Something I'm Waiting to Tell You

by Shravya Bhinder

  ‘Why would I do that?’ she asked the counter-question. I was expecting it and knew that any answer was bound to make the situation worse.

  I contemplated fleeing but where was I to go? I lived in her house. So, I decided to be honest. ‘Because he is better for Adira and you are friends with his mother.’

  ‘See, Ronnie, I do not like you a lot.’ Great! Thankfully she had more to add and I hoped that no more insults were coming my way, fingers crossed behind my back and prayers shooting up to the sky to every deity that I knew of. ‘But I know that you are right for her. I have seen the way you looked after her when I took a break from taking care of her in the hospital. Despite no hope of her complete recovery, you never left her side, visited her even when I told you not to, came over to Chandigarh leaving everything behind, and now are staying with us when I have not been the best of hosts. I am not blind. I see everything and understand love and care. I will not lie to you, Sid is a great guy and he likes her too. His mother is a good friend, and nothing will please me more than if he is a part of Adira’s life, but it is Adira’s life and not mine. I know I cannot force love on her. While I know that she is not completely sure of you yet, I also know that you are the one who will open her heart again. She is in a space where she needs time and you have been giving her that.’

  I could feel my cheeks burn now. Was she telling me all this or was I dreaming? I pinched myself a tad too hard and it hurt like hell. She was indeed there in person telling me all those things; now I could die in peace. I exhaled deeply and that was when she crushed my heart by saying, ‘I will not lie if I tell you that you are the best person for her, but you are the right person for her and sometimes being the best doesn’t matter. I know you cannot give her the life that I want for her where she doesn’t have to worry about money and the material things that one wants. But I know that you and she can make a life that has everything you need to make it beautiful and I have made my peace with that.’ So I was not the perfect choice according to her but I was perfect for Adira. I felt dizzy; she had a very complicated way of complimenting a person.

  ‘So you didn’t call Sid that evening, right?’ I asked her like a fool, and she just shrugged as if telling me, ‘You never know.’

  This woman was very complicated, and I now knew where Adira got it all from. But, like a fool, I wished that both the mother as well as the daughter would be a part of my life for life. I left the room grinning from ear to ear, and knocked on Adira’s door.

  ‘It’s open, Ma,’ she said, assuming it was her mother, so I told her that it was me. A few moments later, she opened the door a bit. It was ten in the morning and she was still in her PJs. Instantly, I was worried about her health as she never stayed in her nightclothes past eight and was very particular about it.

  ‘Are you okay?’ I asked, looking at her flushed cheeks. She looked as if she had a fever or something so my hand instantly touched her forehead. Her temperature appeared to be in the normal range, at least upon touching.

  ‘I am fine, was just playing with Samba,’ she said and gestured behind her. Her bed was a war zone; Samba lay there spent as if he had run a marathon under the sheets. His soft toys were all over the place.

  ‘Really?’ I asked the dog. He had been getting naughtier by the day since coming to this house. He liked all the attention he got, and I wondered if he would ever want to leave with me.

  Adira moved a little to give me some space and I walked into the room, our hands brushed ever so slightly and I felt goosebumps appear all over me. My body was behaving as if I was a teenager and I didn’t like it. I inhaled her scent as she walked past the place where I stood and hopped on to her bed. She still smelled the same, of her favourite perfume, British Rose. To me, she smelled like home. This was the first time I had stepped into the room in a while so, like a curious cat, I looked around as she flopped on her bed, slumping a little more than usual. Must have gotten hurt while wrestling the pooch. ‘Did you hurt your leg again?’ I asked her, eyeing the dog who was now shamelessly on his back giving her access to his tummy which she was happily rubbing for him.

  ‘Nah, just a light sprain,’ she said, following my vision. I was looking at the pair of white teddy bears that she had got for me after the accident. I saw her hang her head a little and let out a small sigh before she looked up and met my eyes. The energy in the room shifted and I knew that I was not the only one feeling it. It took me a couple of seconds to come out of the maze that her eyes were; I was almost lost in there for eternity. What was I here to talk to her about? I wondered and squinted my eyes trying to recall. She mirrored my expression and looked so cute that I wanted to tell her the same and see her blush. But I didn’t; I never do the right thing at the right time, and it turns out that this is the only thing that I am extremely good at! After a nanosecond, the fog in my brain cleared and I recalled I had to ask her about the movie.

  ‘Your mother is planning to go somewhere this evening. I was wondering if you would like to watch a movie with me?’ I asked her. She looked puzzled. ‘I mean, she is going out and asked me if you and I would like to watch a movie together, so I told her that I would ask you. I mean, I . . .’ I was rambling trying to explain.

  ‘Yes,’ she said softly. I stopped talking. We had been out countless times; been to movie theatres and watched dozens of movies while we were together. And yet, asking her for a movie that we planned to watch inside the house made me giddier, it made me more nervous and her ‘yes’ made me feel things in the pit of my stomach as if I were a teenager talking to my crush. The feeling was so funny that I loved it. She was looking straight at me.

