Liv

by Mikaela Bley

  ‘Why didn’t you tell me you’d seen the video?’ She could barely talk, and the more she exerted herself to breathe normally, the harder it was to get air.

  ‘What?’

  ‘Where are you going?’

  ‘I needed to get away.’ He started walking again and Ellen tried to keep up with his pace. Suddenly, he stopped. ‘What do you want, Ellen?’

  ‘What do I want? My God, you’ve seen a video where it looks like I’m in a fistfight, and I thought maybe we should talk about it.’

  Then he turned around and grinned scornfully. ‘No, it doesn’t look like a fight, it looks like you’re having sex with a man in the water in a way that’s totally sick. It’s violent. It’s disgusting.’ He walked towards her, raising an admonishing finger. ‘And do you know what the sickest part of all is? Do you know that?’ Ellen shook her head. ‘That it happened the same day, Ellen, that I slept over with you. Same fucking day!’ He turned his back to her and walked in the opposite direction.

  She stood there a few seconds before she followed him. Took hold of his arm to get him to stop.

  Jimmy tore himself loose. ‘What are you doing? Don’t touch me. Is that the way you want it? Violent, do you like that? I don’t get it, I thought I knew you.’

  ‘Hold on, is that what the problem is? How I had sex with another person, not that I did?’

  He snorted. ‘The same day, need I say more? It hurt to see it. I’ve been so wrong about everything and betrayed …’ He touched his forehead.

  ‘Can you listen to what I have to say about it all?’

  ‘To be honest, Ellen, I’m not interested. I think the pictures speak for themselves. It’s over. I can’t take any more.’

  ‘Over?’ She bit her lip so hard that she tasted blood. ‘There’s never been anything to be over. What did you do after you slept with me? Went home to your little family and acted as if I didn’t exist. How do you think that makes me feel? You lied to me for months and didn’t even tell me you were living with another woman, that you had a child with her.’

  He looked distant, as if he was totally unreachable and several miles away. Lost.

  ‘Sorry,’ she said quietly in a final attempt to save herself. ‘I don’t know what happened.’ Even if she had no obligations to him.

  Jimmy stopped. ‘That morning, Ellen. I don’t know if you understand what you do to me. You make my whole existence wobble. I was prepared to leave everything. I was so happy when I left you at Örelo. I can’t understand that I’m saying this now. It felt as if I would do anything at all for you. And then that night I saw this. I know I don’t have the right to say anything, and that’s why I haven’t. You were the one who sought me out. I have a daughter, that’s all. You know exactly how things are. You know that I want nothing more than to be with you, but then you have some fucking …’

  ‘It was sex. Just sex.’

  ‘That’s enough for me.’

  ‘So fucking unfair. But what does that matter, really.’

  ‘It doesn’t.’

  He left, and Ellen stood there a little while, before she turned back to the office, alone.

  ALEXANDRA

  12.05 P.M.

  Bea was sitting in front of the computer in her room and barely reacted when she came in. The blinds were pulled down, and the screen lit up her face. She hadn’t left her room since the outside world got wind of their family arrangement, and the newspapers started writing about them.

  Alexandra went up and put her arms around her. ‘It’s going to be fine.’ She wished she could believe that herself.

  Bea quickly closed down what she’d been doing on the computer. ‘Lay off, Mum. Don’t come in here and snoop. You have no right to be here.’

  Alexandra didn’t even want to know what she was up to and instead breathed in the scent of her daughter. Even though her daughter reeked of smoke and resisted, Alexandra finally got the endorphins she needed. She let go and went to the door.

  ‘I love you, honey,’ she said, closing the door carefully behind her.

  Märtha was sitting on her bed in a bathing suit, sorting cards and talking to herself. The children were allowed to stay home from school, she hadn’t had the energy to nag them this morning, and she didn’t want them to have to deal with mean comments about what was being said about them in the newspapers.

