Never Tell People What You Do

by Bruce Kasanoff

  Few of us understand the anxiety, confusion, and uncertainty that comes with overwhelming need. People in the midst of personal disasters are reeling. They can’t think straight. Their nerves may be shot. Their confidence may be nonexistent.

  We all know affluent, outwardly successful professionals who lack confidence, and—at least temporarily—the ability to think straight. Can you imagine how people must feel in the midst of outright failure?

  Rushing to offer a struggling person long-term advice is a waste of time.

  Instead, it makes far more sense to help them regain their equilibrium. Once this happens...once their ears, heart, and mind open…then you have an opportunity to teach a new skill.

  What does it take to decide whether a person needs a fish before a fishing lesson? Two things:

  1.) The ability to pay attention : Is the other person open and receptive, or looking at the world through narrowed eyes that tip off just how terrified they feel inside? You can’t just take their words at face value, because claiming to be fine is a basic survival skill. You have to look at how the person acts—and what they don’t say.

  2.) Empathy : The more successful you are, the harder it is to imagine what it must be like to be the opposite.

  My job is to listen to people. That’s the only way I can communicate what they have to say. In other words, my success depends strongly upon empathy.

  Empathy reveals whether the person...

  believes that what you have to offer is likely to be of use to them

  has the capability to do what you suggest

  is calm and focused enough to absorb information right now.

  For example, an entrepreneur just told me that he spent a Tuesday afternoon telling one of his managers how to sell more effectively; but by Wednesday morning, she had come in and quit. In retrospect, he realized that the very idea of selling terrified her.

  Along these lines, I give a fair number of speeches—and am always grateful when my clients understand that it takes time, preparation, and focus in order to get up in front of, say, 300 people. My most empathetic clients ask what I need, supply it, and then give me room to prepare. Guess what? They get the best results.

  The greater your ability to understand another person’s experience, the more successful you will be. Empathy makes you a better friend, leader, partner, and colleague.

  Empathy makes it possible for you to spot a person who succeeds because she works twice as hard as everyone else—even though she tries to hide that fact. Once you grasp this reality, you will understand why she does not like to speak off-the-cuff…because her performance depends upon advance preparation.

  Empathy will enable you to better understand the challenges of a co-worker with a disabled child or a parent in decline. You will learn that the person isn’t bored or disinterested, but simply exhausted from too little sleep and too much stress.

  Despite knowing the importance of this quality, I am often disappointed by my own lack of empathy. If you and I are actively working together, I’m generally pretty empathetic—but in many cases, I fall into the out-of-sight, out-of-mind trap. I forget birthdays, and don’t think to check in regularly with people who are close to me.

  This, in fact, is the main reason I wanted to write about empathy. I’m not just reminding you to be more empathetic; I’m reminding myself, too.

  And by the way…don’t trust everything you read on the Internet, where the “give a man a fish” saying is attributed to everyone except my Uncle Nathan.

  When You Are in Distress

  A while back, I was pretty stressed out, thanks mostly to a seemingly endless stream of minor (but irritating) problems. It got so that I was reacting negatively almost immediately to each new development. Some people spend entire years in this state.

  Fortunately, I realized what was happening, and managed to disrupt that negative cycle of gloom and doom. Here’s how I did it— along with a few other proven tips for staying calm:

  1. Exercise: After years of resisting the fitness armband fad, I went out and bought three of them: one each for myself, my wife, and our 15-year-old son. We immediately connected our accounts, creating an ongoing challenge to see who could a.) walk at least 10,000 steps per day; and b.) exercise more than the others.

  In truth, I didn’t need to “beat” my wife and son, but since then, all of us have increased our activity levels and crushed the 10k-a-day step level experts say represents the minimum needed to be healthy.

  2. Goodbye, 1 a.m. bedtime: I’m a night person, and love to fiddle around late at night when everyone has gone to sleep. The quiet gives me time to think and work—but going to sleep late just makes me an even worse morning person. More importantly, I don’t have time to exercise and get my work done unless I get up early…so hello, early bedtime. I was in bed last night at 10:30 p.m., and had started writing this article at 6 a.m.

  These first two tips are pretty basic, and I mention them only because they helped to dig me out of a hole. The next three are more universal, and also more impactful…

  3. Anger = you lose: There are two types of Hollywood fight scenes. In one, the main character gets mad and triumphs over a stronger opponent. In the other, the opponent gets mad, and the main character wins. The second is far more realistic.

  Once you lose your temper, you are in danger. You grow rash and stupid. Your vision narrows. You become easy prey for anyone who wants to defeat you.

  In tough times, you must keep this truth at the front of your mind. Once you give in to anger, you lose. Don’t let others bait you, push your buttons, or simply annoy you with their ineptitude.

  Ask yourself: “Who is in charge, my brain or my emotions?”

  4. React slowly: I often watch stressed-out people respond immediately to every text message, email, and phone call that annoys them. In many cases, you can’t even say, “Could we take a second to talk?” before they blast out a reply.

