Ever Loving

by Carolyne Aarsen

  The painful throb made a return visit. Mia forced herself to smile and shake her head. She wanted more than anything to sit and talk things through with Evangeline, but now was not the time. Especially not when the door of the porch creaked open and Sophie Brouwer and Jennie Bond strolled into the kitchen.

  “Sorry we’re early, but we wanted so badly to see your place,” Sophie was saying as she set her book bag on the table. She looked around and then her gaze landed on Mia. “Oh, my dear girl. How are you coping? Have you settled anything with the insurance company yet?”

  Mia felt another tremble of emotion and simply gave Mrs. Bond a quick smile. “I’ll find out tomorrow,” was all she allowed herself to say. “And I’m sorry, but I need to excuse myself to get the boys in bed.”

  “Of course, honey, we can talk later.” And as Mia shut off the television and took her reluctant sons up the stairs she heard Jennie saying to Evangeline, “Did Lacy talk to you about coming tonight?”

  Mia’s step faltered and she clung to the banister as Evangeline said yes. Oh, dear Lord, I can’t face her. Not now, Mia prayed, feeling small and petty and nervous all at the same time. And why was she coming now?

  “Are you coming, Mommy?” Josh asked, pulling on her arm. She gave him a quick hug, as if to anchor herself to her present. Her children needed her. She had to forget about what she needed.

  And as she tucked the boys in later and prayed with them, she clung to the faith that had sustained her through other dark times in her life.

  Help me to trust in Your unfailing love, she prayed as Josh recited his usual bedtime prayer. Help me to be thankful for what I have. For my children. Help me to take care of them. To put You first in my life, and then them.

  But even as she prayed, a voice echoed a wish for someone to take care of her.

  She took a slow breath, started down the stairs and came to a full stop halfway down.

  From here she saw Lacy Miedema standing in the kitchen, chatting with Evangeline as she helped her put the treats on a plate.

  Today, Lacy wore a blue tank top covered with a filmy white blouse with large, pale blue polka dots, tucked into slim-fitting blue jeans. Ropes of various silver necklaces hung down her neck, bangle earrings flashed from her ears. On her narrow feet she wore gladiator sandals. She looked fashionably adorable with her loosely curled blond hair flowing over her shoulders. Young and cute and fresh.

  In spite of her own skirt and makeup, Mia felt old and dowdy and tired just looking at her.

  She took a breath and was about to go down the stairs when the porch door opened and Nate stepped inside the kitchen. A bright smile lit up Lacy’s face.

  “Hello, Nate. Nice to see you again.” Lacy tilted her head to one side, her hair flowing across her shoulder in an artlessly flirtatious gesture. “How is Nola’s foal?”

  Lacy knew about Nola’s baby. Mia had treasured that moment as something special between her and Nate.

  Mia clutched the banister as the implications of that sank in. He and Lacy had talked before. And why not? He had her number in the pocket of his jacket with a note that said: “call me anytime.”

  Mia shoved her rough hands with their ragged fingernails behind her back and slouched down the stairs, trying not to draw attention to herself. Nate had his back to her as he sampled some of the goodies that Lacy had arranged on the plate. Mia slipped around the corner and dropped into the nearest chair. Jeff sat beside her, but he and Angie were laughing at something he was showing her in the book they were to discuss.

  Mia didn’t want to listen to Nate and Lacy, but it was as if every nerve in her body was tingling with awareness.

  “I don’t know if I’ll have time. I’ve got a futurity to get ready for,” Nate was saying to her.

  Mia’s heart skipped as she tried to still the sudden panic his words had created, reminding her of what he had said this morning.

  “I’m thinking of attending,” Lacy was saying.

  “It’s a great competition, if you’re interested in cutting horses.”

  “Interested? I’m addicted. I have some horses at my father’s place. Doc Bar and San Peppy are in their pedigree.”

  “Wow. Cutting Horse who’s who.” Nate sounded full of admiration. Lacy obviously spoke Nate’s language. Was obviously not as afraid of horses as Mia was.