  ‘Okay! Great,’ I said and turned on my heel. I had to check if we had enough popcorn and chips in the pantry. Then I stopped. ‘Which movie?’ I asked, realizing that we had only a few options on YouTube, Netflix and Amazon Prime. ‘The same one, The Notebook,’ she said.

  I felt my throat tighten, I had cried so many times after watching that movie and even ended up reading the book because of the nostalgia and emotions the film gave me. I was not sure if watching the same movie with her was a very good idea. ‘The same? Why?’ I could not help but wonder out loud.

  I saw her face fall and she looked like a lost child. ‘We were going to watch it together the last time and couldn’t. Also, it is one of my favourite movies,’ she shrugged. I am an ass disguised as a human.

  ‘I want to watch it again. I read the book, too, because I liked the movie so much,’ I told her honestly and her face changed. So, it was decided, we were re-watching The Notebook. I couldn’t wipe the crazy wide grin off my face as I looked around the kitchen to prepare a snack box.

  At around four in the evening, I heard her mother getting ready. While she took her time, I was a bundle of nerves, a mixed bag of nervousness, excitement, love, longing, with a hint of anticipation.

  As I saw Adira’s mother walk out of her study all ready to head out with her mask on her face, I decided to tap on Adira’s door to let her know that we were all set for the evening. My hands were exceptionally clammy so I stopped at the door to wipe them on my sweatpants when I heard her. Adira was humming. She sings only when she is happy and she was happy that evening. The thought gave me so much comfort that I have no words to describe what I felt. It was a gush of emotions and they were everything a person needs to feel as if they are flying. I pressed my ear to the door to figure out the song. I knew it had to be a Hindi song from the black and white era.

  I have great luck with bad luck. As soon as my ear touched the door, a pat came on my left shoulder. We were just the three of us living in the house as even the house help was not there due to COVID. Earlier, her mother used to do all the housework but ever since I had moved in, I was the unofficial maid. Not that I was complaining; her mother is an excellent cook and a little work around the house in exchange for such amazing free food was a good deal, to be honest.

  Coming back to the pat on my shoulder, I knew who it was before I even turned ar
ound. The hand belonged to the lady who cooked wonderful meals for me even though she didn’t like me much. I turned around to face her, feeling all my blood rushing towards my face and changing my colour to beet. ‘What do you think you are doing?’ she asked, with her eyes wider than I have ever seen. I could not just make up an excuse right there and then as most of my brain cells froze up when this woman was around me. ‘She is singing,’ I told her very gently, not making a noise loud enough to be heard by Adira on the other side of the door. Her mother squinted at me and that was my cue to lower my gaze and leave before I made her change her mind about letting both of us watch a movie alone in the house.

  Just before entering my room, I turned around to see if Adira’s mother was still giving me death glares when I saw the most beautiful sight. Adira’s mother stood at the same spot where I was standing earlier with her ear glued to the door and she had a smile on her lips. She too knew what her singing meant; her daughter was happy.

  Sometimes she is too much of everything—too sensitive, too generous, too intense, too adorable, too accepting. She is mad, the kind of mad that makes you fall in love and she doesn’t need much—some books to read, a warm touch, someone to love and to be loved.

  Adira

  I chose the movie, he got us snacks and just like that in the living room, we had our movie date. It was a new feeling to be with him all alone in the house, that too with my mother’s permission. I wanted to ask Mummy why but decided against it. She was willing to meet me halfway and I appreciated that. Any random and uncalled-for interrogation would have just spoiled everything and that was the last thing I wanted.

  At around five in the evening, Mummy went over to a friend’s house. They had a big garden and they planned to do a get-together with all the social distancing protocols in place. She kissed me goodbye and told me to enjoy the movie before going out. I closed the door behind her and Ronnie called out, ‘Has she gone?’ from his room.

  ‘Can you be a little quiet?’ I shouted back. ‘She must be just around the corner right now!’ When he peeped out, I was amazed at how happy his face looked because my mother had left the house. Just how much did these two hate each other?

  ‘She has gone, where is Samba?’ I asked him. I had not seen that guy since he left my bedroom in the afternoon.

  Ronnie walked out of his room with Samba in his arms, ‘This one? He just found out where his loyalties should lie. He loves me the most,’ he tried to tease me as Samba wriggled in his hold.

  ‘Ha ha, I know that we both know that Samba loves me more and he loves my mother the most,’ I told him, looking at his struggle to contain the dog in his embrace.

  ‘Whatever! We are waiting for you in the guest room,’ he said and turned on his heel to enter his room or as he called it, the ‘guest room’.

  ‘But I thought that we were watching it on the TV here,’ I said and followed him into the room. It was the first time I had entered the room since he had moved in and, to my surprise, it was very neat and clean. The single bed was made and on it was a laptop bed table. The side tables had been moved a little to align them with the laptop and were stacked with cola and snacks. He flicked the lights off and switched on the LED strip under the bed. Blue light slowly filled the room, making it dimly lit, yet there was enough light to allow us to see each other’s faces.

