay for my gasoline. “Stubborn, hard-headed woman,” I grumble underneath my breath as I march my way toward the store. “She’s never gonna recover at this rate.”
“Stella giving you fits?” Gunner asks, coming up behind me. I twirl around and nearly knock his lights out with my fist.
“It’s a bad idea to sneak up behind a man on a mission,” I seethe as I turn around and walk through the door.
“Fucker, I’d be on my deathbed before you’d get the best of me,” Gunner snickers like a damn schoolgirl.
“Ya think,” I mumble as I head for the cooler in the back.
“Oh, I know… what’s got your feathers ruffled anyways?” he asks me.
“Did ya not hear me rumbling about that hard-headed woman?” I question him as I reach in and grab her favorite soft drink.
“Yeah, but that doesn’t explain what she did this time,” he continues.
“Fucking woman is never gonna recover if she doesn’t release those reins and let others help her stubborn ass out. She needs to stretch; she’s been shifting around in the truck like a caged animal. She’s hurting, yet wouldn’t let me bring Jaggar in with me and feed him while she loosens up.” I vent, all while wondering what the issue was with me bringing our boy in the store with me. “Does she not trust me? It’s not as if I’m miles away with him and she couldn’t help me out if I needed her to. Not that I would, I’ve been taking care of him for a week on my own and he’s still breathing. I’ve remembered to water him and feed him. He’s been bathed daily, sometimes more than once, changed and I’ve kept to his routine. I just don’t understand what the damn problem is.”
“You just said what the problem is. She wanted some time with Jaggar, she’s not used to sharing him and his needs with others. She’s been doing it all on her own, I think she’s done pretty well with giving up control. She hasn’t bitched one time when she’s had that longing look in her eyes for y’alls boy to be in her arms instead of yours. Give her a break and cut her some slack. I know you’re still understandably upset about the turn of events and her keeping him from you, but she’s trying. Give her the same courtesy, Kruger.”
As Gunner admonishes me for feeling the way I do, I turn around and angrily ask him, “And if Cameron had succeeded in keeping Mane from you the way she originally intended, you’d what? Toss her a damn cookie and all would be forgiven?”
“Different circumstances all together and you know it.” He gives me an evil glare and takes a fighting stance.
“Different maybe, but the end results would’ve been the same. You’d have never seen Mane come into this world, you’d have missed her first cries, growth spurts and all that shit. But I’m supposed to act as if none of it took place and forgive her just like that?” I snap my fingers and emphasize the last word.
“I’m not saying that at all… just that things were difficult all the way around. You dismissed her and forgot your night together, or so I’m presuming. She felt abandoned and betrayed, brother, and she lashed out the only way she could. She protected herself. You would’ve done the exact same thing had you been in her position.”
“We’re gonna have to agree to disagree with that one, Gun,” I state as I place my purchases up on the counter.
“You have a chance to be part of it all from this day forward, don’t throw it away with your anger, Kruger. Be there for both of them, show her how wrong she was for keeping him from you and love that boy the way he deserves. That’s all I’m trying to get at here.” In my rational thoughts, he’s right, but my anger is still present. I missed her round with my child, I missed the delivery, the nights of changing his pants and feeding him. Helping her recover from birthing him… it fucking kills me that I wasn’t there, that she didn’t trust me enough. If nothing else, we were friends… good friends.
Stella
Cameron comes up to me, where I’m sitting in the truck with the door wide open, while feeding Jaggar. “So, have you and Kruger had a chance to hash things out?” she asks, not holding back; she rips that band aid off, without any further thought.
“No, and we won’t talk about anything that can get us riled up while Jaggar’s in the truck with us. We’ll never fight with him in our proximity.”
“Is that a mutual thing the two of you talked about, or are you presuming that’s why he hasn’t confronted you?” I know she means well, but I can hear the anger toward me as she asks me these questions.
“It’s mutual… we didn’t discuss it, but it’s a given. Seems he’s not the only one holding a grudge against me.” I lift my eyes up and look at her through my lashes.
“Oh no, my dear. I’m pissed, ready to rip you a new asshole, but I figure that will come in time,” she states as she shushes Mane and pats her diapered butt. Once the baby quiets down and falls back to sleep, she continues, “Food for thought, whatever made you think I wouldn’t be there for you? I would’ve kept your secrets and been there for you as you needed me. I’m your friend, always.”
“But… you also have an old man that would’ve throttled you had you known and not told him. In turn, he would’ve had to tell Kruger because of their bond, and I wasn’t ready to face him. Still am not, but there’s no going back from here.”