  A perfect match for him.

  “I’d love to see your horse Tango, if I may?” Lacy was asking. “He might be a good stud for my mares.”

  “Sure. I need to talk to you, anyway,” Nate was saying.

  Mia sat on her hands, pressing her lips together, fighting down her self-doubt. Then the sound of the outside door falling cut off Nate and Lacy’s voices. They were gone.

  “So, Mia, what did you think of the book?” Jeff was asking her.

  She blinked, pulling her attention back from Nate and Lacy to Jeff, who was watching her, his brown eyes crinkling around the edges with suppressed humor.

  “I liked it,” she said.

  “In spite of the happy ending? I know you think those are hokey.”

  Mia shrugged away his question, not sure what to think of happy endings right now when she felt as if she was in the middle of her own unhappy one.

  She looked out the living room window. From here she saw part of the yard. She caught a flash of white and saw Lacy going into the barn. Nate right behind her.

  All her insecurities and self-doubts plodded through her mind with leaden feet and the longer Lacy stayed away from the meeting, the heavier her conviction grew that she needed to do something about this. Needed to take charge of her life.

  Maybe she and her family needed some time away from all of this.

  “Forget the former things. Do not dwell on the past. See I am making a new thing.” Nate ran his finger along the words of Isaiah as if to absorb them, once again, into his being.

  Since he had come here his life had taken many quick twists and turns, dragging him to a new place.

  Nate sat back in his chair, feeling like he had to catch his breath. It had been a long, busy day. This morning he had met Lacy Miedema at her father’s place and had walked over the yard. It wasn’t the perfect spot, but it had a lot of potential. Then he had gone to the bank to see about financing.

  Finally, he talked to the lawyer in Calgary.

  The past couple of days, he had been so uncertain as to what he should do. But after talking to Denny, hearing his reassuring words made him realize that he was letting his past dictate his present. He could stay on the sidelines of life, guarding his heart, or he could take a chance.

  A chance with Mia. He had wanted to talk to her, to carefully feel her out about how things stood between them, but he hadn’t seen her all day. She had been busy, as well. Maybe after supper, once the kids were in bed, they’d have a chance to talk.

  Maybe steal a few more kisses.

  The thought put a smile on his lips.

  “Nate, you in here?” Denny’s voice echoing in the hallway of the trailer made him jump. He stopped in the entrance to the living room, his hands on his hips. “Evangeline wants to know if you’re coming for supper.”

  “Be right there,” Nate said, pushing off his chair. “Just let me wash up.”

  “So did you go to the Miedema place?” Denny asked as he followed him to the washroom. “What did you think?”

  “It’s nice. Almost perfect,” Nate said as he soaped up his hands. “The house is a bit small and the arena needs work, but it’s a great location.”

  “Price?”

  Nate grabbed a towel, thinking once again about the financial aspect of his life. “If I use Karl’s money I could swing it.”

  Denny leaned one shoulder against the doorframe, folding his arms over his chest as if settling in for a man-to-man chat. “So you’re taking the money?”

  Nate held that question a moment, hefting the weight of it. Trying to separate the man from the money. “I think I might. Unless things go really bad here.”


  “How bad could they go? I think Mia’s pretty crazy about you and her kids like you just as much.” Denny was quiet a moment. “And Nico is already coming around. Maybe he just needs to know there’s some stability in his life.”

  Nate smiled at that as he hung up the towel. “I think so, too. And I hope for Mia’s sake as much as Nico’s that we’re right.”

  “You know, you’ll do fine with this whole thing,” he said. “Besides, me and Evangeline are here. Mia’s got lots of good friends. There’s a lot of support available for you.”

  “That makes all the difference.”

  “So you think you’re going to call the real estate agent tomorrow?”

  “I’ll probably head into town. See if I can do a deal. I need to go to Calgary, too, to sign everything to do with Karl’s estate.”

  “That’s great.” Denny gave him a lopsided smile as if he couldn’t believe that Nate was actually taking his advice.