  Alexandra looked mournfully at her daughter and wished that Märtha hadn’t had to end up in the shadow of her sister. What had happened to this family? It was time she stopped putting the blame on anyone else. Somewhere in all this chaos, she had been forced to realise how bad things really were.

  She went up to Märtha, leant down, and snuggled up against the back of her head. Whispered how much she loved her and then slipped quietly out.

  Patrik was still asleep. He’d come home late from Hanna’s and had been completely distraught; she’d hardly been able to get a sensible word out of him. He rambled, and the only thing she’d been able to understand was that Hanna had left him and that she’d told the police everything. He also told her that their car had been identified on surveillance cameras the same night that Liv was murdered.

  Now she and Patrik were the only ones left, and even though that was how she’d always wanted it, all she could feel was emptiness.

  Alexandra took her handbag, went out to the car, and backed onto the street. Before she drove off, she stopped and looked up at the house and the plants all around it. Saw that the cracks outside the kitchen window had grown so large that the whole facade probably needed plastering.

  She drove down towards the city. Slowed down in front of the sausage stand and read the tabloid placards that screamed out her family’s tragedy. Suddenly, the tears came. It was time that she, too, told her story. Nothing had any significance any more. Everything was already out. She would report her own daughter, and tell them how everything was actually her own fault. She would tell them that Bea hadn’t been home the night that Liv was murdered, and that Alexandra had driven all over town and Stentuna looking for her. That was why their car had been seen on the surveillance cameras.

  It was time for the police to take care of Bea; she couldn’t manage her any longer. She would file a report against herself, too. She was just as complicit in all this as Bea was. She hadn’t been much of a parent.

  ELLEN

  10.45 P.M.

  After the evening broadcast, Ellen closed down the computer and drove to her apartment at Skeppsbron. She had just barely managed to deliver a short segment, but she hardly remembered what it had contained. Jimmy hadn’t come back to the office. She tried to call him, but Agatha answered because he’d had his calls forwarded to her. She felt completely empty and cold. As if she could put her hand on the stovetop without even feeling it.

  She would stay in the city tonight, even though her mother had been trying to get hold of her all day. She couldn’t bear to answer. She parked on the other side of Skeppsbron, and trotted across the street and over to her entrance. Looked quickly over her shoulder. She felt like someone was following her. And she was right.

  ‘Ellen!’

  ‘What are you doing here?’ Ellen stopped and looked at Didrik. ‘It’s the middle of the night. How long have you been here?’ How did he even know she would be arriving now? Had he been waiting for her?

  ‘A long time, but it was worth it. Now you’re here.’ He gave her a kiss on the cheek, which she didn’t have time to duck away from. ‘I just wanted to say hi and see how you were doing. I’ve been feeling so bad about what happened, and Dame Margareta said that you must be in Stockholm.’

  ‘Stop saying “Dame”.’ She walked up to the entrance, entered the code, and opened the door. ‘I’m completely worn out and need to sleep. We can talk tomorrow, okay?’

  He took hold of the heavy door. ‘I’ll go up with you.’

  She resisted, b
ut soon gave up.

  Didrik followed her into the elevator. Ellen didn’t have the courage to stick to her guns; it didn’t feel as if she had any choice. He probably would have climbed up the facade if she hadn’t let him in.

  ‘You really are everywhere,’ she said with a sigh.

  He grinned contentedly, as if she’d paid him a compliment. She wondered whether she should tell him about the video, but didn’t know how he would react, and she couldn’t bear to talk about it. In the next breath, she wanted to ask about the grain, but something told her that she should drop it.

  ‘Oh, so modern. Black and white. Nice,’ he said as they stepped out of the elevator on the top floor. ‘Cool. It’s like a home decorating article in some glossy magazine. A long way from Estates and Farms.’ He laughed.

  ‘Are you joking with me now, or are you really so out of touch with your own generation?’

  ‘I brought some food with me,’ he said, setting a bag on the table.

  ‘Of course you did.’ She put her keys on the table and kicked away the mail from the doormat.

  ‘Take a bath or something, I’ll set the table and get the food ready.’ He rubbed his hands together.

