The One Who's Not the One: A feel-good, laugh-out-loud romantic comedy

by Keris Stainton

  ‘Oh, he’ll be fine,’ Cat said. ‘He knows how much you love him. And he’ll get used to Little Pea here eventually.’

  ‘We’re not calling her Pea,’ Kelly said, wetly. ‘We’re calling her Mabel.’

  ‘Oh,’ Cat said, running a finger along the baby’s cheek. ‘I love that. She looks like a Mabel.’

  ‘She does,’ Sean said, coming back in the room with a tray of lattes.

  ‘Oh my god,’ Kelly said, reaching for the coffee. ‘I love you.’

  Sean put the takeout cup down on the side table and leaned over and kissed her on the mouth. ‘I love you.’

  ‘Shall I take the baby?’ Cat suggested. ‘While you two do your filthy business.’

  ‘You can do,’ Kelly said, picking Mabel up and handing her over to Cat. ‘Hold her head.’

  ‘I know about the head,’ Cat said, snuggling Mabel into the crook of her elbow. ‘Hi, baby. You look like a pea. But your name is Mabel. And I’m your Aunty Cat. And you’re going to love me so much.’

  When she looked up, she found Sean had climbed onto the bed with Kelly and they were both looking at her dopily, lattes in hand.

  ‘Oh god, what.’

  ‘You can’t go to New York,’ Kelly said. ‘I need you.’

  ‘You don’t need me. I take up too much of your time. You’ve got your own kids; you don’t need to mother me too.’

  ‘I don’t mother you, you idiot. You’re my best friend. I’d do anything for you. But not if you go to New York. Then you’re on your own.’

  ‘That doesn’t even make sense,’ Cat said. ‘You always say I need to push myself and do more and commit to things. Going to New York is all of that!’

  ‘Yeah. But for all the wrong reasons. It’s running away. And you need to stop doing that. You know how you say everyone always leaves you? Well, you are not allowed to leave me. I’m not having it.’

  Cat dropped her forehead down onto Kelly’s shoulder. ‘I’m sorry I’m such a mess.’

  ‘But you’re my mess.’ She kissed her temple. ‘And when you’ve finished your coffee you need to go and see Harvey,’ Kelly said.

  ‘Maybe,’ Cat said.

  But she knew she wouldn’t. She was moving to New York. Starting again. Everything was already arranged.

  She wasn’t going to back out now.

  Thirty-One

  When Cat got home, all she wanted was a hot shower and to crawl into bed. She smelled like hospital, sick, and baby poo, and she’d almost fallen asleep in the cab back. It had all been worth it though; she couldn’t stop looking at the photos of Mabel and Kelly on her phone. Every time she thought about leaving them to go to New York, her eyes filled with tears.

  She could hear conversation in the living room and thought about sneaking past so she didn’t have to deal with Georgie and Pete, but there really wasn’t a way to get to her bedroom without being seen, so she took a deep breath and pushed open the door. But it wasn’t Pete Georgie was talking to. It was her dad.

  As Cat got closer, he dad stood and reached his arms out as if to hug her, then seemed to change his mind and grabbed her upper arms instead, squeezing lightly.

  ‘Sorry for turning up out of the blue like this.’

  Cat was glad he was holding her arms because at least she knew this was really happening. She felt spaced out and bewildered.

  ‘I’m off to work then,’ Georgie said, throwing Cat a confused look. ‘Nice meeting you, Cat’s dad.’

  ‘I thought you’d be back in Australia by now,’ Cat said once Georgie had left and they’d both sat down.

  ‘I was meant to be,’ he said. ‘But I felt like shit about what happened in New York. And also I realised I didn’t want to go home again without seeing you, talking to you.’

  Cat’s throat felt tight. She swallowed. ‘I’ve been avoiding you. That wasn’t fair.’

  Her dad nodded. ‘I get it though. I haven’t always been a great dad.’ He laughed, dryly. ‘That’s an understatement.’

  ‘Can I ask you something?’ Cat said, her chest feeling like it was about to crack.

  ‘Course.’

  ‘Why did you go?’

  Her dad rubbed his face with one large hand. ‘What did your mum tell you?’

