Wally

by Rowan Massey

  He pulled his head back and stared at me.

  “I know. He’s crazy,” I said.

  “Jesus Christ,” Doc muttered.

  “London was really nice the whole time,” I said. “Don’t be mad at him. I’m going to forgive him.”

  He smiled. “Of course you are,” he said. “I could have predicted that you would, but he should have told me before things got so dangerous. I would have come to get you sooner.”

  “Thanks. I know you care about me. But, um…” I hesitated, not sure if I wanted to say what I was thinking. “They kept saying I was going to be part of your family or something? I told them you’re just my boss, but Avi said I was his nephew, and that was why he had me staying in his loft. It was weird. I don’t know where he got such a bonkers idea.”

  Docs eyebrows were jumping, and he nodded slowly.

  “Well,” he sighed, “that does explain some things.”

  I waited for him to explain it, but he didn’t. He fiddled with his laptop and started scrolling through boring stuff again. I leaned my head back and closed my eyes. I wasn’t in the mood for hard conversations anyway. My mind kept going to Spitz and the look I would see on his face when I got back with stories to tell.

  All I wanted was to see Spitz and Fiona right away, but we had no idea where they were, so Doc took me to his house. I asked for my old things as soon as we walked in the door, then went in the first floor bathroom and changed into my old clothes. Wearing the uniform had given me the creeps for some reason. It just wasn’t me. Once I looked in the mirror and saw my normal self—tat showing, jewelry in place, clothes too small, blood stains on my collar, and scars for everyone to see—I felt more relaxed. Even my ratty, old, smelly sneakers felt good on my feet, which had been weighed down with the boots.

  I was surprised Doc was waiting for me when I stepped into the hall. He was pacing around with his hands on his hips.

  “I’m sorry you lost all your new things,” he said. “I’ll buy you more, and I have some cash to give you. I want to give you a raise and as many days off as you need. You deserve it. Before everything happened, London told me you seemed like a good, loyal worker, and I know that’s true. Most kids would have stolen from me by now, and you haven’t. You’ve only worked for me a week and a half, but you’re always trying hard. I’m not just giving you money because of what happened, or to say I’m sorry, although that’s true too. You deserve it.”

  He was still pacing and pulling his fingers through his black hair, messing it up.

  “I don’t need new stuff,” I said. “I just want to go back to my life.”

  He gave me that sad smile of his.

  “Money complicates things too much, doesn’t it?” he said.

  I took a deep breath and looked at the floor. “No kidding.”

  “Please take it. It’s rightfully yours.”

  “Yeah, okay.”

  Spitz and Fiona would be set for a while if I took whatever Doc would give us, and besides, I needed down time really bad.

  He looked at his phone.

  “It’s still early,” he said. “We could both use a long nap. What do you say? After that, we can eat and go driving around to find your friends. I don’t think we’ll survive the day if we don’t rest.”

  “Definitely.” I sagged my shoulders, really feeling the exhaustion.

  “Take the couch,” Doc said. “I’ll be upstairs.”

  I agreed to that and went to the living room at the front of the house feeling like a zombie. I collapsed onto the sofa and fell asleep on my stomach. There were no dreams, just good, hard snoozing. But I still jerked awake in a second flat when Doc shook my shoulder.

  “It’s one in the afternoon,” he said. “How do you feel?”

  I sat up and rubbed my eyes and face.

  “I’m okay,” I said.

  “Pizza is on the way,” he said, sitting on the sofa with a groan. “We can eat on the move. Do you have any idea where they might be?”

  “If I had that fancy phone, I could call Nando and ask if he’s been checking on them. I don’t have his number on the first phone you gave me.”

  “I’ll replace that,” he said.

  “One with music?” I asked.

  “Of course,” he said, and smiled.

  “Nice.”

  “Okay, so where do you think we should go?”

  “To Nando’s place.”