  “Really. Like you said, Karl has had too much influence in my life,” Nate said. “I want to make other plans.”

  “So glad to hear that.” Denny clapped his hand on his shoulder. “I could use your help the next couple of months. Evangeline is pulling out all the stops on this wedding. My sisters won’t hold her back and I’ll need the moral support of a brother.”

  Nate laughed as he pulled open the door of the trailer. “I think I could do that for you,” he said as they walked across the yard.

  They stepped into the house to be greeted by the smell of supper cooking. Denny walked over to Evangeline standing by the stove, stirring something in a pot and gave her a kiss. Nate looked around, listening.

  The only sound he heard was Ella burbling in the living room, playing with her toys.

  “Where’s Mia?” he asked, looking over a table set for only four people.

  Evangeline glanced over her shoulder. “She said she had to go to town and that she would be treating the kids to supper there.”

  That was puzzling. But so was the fact that she had dropped his coat off at the trailer without stopping to talk to him yesterday. He had hoped to talk to Mia last night, but it didn’t work out so he had hoped to do so tonight. He wanted to talk to her about his tentative plans. Feel her out about their future.

  And as the night progressed, Mia still stayed away, making Evangeline fretful and Nate puzzled.

  When the phone finally rang at about nine-thirty, he jumped. Evangeline answered it.

  When she came back she was frowning. “That was Mia,” she said. “She’s staying at Renee and Tate’s place tonight. She said something about needing to meet with a building contractor tomorrow. I guess she heard today that the insurance money is finally being paid out. They are satisfied that the fire was an accident. Renee had said she would babysit for her.”

  “Is she coming back tomorrow?” Nate asked, wondering why she hadn’t thought he could babysit for her.

  “No. She said she hadn’t seen her parents in a few months and her sister and brother-in-law are up for a visit, so she hoped to connect with them, as well. She said she might not be back until Saturday.”

  “Saturday?” Nate asked. “Why so long?”

  “Her family lives in Medicine Hat. That’s about three hours from here. I can’t see that she would come back right away.” Evangeline sat down on the edge of the chair she had been lounging in just a few moments ago. “Did you know she was going?” she asked Nate.

  He shook his head, wondering why Mia hadn’t told him. Technically, he didn’t have any right to know her comings and goings, but still. He thought they had an understanding.

  Mia didn’t call again that night, nor did she call him or Evangeline the next day. He tried to send her a couple of text messages, but she didn’t respond to those either.

  Nate dragged himself through the next few days. He spent some time with Tango, doing dry work without the cows. He was pleased with Tango’s progress. He stopped deep and drew back well. His sweeps were clean without any hesitation. He was as ready as he could be.

  And each time his cell phone chimed, he jumped. One was a call from Lacy, asking him if he could come to her father’s place to look at her horses, but he put her off. One was a call from Arden that Nate let go to voicemail. Arden had said that he was looking forward to him coming and working with him and his horses. As he contemplated what he had once planned, plans that had been subdued to whispers the past few days grew to shouts the longer Mia stayed away.

  He also got a phone call from Karl’s lawyer’s office confirming his appointment. No matter what happened with Mia, Denny was right. He may as well take Karl’s money and make it his own.

  By the time Saturday came his frustration and disappointment had melded into anger. Maybe he didn’t deserve an explanation, but he thought he had made fairly clear that she mattered to him.

  Obviously, the same wasn’t true for her.

  He felt his old anger return.

  The past few weeks, life had sent him down roads he hadn’t chosen. He thought he had come to a good place. And now?

  Now it seemed time to take control of his life again. Be the one in charge. He needed to take Tango out on a ride. He strode around the barn, heading for the corral just as a minivan pulled onto the yard. He came to a halt as Mia got out, but she didn’t see him.

  The boys, however, did and as the other side door opened, Nico exploded out of the van, running toward him, arms outstretched.

