Liv

by Mikaela Bley

  ‘Poor guy,’ Philip said with a sigh. ‘Remember when he gave you that gold heart that was divided in the middle, and he’d engraved your name and his on it?’

  Ellen nodded. ‘Yes, ugh, yes. And when he bashed in the door to the bathroom because I wasn’t chosen for the school team … Jesus, I don’t even remember what sport it was. Do you want another one?’

  ‘Yes, I don’t think it’s as bad with vodka.’

  She laughed and got up to mix two new drinks.

  ‘We’re out of ice, so these will be piss-warm drinks.’ She handed one to Philip.

  They leant back in the bay window and sipped the drinks.

  ‘I thought I heard something last night. It sounded like motorbikes. I don’t know, I was probably dreaming. Dr Hiralgo wants me to write down all my dreams.’

  ‘I can interpret dreams.’ His eyes lit up. ‘Mia in Make-up has taken courses in dream interpretation and knows all that stuff about tarot cards, and she’s taught me a lot. Wait, I’ll get the book from my bag.’

  He was back quickly. ‘Now, wait. Which letter comes before M again? Damn, you can never really learn it. Here it is. MOTORCYCLE. Okay, listen. You are driving yourself or sitting on the back of a motorcycle that is rushing along on curving roads. The dream is erotically tinged, and both the motorcycle and the speed are symbols of sexual experience. Ha, so you did sleep with Didrik?’

  ‘No, and I didn’t dream that I was riding a motorbike.’

  ‘You were dreaming about Jimmy. How was it seeing him today?’ He closed the book.

  She thought for a moment about how to put it. ‘You know, I think that Jimmy can make fire with his bare fingers.’

  ‘What? Wait, say that again, I’ll just get out my phone.’ Philip was about to fall out of the bay window with laughter. ‘You don’t know how good that sounded. Say that again and I’ll film it.’

  ‘Come on, you know what I mean.’

  ‘No, how would I? No more vodka for you.’

  She laughed too.

  After a while he grew serious. ‘You are just as smitten with Jimmy as Didrik is with you. A burnt child dreads the fire. Or, a burnt child should dread the fire. Stay away from him, Ellen. Promise me that.’

  THURSDAY, 21 AUGUST

  ELLEN

  9.00 A.M.

  It had been three days since Liv Lind was found dead, and interest in the murder was growing. Most newspapers, radio stations, and TV channels were now reporting on the case. Ellen had set up a meeting with Liv’s sister, Sara, at the intersection of Odengatan and Sveavägen, outside Hard Rock Cafe. They’d agreed to go for a little walk. Together, they strolled slowly down Sveavägen towards Haga Park.

  Sara was wearing a short white lacy dress. Her hair was long and blonde. Her breasts were enormous, perhaps because she was still nursing, thought Ellen, trying to calculate to herself how old the child in the pram was. It was hard not to stare at the generous décolletage. Besides the colour of her hair, she didn’t particularly look like her sister, or at least not in the pictures Ellen had seen.

  The heat was tangible, and Ellen had a hangover. Again. They’d had far too much alcohol the night before. She’d had time for a quick breakfast in the bakery of the building where she lived, but could barely get the cheese croissant down. Her throat was sore from the cigarettes, and she decided, once again, not to smoke any more.

  Most of all she just wanted to lie down on the ground and close her eyes. Where should she start? You could almost touch Sara’s pain. She’d tried to cover up the dark circles under her eyes, but had instead managed to accentuate them even more.

  ‘The woman from the police said it was okay to talk to you, that you’d also lost a sister and understand what I’m going through.’

  Ellen nodded, but at the same time was taken aback. How did Carola know that? Had Ove told her? ‘That’s true, but we were little. Only eight years old.’ As if that had any significance or for that reason their situations couldn’t be compared. Carola should have checked with Ellen before she made her loss public.

  ‘To be honest, I have no idea why I should talk to you,’ Sara said, stopping. She took out a baby bottle and stuck it in the mouth of the little one in the pram. ‘He’s too little for this heat. I have to try to get some water in him,’ she over-explained, as if it was written on Ellen’s forehead that she didn’t have children or know anything about them.

