The Single Mums' Book Club

by Victoria Cooke

  I pause. There’s no easy way to tell someone something like this. I glance at the French doors – the blackness intensifying. The thought of having to make my way home now it’s so dark makes me feel faint. When I look back at Edward, he’s waiting with patience. ‘I …’ I get no further. He doesn’t prompt me; instead his eyes search mine with imploring sincerity, putting me at ease. ‘Okay. The thing is, ever since I lost my mum, I’ve been scared of going out in the dark.’

  His Adam’s apple bobs and he squeezes my shoulders gently. ‘That’s nothing to be embarrassed of. You’d been through unimaginable trauma.’

  ‘I know. But still.’ I swallow back rising emotion. ‘It’s consuming sometimes, the fear I mean. I carry a personal alarm with me everywhere I go. I can just about cope with a taxi ride home from Manchester if it’s not too late and roads are busy but the thought of getting a cab home from this house in the middle of nowhere at this time terrifies me.’

  He hugs me tight against his body. ‘Oh, Steph. Stay the night. I won’t try any funny business and I’ll drop you off home in the morning or I’ll take a cab with you and come home. Whatever you want to do is fine with me. I want you to feel safe.’

  I stare into his eyes and I believe him. I do feel safe.

  It’s a relief to peel off the soggy dress in the cramped downstairs toilet. The linen has gone stiff with damp and it’s shrink-wrapped itself to my body. My carefully teased waves have frizzed up too, but fortunately I have one of Ava’s hair ties in my handbag. Her blonde hairs are tangled around it and I get a pang of guilt as I gather my hair up and scrape it back. The pyjamas are Christmas Batman-themed and they’re huge. The waist tie pulls tight enough that the bottoms shouldn’t be subject to an embarrassing wardrobe malfunction of any sort. When I’m ready, I head back to the kitchen.

  Edward is adding milk to the coffees and when he looks up his eyes fall over me. ‘God, you look good even in Batman pyjamas.’

  I walk over to the island and sit on a stool to mask any visible signs of discomfort and he slides my coffee across.

  ‘You don’t like compliments, do you?’ His eyes are intent on mine, zapping me with their weird magnetic energy.

  I look down at the counter, tracing the veins in the marble with my index finger. ‘I suppose I’m not used to them. I see myself as a frumpy mum so I guess the few I’ve ever had have never felt justified.’

  He walks around the island and stands next to me. Then, gently tilts my head upwards, forcing our eyes to meet. ‘You’re far from frumpy. I wish you could see yourself as others do or at least as I do. You’re beautiful.’

  He puts his soft lips on mine and electricity runs through the entire length of my body. I pull him closer, wanting more, and before I know it his warm hands are sliding up my Batman top. He pauses.

  ‘Is this okay?’

  There’s no coming back from this. No light-hearted brush-offs. If we do this it will change what we are forever.

  I nod, not needing to give it a second thought.

  Chapter 39

  ‘Anyway, you’re full of the joys of spring. What are you so chirpy about?’ Janey asks. She popped in to borrow my carpet cleaner but that was an hour and twenty minutes ago and she’s still here drinking tea. She and Jimmy told the children about the break-up yesterday and whilst it went as well as it possibly could have, I get the impression she’s after a distraction. She’s explained how it went and stated quite clearly that she doesn’t want to talk about it anymore. Jimmy is taking the kids to pick out furniture for his new flat today so they feel involved and I think she’s starting to feel the magnitude of it all.

  ‘Nothing.’ I can’t help the grin that breaks on my face. It’s reminiscent of two tectonic plates pulling apart and you can probably see it from space.

  ‘Okay, well it’s clear there’s something you’re not telling me and I’m not buying the whole drinks with Emily line. You saw her last week and she’s coming to the book club meeting tonight so I just have this to say: whatever you’re up to, be careful and use a condom.’ She sips her tea, peering at me comically from above the rim of her cup.

  ‘Hey!’ I chuck a tea towel at her but she bats it away and it falls to the floor pathetically.

  ‘Okay, I’ve hit a nerve and you’ll tell me when you’re good and ready but know this: I’m on the neighbourhood watch and I did see you come home in a cab this morning. As a concerned neighbour, I couldn’t help but notice you had a nice dress on. It wasn’t your usual attire.’