  He sighed and tapped his fingers on the arm rest. I wasn’t going to discuss it with him. He didn’t have a right to tell me who to date. He wasn’t my dad. We weren’t family. I knew I’d gotten it in my head that I wanted that, but I’d seen what his family was like, and I wasn’t a fan.

  “On the way there, we can look for Spitz and Fiona,” I said. “We can loop down the streets we usually spend the night on, and if we don’t find them, just drop me off at Nando’s. Is that okay?”

  “Alright,” he said. “Alright, I won’t try to control you. You know my thoughts, and I won’t push. Just know you can always come to me.”

  “I know.” I picked at my ratty pant leg, wondering when the pizza would show up.

  “So…” Doc leaned forward, elbows on his knees. “I looked at all the tests they did on you. I saw the videos too.”

  I cringed and slouched down. That hadn’t been me. Those had been twisted versions of me he’d seen. It hadn’t been real.

  “It broke my heart.” He stared into space for a moment, but kept talking. “I found what made Avi so excited. You do have an anomaly. I’m honestly worked up over it too, but I promise you, I don’t need to touch your brain. He was insane to think that was necessary. He doesn’t know the latest science like I do. Neither does Mr. Hines…that fucking follower.” He meant London.

  “What’s an anomaly anyway?”

  “It means it’s very different and unique. I’ll explain it as simply as I can. When a fielder goes through withdrawal, the drug is making transactions with your body, like buying and selling. When Avi and London put you through withdrawal, they should have seen certain numbers skyrocketing out of control. It’s an unfair transaction, like making a trade and then finding out the trader gave you a broken item. Those high numbers should have been there, and should have killed you, but they were barely elevated, Wally. It’s very possible that there’s something about you that makes it impossible for you to die from withdrawal. It’s still as awful as it is for everyone else, but you can’t die of it.”

  I widened my eyes, not knowing what to think. It was great news, for sure. I took a guess that I could still die while I was dancing, but that still made it half as likely for me to die from fielders.

  “Let me ask you something,” he went on. “In each instance when you and Spitz or other friends went into withdrawal, how many times were you the one able to make it to the dealer, or come up with the money while the others had to be tied up? Or how many times have you been the survivor?”

  God, I was thinking through every time, and I’d always gotten through it and done what needed to be done, even if I was half out of my mind. I dragged my hands over my hair. It made complete sense.

  “Every time,” I said, slowly realizing how lucky I was. Maybe Spitz had made it this far with me because I was always there to make sure he made it through withdrawal too.

  “I can buy an EEG with a cap you can wear on the field. It has a heavy battery on the back, but it shouldn’t get in your way. If you’d let me, I’d like to do my own tests. We don’t have to do it soon. I know you’ve been through a lot of trauma. You can decide some other time. Remember that you can always say no to anyone at any time, Wally.”

  As soon as he said “EEG cap” I tensed up, but when he was careful to make sure I was comfortable with it, I knew that he really was a good guy, and I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want to. I relaxed back into the sofa.

  “Yeah, I’ll just decide later,” I said.

  Doc didn’t look frustrated or annoyed, he just nodded like he liked my
answer. He took his wallet from his back pocket and took out some money. It was a lot; a thick stack. He handed it to me, and I took it, feeling like I might be getting myself into something again, but I couldn’t resist. I fanned out the bills and guessed it was around four hundred dollars in twenties and fifties. I didn’t even know how to spend that kind of money. My body was tensing up over the possibilities. How was I supposed to decide what to do with it and make sure we spent it in smart ways? Spitz’s first idea would be food. What would Fiona want?

  “Buy some clothes, alright? Warm stuff. And some boots. Spread the cash out in different places inside your clothes and pack. Don’t let anybody see just how much you have on you. Leave some here if you want.”

  “I don’t know if I’ll get army boots again,” I said.

  “Whatever will keep the rain out. You need to take better care of your feet. I’ll get you a new phone and a tablet.”

  “Can I give the old phone to Spitz?” I asked, and felt weird asking for anything after he’d just handed me hundreds of dollars.

  “Good idea. Do it.”