  ‘Not much. Not that I can remember anyway. I thought she told me the reasons, but I’m not sure if she actually did, if maybe I made it up myself. I remember her getting a letter and I knew it was from you because it had an Australian stamp and I was excited. But when Mum opened it, she went into her bedroom, and I could hear her crying.’

  Her dad shook his head. ‘Jesus. I’m sorry, Cat. That’s not… a child shouldn’t…’

  ‘It’s OK,’ Cat said. Even though it wasn’t.

  Her dad blew out a long breath and screwed his eyes closed before saying, ‘She was supposed to come with me.’ He opened his eyes again and looked directly at Cat. ‘You both were. I went out there to find somewhere for us to live – I had a job sorted already – and then once I found the place, you and your mum were going to come out and join me.’

  Cat stared at him. She couldn’t believe it was true. ‘So why didn’t we?’

  ‘Your mum changed her mind. Said she didn’t love me any more. Said she didn’t realise until I left. She thought it maybe would be different in Australia. But once I’d gone, she realised she wasn’t happy and she wanted to stay in the UK.’

  Cat couldn’t catch her breath. ‘Why didn’t you come back?’ she asked eventually.

  Her dad shook his head. ‘I was heartbroken. I couldn’t even think. Also I didn’t have the money for a ticket. My original plan was to work enough to save the money. But the longer I worked, the more it seemed more sensible to stay.’ He shook his head. ‘Not more sensible, not really. Easier. Easier than coming home and seeing your mum and seeing you and being faced with everything I’d lost.’

  ‘I’m sorry,’ Cat said. It was all she could think of.

  ‘Me too.’

  * * *

  Cat spent the entire day in bed. She cried until she fell asleep, then woke up and cried until she fell asleep again. She couldn’t believe she’d spent pretty much her entire life believing her dad had left when he hadn’t at all. She didn’t blame her mum – she knew she’d been trying to protect her, do what was best for both of them, all of them perhaps – but how had Cat spent so long reinforcing and preserving a story she’d told herself that wasn’t even true? And if she was wrong about that, what else might she be wrong about?

  In the evening when Georgie and Pete came home and started painting again, listening to obnoxiously loud music, Cat dragged herself to the shower and stood under the water for a long time. She’d fucked up. But she was going to fix it.

  ‘I think I’m in love with Harvey,’ Cat told Sam after work a few days later.

  She’d finally friended him on Facebook and they’d messaged a little before she’d asked him to meet her at the pub near her office.

  ‘Jesus Christ,’ Sam said. ‘You didn’t want to give me a bit of warning?’

  Cat winced. ‘Sorry. I’m trying this new thing where I say what I mean and tell people how I feel and I haven’t really mastered it yet. You’re not… it doesn’t bother…’

  Sam pulled a face. ‘I mean, it’s not what I’d choose.’

  ‘I know. I’m sorry. It wasn’t planned, if that helps at all?’

  Sam laughed, ducking his head. ‘You know what? It doesn’t really.’

  ‘No. I didn’t really think it would.’

  ‘But I did wonder. He mentions you a lot.’

  Something warmed in Cat’s chest at the thought that Harvey may possibly, impossibly, feel the same way.

  ‘Does he know?’ Sam asked.

  Cat shook her head.

  ‘Mum’s going to be pleased. She misses you.’

  Cat laughed. ‘God. Don’t get ahead of yourself. He might not want me back.’

  Sam’s mouth twisted and he shook his head again. ‘He will. Why wouldn’
t he?’

  ‘Well, that’s kind of where you come in. When’s your next show?’

  Thirty-Two

  ‘He’s not here,’ she told Kelly. ‘He didn’t come.’

  ‘He’s probably just late. Don’t worry about it.’ Kelly, on her first night out post-baby, was sitting in the corner of the dressing room with a glass of wine, smiling at Cat serenely.

  Cat shook her head. ‘Maybe Sam told him I was going to be here and he decided not to come.’

  ‘Sam would have told you if he’d done that.’

  ‘He’d be here by now if he was coming. He’s very punctual.’

  ‘You’re wigging out,’ Kelly said, putting her hands on Cat’s shoulders. ‘Take a deep breath. He’ll be here.’

  Cat’s eyes pricked with tears. ‘He has to be here. I want to tell him—’

  ‘I know you do,’ Kelly said, squeezing the tops of Cat’s arms. ‘But even if he doesn’t come tonight—’

  Cat squeaked.