  ‘What’s his name?’

  ‘Otto, after my husband’s grandfather. He’s six months old.’

  Ellen nodded. ‘He’s really cute.’ And so blissfully ignorant of everything happening around him, she thought.

  ‘I don’t want Liv’s death to be nothing.’ Sara’s eyes filled with tears, but the tears wouldn’t flow any more. ‘Do you know what I mean? What happens now? Will she just disappear and be forgotten by everyone?’ Her voice cracked. ‘I think I see her everywhere.’

  Ellen placed her hand on Sara’s shoulder, even though she knew that wouldn’t help. ‘Were you close to each other?’

  She shrugged. ‘Come on, let’s walk a little so maybe he’ll fall asleep.’

  A faint northern Swedish accent broke through now and then, but Sara seemed to make an effort to talk like someone from Stockholm.

  ‘We saw each other often, but I don’t know that we were that close. Not the way sisters should be. Unfortunately. I would like to have had that sister, you know, that everyone talks about.’

  Ellen nodded and was surprised at her frankness.

  ‘Liv is, or was, my big sister, but life was never that easy for her. I think she was always jealous of me, and I guess that affected our relationship.’

  ‘What was she jealous of?’ Reflections of this kind were interesting, where someone thought that someone else was jealous of them. Most of the time, it wasn’t true, and was mainly in the eyes of the beholder. As if the whole universe revolved around that person.

  ‘Of everything. It was as if whatever I did made her more depressed, and it escalated when I met my husband, Jesper. You know, I’m the younger one, but I got married before her, and I had a kid first. She’d always wanted to have children, and I almost thought she was going to hit me when I told her we were expecting Otto. To be totally honest, I wasn’t able to cope with solving her problems all the time, I have a life of my own.’

  Sure, although Liv clearly wasn’t doing that well, thought Ellen, and you seem to be doing fine anyway. But she kept that to herself. What did she really know about how Sara was doing? Then she thought about how Liv had finally gotten pregnant, but didn’t live to have the child she’d longed for.

  Sara went on. ‘How could I have thought that way? I’m so horribly ashamed now.’

  Ellen let Sara collect herself before she asked the next question, though she knew that that sense of guilt would never go away completely. ‘Did she tell you she was pregnant?’

  ‘Yes. I think she met someone six months ago, and after that, she was more positive. She even offered to babysit Otto so that we could take a holiday and go climbing. Jesper loves to climb.’

  And what about you? Ellen thought, but managed to keep quiet. She couldn’t help being fascinated by women who talked by way of their men. They never said what they themselves liked, but instead just talked about what their husbands liked and what they wanted to do. Even when they weren’t even present.

  ‘Should we take a turn around Haga Park?’ she suggested, even though she really wanted to sit down.

  Sara looked down into the pram and determined that Otto had fallen asleep. ‘Yes. To be honest, it’s kind of good to be able to talk this out a little. With someone I don’t know. Nice to get out, too. I find I can’t talk to my parents now and carry their grief, too. I’m lucky to have this little guy, it forces you to keep on living. You’re not going to put this on TV, are you?’

  ‘No, you don
’t need to worry about that. I’m just trying to get an impression of the whole thing, to see what we can do, but of course I won’t do anything without your approval. When did you last talk, you and Liv?’

  ‘A few days ago. She was out walking in the city, she was going to buy something at Åhléns in the city. I think it was last Friday. Yes, it was.’

  ‘Was she with anyone?’

  ‘I got a feeling that there was someone there, but I don’t know.’

  ‘What gave you that feeling?’

  ‘Maybe because she didn’t ask me if I wanted to meet up — I’m on maternity leave and live nearby. But she might have just been in a hurry?’

  ‘What did you talk about, do you remember?’

  ‘Nothing special. She was extremely happy that she was going to have a girl. They’d just found out because she’d had some amniotic fluid tests done, well, thanks to her age. It was in the nick of time, or however you want to put it.’