  The doorbell rang, and my mouth watered. God, I was hungry. Maybe since Doc was giving me a raise and all, I’d never be hungry again, and neither would my friends.

  Doc grabbed bottles of water from the clinic area, and we headed out with the pizza. I sat in the passenger’s side with my pack between my legs and the pizza box on my lap. We ate and used up a lot of napkins while Doc drove slowly through the streets with the windows rolled down. I shouted Spitz’s name now and then. They could have been in the suburbs or out towards Red House, but I doubted they would go that far without a reason.

  We ate the entire medium pizza and drank all the water by the time we’d gone weaving through the streets they might be on, shouting. I was disappointed and a little worried that we didn’t find them.

  “I’m sure they’re fine,” Doc said. “They might be indoors with a friend.”

  “Yeah, maybe. Fiona has friends like that. People who aren’t fielders.” People who weren’t homeless.

  Without saying anything, Doc drove me to Nando’s building. I grabbed my pack and opened the door, but turned around to look at him. There was something I wanted to say, but I couldn’t find it.

  “You could come back to my place and put away some inventory,” he offered.

  “No, I just…” I was starting to feel stupid. “I’ll be careful. I’ll text you later.”

  He twisted his lips and nodded.

  “Okay,” he said. “Take care, Wally.”

  I got out of the SUV and slammed the door. Always satisfying. Doc drove away as I walked towards Nando’s door to knock, but it opened and Nando stepped out, looking over at me with surprise.

  “Holy shit,” he said. “I saw the SUV through Rydel’s window and had a heart attack. I thought Doc was going to tell me you were dead or something. Oh my god, are you alright?”

  He walked down the stoop with heavy steps and came towards me like he was the one who needed to be held, not me. I’d been trying to stay alive and get back to Spitz and Fiona, not thinking about him dealing with his own best friend dying.

  I hurried to him and expected hugs and kissing, but he put our foreheads together instead, and held my face in his cold hands. His fingers played with my hair until my beanie fell off, and I didn’t care. I touched his crazy curls. They were some great curls. Nice and bouncy.

  He closed his eyes tight and breathed in and out like he was trying to get his shit together.

  “Are you okay?” he asked again.

  “Manhattan was insane. I just want to dance.”

  “I know babe. I’ll take you to the field on my bike.”

  He’d never called me babe before, not that we’d been together long or often.

  “What about Rydel?” I asked, then ran my hand over his crooked face. “Does your jaw hurt?”

  He was quiet. His hands held onto my shoulders. I could tell he felt like crying, but he was forcing it back. He was just as fucked up as I was. I wrapped my arms around him and hugged him tight. We finally kissed, and it wasn’t like kisses he’d given me before. Our lips were barely moving, but that little bit of touch was everything. I pressed closer and opened my mouth, but he flinched away.

  “Sorry,” he mumbled, and put his palm against his jaw as if even that might hurt. “It just hurts. Ever since the battle. I didn’t get hit in the face, but maybe it’s from banging the back of my head when I fell. I don’t know. My whole face…” he spread his fingers and waved them next to his face and head. “And when I sleep…I can barely sleep unless I get good and drunk, but I wake up clinching my teeth. All my dreams are about fighting.”

  “You’ll be okay,” I said, because that was what people said to each other, but he shook his head and took my hand in his and squeezed.

  “I feel like I lost myself ever since the fight,” he said, gripping my fingers until his hand shook. “I don’t know who I am. Why can’t I just get myself back? My brain isn’t right. I’m all fucked in the head, and I keep thinking, when does this stop? And I can’t believe I killed those guys for mugging you. I’m lucky I’m not in huge trouble for that. You know? I’m acting batshit. How long does this shitty fucking feeling last? And Rydel. I don’t even know what I’m supposed to feel. I just can’t feel right. I can’t be me.”

  Could there really be something wrong with him because of the battle?

  “You’re right here with me,” I said. “You’re still you. Okay? And you’ve been through a lot of shit. I have too. We’ll deal.”

