Getting Old Will Haunt You

by Rita Lakin

  Of course they do. Welcome to the booby hatch.

  We continue to huff and puff our way up to the roof. Same scene; gated little area with chairs and little table. No one there to see, but our three visionaries quickly gather at the picket fence. Same drink, however the new cigar box. And a bright red cape folded neatly on one of the chairs.

  Bella. ‘Good morning sir, Papa.’

  ‘Humph.’ Bella reports from our ghost.

  Evvie groans, annoyed at this immediate nonsense. It will take forever to get where we’re going.

  Sophie worries because Bella is starry-eyed; will she need to be committed?

  I say to the adoring trio, ‘You will tell us everything Papa says.’

  All three believers nod their heads. Recitations begin.

  Bella, on the job, quoting Papa. ‘Are you dolts back again?’ To us, she asks, ‘What’s a dolt?’

  Sadie to Louie, ‘Isn’t it exhilarating? The dolts are on our side.’

  ‘Something nice Mr Hemingway would like to say to us?’ I say, in my most business-like tone.

  Sadie reports, ‘He said “Grrr”.’

  I pray for patience. ‘Surely he can do better than that.’ I scan the table. ‘Brand-new cigars. Beautiful cape. Hint. Hint. Wonder where they came from?’

  Silence. All eyes on where we assume the dead big shot is standing. We take our cues from the trio of sycophants.

  Finally. Louie says in a low subservient tone, ‘He says thanks. He also wants to tell you he once fought bulls in Spain in that cape; isn’t that wonderful?’

  Sophie says sarcastically, ‘Whoopie!’

  Evvie, trying to keep a straight face, points directly at where Papa should be. ‘You said you have proof. We want it now, without the insults.’

  Sadie tugs at Evvie’s arm and whispers, ‘He just left his chair. He’s walking around.’

  ‘Oops,’ says Evvie, rotating her eyes from side to side.

  Louie, ‘Yes, Papa, I’ll tell them.’ To us, ‘Papa will reveal all, but there is another price.’

  I take him on, tough, ‘No. No. No. We already paid your price. One price to a customer.’

  ‘Yeah, what Gladdy says,’ agrees Sophie, hands on hips, her idea of looking strong.

  Bella cringes; torn between her friends and her ghost.

  I negotiate with the empty air, ‘You got what you want, let’s hear the proof you promised. If you really have any.’

  Bella giggles. ‘He’s saying bad words again. You’re annoying him. You shouldn’t doubt him. He doesn’t like it.’

  Louie recites proudly, ‘The proof is in the pudding, the pudding is in the boat. The boat is in the key. The key is in the sunshine.’

  Evvie writes it all down.

  Sadie, with a chuckle, ‘He’s reciting poetry. No, first he’s singing. “I’m in the mood for love”. Isn’t that sweet?’ For a moment, she sings along, ‘Love me or leave me …’ She stops, embarrassed. ‘I guess Papa is in a loving mood.’

  Bella says, ‘Papa is quoting himself, “If two people love each other, there can be no happy end”.’

  Evvie claps. ‘Clever, but cynical.’ She is thinking, Hemingway at his corniest.

  Louie is energized. ‘Another line from one of his books, “I am so in love with you, that there isn’t anything else”.’

  Bella, having a wonderful time is also quoting, ‘Why, darling, I don’t live at all when I’m not with you.’ She blushes.

  Suddenly the three advocates stiffen. Their master has turned angry. Louie recites, timorously, ‘Out, out all of you. Out Martha, Out Pauline. Out Hadley. Yes, even you, Mary. Out the lot of you!’

  Silence as Louie, Sadie and Bella watch a parade of whatever it is they see, crossing the roof.

  Evvie asks sarcastically, ‘Are the wives leaving?’

  Sadie says, ‘Yes, they’re running. And in high heels, too.’

  I start for the staircase. ‘I guess we better go, also.’

  Louie is right behind me. Eagerly, ‘Please don’t go.’

  ‘Bye bye,’ Sophie says walking away. ‘We’ve had enough.’

  As we reach the stairway, Bella calls out, ‘He says one more thing. “Robert was killed by love. Dolts!”.’

  We can’t get out of that house fast enough.

  FORTY

  Hy and Ida Head Back Home

  They drive for a while, neither Ida speaks, nor Julio either. Finally Julio is curious. ‘You are not driving home with Mr Binder?’