  ‘He will!’ Kelly said. ‘But even if he doesn’t, you can still tell him. You have to tell him.’

  Cat nodded. She felt like she was going to be sick or wet herself. Her palms were sweating and her legs were actually trembling. She couldn’t believe she was putting herself through this again.

  ‘You’re going to be great,’ Kelly told her, dipping her head to force Cat to look into her eyes. ‘You’re going to be charming and hilarious and hot.’

  Cat snorted.

  ‘And Harvey will be there and you’ll tell him how you feel and everything will be OK. Trust me. I’ve pushed two people out of my fanny; I’m very wise.’

  ‘Those things are unconnected,’ Cat said. ‘But you are anyway.’ She rooted through her bag looking for her jeans. ‘I’m scared.’

  ‘That means you’re doing it right,’ Kelly said.

  Cat’s phone buzzed with a message. Her dad, wishing her luck. He was back in Australia, but they’d set a weekly date to chat, either on WhatsApp or the phone. It had been nice, getting to know each other properly.

  ‘Where do you even get this crap from anyway? Some inspirational Instagram account?’

  ‘Feel the fear and do it anyway,’ Kelly said. ‘It’s a whole thing. Also: outside your comfort zone is where the magic happens. That one is actually from Instagram. But that doesn’t mean it’s not true.’

  ‘Was it attributed to Marilyn Monroe?’ Cat said, yanking her jeans out of the bag and immediately pulling her leggings down. ‘Or Abraham Lincoln.’

  ‘Why are you getting changed?’

  ‘Cos my leggings keep rolling down.’

  ‘You said you didn’t want to wear those jeans cos they go up your arse.’

  ‘They do.’ Cat stepped into them and wiggled them up her legs. The knees of the jeans were ripped open. ‘But that’s better than rolled-down leggings.’

  ‘Haven’t you got any clothes that, you know, fit you?’

  ‘You know I haven’t.’ Her phone buzzed again. Nick this time. He’d been disappointed when Cat had turned down the job, but he understood. And he was back in London the following week. They were going to have lunch.

  ‘I truly don’t know how you live,’ Kelly said.

  ‘I might not for much longer. I might die out there.’

  ‘People are going to laugh. People always laugh.’

  ‘I don’t mean comedy die. I mean actual die. I might just walk out there and keel over.’

  ‘You won’t. You’ll walk out there. You’ll do your set. You’ll talk to Harvey and then you two will ride off into the sunset on a white horse.’

  ‘The sun set, like, four hours ago. And did you bring a horse cos I didn’t?’

  ‘OK then, an Uber. Back to his flat.’

  Cat took a shaky breath. ‘What if he doesn’t want me?’

  ‘He will. He does. Trust me.’

  There was a knock at the door and Cat called, ‘Come in,’ without looking up from where she’d started rummaging in her bag for the chunk of rose quartz she’d bought after her first ever stand-up and thought of as a good luck charm.

  ‘Hey,’ a male voice said.

  Cat smiled and turned towards the door. But it wasn’t Harvey. It was Sam.

  ‘You’ve got five minutes,’ he told Cat.

  ‘Fuck,’ Cat said. ‘God.’

  ‘You’ll be fine,’ Sam said. ‘Actually, you’ll be great. You always were.’

  ‘Thanks,’ Cat said, trying to take a deep breath, but it kept getting stuck behind her breastbone. ‘See you after?’

  ‘I think you’ll probably be busy after,’ Kelly said.

  ‘God,’ Cat said. ‘Shut up.’

  * * *

  ‘I did stand-up before,’ Cat said, looking at the first row of the crowd. She saw a young-looking woman smiling back at her brightly, encouraging, and a man with folded arms and that ‘impress me’ expression on his face. She remembered that from last time.

  ‘But then I stopped.’

  She still couldn’t see Harvey. Maybe he really hadn’t come.

  ‘I thought I stopped because I wasn’t enjoying it any more. But I actually stopped because my boyfriend was also a stand-up and I was better than him.’

  A ripple of laughter.