  They passed Stallmästaregården and took the walking path along Brunnsviken.

  ‘Do you know who the father of the child is?’

  ‘No idea. I understand if you think that’s a bit strange.’

  ‘I have no opinion on it.’

  ‘She’d been seeing this guy awhile, but we hadn’t gotten to meet him. No one in the family did. My parents live up in Umeå and are really old, but she could at least have introduced him to me. She was so secretive about it. Said that it was complicated. Jesper and I think he was married. But the fact is, we never got to meet her guys. She was with the one she was seeing before this one for several years, and we still never met him.’

  ‘Why not?’

  ‘Maybe she just wanted to keep him to herself. But isn’t it strange that he doesn’t show up now when she’s dead — murdered? When she was expecting his child and everything …’ Sara was starting to walk faster.

  Ellen hurried along beside her and tried to hide that she was getting out of breath from walking at Sara’s pace.

  ‘Did you ask why you weren’t getting to meet him?’

  ‘Yes, of course, but she just said that it was complicated, but that I would get to meet him soon.’

  ‘I heard something about her having quarrelled with your parents, do you know anything about that?’

  Sara stopped and looked at Ellen, as if she was thinking about whether she ought to answer or not. Something made her continue. ‘Liv struggled so hard to find her perfect someone — she wanted to have children and always felt the clock ticking, and my parents’ nagging only made that worse, of course. She couldn’t handle it. I understood her. At the same time, I would try to explain to her that she had to stop being so choosy. I think she was searching for a guy who was perfect. How do you explain to someone that she’s not that perfect herself, and that you have to stay in your league? Do you know what I mean?’ Sara lowered her eyes.

  Ellen nodded, although she wasn’t sure she really did.

  The water in Brunnsviken was completely still. They walked through the shady forested areas and past the expansive lawns. Ellen rarely visited Haga Park and reminded herself that she ought to go more often. It was one of Stockholm’s loveliest parks, with its open areas, where people were currently sunning themselves and enjoying the warm summer day.

  ‘What do you think happened to your sister?’ Ellen asked after a while.

  Sara thought before she answered. ‘I don’t know. She didn’t have any enemies — not as far as I know anyway. I don’t know who she would have angered, if that’s even what it was. Maybe the wife of this man, if it’s true that he was married. I don’t know anything. It feels like I don’t know who she was!’

  A few people who were strolling or running in the park turned around and looked at them.

  Ellen lowered her voice. ‘Do you think she was abused by her boyfriend?’

  Sara stopped. ‘No, I don’t think so. Why do you ask that?’

  Ellen shrugged. ‘I don’t know, I was thinking if she had bruises or something?’

  ‘No, not as far as I know, and in any case, she probably wouldn’t have told me.’ She took a deep breath. ‘This sounds so awful, but it was like she wasn’t the sister I wanted her to be. We weren’t particularly close. We were more like competitors, or … I don’t know.’

  ‘Don’t say that. You’re upset and sad now.’ Ellen placed her hand on Sara’s shoulder again. She had a lot of emotions circulating, and grief could express itself in lots of strange ways.

  They walked past the packed outdoor café by the Copper Tent. Mugs and plates clattered, and the buzz of talk and laughter was lovely to hear. ‘Did she have any friends?’

  Sara was silent a moment. ‘Not many, and the ones she had she drifted away from. They all had kids and moved on in life.’

  Ellen suddenly felt great sympathy for Liv.

  ‘She didn’t have any colleagues, either, because she ran her own accounting firm.’

  Was there anyone who was close to Liv Lind?

  Ellen had contacted some of Liv’s clients the day before, but none of them had met Liv personally, and they couldn’t describe her other than that she’d been precise and capable in her work.

  ‘What was she doing in Stentuna, do you think?’

  ‘No idea, I’d never even heard of Stentuna before this …’

  ‘What was she like in person? You can tell me if I’m asking too many questions.’