“Then you don’t know me as well as you thought you did. There’s plenty of secrets I hold that Gunner knows nothing about,” she states, and this time, it’s hurt, not anger I hear coming from her mouth.
“Oh yeah?” Gunner states, sneaking up on us, “and what secrets would those be, my lovely wife?”
“Jesus Christ, where the hell did you come from?” Cameron dramatically asks him, clutching Mane closer to her chest. I’m not sure if it’s from surprise and fear, or if it’s a protection thing… Gunner would never
go through their daughter to get his hands on her.
“The store, right over there,” Gunner says with a smirk.
“You’re an asshole, Gunner,” Cameron hisses at her husband.
“Don’t be a crude bitch, Cameron. I don’t want my daughter growing up talking like her mother and aunt.” Gun’s got a don’t argue with me look, but Cameron’s eyes alight in mischief.
“I’m so telling your sister you said that,” she says as she winks at me and turns on the balls of her feet to head back to their vehicle.
“Charlee’s gonna own your balls, Gunner,” I snicker while saying this.
“Shush you,” Gunner says as he points a finger at me. “Don’t join their club, Stella.” With that, he follows his old lady.
“What club is he talking about?” I ask Kruger, as I lift Jaggar up on my shoulder and burp him. Something that’s easier said than done with this brace on my wrist. Jaggar’s a big boy, bigger than his percentile should be on the growth charts. Not just his weight either, his length and circumferences show that he’s ahead by at least two months. Then again, he was above average from the day he was born, so this is no surprise to me nor his pediatrician.
“The pain in the ass club,” Kruger informs me as he pops the top of the can. He trades me, taking Jaggar from my arms so that I can take my pill.
“I’m telling,” I singsong as I watch him walk around the front of the truck with my life in his hands. When you have a child, they never tell you it’s as if your heart has been detached from your body and is in your little one’s body. Nothing belongs to you anymore; it all belongs to them. I never understood that more than I did after our accident. Matthew pops in my mind as I swallow then choke.
“You alright?” he asks as he buckles Jaggar into his seat.
“Fine, just went down the wrong way,” I lie, not believing for one second that Kruger would be up for talking about the man in my life who lost his. I miss him desperately, he was my closest confidant, he understood me like no one ever has. Losing him was like losing a part of myself. We may not have been soul mates, but he was the closest person I had in my life.
We get buckled in, then get back on the interstate… the whole way to the compound, my thoughts are all about Matthew and what could’ve been.
6
Kruger
The cab was full of welcoming silence the rest of the way home. There’s plenty to say, but none of which I want brought up in front of our son. He may be little and not understand, but he’ll feel the tension and there’s no way I’ll do that to his little body. As we pull into the gates, Charlee and Country are the first ones I see. Should’ve known that Charlee would have some sort of radar when it comes to us pulling in. She reminds me of her ma in that aspect, that woman always had a sense of her man and when he’d been getting home. We’d always pull up to a home cooked meal and a cold beer waiting for us.
She walks over to Stella’s side of the truck and rips open the door. “You and me, we need to talk, but I’ll let you get a good night's sleep first. Now, let me see my nephew,” Charlee states to Stella.
“Looking forward to it,” Stella mumbles. All the while, I’m unstrapping Jaggar and getting out of the truck with him.
“Stop right there, Kruger,” Charlee hisses, fists firmly planted on her hips with her brows raised.
“Don’t you have your own son to tend to?” I ask her, not wanting to release the hold I have on my boy.
“He’s asleep, now hand over the kid and your balls will stay intact. Plus, Stella needs help getting herself and her things up to her room.” I roll my eyes at her, not because of what she said, but because she’s right, and I hate it when she is. She’ll rub that shit in your face for days.
“Don’t threaten my balls, Charlee. Not if you want me to hand my son over to you. You’ll never get your way with threats of that nature,” I protest as I gently place Jaggar in Charlee’s outstretched arms. “Easy, Charlee. Make sure you support his head, he’s a bit wobbly.”
“I’ve had a kid before, Kruger. Jesus,” she flabbergastingly hisses in my direction. Her outrage would be funny any other time, but that flew out the window as soon as my boy made it into her embrace.
“Let me help ya grab Stella and Jaggar’s things,” Country says, trying to break the stare off his wife and I are having.
“My things are back there too, you asshole,” I say to him as I walk around and help Stella get down from the truck. She was able to do it herself earlier, but she appears to be stiff as a board right now. I hand her the crutches the hospital gave her then steady her while she gets them in place.
