by Liz Durano
“She’s doing well,” he replies, chuckling. “She and Nana are having a blast entertaining the security guys. They’re probably feeding them sopapillas as we speak.”
I smile, the vision of Mom and Nana plying the tough security guys with food. I got to meet them yesterday morning, two former Navy Seals who now work for a private security firm that guards millionaires and billionaires. Not that Dad is one. He just manages their money.
“And Dax?”
“Dax is good,” Dad replies. “He and Gabe are friends again. But then, when can those two hold a grudge for more than one night? They’re connected at the hip.”
I smile. “I think Gabe’s his wing man… or whatever they call it when they play those online video games.”
“Yeah, there’s that. Gabe’s his real life wing man, too, when you think about it.” He pauses when someone asks him something and I realize he’s already on a plane. I hear the sound of china tinkling, as if someone is taking an empty cup of coffee from Dad’s table.
“Is Ryan still calling my old number?”
“Not just him, but a lot of sick bastards,” Dad replies stiffly. “I don’t listen to them but Fred from Trident does. He says I’m better off not hearing what goes through sick men’s minds.”
He’s referring to Clyde Fredricks, an old friend who owns a security firm based in the East Coast. He hires mostly veterans and is even working in the field although it’s light duty, guarding some rich socialite and her son around New York.
“They can keep calling all they want and say the things they want to do,” Dad continues. “It’s all recorded and traced. Every single one of them. So you need to always be vigilant and aware of your surroundings, Sarah, okay?”
My throat tightens. I may be on a high from spending the night with Benny but there’s nothing like a reminder from Dad that there are so many crazies out there to bring me back down in an instant. But he’s also right to do so. Ever since I took the job in Shiprock, I’ve let my guard down, confident that no one would find me here, definitely not Ryan who’ll I’ll probably spot a mile away. Like Benny says, he’ll only stand out.
“I am,” I lie.
“Your address over there isn’t listed anywhere, right?” Dad asks.
“No, just at work since they’re the ones who recommended this place.” I’m a ghost, I want to tell him. New cell phone number, new email. Zero presence on social media. No life.
“What about your running? You still doing that alone?”
“It’s just behind the medical center, Dad. A lot of people use it and when I take the ones around the area, I make sure it’s during the day.”
Dad exhales. “All it takes is just one person, Sarah. I suggest you stop that for awhile. Maybe run at the gym instead. Use the treadmill. Does your apartment complex have a gym?”
“No, but that’s fine. I’ll see about the gym.” I want to tell Dad that I’m really okay running out here but I know it’s not the answer he wants to hear.
“I just want you to be safe, Sarah,” he says. “You know how I hate the very idea of you being alone out there. If this idiot found you in the last two jobs you got assigned to, what’s to stop him from finding you out there?” He pauses. “And it’s not just him I’m worried about. It’s the crazies who find your pictures online.”
I return to my bed and hug a pillow to my belly, that familiar feeling of helplessness settling in the pit of my stomach. “I’m so sorry you have to deal with this, Dad.”
He exhales. “Oh, Sarah, don’t ever think it’s your fault because it’s not. Any self-respecting man knows better than to do something as vile as this. And for what? All because you broke up with him?”
“But I can’t hide forever, Dad,” I say. “I can’t let him do this to me forever.”
“And that’s why Lionel’s firm is taking care of this even if it takes years,” Dad says. “In fact, that’s what his IP attorneys have told him already, that nothing like this has ever come up before. With the Internet being the wild wild west, they say it will take some time to stop completely. Years, maybe, so I want you to prepare for that.”
“Okay.”
“I want him to pay, Sarah,” Dad continues, his tone harsh as he lowers his voice. “And I’ll do anything—anything—to make sure he pays for this.”
In the background, I hear a woman tell Dad to fasten his seatbelt because as soon as they receive clearance, they’re landing at JFK airport.
“I’ve got to hang up now, Sarah,” he says. “Don’t forget to email me your schedule so I can get the flights chartered.”
“Dad…”
“Yes, Sarah?”
“Thank you,” I say softly. “Thank you for everything you do for me.”
He doesn’t answer right away and I can almost see him smile, or I’m hoping he’s smiling. God knows how many times I’ve fucked up every time I try to do things my own way.
“You’re welcome, Sarah Banana,” he says and I know that smile I imagined was spot on. “You’re one tough cookie. I know you are. That’s why you tried to fix this yourself. But we’ll put an end to this together, you and me. Okay?”
“Okay.”
I hang up and stare at the wall beyond the bedside table. I suddenly feel light, as if a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I close my eyes and sigh, grateful for everything that I’ve been blessed with even if most times, I have no clue. There’d been so many things I took for granted until the day came when the simplest thing, like walking out of my apartment without a care in the world, became an impossibility. And for what? Because a man couldn’t take the sting of rejection.
And now, with him posting my home address and phone number, he’s turned it into something bigger, like a pebble tossed into what was once a calm lake, its ripples growing ever wider. This time, it’s not just my safety he’s threatened, it’s my family’s, too. My mother’s sense of safety once again shattered even if she hasn’t said a word about it.