  ‘Fine, Miss Marple. Something happened but I’m not ready to talk about it.’

  ‘That’s fine.’ She breaks into an excited grin. ‘Was he any good?’

  ‘Where’s that bloody tea towel when I need it?’

  ‘Oh come on. It’s only me.’

  I go to open my mouth but the doorbell rings and I wink instead.

  Janey lets out a puff of air. ‘I suppose I’d better go and clean the carpets. I’ll see you later for the book club.’

  ‘See you later. Oh, and Janey, please can we keep this conversation between us?’

  She laughs. ‘I wouldn’t know what to tell anyone anyway.’

  As I answer the door, Janey slips past the throng of Mike, Ralph, Ava and Henry and there’s an exchange of pleasantries. As Mike and the kids burst in, I feel a giddy light-headedness.

  ‘Who fancies pancakes?’ I ask. Ralph raises his eyebrows in surprise. Pancakes are usually reserved for special occasions such as Christmas and birthdays or a royal visit but today I’m in the mood to do something nice.

  As I gather flour and eggs, I turn to Mike. ‘Fancy staying for some pancakes? I have maple syrup – the proper one not the “maple-syrup flavoured” stuff.’

  He checks his watch and for a moment, I think he’s going to say no. ‘Yes, that sounds good.’

  I decide to make the thick, fluffy American kind so when it comes to flipping they’re less of a challenge. Ralph flips his successfully and we all cheer. Then Ava has a turn and hers barely leaves the pan and lands the same way up so we try again. This time she cracks it and we all cheer again.

  ‘Your turn,’ I say to Mike.

  ‘Easy,’ he says, taking the handle of my non-stick frying pan. ‘One, two, three.’

  He flips it so hard it hits the ceiling and bounces off, hitting the floor. We all burst out laughing. When the laughter dies down, I pour some more batter in and he has another try.

  ‘How about you give it a bit less welly this time, Dad,’ Ralph says.

  Mike and I look at one another and Mike mouths ‘Dad?’

  ‘I know,’ I whisper, widening my eyes in shock. ‘Our big boy is growing up.’

  When the pancakes have gone and five bellies are groaning, I make some fresh coffee. I offer Mike one, sure he’ll say he has to dash off but to my surprise, he says he’d love to stay. The kids suggest a game of hide-and-seek and Mike is designated ‘seeker’. As the house fills with the sound of stomping feet and shrieks of laughter, it dawns on me that whilst it isn’t exactly what I’d planned, perhaps I do have my dream family after all.

  ***

  Janey and Amanda arrive early for our book club meeting. ‘We thought you might be nervous, what with Emma coming.’

  ‘Emily,’ I correct. ‘And no, I’m not.’

  ‘We are,’ Amanda says. ‘I’m not good with new people and I haven’t heard great things about Emily.’

  ‘That’s because everything you know about her came from Janey.’ I shoot Janey a look. ‘Let’s just be nice and see how it goes.’

  I pour us each a glass of Pinot Grigio and put some nibbles out on the coffee table.

  As Janey and Amanda go to sit down, the doorbell rings. ‘Okay, best behaviour.’

  Janey makes a scout’s honour gesture and Amanda gives a small, reassuring smile.

  ‘Hi, Emily,’ I say, swinging the door open.

  ‘Hi, Stephanie.’ She looks frailer than usual. I’m sure the divorce is taking its toll. A co
py of Little Women is tucked under her arm and she’s holding a bottle of Prosecco in her free hand.

  ‘Come in,’ I say beckoning her with a friendly smile. ‘The others are in the lounge.’

  She steps in timidly. After an awkward introduction, we have a slightly laboured discussion of the book. Amanda saves the conversation with her in-depth analysis of the women’s struggle between family obligation and personal growth.

  Emily adds something about Jo and the danger of gender stereotyping, which is interesting. I’m listening but mostly I’m sitting on eggshells just hoping the new dynamic works.

  Janey clears her throat and everyone looks at her. ‘What really stuck out for me was the theme of honesty and the importance of being genuine. When Amy turns down Fred’s offer of marriage it struck a chord with me because …’ Her voice wobbles and she looks at me. I give her a nod of encouragement but don’t want to take over.