  Ida, huffy, ‘No, I am not. And just how did you get involved in my case?’

  ‘What is a case?’

  ‘Never mind. Suddenly yesterday you and Mr Manny Bloom got cozy?’

  ‘What is cozy?’

  Ida is frustrated. ‘Forget it.’ She smiles, thinking, this guy solved the case for her and she’ll get the credit.

  Julio smiles thinking, this lady has much strangeness. It was so easy to fix Manny’s problem.

  Julio pulls up in front of Ida’s building. She notices that Hy must have arrived. She smiles at the new dent in his front fender. She wishes she was a fly on the Binder wall to see how the amnesia story works out.

  She pays Julio and thanks him for a job well done. ‘Hasta la Vista,’ she says proud of her new knowledge of the language.

  ‘Until we meet again,’ Julio says, master of his new language.

  In her apartment, the first thing Ida does is kick off her heels. Then turns on her air-conditioner. She goes into her bedroom, carrying the famous raincoat. Opens her closet and folds the raincoat lovingly, and places it in the bottom rear of the closet, where it lives hidden. She can never tell Gladdy or the girls. They don’t believe in weirdo things.

  She faces the poster on her door. ‘Job well done, Frank. We’re quite a team.’ She prides herself on having learned his first name way back in the series. Few viewers knew that. She salutes the poster of her hero, Lt Columbo. Then closes the door.

  Hy hopes no one noticed his arrival. He’s glad it’s still so early. Thank goodness, traffic was light on the freeway. Don’t want any of the yentas spotting him, sneaking back. Though, sure of his Lola, she wouldn’t have let anybody find out he was gone. What irony, depending on the likes of Ida to keep his secret safe.

  But then again, there’s that nosy Tessie to worry about. She seems to gossip about everybody’s business. He hurries into his building.

  Fingers crossed. He opens his door, hoping he doesn’t wake Lola.

  The apartment is silent except for the sound of the air-conditioning and Lola’s petite snoring. He tiptoes into their bedroom and looks affectionately down at his sleeping wife; on her side of the bed as usual. Her back is to him. Hy admires her for a moment. Such a beauty.

  He quickly drops his clothes to the floor. And remembering Manny’s exploits, he giggles. Maybe he should raid the fridge first. Nah! He’ll cut right to the chase.

  He slides his naked body into the bed and gently wraps his arm around his sweetheart wife. Ready for the action he missed in Miami.

  In seconds Lola wakes up, screaming. ‘Help! Rape! Help!’

  He shushes her, trying to reach for her mouth to cover it. ‘It’s me! Don’t yell, it’s me!’ She thrashes him, pummeling him with her fists over and over.

  Lola leaps out of the bed; turns and stares at him; furious, then puzzled, then happy all in turn. ‘Hy? You? Thank God, you’re alive!’ Then, ‘What’s that – sand in my bed? Where the hell have you been?’

  Hy dramatically touches his ‘hurt’ forehead and begins his amnesia story.

  FORTY-ONE

  Back at the Inn. Clues Rock

  We are gathered in Evvie’s and my bedroom. Skipping B&B breakfast.

  Sophie sums up. ‘Big waste of time. He got his cigars and shmata. And all we got was a lot of nonsense.’

  Bella, defensive, ‘Don’t call it a rag. His bullfight cape is an antique!’

  Amazing, we’re talking about Papa, as if there really is this apparition that tell
s us he (it) was a witness to a murder. But what the heck, here we are.

  Sophie comments, ‘So, where’s our proof? A trade is a trade. He promised.’

  Evvie waves her notebook. ‘Somewhere in this gibberish. Amid the love poems.’

  I get it! I really do. ‘He told us what we need to know, but he’s making us work for it. Evvie, read the part about the pudding.’

  Evvie finds it in her notebook, and reads, ‘The proof is in the pudding, the pudding is in the boat, the boat is in the key. The key is in the sunshine.’

  The girls look dumbfounded. Sophie, ‘That’s the clue?’

  Evvie bounces up on her bed. ‘Now I get it, too.’

  I say, ‘Take away the pudding; that’s him showing off, and read the words without it.’