Déjà vu.
But no, this won’t be a repeat of what happened to my mother in New York when one man’s obsession turned deadly, driving her all the way to Taos. Too bad that’s all I know about it for Mom and Dad refuse to talk about it and neither will Nana. It’s a chapter best left in the past.
I return to my desk and pull up my schedule for the week. I’ve got four straight days of work ahead and three days off right after. I could wait until my days off but Dad’s right about needing to get the ball rolling with the lawyers. I pull up my email client and type out an email to Melina requesting a few days off.
As I click Send, I let out a deep sigh. For the first time since this all began, I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. I can see an end to the fear I’ve been living with for the past year.
How can I forget the feelings of helplessness, fear, and paranoia that came over me the first time I realized what Ryan had done, that pictures he’d taken of me when we were figuring the whole BDSM thing out would be out there in the open for all to see? Did he really find rejection that difficult to accept, that he’d have to punish me the worst way he knew how? Breaking my trust in him and humiliating me?
I knew the moment the first phone calls started coming in—hearing raspy voices from strangers telling me all the things they wanted to do to me—that talking reason with Ryan was pointless. And just when I decided to call Dad and tell him what happened, it was too late. He found out through a colleague at the private club he went to a few times a week, a club with a rich history of the rich and famous being among their members. It meant if one knew, others did, too. When he told me, it put me on the defensive and our talks, no matter how rational and calm they’d start, turned into arguments… until yesterday.
Thanks to Benny talking me into giving it one more try with Dad, I’ve come to realize that no matter what happens, Dad—and my family—will always be there for me.
Maybe even Benny.
Chapter Fourteen
I hate doing what
I’m about to do but it’s time. After six years of seeing each other on and off, surely I’d know if she’s the one for me by now. But I’m also fooling myself to believe that’s really why Noelle and I have been dating for so long, even after she must have known about the many women I’d been seeing back in Albuquerque or wherever I’d travel for work and we just happened to be “off” then.
It was never about love.
As misplaced as it was, it was about duty. It was about making up for the decision my mother didn’t make when she ran off with my father a week before she was supposed to marry Ray. Just like Noelle, Ray had been her childhood friend and their families used to do everything together growing up. Sure, they loved each other but in the end, Mother ran off with my father, an older non-Navajo she met at a dance.
Arranged marriages may no longer exist among the Diné but certain informal arrangements still do, just like the one my mother and grandparents made with Noelle’s family. If the kids liked each other, why not? If they shared the same interests—books, movies, a passion for all things Diné—why not?
I just never felt the same things I felt for Noelle the moment I set my eyes on Sarah—my heart thundering inside my chest just like wild horses made the ground beneath your feet tremble as they galloped across the plains, or the way my gut clenched at the sight of her and suddenly, I couldn’t speak, the words caught in my throat, my mouth dry.
It was only when I told myself Sarah would always remain a friend that I was able to have my wits about me whenever she was around. As her friend, life was good. Not perfect, but good enough. I could talk to her, spend time with her, laugh with her until the time came when my body no longer reacted the way it did in the beginning. It certainly helped that I’d convinced myself that Sarah was the one woman I couldn’t have.
Only I’ve just had her. All of her. And there’s no way I’m letting her go now.
The students are running around on the playground when I park the truck in the lot in front of Noelle’s school. I’ve been here before and know the principal and a few of the other teachers. I’ve been to her classroom more times than I could count, usually before school started to help her decorate and on the last day, to take things down. Once or twice a year, I showed up to talk to the students about what I do as an environmental protection specialist.
Noelle and I go back a long time. She was the first real friend I had after Dad died and I suddenly found myself in a new place, a new classroom, immersed in a new culture. I was bullied then—a lot. It seemed as if everyone knew what my mother had done, that she’d abandoned her Navajo culture when she fell in love with a white man and had me. If Ray wasn’t beating me up at home for some little infarction that day, the kids finished the job.
But it wasn’t all bad. Even though her older brother Isaac was wary of me and my city ways, I found a friend in Noelle. With our grandparents already close friends, we often met at the chapter house whenever there was something going on. Noelle is soft-spoken and beautiful, with long dark hair and dark eyes. She was my first kiss and my first time just as I was hers. As my mother loves to remind me, you and Noelle go a long way, Bidzii. You make a perfect couple. You’ll have beautiful Diné children.
We’d probably have gotten married right after high school if I hadn’t learned of the trust fund my father had set up for me when I was born, an account that automatically transferred to his sister Melody Turner after he was killed in a car accident. My mother didn’t even know anything about it.
After my father’s family lost their case to get full custody of me after my father’s death, Melody would end up depositing money she and my paternal grandparents would have sent me for Christmas and my birthday into that trust fund. I wouldn’t learn about it until I turned eighteen and I found myself looking at documents showing a balance that was more than anything I’d ever seen, more than my teenage mind could comprehend. It also contained a few photos of my late father holding me in his arms as well as his wedding band which I wear on a chain around my neck, much to everyone’s initial horror and then later, disappointment.