  ‘When you didn’t know her, she could be as charming as anything, and she’d really make an effort, but after a while it’d be as if she ran out of the energy to care. Maybe that’s why she worked alone. I don’t know. She was tough and had a hard shell. It’s hard to explain what she was like. Ugh, it sounds so awful when I put it like that. She was … a fine person.’

  Ellen nodded understandingly. They walked in silence for a little while before Ellen continued. ‘Was Liv active on social media?’ She hadn’t found very much on that front, but wanted to hear what Sara had to say about it anyway.

  ‘No, she posted a few pictures sometimes. She had an Instagram account under the name “Living” — she registered it early on and was very pleased with her alias, said she could probably sell it for a lot of money.’ She chuckled a little. ‘Maybe I should sell it now?’

  Ellen smiled politely.

  Sara told her that they’d grown up in Umeå like a normal family, but nowadays they rarely went there to visit.

  ‘What was your relationship like then?’

  ‘When we were little? Why do you ask?’

  ‘I’m just trying to get a picture of her.’

  Sara thought briefly before she answered. ‘Well, we liked each other, but we argued quite a bit. As siblings do, I suppose. Liv always thought that she was treated worse than me. And maybe that’s actually how it was. Pretty lousy of our parents really. I didn’t understand a thing then, although now, in retrospect … But I was probably easier to handle.’ Her eyes filled with tears again. ‘Can we turn back now?’

  ‘Absolutely.’

  They wandered silently up through the woods.

  ‘I call her voice mail several times an hour. Just to hear her voice. It’s the only thing I have left of her. I’m terrified they’ll disconnect the number. Do you think the murderer has the phone? It feels really sick to say, “the murderer”.’ Sara swallowed, and it was obvious that reality was striking her with full force.

  ‘I don’t know,’ Ellen said, without trying to soften it. ‘Do you know if there was anything missing from her car?’

  ‘No, or, I don’t know. The only thing I thought of was that her ring wasn’t there among the things that had been collected. Wait, I’ll show you. She was extremely proud of that ring. She posted it on Instagram. I asked if it was an engagement ring, but it wasn’t.’ Sara took out her phone and showed the picture.

  It was a gold ring
with a cross on it. ‘Was she religious?’ Ellen asked.

  Sara shrugged. ‘No, no more than I am. We go to church to get baptised, married, and buried. Like that.’

  ‘Can I see again?’ Ellen looked at the screen more closely. Beneath the photo, Liv had written My new addition followed by an emoji heart. ‘Did you ask her what kind of ring it was?’

  ‘No, but she had some strange ideas. I don’t know. She never asked me anything.’ Sara lowered her voice. ‘Maybe she was dating some religious fanatic or some kind of criminal. Jesper and I have wondered about a lot of different scenarios. The only thing that’s certain is that Liv wanted to have kids. She really wanted to have kids …’ Her voice cracked. ‘And now, when she’d finally gotten pregnant, this happened. For what? Can you tell me? To become nothing.’ A tear ran down her powdered cheek.

  ‘Listen to me, as far as I’m concerned, Liv isn’t just one among many. I’m going to do everything I can to make sure she isn’t forgotten.’

  ‘I asked to be allowed to see her. She was just lying there on the stretcher. You understand? Broken!’ Sara cried and sobbed by turns.

  Otto started to whimper in the pram.

  Once again, Ellen saw it, the shock that hits you when you realise it’s too late. When things can no longer be made right. When what’s said is said and what’s done is done. When it’s no longer possible to say sorry or I love you.

  Death meant ‘never again’.

  ELLEN

  12.30 P.M.

  Unlike most of the women who passed through the doors to the women’s clinic, Ellen was not welcome. Finally, they let her in anyway, after she explained her business in detail and convinced them that she wasn’t going to film, that her visit was in line with their operation, and that the interview would only take a few minutes. She had asked to speak to someone who could serve as spokesperson for the clinic and knew that the director had made statements in the media before. It was not by chance, either, that Ellen was visiting the clinic that was closest to Liv’s residence, even though she knew they could neither confirm nor deny that Liv had been there.