  ‘No, I’m serious. He was good, but I was better than him. And we’d do shows and I’d get bigger laughs and I’d apologise. And once I tried to give him some tips. He didn’t like that. I always thought men would appreciate it if you tried to, you know, improve them. But they don’t. Did you know that? I guess it might’ve worked if I was five gay guys. But I’m not. I’m just one straight woman. So he didn’t. Didn’t learn to make guacamole or do a French tuck or reunite with his estranged father or anything. He just withheld sex a bit.’

  The laughs were getting bigger now and Cat could feel herself uncurling, her shoulders straightening. She’d always felt sort of powerful onstage. She’d almost forgotten. She glanced over to the right and saw Gemma Jewell leaning against the wall. Gemma fucking Jewell was watching her perform. She knew she was probably here for Sam, but even so.

  ‘Actually that bit about his estranged father isn’t true,’ she said, tearing her eyes away from her all-time favourite comedian. Who was there. Watching her. ‘He has a lovely father. And mother. And brother. It was hard for me to finish with him because of his family. If I could’ve kept them, I would’ve. You know when you split up with someone and you have to decide who keeps which friends? Like – “I want Donna and Jack cos they’re great on a night out but you can have Suzy and Paul cos they insist on showing us their holiday photos and there’s always one of one or both of them naked and they say ‘Whoops! Don’t know how that slipped in there!’” Well, I would have liked to have kept his family. But that seemed a bit unreasonable. Even for me. But obviously I did have to finish with him. Because I was better at stand-up than he was.

  ‘I should probably stop saying that because he’s here. Sorry, Sam. And now I’ve said his name, just in case there was any doubt.’

  ‘It’s all true though,’ Sam shouted and Cat barked out a laugh. ‘God. Anyway, his family was so great that I did a terrible thing. I fell in love with his brother.’

  There was a gasp of shock from the audience and Cat said, ‘I know. I’m a terrible person. I was hoping he was going to be here tonight. Not just because it would add drama, but because I haven’t actually told him that yet, but I don’t think he…’

  Shielding her eyes with her hand, she scanned the audience, taking in the various faces looking back at her. She couldn’t see him. He really hadn’t come. Her chest ached with it. And now she had to somehow get to the end of this set without crying.

  She swallowed down the lump in her throat. Took a deep breath.

  And then he was there. Standing towards the back of the room. Looking right at her. And he was smiling.

  Thirty-Three

  ‘You need to get up,’ Cat said, crawling up the bed and bracketing Harvey’s hips with her thighs.


  ‘I would,’ he said, smiling up at her. ‘But you’re sitting on me.’

  She rolled her eyes. ‘I am now. I wasn’t before. You’ve had plenty of time to get up and get a shower—’

  ‘Mm,’ Harvey said, shifting down the bed and pulling Cat down on top of him. ‘A shower sounds good.’

  ‘Alone. I haven’t got time for a shower. I’ve got a house-warming party to prepare for.’

  ‘Oh, come on. It’s all done. And even if it’s not, no one will care.’ He rolled her so he was on top and kissed the side of her neck. She wriggled out from underneath him and stood up. ‘I need to go and buy ice.’

  He stretched out on the bed, the duvet down around his waist, and looked up at her. ‘Ice? Interesting.’

  ‘Oh god,’ Cat said. And got back into bed.

  * * *

  ‘Are you licking my dimple?’ Harvey asked a little later, when Cat had decided no one was going to be bothered about ice, it’d be fine.

  ‘I can’t believe this,’ Cat said, not for the first time, resting her chin on Harvey’s chest and pressing her fingers in turn into his dimple to see which one would fit.

  ‘My dimple?’ Harvey asked. His eyes were closed, but his lips were curved into a smile.

  She gave up examining his dimple and dipped her head to kiss his shoulder instead, before letting her lips drift down his arm to his elbow. ‘Do you know you’ve got sexy elbows? I didn’t know that was a thing.’

  ‘I don’t think it is. Seems a bit niche.’

  She wanted to fit her mouth round it and maybe suck a bit, but that seemed weird, even for her.

  ‘Harvey,’ she said, propping herself up above him and looking into his eyes. ‘I’ve told you that I’m in love with you, right?’

  Harvey smiled slowly, sliding his hands down her back. ‘Once or twice, yeah. But feel free to tell me again.’

  Harvey was right: everything was ready by the time people started to arrive. Kelly and Sean were first. Sean had the baby strapped to his front in a carrier.