Although my mother would have preferred me to use the money for other things we needed more—a new truck or repairs for the homestead—she knew I’d be the first one in her family to finish college if we followed my father’s wishes. Sure, as a Native American I could attend college for free, but what about the expenses related to school? Living expenses and all that? And so after the initial four years, I set my sights higher, telling my mother that my goal was to earn a Master’s degree and then later, a Doctorate. So whenever I told her I couldn’t possibly think of marrying Noelle because I needed to finish my education first, she didn’t push it… until she met Sarah by accident.
It had happened on a trip to Chaco Canyon where I showed Sarah the stars and then on a whim, we took an out-of-the-way detour to Four Corners where one could stand on all four states—Utah, Colorado, New Mexico, and Arizona. On the way to Taos, we ran into my mother and Ray and to this day, I can never forget the look of shock and disappointment on my mother’s face. That’s when she realized the real reason why I’d kept making excuses for not coming home on the weekends... or proposing to Noelle who at that point had been my on-again-off-again girlfriend for two years.
Four years later and I still hadn’t proposed. Noelle had to give me an ultimatum and even then, I ended up bailing.
So why did I tell my family I was getting back with her just weeks after I told Noelle I wasn’t ready to get married? I should have known Mother would run with the news and tell everyone she knew. If I’m such a man of my word, why can’t I follow through with this one?
Because you love someone else… even when you shouldn’t.
Still, I need to close this door once and for all. I need to move on and let Noelle do the same.
I get out of the truck and walk toward the security gate. Noelle should be having lunch right about now, which means she has time to talk to me. But as I raise my hand to punch the code on the panel, I see her on the playground and I stop. Wearing a red dress and ballet flats, she’s tending to a little girl who’s fallen, dusting the girl’s knees with her hands before standing up. As the girl takes her hand and follows her into the building, probably to the school nurse, my chest tightens.
Do I really want to tell her that we’re truly over right now, right in the middle of her workday? What for? It’s not like she doesn’t already know where I stand when it comes to us. There is no us, not even if my mother insists there is still hope there.
My phone rings and as I pull my phone from my jeans pocket, I see Tony’s name. As I head to my car, I click answer. “What’s up?”
“Hey, it’s short notice, but we’ve got a trip to DC in two days, my man!” He says, laughing. “You, me, Collin, and David,” he continues, adding the names of the other other guys in the team that worked on the paper on uranium mining.
“What for? We already gave them everything they needed. I know I did.”
“The representatives want to ask us a few questions,” he says. “Maybe clarify a few things, I don’t know, but hey, it’s a trip to DC. I’ve always wanted to check out the Smithsonian.”
I get behind the wheel but don’t start the engine. I’m supposed to be visiting my mother and helping around the homestead. I’d also been looking forward to talking with my grandfather. Instead, I’ll have to push that back to the following weekend. Again.
“Send me the details and I’ll make the arrangements when I get back to the office,” I say as I see Noelle standing behind the gate. How long has she been standing there? “Hey, man, gotta go.”
“I thought it was you,” Noelle says as I approach. She steps out of the gate and gives me a brief hug. “What are you doing here? Everything okay?”
“I’ve come to apologize for my mother,” I say. “I understand you ran into each other and she told you I had something to tell you.”
“You don’t have to apologize for her, Bidzii. But she did say tha
t you had something important to tell me,” Noelle says, smiling. “She kinda hinted what it was about but since I haven’t heard from you in awhile I figured maybe it’s just wishful thinking on her end.”
“I told them we’d get back together,” I say, clearing my throat.
She frowns, her eyes narrowing as she studies my face. “Does she know about my ultimatum?”
Either you ask me to marry you or we break up for good, Benny, she’d said. I want a family with you, little versions of you and me running around our home…
I can still remember how the room felt like it were spinning, her words fading as if I’d suddenly gained wings and was flying far away.
That was two months ago and in a moment of weakness—or maybe regret because it meant I went back on a promise to myself to stay on the reservation—a few weeks later, I told my family something I didn’t mean.
“No, she doesn’t. That’s between you and me,” I reply. “But I’m here because I don’t want to apologize or explain things over the phone. I want you to hear it from me.”
Noelle doesn’t speak for a few moments. “She’s back, isn’t she? That girl from Albuquerque, your friend from UNM?” When I don’t answer, she continues. “Isaac saw you with her the other night in Taos. He and his friends went to see that new Navajo band playing at the Pit and he told me he saw you two dancing. He said you danced with her all night.”
“I didn’t see him.” Not that I was paying attention to the crowd. I had eyes only for Sarah that night.
“Doesn’t matter if you did or not. It is her, right?” Noelle’s tone is accusing. “The same girl you brought up to the Four Corners that one day you two ran into your mom and your stepdad?”
I nod. “Yeah, same girl.” Normally I’d have added that Sarah is just a friend but I can’t do that now. She’s more than a friend. And according to the way my gut tightens, it’s been that way for a long time. I just couldn’t admit it then.