  Evvie is excited. She reads, ‘The proof is in the boat, the boat in the key. The key is in the sunshine. Sunshine Key! Remember I read about that key in my tour book. So, the boat didn’t sink, as the police believe. And there is something in that boat that proves—’

  I finish it, ‘That he was killed by love.’

  Bella confused, ‘How can you be killed by love?’

  Evvie answers. ‘You can if you are a lawyer by name – Albert Love. Of Strand, Smythe and Love.’

  Wow! Silence, chewing, digesting and thinking.

  Bella shocked, ‘A lawyer killed him?’

  ‘Gee whiz!’ says Sophie, impressed. ‘That was a really good clue.’

  I add, ‘That’s why he kept quoting lines about love. Over and over, quoting those boring lines, singing those songs.’

  ‘So all we need is to get to Sunshine Key and locate the boat and find the evidence.’ Evvie shrugs well aware of how impossible this would be.

  Sophie, ‘So what do we do now?’

  I add ironically, ‘We need a boat, to find a boat.’

  Evvie adds, ‘What we really need is an exorcist.’

  FORTY-TWO

  An Important Discussion with Smart Teresa

  After a quick impromptu brunch, we head back to find Teresa. At first we thought to go to Robert’s fishing friends; but they remember it was always Robert’s boat they used.

  Somehow I feel more comfortable asking Teresa for help. She’s savvy and has information about everything in this city and the people in it. We need her advice; we want information that we won’t be able to get anywhere else. We knock at her office door, and luckily she’s in there.

  It’s a small room, yet continuing the charm of the rest of the inn. Immaculate, as I would expect. Her small desk is neat. There are numerous commendations on the walls, congratulating the inn for winning first class in hotel awards year after year. Family photos share the walls. She obviously has many smiling relatives. There’s even a photo of Jin in his Cage costume.

  It will be a tricky conversation because Teresa is sane and wouldn’t believe in ghosts either. And we cannot think of mentioning such an aberration to that sensible woman. Even though we have what might be explosive information.

  She welcomes us, surprised that we’ve chosen her office in which to meet. Customers usually don’t do that.

  But I apologize, explaining we need privacy and her advice. She says she’ll be glad to help. So we fill her in, carefully.

  After a while, she sums up our discussion. ‘Let me get this straight. You need to borrow a boat to find the boat that Robert had been in when he died.’

  ‘Yes,’ I say cautiously. ‘We have a tip there is something important on that boat that would prove Robert’s death wasn’t accidental.’ I sound wacky even to myself.

  ‘A tip,’ she says, doubtfully. ‘And where does this tip come from?’

  I was afraid she’d ask that. ‘From the Wassinger house.’

  Teresa peers in each of our faces and reads us correctly. The less said the better about this.

  ‘It could look like we’re just taking a boat ride on a nice sunny day,’ comments Bella, to my amazement. I was terrified she’d blow the whole thing and spill the beans. But she’s a loyal, although dim, team player.

  We don’t make any mention of who we believe is a killer. We don’t want to stretch the credulity further.

  Evvie adds, ‘And if we just happen to discover a missing fishing boat at Sunshine Key, we think that could be helpful.’

  Big sigh from Teresa. ‘You win the award for most out of the ordinary, most motivated visitors this inn has ever had. Or the most gullible. Four old ladies hot on the trail of a killer. Amazing.’ She can hardly hide her disbelief.

  I say, ‘But we have a problem. We can’t take out a boat by ourselves, since none of us know anything about boats, not that we could handle one …’

  Teresa stops me with a raised hand. ‘Be at the Old Town dock at two p.m. sharp, wearing what you think absurd people wear at a costume party on a ferry.’

  We are effusive with our thanks. We have to hurry upstairs and change our clothes. She winks at me. Notice, there was not one word about ghosts mentioned.

  FORTY-THREE

  An Absurd Group of Boat People

  At two p.m. we’re at the dock and already loading what is a beautiful large white ferry boat. The name on its side reads Rainbow Community and the deck is festooned with flags and balloons in many colors. Evvie and I recognize that the name has to do with gay people, but no point explaining it to Bella and Sophie. That will take up too much time.

  Teresa’s nephew, Jin, is there to meet us and be our guide and helper, obviously thanks to a phone call from his aunt. We almost don’t recognize him in his flashy outfit, a startlingly white pantsuit, bell-bottoms with glittery multi-colored stripes. Is he wearing make-up? Yes, he is, and his hair is set in a bouffant style, sprinkled with gold dust. We try not to gape. We attempt to seem sophisticated.