  ‘Not bad,’ I told him, patting his shoulder as I passed him and took a seat on the bed, propping my legs up and adjusting the cushions behind me. Samba followed me and I picked him up to make him sit next to me. Ronnie occupied the leftover space and a giggle escaped my mouth. He had made the place very cozy as well as beautiful for a date indoors. The movie started and we got lost in it, munching our way through some scenes and going back and forth in time. Our bodies relaxed and slowly our shoulders were touching and our feet were intertwined to make space for Samba who had dozed off. As the movie ended, so did the trance that we were in and we took in our surroundings. Mummy was not yet home and my head lay on Ronnie’s shoulder as I wiped my tears away.

  ‘I forgive you for all that you did, you said, and for everything else that you did not do but blame yourself for,’ I told him in a low voice.

  ‘I know forgiving me would not have been easy after . . .’ he left the sentence unfinished.

  ‘But I forgive you for I believe that what we had and what we have is bigger than everything. I have seen you for the past several months, the way you have been trying to win me over. No one else would have done that for me,’ I told him earnestly and raised my head to meet his gaze.

  Ronnie

  I blinked my eyes, unable to comprehend what she had just said. Did she say that she forgave me? So easily? I had hardly done anything to be worthy of her forgiveness. I was just in her life, waiting for her to forgive me without doing much and she, with her big heart, listened to my silent pleas and gave me just that—forgiveness!

  I let out a sigh, not on purpose but it just came out of me as if something heavy was trapped in me; it was weighing me down and I was now lighter by several pounds. She raised her eyes to meet mine and I could see that she meant what she said even when she told me that what we have ‘is bigger than all that we have gone through’, all that she had gone through, and all I had been a part of. We had immense love in our hearts for each other which was more than what I had ever imagined was needed to be with a person for life. And yet, we were not together.

  With some people, you do not need to say anything; they understand each movement of yours, they get to know everything you want just by looking into your eyes. Adira is that person for me, she knows me more than I know myself, she understands me better than anyone else. Her eyes tell me that she had seen me suffer as she struggled to recover over the last several months. Her gaze told me that, despite my shortcomings, she knew that I loved her like no one else loved anyone. A fraction of what we have is enough to last other people for a lifetime, such is our love.

  ‘Thank you,’ I told her and rubbed my palms over my eyes, a habit I had recently developed to hide my nervousness or anxiety. Honestly, I had never thought that this moment would come again in my life, but it did and now that we were talking about ‘us’ again, I was at a loss for words. My tongue felt as if a stone had been tied to it; I was overwhelmed, to say the least. As I rubbed my palms over my face and felt her lightly touch the back of my hands with her soft palms, I lowered my hands to uncover my face. I could not cower at this stage. It was all that I had hoped, prayed, and asked for and I had to ensure that she knew it.

  I opened my eyes and she smiled and leaned into me. Our faces were so close that I could see the pupils in her eyes dilate. She blushed as I moved my gaze to her lips and we kissed. It lasted a moment or maybe several; I was too lost in the moment to keep count. My head was buzzing with thoughts and feelings; there was no reasoning, no concept of time and space. All I could feel was her. My heart swelled with anticipation of a future and my fingers shook as I cupped her face thinking of how beautiful she was inside as well as outside.

  In a very low tone, between the kisses, I repeatedly said ‘I love you’ to her and tears rolled down her cheeks as she said the words back. We are made for each other and anyone who thinks or tells me otherwise has no understanding of what love is.

  Suddenly, one of the few people who love telling me otherwise, unlocked the main door and both of us sprang back to our sides of the bed. Adira’s mother was back, just at the right time to spoil everything. But I could not complain as, after all, it was her idea that both of us should watch a movie and she gave us space too. So, no matter how much I wanted to hate her, I could not. After all, we were now stuck with each other for life, for I was not going to let these women walk away from me.

  Adira swiftly left the room and Samba followed her, pausing many times on the way to stretch his tiny legs. I closed the door and lay on the bed, unable to move or think. I slept in the sitting position and woke up sometime after midnight realizing that I had not had any dinner.
But my body ached and my throat felt as if I had swallowed a cactus. I adjusted myself in the bed and covered myself with a sheet. I was feeling very cold too. As I was trying to make some more space for myself, trying to move the laptop, it hit me—I was unwell and had signs of a cold. Was it COVID? I had been out of the house to get chips and Coke just before we watched the movie.

  I was sweating with the realization; maybe I did have COVID. I had to get tested first thing in the morning and then isolate as per the guidelines if I was positive. I knew that the rate of recovery was high, especially for young people. The fact that there was no cure for it gave me chills. I decided to self-isolate and not step out of the room until the results came. I had missed my parents’ regular video call that night and made a mental note to not tell them and give them an unnecessary scare.

  ‘I need not tell Adira and her mother, too, until I get a confirmation,’ I told myself when I realized that COVID was highly contagious and if I had been carrying it since the time I had come back from the shops, then I would have to tell Adira because, well, because we kissed and there was a very high chance that I had given her the deadly virus.

  ‘Stay away from her and do not try any hanky-panky,’ her mother’s threat came back to me as if she was uttering those words just then in my ears. She would kill me. I had better start writing a will to transfer my assets to Adira as her mother would not give me a chance to do the same later. My life was over and there was no escaping the inevitable. I had to tell them in the morning, for their own good.