  Nate felt like a knife had been plunged into his stomach. Unsure of what to do, Nate stayed where he was, not moving. Nico’s steps faltered and he came to a halt when he saw that Nate wasn’t coming toward him. Socks, however, was under no such restraint and ran straight to the boy, prancing around him, tongue hanging out with eager expectation. Nate saw the question in the boy’s eyes as Nico absently petted Socks and it turned the knife.

  Did he dare reconnect with the boys until he knew what was going on with Mia?

  “Nico. Josh. Come back here,” he heard Mia calling out as she lifted Jennifer out of the van.

  She looked over at him, then away with no word of greeting. No sign that he was even there.

  His question was answered.

  So he whistled for his dog that looked from him to the boys as if torn, as well. Then Socks obediently trotted toward Nate and followed him back to the barn.

  Mia knew Nate was watching her as she carried Jennifer and Grace up to the house. She felt his look, as real as a touch. But she couldn’t go to him.

  Too easily she remembered how Al’s betrayal had cut her.

  Nate was no different.

  Déjà vu all over again, she realized. And this time it was worse. Al had never mattered to her as much as Nate had. That’s why she had left. She needed time away from the situation to find her independence again.

  “Can we go see Nate?” Josh asked as he trotted alongside her up the sidewalk. “I want to show him the bow and arrow that Grandpa got me.”

  “Not right now, honey,” Mia said, trying to keep her voice even. Calm. Motherly. Trying not to let the tension at seeing Nate creep into her voice. “I have to get the girls in bed and you and Nico need to get some lunch, then a nap. This afternoon we have to go back into town.”

  When Mia had called Evangeline this morning to make plans, her friend had said that Nate might be gone this afternoon. Something about him going to Calgary. So Mia had planned her trip to arrive at noon while he was gone.

  But when she saw him standing by the corral her heart dropped into her stomach. She wasn’t ready to see him yet.

  Then as soon as she brought the girls into the house, they started crying. Josh started whining and Nico sat on the floor, kicking his feet at a chair.

  It was as if they had immediately picked up on her mood.

  She stepped up the pace, filling sippy cups for the girls, slapping together a quick sandwich for the boys.

  “I don’t like ham,” Josh said, pouting at the bread Mia had put in front of him. N
ico’s only response was to push the plate away.

  Mia bit down her frustration. The past few weeks she had gotten used to having help with her kids. Her parents had been great and before that, Nate...

  She cut that thought off. Nate was out there, she was in here. She couldn’t face him yet. She had four kids, a fact hammered home every day she spent with her parents and her perfect sister, who couldn’t envision having a kid, let alone four kids. The subtext in all of her sister’s comments was that four kids were such a huge burden, she couldn’t imagine how anyone would choose to take that on. And poor Nico. What extra trouble. And twins? My, oh my.

  All this was said with a smile and a modicum of admiration at how Mia managed, but nonetheless, each sympathetic word struck like an arrow at Mia’s own insecurities.

  Why would someone like Nate want to take on all this?

  The time away from the situation made her see everything more clearly and with less of a romantic eye. Seeing Nate with Lacy was a wake-up call. Mia knew she could never give Nate, or any man, what someone like Lacy could.

  She was on her own.

  She packed the girls up the stairs, stopping at the top to catch her breath as Grace almost slipped out of her arms. When did they get so heavy? So awkward to carry?

  Grace immediately started crying when she got to the bedroom and Jennifer squirmed away from her as she tried to change her.

  Just get through this, she reminded herself, biting down on a sudden burst of frustration. Just do what comes next.

  Finally, she had them ready for their nap and as she closed the door on them, she paused a moment, letting the sudden quiet wash over her. Just a minute, she told herself. Just a few seconds of peace.

  Then she heard a thump and a cry from Josh. “No, Nico. You have to stay here.”

  Stifling a sigh, she pushed herself away to deal with the next crisis.

  Nico stood by the porch door as if ready to leave.

  “Where are you going?” she asked, walking over to his side and kneeling down beside him.

  Nico grunted, pulling on the door. Mia suspected he wanted to go out to see Nate.