  He informs us that this is a celebratory, private party for their successful musical, La Cage aux Folles, the show he mentioned at the inn. Seeing the surprise on the girls’ faces, he explains this is what he wears in the play; he is one of La Cagelles, a member of the chorus line.

  As we climb up onto the ferry we are dazzled by all the vividly costumed cast members and guests already on board. Wild colors, wild plaids and checks, silk and satins, weird, strange, never-seen-before hairdos. Tons of make-up. Anything goes. Teresa wasn’t kidding – this is absurd boat wear.

  And who might win the award for most absurd outfit is our own clothes-maven, Sophie. She who shlepped along her hot pink taffeta Empire gown and tiara, with matching pumps and purse, which she is proudly wearing.

  Sophie is self-righteous. ‘I told you so, that this gown would come in handy.’

  Evvie nods, smiling, ‘You fit right in.’

  The rest of us wear conventional leisure clothes.

  Jin tells us to help ourselves to food and drink, and he’ll find us when we reach Sunshine Key. He’s worked it out with the captain to take us there, not to worry.

  ‘But won’t it spoil the party?’ Evvie asks.

  ‘By then, everyone will be sloshed and won’t care about anything but their next drink.’

  ‘Have fun,’ he says and waves as he leaves us on our own.

  The girls are dumbfounded, staring at the costumes, hairstyles and make-up. They gasp at the feathers and spangles.

  Bella points to a big person. ‘Is that a tall boy dressed as a tall girl?’ she asks.

  Sophie thinks. ‘It’s just a tall girl with too much make-up.’

  Bella, ‘I say boy.’

  Sophie, ‘Girl. Kinda homely.’

  Bella, ‘A very pretty boy. I like the feathers.’

  Evvie, ‘Give it a rest. They’re gay.’

  Bella nods, ‘Yes, they do look very happy.’

  Evvie grins, ‘Not gonna touch that with a ten-foot pole. I’m going to get one of those amazing tall drinks.’ She abandons us.

  The ferry leaves the dock. The music level climbs higher. Probably the music score from their play. Couples dance wherever they find legroom. Girls dancing with gi
rls, boys with girls, boys with boys, and so on.

  I snack on wonderful canapés I find on long tables covered with multi-colored tablecloths. Bella and Sophie, terrified of eating something alive, reach for cheese slices.

  We watch the dancing for a while. It’s interesting to say the least; the dancers are exhilarating and inventive.

  Two guys pass us, sipping. ‘What are you drinking?’

  His buddy (or girlfriend) says, ‘An Ingrid Bergman.’

  ‘Nice. I’m gonna stick to my Meemaw old fashioned.’

  We stare. What, those are drinks?

  Evvie joins us holding up a card. ‘Look, here are some choices of drinks we can have. Free!’ She reads, ‘Pisco Sour, Berry Bellini, Strawberry Swamp Water Octane. Mango Mimosa. And much more. I’m drinking some kind of Slurpee. I don’t know what’s in it, but I’m feeling no pain.’

  We pass. ‘I’m sticking to my iced tea,’ says Bella.

  ‘Is it regular iced tea or that Long Island iced tea? One of them is potent liquor.’ Evvie is the new bar know-it-all.

  Bella quickly discards her drink. She doesn’t want to find out.

  ‘There you are.’ Jin catches up to us. ‘Come on to Captain Barnaby’s bridge. We’re going to keep an eye out for Robert’s boat. We’re nearing Sunshine Key. The boat might be hugging the shore somewhere. Or lodged on a rock.’

  On the bridge, we lean over the rail, five sets of eyes, plus the captain’s crew, with binoculars, searching in all directions. How nice of them to help us. For a while it seems like we’re on a pointless mission. We see nothing. Water, water everywhere. The boat must have sunk by now. And if so, so are we.

  We can still barely hear the music from inside, but out here, other than waves slapping the ferry’s side, there is silence.

  And more silence. I am afraid we face failure, but the kind captain doesn’t quit. The ferry moves slowly along the shore. More waiting.

  A shout and a waving sailor pointing; one of the crew. And we see it. A crippled torn-apart boat, rolling with the waves on a deserted beach.

  Captain Barnaby pulls us up close and drops anchor near the shore.