  Even though the air was warm, it was nice to slide down into the hot bath. It burnt her skin, and it was nice to feel physical pain. She lit all the aromatic candles she had in the bathroom. Dropped various oils into the bath, breathed in the perfumes, and tried to transport herself to another place.

  Several times, Didrik knocked on the door and asked questions. ‘Where do you keep your spices?’

  He sounded very surprised and disappointed when she told him that all she had was salt, Tabasco, and cinnamon.

  ‘I don’t see any oil.’

  Every time he knocked, she was scared that he would come in and creep down into the tub.

  Ellen held her breath and put her head under the water. She counted how long she could hold her breath, then she took a deep breath under the water. More water rushed in than she’d expected, and she almost panicked. She tried to come up, but slipped on the bottom. Flapped her arms and managed to lift herself, coughing up water. The whole time, she could hear the sound from the video in the back of her head.

  ‘Are you okay?’ Didrik pounded on the door.

  ‘Yes.’ Can’t you just go away, she wanted to scream, but didn’t dare.

  When she came out of the bathroom, he had set out steak tartare with side dishes and some version of homemade French fries, without oil.

  Didrik stood and looked at the wall with Elsa’s and Lycke’s pictures. ‘What is this?’

  ‘Nothing. Come on, let’s eat,’ she said, not feeling any appetite at all. The cooking smells nauseated her.

  He stood there a little while before he sat down across from her at the dining table.

  ‘Nice table,’ he said. ‘Rustic. I love French country tables.’

  ‘Thanks.’ Ellen picked at the food, pulled the beef out on the plate, and made small patterns in the raw meat.

  ‘Would you like some wine?’

  ‘No, thanks.’

  ‘Ellen?’

  ‘Please. I don’t have the energy to eat or talk. I’m not feeling well.’

  ‘Because of me and what happened. I wish I could undo what happened at the shore.’

  She left the table and curled up on the couch. Turned on the TV. Didrik followed her and placed his legs over hers.

  A feeling of discomfort streamed through her body, and she didn’t know how she ought to handle the situation. Quickly, she zapped between the various programs.

  ‘Do you have trouble making choices?’ He pinched her on the cheek. ‘Maybe we should watch one of these?’ he said, browsing through the porno and horror films that were spread out on the coffee table.

  She carefully pulled her legs away, so as not to make a scene out of it, and continued channel surfing — quickly, quickly — between the various programs, before she turned the TV off and turned to him.

  ‘Why does my mother buy grain from your farm?’

  ‘What?’ Didrik looked genuinely surprised, and Ellen could sense some uncertainty behind the tough facade. ‘Don’t worry about that, it’s not something for a sweet little brain like yours.’

  ‘Stop it, I want to know. Why does she buy grain from you, when she grows her own?’

  ‘Because it’s cheaper.’

  ‘No, I saw the invoices.’

  ‘She’s had some bad harvests.’ He shrugged nonchalantly. ‘It’s something your mother and mine agreed on long ago, which I’ve inherited. I don’t know why. Some things you should just let be.’ Didrik leant back on the couch and put his feet on the coffee table.

  ‘When Elsa disappeared, did you see it?’

  ‘No.’ He leant forward and kissed her on the mouth. Again, she didn’t have time to turn away.

  ‘Did you and your mother go to the police? What was it you saw? Was it birds screeching?’

  He put his finger against her mouth.

  ‘What is it?’ Ellen didn’t understand. ‘Answer me!’ He didn’t seem surprised at her question, and that only confirmed her suspicions.

  ‘Yes, I was there, and I saw what you did. But stop now. If I were you, I wouldn’t ask any more questions, and instead just be nice to me. I’m always going to protect you.’ He smiled.

  He smiled?

  For some reason, she got the feeling that she ought to do exactly what he said. She tried to get up, but he moved his legs from the table and placed them over hers again, as if to lock her down.

  ‘Please, I’m not feeling well. I have to go to bed.’