  This is an absurd, crazed habit.

  Remember Number 3. Take your time. Let others wait, even when they claim they have no time to wait. Focus upon your own goals, and staying calm and in control. It is nearly always better to be intelligent than instant.

  5. Ask Yourself “ Why? ” Before you make difficult decisions, ask yourself, “Why am I doing this?”

  Are you reacting on the basis of ego (“they don’t know who they’re dealing with”)?

  Are you simply making the same decision you’ve made ten times before, without considering whether those past decisions got results that made you happy?

  Be sure to make decisions because they are the right path to your long-term goals. Remain true to your personal and professional values. Listen to the people whose opinions you most respect.

  If all else fails, try this:

  Count.

  Simply count while you inhale and exhale. You can do this silently—which makes it easy to accomplish in a meeting, or when you are on the phone listening to someone else drone on and on.

  There’s no need to adjust your breathing. It doesn’t matter whether you count to 1, 2, 3, or 1,000, 2,000 or 3,000.

  Just count.

  Count for a minute at a time, or for 30 minutes. Count twice a day, or 10 times. Count how long it takes you to inhale, then count how long it takes you to exhale. Keep doing it. Does it change? How? What changes, exactly?

  Does your breathing change? How? When?

  Just count.

  In my experience, this has several benefits:

  You stop thinking for a bit: Counting replaces my incessant mental chatter with a pattern of numbers. It gives me a break. It pulls me out of the cycle of worry, anger, and agitation.

  You gain awareness: In a typical breath, I’ll inhale to a count of five, then exhale to seven. When I’m especially stressed, I breathe to just three. Counting shows me how stressed I am, and it provides a dashboard for determining when I’ve actually relaxed. When I’m truly relaxed, I only take three breaths per minute.

&
nbsp; You relax faster: Counting gives you a feedback mechanism for stress, and it doesn’t require any batteries or external devices. Feedback lets you shift your state more quickly.

  It’ s top secret: No one else has to know that you are counting. You don’t have to announce, “I have become more mindful,” or “I am going to class now.”

  Here’s the best part. Once you have counted for a while— perhaps for a few days, or a few weeks—you will actually be relaxed enough to move on to other positive habits that have not worked for you in the past. This is because you will be tackling them with a deeper understanding of how your body works: when you are tight versus relaxed, and how long it takes you to relax.

  Don’t try to learn a new skill while you’re suffering. Instead, restore your health and sanity first.

  The Best Talent is Bringing Out Talent in Others

  “A superior leader is a person who can bring ordinary people together to achieve extraordinary results.” Many years ago, an entrepreneur told me that. He was right.

  But this isn’t just true of leaders. It’s true of all human beings.

  I’ve come to believe that the most valuable talent is being able to recognize hidden skills possessed by others. Why? There’s only one you, and you only have so much time—but if you can succeed in bringing out the best in others, you gain remarkable leverage.

  So very hard...

  I’m not just talking about recognizing talent. I’m talking about being able to recognize a look in someone’s eyes that tells you something valuable is burning inside that person.

  I’m talking about realizing that if you take Jake’s drive and mix it with Julie’s intelligence and Dave’s creativity, you will transform three mildly-effective people into a spectacular team.

  I’m talking about looking past what’s “wrong” with others, and instead seeing what’s special about them—in very pragmatic and actionable terms .

  How do you do this?

  Here’s a short list of ways you can bring out the best in others:

  Really pay attention. Instead of rushing past a person, or barely acknowledging their existence, you could choose to stop and really look into their eyes. Look at their body language. Consider what they are NOT saying and NOT doing. Ask yourself why.

  Consider two possibilities. One is that they have more value to add, but are unwilling (yet) to show greater initiative. Another is that they lack the confidence to utilize their “hidden” talents in a public fashion. Look for ways to offer motivation and support.

  Magnify the quietest voices. Money, power, and influence often flow toward the loudest voices in an organization—but sometimes, the quietest voices possess the best answers. Can you think of a way to magnify the quiet voices?

  For example, I once visited an organization and was greeted by dozens of outgoing, warm people. One young woman, however, sat quietly in a corner, studying a book. It turned out that she had recently moved from China, and did not yet have a strong mastery of English. She was a genius who had performed at Carnegie Hall as a teenager, and held a perspective both broader and deeper than virtually anyone else in the room.

  Think about ways you can identify and encourage these quiet gems.

  Mix things up. Watch for opportunities to create non-intuitive combinations of people, ideas, and circumstances. You can do this through social events, discussion groups, or even a carefully-orchestrated meeting. You can do this by introducing people via email, and giving them a reason to interact.

  Many times, we make the mistake of waiting for others to initiate change. You might be thinking: This isn’t my job, I’m not the head of the department/division/company . The truth is, anyone can do this—and no matter who does it, that person is cultivating the amazing skill of bringing out the best in others.