“Get your own shit, asshole,” he yells over to me with a smile.
“Your wife and I have precious cargo, the least you can do is put those things you call muscles to use.” As soon as the words were out of my mouth, Stella’s throat hitches as she looks up at me with water in her eyes. “We may not be a couple, Stella, but you're just as precious to me now, even more so, as you were before. This shouldn’t surprise you.”
“You surprise me every time I see you, Kruger,” she hesitantly says as she places her hand in my outstretched one.
“I’m not always a good man, Stella, but I’m a loyal one… something I thought you knew about me.”
“You are a good man, Kruger. I was just hurting and didn’t think about you or your feelings. I won’t ever be able to apologize enough for what I put you through.” I should be gloating right now, but all I can think about is a cold beer and my bed.
“Do you want Jaggar in my room or yours?” I ask, changing the topic of conversation. I’m not good at the emotional shit, but for her, the mother of my son, I’m gonna try. I want to be in a good place mentally before she and I discuss the past.
“I’d like to say mine, but I worry that I won’t be able to get to him without struggling.” She looks as if she’s struggling to let him go for even another night.
The words that come from me shock not only her, but me as well. “You can sleep in my room tonight. The bed’s big, we won’t even touch each other.”
“Are you sure?” she asks, biting her bottom lip. Memories surface of the way I’d always wanna suck that bottom lip of hers in my mouth anytime she’d do this.
“Yeah,” I say, clearing my throat. “Let’s get you inside and settled. The girls can help you take a shower if you need one.”
“Do I ever,” she teases as she leans down and sniffs her shirt. “I smell like a pig that’s been rolling around in a mud pit.”
“Known many pigs in your life, have ya?” I laugh the question out, trying to lighten the mood.
“More than I can count on my fingers and toes,” she giggles. I can’t help but wonder if I’m included in that category. But I shake it off and assist her into the clubhouse and then carry her up the stairs to our room. My room.
Fuck, I may very well be screwed if my line of thinking keeps going down this road. It’s a slow progression to my room, but we make it in time to see Charlee changing Jaggar’s diaper and talking to him. She’s introducing herself and telling him all about his aunts, uncles and cousins. When she tells him that he’s going to be loved so much, Stella chokes up and I swear there’s mist forming in my eyes.
Fucking emotions. They always seem to sneak up on me when it comes to Stella and Jaggar. I’m not supposed to care so deeply for a woman, it’s been ingrained in me from my first breath, but she sneaks past all of my defenses.
I can’t give that part of me away again. Fool me once that’s my fault, but I’ll never allow it to happen a second time. My walls are up and my heart is guarded… I think.
Stella
For yet another time today, as I listen to Charlee talking to Jaggar, I regret not coming forward with my bouncing baby boy. I stole this family away from him due to my selfishness. I should’ve never put myself first, it should’ve always been about him and nothing else. What kind of mother am I to have done this to him and Kruger? I stole something precious fro
m the both of them. Something I’ll never be able to give back to them. Closing my eyes, I try to count to ten to diminish some of the thoughts running rampant in my mind.
There’s nothing worse than when you loathe yourself for decisions you made without any input from the wounded party. I should’ve pulled up my big girl panties and called Kruger, at least giving him the option if he wanted to be part of Jaggar’s life or not, that’s something I’ll have to deal with for the rest of my life… guilt, it’s a nasty feeling but one I’m harboring to the depths of my soul. I didn’t have evil intent when I kept them apart, I was licking my wounds and healing my heart. But will they ever forgive me for keeping them apart? Somehow, I feel that they will forgive, but they’ll never forget… even as small as Jaggar is, he has to know I’ve kept something important away from him.
He and his daddy have a bond, one that grew quickly over the week they spent together, now when Jaggar’s eyes light up, it’s from his dad’s voice… not gonna lie, I’m a bit jealous, even though I’ve had him every day from the moment I knew he was nestled in my womb. I felt his first movements without sharing that with another soul, the first time he kicked, I didn’t get to gloat with anyone else over his progress.
I stole all of that and more from Kruger.
I’m a special kind of bitch.
“Whatever you’re thinking, now’s not the time,” he leans over and whispers into my ear. He always has this sixth sense of knowing what I’m thinking and feeling… it’s sort of creepy when you think about it.
“Are you able to read my mind or something?” I inquire as I turn my head around so I can look him in the eyes.
“No, but everything you feel and think is plastered on your face,” he admits to me.
Shattered Trust : DreamCatcher MC Page 5