  After a pause, he moved his legs so that she could get up.

  Slowly, she went into the bedroom, although she actually wanted to take the elevator down and run away from there. She carefully closed the door, took a few deep breaths, and lay down on the bed. Tried to sort out her thoughts and get her heart to slow down. ‘Death, death, death,’ she repeated several times.

  It didn’t take long before Didrik crawled in beside her, but she pretended to be asleep and hoped he would believe that. He pressed himself close to her and coiled his legs around her body, and she got that unpleasant, out-of-body feeling, as if she was observing the situation from above. After a while, she heard his breathing get heavier. She slipped out of his grasp and moved away from him. Tried not to let her thoughts wander off too far into the darkness.

  Her phone vibrated. She looked quickly at Didrik, afraid that the sound had woken him up. When she’d assured herself that he was asleep, she took out her phone.

  It’s me, please let me in.

  She slipped carefully out of the bedroom, over to the elevator, and saw Jimmy through the surveillance camera. She felt a physical rush of relief, and she opened the door without thinking about it.

  ‘Ellen,’ he said when the elevator doors opened, looking at her with his big brown eyes. ‘Sorry. I’ve been trying to work everything out in my head.’

  ‘Shh,’ she said.

  ‘Why?’

  She couldn’t answer.

  He was casually dressed in jeans and a grey college sweatshirt, but looked forbidding. His chest was tense. ‘Sorry, I have no right to judge, I just got so flipping upset. I’ve never felt so powerless as when I saw that video. It was as if life was over, everything fell apart. Actually, I’d already realised at Örebo how strong my feelings are for you.’

  ‘Örelo.’ She smiled.

  ‘Sorry, Örelo. I have tried my hardest not to fall in love with you, but I don’t know why I even try. It won’t work. I can’t go on like this any longer. I want to do something. I can arrange to see Bianca every day, we can live close to them, or maybe Bianca will live with us. I don’t know, we’ll work it out. Just as long as I can be with you. I know I’ve handled this shabbily. I should have told you I h
ad a family from the very start, and I should have done something about the situation a long time ago. And I will have to make sure that Jeanette doesn’t harm you. No one will harm you. I promise.’ He paused and changed his tone. ‘Ellen, I’m prepared to do anything at all for you.’

  She stared speechlessly at him and bit her lip. Her legs would barely hold her. She was thrown between hope and despair on all levels.

  ‘Come in,’ she said after a while.

  ‘What’s going on here?’ Didrik came out of the bedroom in just underwear, scratching his eyes.

  Ellen started breathing heavily once again, it felt as if she was standing on the railway tracks.

  ‘This is Jimmy. Didrik.’ She had almost forgotten that Didrik was there.

  Jimmy stiffened, but extended his hand, and Ellen could see how his eyes darkened.

  Didrik did not respond to his gesture. ‘Who are you, and what are you doing at our place in the middle of the night?’

  ‘Stop,’ said Ellen. At our place? He was out of his mind. ‘This is my boss, and Didrik is an old friend of mine,’ she tried to explain as calmly as she could.

  ‘I know who you are,’ said Jimmy. ‘I thought that …’ He looked down at the floor.

  ‘It’s not what you think. Didrik stopped by, and …’

  ‘Ellen, can I speak with you,’ said Didrik. ‘Come!’

  His voice sounded as if she had no choice, and she followed him into the kitchen.

  ‘Listen to me very carefully now. Do you remember what we talked about earlier? Damn it, I’ll do anything for you, but what is this? Are you shitting with me?’

  ‘How can you say that?’ He was out of his mind. She didn’t recognise him, or perhaps that was exactly what she did. ‘That’s my boss.’

  ‘Are you lying, just like you’ve always done? I heard his little declaration of love.’

  Ellen ran over to the bedroom.

  ‘Where are you going?’ he called after her.

  ‘I have to go out, and when I come back, I want you to be out of here.’ She pulled on a dress and grabbed her handbag. When she came out into the hall, Jimmy was gone. She looked around.