  ‘Even though Fred is rich and he can give her a good life, she says no because she doesn’t love him. Well, Jimmy isn’t rich …’ Amanda and Emily both look confused. ‘But staying with him was an easier option. We could share the bills and coast along but I realised that I wasn’t being honest with myself. Our relationship wasn’t genuine. How could it be when he cheated on me? I don’t want the children to think a marriage like ours is normal.’

  ‘Are you saying you’ve left Jimmy?’ Amanda asks. Janey nods and starts to cry gentle sobs. Amanda embraces her whilst Emily sips her drink awkwardly. After some comforting, Janey dries her eyes and we spend some time talking through the logistics of separation. Amanda’s experience of sudden loss is surprisingly useful and she has plenty of practical advice to offer. Emily chips in now and then with a few comments but I think she senses how different her life is to Janey’s.

  ‘We should call ourselves The Book Club of Waifs and Strays,’ I joke when we’re washing the glasses in the kitchen a little later.

  ‘How about The Single Mums’ Book Club? Seriously,’ Janey replies. ‘Now we’re bigger, we should have a name.’

  I laugh. ‘Does this mean you think Emily is all right?’

  ‘I actually felt a bit sorry for her. She seems so lost.’

  ‘She’s spent the last twenty years not wanting for anything. Her house had staff for goodness’ sake. She’s probably had to venture into the kitchen for the first time in forever – that’s why she’s lost – probably never been in there before.’

  Janey raises her eyebrows. ‘That sounds like something I’d say.’

  ‘I’m sorry. I do feel sorry for her but I just got a little pang of the pain I felt when they all ditched me.’

  Janey pulls me into a hug. ‘But you found me.’

  ‘I did.’ I rest my head on her shoulder. ‘And I’m not the same as they are. I can rise above it and be kind.’

  ‘Good for you. A shag really has done you the world of good.’

  ‘I didn’t shag anyone … we just … Being around him may have put me in good spirits.’ I smile and nudge her with my hip before heading back through to the lounge. As I walk in, Emily is standing up and gathering her things.

  ‘I’m going to set off but thank you so much for inviting me.’ She shuffles her weight from foot to foot.

  ‘Are you sure you want to go? I’ve just opened the bottle of Prosecco you brought.’

  Her eyes fall to the tray of flutes I’m holding.

  ‘Yes, stay,’ Amanda adds, probably glad of someone to raise the level of book-related conversation.

  Emily clutches the strap on her handbag tighter and looks down at the coffee table. Her lips twitch as though she wants to say something but doesn’t quite know how.

  ‘Is everything all right?’ I ask as Janey comes in wittering something about Amazon’s top one hundred books chart.

  ‘I …’ Emily glances at Janey and back to me with glossy eyes. ‘I was going to the loo and overheard something about the book club for waifs and strays and I think I’ve overstayed my welcome.’

  ‘Oh shit.’ I throw my head in my hands. ‘We didn’t mean you. We were talking about all of us. Janey was up to the eyeballs with her kids and found me blubbering in the supermarket one day; now she’s going through a break-up. A week or two after Janey found me, Amanda approached me in the café, hunting for new friends because she was lonely.’ Amanda’s eyes widen. ‘Well, it’s true and I’m so glad you did. What we meant is that, somehow, we were all at a bit of a loss and the book club has been an excuse to come together for a laugh and some companionship. We’re not the best book club in the world and sometimes we don’t even read the books but we always show up and we’re always here for one another.’

  ‘So have you named the club that?’ Emily asks, shifting uncomfortably.

  I shake my head. ‘In the end, we decided we should be called The Single Mums’ Book Club because that’s what we are and we shouldn’t be ashamed of that fact.’

  Emily sits down, slumping back into the soft cushions of the sofa, and fixes her eyes on the white marble fireplace.

  ‘You’re not a pity case,’ I continue then sigh, sitting on the arm of the sofa next to her. ‘Actually, you are a little bit, but the truth is we all are. That’s the point. If it’s high-brow discussions of literary fiction you’re after, we are not the club for you. But, if you like a book that Richard and Judy might pick and you want some company, some fun and plenty of wine, then I think we might be perfect.’

  She manages a weak smile. ‘Thank you, I think I’m going to quite like this book club.’