  Look past your own biases. Most of us are drawn to certain types of people. They might be like us, or they might simply be people who like us.

  If all you do is to follow your natural instincts, you will be blind to most of the talent on Earth. You need to cultivate an appreciation for people who think, act, and feel differently than you. This is a tremendously difficult challenge.

  One way to start is to make others feel important by listening— really hard, with 100% of your attention—to what they have to say. Then repeat back what they told you, so that they know you’ve understood. It’s a small step, but an important one in the right direction.

  If you only interact with people within your comfort zone, you will seldom achieve anything great. Almost by definition, spectacular progress requires that disparate ideas and talents come together in unprecedented ways.

  Yes, yes—I know that you have many fine skills. You are intelligent and hardworking, and you probably “exceeded expectations” at your last job review. But enough already about your talents.

  What really matters is the degree to which you bring out talent in other people.

  I have a friend—let’s call him Craig—who does this without thinking. He walks into a room and starts asking questions. He wants to know the most interesting things you know, so he listens intently to your answers. He does this for a while, then he starts making connections.

  “Wow, I had no idea you were so interested in sketching. Jane, the creative director down the hall, teaches a Sprint class at The New School, and she helps people of all skill levels visualize out-of-the-box solutions.”

  He’ll do the following all afternoon:

  exhibit curiosity

  ask probing questions

  compliment initiative and experimentation

  connect people and ideas.

  Craig seeks pleasure, not credit. His reward is an interesting day, week, month, and life. He delights in finding and identifying the best you have to offer.

  You don’t have to act like Craig…but you absolutely should develop your own ways of bringing out talent in other people.

  Just to be 100% clear, I’m not telling you to “manage” other people. You can bring out talent in neighbors, friends, relatives, or the clerk at your local store.

  The next time you dine at a restaurant, ask your waitress what she recommends, and see if you can shift her mindset from order-taker to trusted advisor.

  Become someone who cultivates talent in others. It will enrich your life and supercharge your career.

  And what if you DO manage others? Could it be that your own drive, passion, pride, or…well…ego is standing in the way of your ability to bringing out the best in the people around you?

  Many of the entrepreneurs and executives who ask me about getting better performances out of their employees can’t see that their own ego and biases prevent this from ever happening.

  If you don’t believe me, check to see how many of these best practices you are willing to adopt:

  1. Always give credit to other people: The single best thing a leader can do to encourage his or her employees is to always give them the credit for major achievements. By doing this, you become a valued coach instead of someone who is competing with them for glory.

  2. Encourage collaboration rather than competition: If you want to build a true team, reward members for working together. This is not what most leaders do. Instead, they compare one person against another, which only serves to breed distrust and prevent any sort of true collaboration.

  3. Praise effort, not talent: Only a lucky few possess immense talent—which means that only a small portion of your team can shine when compared on the basis of talent. Effort, however, is something everyone has the potential to offer your team, which means this metric is inherently inclusive.

  4. Be clear about what you reward: Don’t ask people to do one thing, but pay them to do something else. Too often, management gives lip service to certain things (i.e., “ great customer service”) but rewards the opposite (“sell, sell, sell!”).

  5.Combine honest feedback with compassion: Don’t sugarcoat employee feedback. Give employees the straight scoop, but do it in the spirit
of helping them. If someone falls short, offer them a second—and even third—chance to use your feedback to improve their results.

  6. Offer many paths to success: The weakest organizations recruit people who think and act like the leadership team. The strongest ones know that there is strength in diversity and constructive dissent. It is far better for a member of your team to spot a flaw in your strategy before it rolls out than for the market to annihilate your business when you fall victim to groupthink.

  7. Be open-minded: Yes, you need a vision, and you need clarity—but neither requires you to insist that everything happen your way. The smartest leaders I know recognize how few answers they personally possess, and delight in gaining new insights from their team members.

  Here’s the bottom line: the more you seek to serve others, the better your results will be. Serve your customers, employees, and investors. Do it with all your heart and soul. Do well by doing good.

  20 Ways to Get a Raise

  “Dear Bruce,” writes an account executive from a large tech company, “I gotta get a bigger apartment and a car that impresses instead of embarrasses. How do I get a raise, FAST?”

  Well, Racing to Riches, I can’t promise you a fast raise or a quick promotion, but I am able to reveal 20 rules that, when followed closely, will vastly increase your long-term compensation:

  Rule 1: You actually have to do stuff. Companies pay employees based upon what they accomplish, not how many cars they would like to pack into their garage. Don’t spend your time plotting for a raise when you should be actually accomplishing something.

  Rule 2: Avoid threats and taunts. Yelling at, threatening, or begging from your boss seldom results in more than a pity raise, and pity raises are nearly always followed in the coming months by pity terminations—as in, “We think it is our duty to help you get on the right path in your career,” which loosely translates to “Work anywhere but here.”

  Rule 3: Never bluff your boss. Do your research. If you don’t know the answer to a question, try saying, “I don’t know, but I will find out immediately.”