  He didn’t answer. He just hugged me so that I couldn’t see his face. I wanted him to take fielders with me so bad. I knew he would be alright after that, no matter if his brain was banged up and his face hurt, but I was afraid it would sound pushy to say that.

  We stood on the sidewalk like that until I felt too tired to stand. I picked up my hat and put it on. With an arm around him, I guided him slowly towards the door of his building.

  “Stay with me, Wally,” he said tiredly. “Please. Don’t go off with your friends. Okay? I can’t stand it when I’m alone. It makes me feel like I’m going to scream or something. It’s hard to even get a shower unless I know a neighbor is in the bathroom. I tried sleeping on Rydel’s floor, but his family is taking him home in a couple days. Don’t make me be alone. Please.”

  I never would have thought I’d hear him begging, and part of me wanted to tell him that I would stay every night, but Spitz and Fiona needed me too. What was I supposed to do?

  The money.

  “If the space under the stairs is empty, I can rent it for Spitz and Fiona, and I can stay with all of you, okay?”

  We went inside and closed the door behind us. Nando locked it with a shaky hand.

  “That’s smart,” he said. “If it gets too expensive for you guys, I’ll pitch in if it means you sleep in my room.”

  “Yeah, Spitz will have Fiona. I won’t need to sleep in the hall with him.”

  He walked quickly towards his room, his steps almost nervous.

  “Thank fuck you’re home,” he said. “You have to tell me about Manhattan. I was ready to strangle you for not texting, but then I figured something happened to you, and you do look like you need to dance.”

  His glance at me was worried. He unlocked his door, and we went in. When he flipped the light switch, I saw the place was a mess. There were smelly bowls of food on the bed, the sheets so tangled that the bare mattress was showing. I could see smoke in the air, and there were empty bottles of cheap booze on the floor. Without thinking, I started picking up the trash. He sat on the bed and watched me for a second, then laughed. It was a nice sound.

  “What are you doing? Are you my maid now?”

  “Ugh, don’t even say that.” I didn’t want to think about what that housekeeper probably had to put up with. “Don’t you have a trash can?”

  He got on his stomach on the bed and got a trash bag from under the bed. I took it and pu
t everything in, then tied it to keep the smells in and put it by the door. The door was still open to let the smoke out, and I left it that way when I crawled onto the bed next to him and rested my head on his stomach.

  He touched my neck, but then reached for my hand. I gave it to him expecting him to want to hold it, but he was looking at my fingernails.

  “What’s this?” he asked. “You like girly stuff? I didn’t know that.”

  “Not really,” I said. “There was this man named London…”

  I took a deep breath and told him the whole story from when I left Emporium to when I came home. He listened to me with total attention, asking questions sometimes, which got us sidetracked into talking about the chemistry stuff he was interested in, but after an hour, I’d talked myself out.

  “What a fucking horror show,” he said angrily. “I hate rich assholes. I can’t believe I was jealous when you left. I wish I could have gone with you. Nobody would have hurt you.”

  “Yeah, I know.”

  I sat up and leaned my back against the wall. There was something I wanted to ask him, but was almost afraid to. He’d mentioned the guys he’d killed for me, and I had to know.

  “Did anybody find Veronica?” I asked him.

  His eyes widened and his face twitched with emotions.

  “She’s dead,” he said, and my chest ached. “I found her living like a rat out past the docks. I killed her.”

  My hand jerked to my throat, then my face. The muscles in my gut went tense for a second. My boyfriend had killed my friend. My friend who had always had a razor handy and was a pro at using it. Everybody had loved her. It was fucking tragic when a fielder didn’t die where they belonged on the field.

  When I looked up at Nando, he saw my expression and looked away but didn’t hide his face from me. At first, I thought he was ashamed, but then he just looked confused. He’d said his head was fucked up and that was why he’d killed the other two who’d mugged me. Maybe he’d killed her for those reasons too, not because that was who he was. He didn’t seem angry or anything now. He was like a broken puppy.