  Chapter 40

  Waking up early on a Monday morning is never fun. Waking up early on a Monday morning after sharing a few bottles of wine and tipsy tears is hell. I can categorically confirm this because it’s the exact scenario I’ve found myself in this morning.

  ‘Mummy,’ Ava shouts. ‘My cardigan has sauce on it.’

  I bury my head in my pillow and groan. You know those posts on Facebook that say things like: ‘I’m not adulting today.’ Why isn’t that a thing? We get work holidays by law because it’s too stressful to work every single day of the year. It’s about time that the powers that be realised that parenting should come with the same entitlement.

  ‘There’s a clean one in the utility room. Just brush your teeth.’ My phone’s alarm clock starts going off. Each high-pitched beat is a bubble of annoyance pricking at me. I lean over to turn it off and notice a message.

  I didn’t want to send a message yesterday as I knew you’d be spending time with your family but I can’t stop thinking about you. E xxx

  My stomach flips as I read the message again.

  ‘Mummy.’ Ava runs in and dives on top of me. There’s a dull thud as she knocks the air out of my lungs.

  ‘Ava, what have I told you about that? You’re too big to be chucking yourself around – you’ll hurt someone.’ She ignores me and picks up my phone.

  ‘Oh, a message. Who’s it from?’ she asks, frowning at the screen. ‘I d-i-d.’

  I snatch the phone back. ‘Nobody. Go and brush your teeth like I asked you to ten minutes ago.’

  She sulks off towards the bathroom and I lock the phone and place it screen down on the side whilst I go and have a quick shower.

  When I get to work, I have a few knots of apprehension about seeing Edward. I convince myself it’s normal to feel this way and force myself through the door. Carly shouts a cheerful ‘morning’ as I head straight to the kitchen in search of coffee. Thankfully, there’s a fresh pot brewed.

  ‘Morning, Steph.’ I turn to see Edward in the doorway, his tall frame filling the space. He’s in maroon scrubs today and they really bring out the dark depth of colour in his brown hair. I must admit, as smart as the tweed looks, I’m a sucker for the scrubs. ‘I hope the text message this morning wasn’t too much. I’m a bit hopeless at these things.’

  ‘No.’ I soften my features. ‘It was actually really nice to get a message like that. I couldn’t reply because Ava grabbed my phone and sta
rted to try and read the message. Fortunately, she’s barely grasped phonics.’ Am I seriously saying I’m thankful my child can’t read? I’ll have to process that later – probably whilst I’m panic-buying early reading books on Amazon.

  ‘Oh, Steph, I’m so sorry. I didn’t think. I thought so carefully about not causing any trouble on Sunday – I didn’t consider anything past that.’

  I smile softly and take a step closer. ‘The fact that you thought at all means a lot. Dealing with the logistics of this is more something I need to get used to.’

  ‘So …’ He traces his finger up my arm, leaving a tingling sensation in its wake. ‘Logistically, can we see each other again on Saturday?’

  ‘How about fish and chips in the park on Friday?’

  He frowns. ‘Okay.’

  I smile. ‘I know it’s not the most exciting of dates, but I was thinking I could bring the kids along. They already know you as my boss, but perhaps if they get to know you as my friend … and get to like you …’

  He kisses me softly, sparing me the awkwardness of the conversation. ‘I would love to but perhaps we could go one better.’

  I frown. ‘Bring them into the practice. They can meet some animals, see what it’s like to be a vet and then we’ll get something to eat after.’

  ‘Are you sure?’

  ‘Of course I am.’

  My insides are light and fluttery as I bite down a smile. ‘Then on Saturday, it can be my treat. How about I cook for you at my place? I do mean chicken nuggets, chips and beans.’

  The corners of his mouth twitch. ‘If you have Heinz ketchup, you’re on!’

  ‘Is someone getting the bacon butties in?’ Carly puts her hands on Edward’s arms and moves him out of the way before squeezing past.

  ‘Er …’ It takes me a second to catch up. She must have heard the ketchup comment. Great, now I’ll have to do a bacon sandwich run.

  ‘Yes, I think we all deserve a treat,’ Edward says. ‘I’ve got a gap between clients and thought I’d pop to the sandwich shop.’

  ‘Brilliant!’ Carly grins like the Cheshire cat. Who’d have thought that all this time, it would be processed meat that put a smile on her face.