He paused and looked at Mom. “I will spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to you all.”
When she looked back at him, her eyes returned nothing but love.
“Are you moving back to Pinehurst?” I demanded, looking at my mother.
Dad shook his head. “No, I am moving here. I’ve retired and my new business will be spending time with this beautiful woman right here.”
Mom giggled.
I raised my eyebrows and looked at her. She was giggling?
It was strange to see her like this. I could barely remember what she was like before the divorce. When she actually had a personality.
She looked me directly in the eyes. “Just be happy for us, Claire. This is what I want. I want to be happy. Don’t I deserve to be happy?”
“Yes, but…” I protested, feeling conflicted.
“There’s no but. You don’t get to decide what makes me happy and what doesn’t. I love your father. I always have. Yes, I spent many years being angry, but that is all in the past now.
She paused, looking between Dad and me.
“We are in love and we are happy. Just, let us have this, okay?” She said it gently, almost pleadingly.
I looked at the two of them and realized I needed to stay out of it.
If they could make it work, then so be it.
“I am happy for you. I am…” I said, looking at Mom. And I meant it.
Who was I to judge her decisions? If she could forgive him and move on, why would I stand in their way?
I got up to walk to the door and my dad followed behind me, catching my arm.
He cleared his throat before he started to speak. I yanked away from his grasp putting my hand on the doorknob, wanting to leave, not wanting to hear what he had to say.
“Claire, I am sorry that things haven’t been good with us over the years. I want them to be better. I want to spend time with you and the boys. You don’t know how happy it makes me to know that I am a grandfather.”
“You have a fine way of showing it. When is the last time you came to see them?” I barked back.
“I haven’t come because I didn’t feel welcomed. I just want us to be a family again. Can we do that?” he said, his face strained.
I looked at my dad, beginning to go bald. The hair that he still had was turning slate grey. He was aging, but softly. His brown eyes, the same as mine, still sparkled with the fire of a young man. He had been handsome before and still was.
Sometimes when Grayson smiled, I could see my dad’s smile reflecting on his face.
I broke away from his gaze. His desire for reconnection was not shared by me.
“Well, you should’ve thought about that a long time ago. I’m happy for Mom, but don’t think you’re getting the same welcome mat at my house.” My words came out harsh. I was shocked at my ability to speak to him that way.
“You think you know everything about the world, Claire, and you don’t. You shouldn’t be so closed minded,” he responded.
“Close minded?” I shrieked. The air was charged, and before I could say another word, Mom closed in.
“What’s going on here?” she asked, looking between the two of us.
Pushing the door open, I stepped away from them both of them, calling back, “Nothing, nothing at all.”
I walked out, letting the screen door slam behind me.
As I approached my car, I heard Mom calling from behind.
She met me out on the walkway.
I turned to look at her. She was blinking back tears.
“You shouldn’t treat your father that way, Claire. He’s a good man.” Her voice trailing.
“A good man?” I scoffed. “You can’t be serious?”
“There’s things that you just don’t understand and probably never will.” She shook her head and stared off into the distance. A breeze kicked up and rustled the leaves on the trees nearby. We stood together silently for several moments before she spoke again.
“I am sorry for the shock it gave you by stumbling in on us this way. I wanted to be able to tell you myself. I’m sorry it didn’t work out that way. I just wasn’t ready yet. But I guess things have a way of working themselves out.”
I nodded in agreement as a squirrel ran up the tree in front of her house, an acorn in its mouth.
“Listen, don’t tell your sister or your brother yet. I want to be able to tell them myself. I promise I will do it soon. No sense in procrastinating, now that the cat is out of the bag.” She half laughed.
“I promise…” I said.
She turned and walked back onto the porch where Dad was waiting for her. They both waved as I drove away.
When I got home, I told Ben about everything, leaving nothing out.
He laughed, hysterically. “I guess your dad’s still got it!”
I shuddered, remembering the moment I opened my mom’s bedroom door.
Ben approached me with a playful look in his eyes. “You think we’ll still be doing it when we’re that old?”
I couldn’t answer; I was looking over his shoulder at the calendar. It had already been switched over to a new month.
A day early.
Ben must’ve done it while I was gone.
June.
A knot came up in my throat and I knew the tears weren’t far behind it.
I ran to the bathroom, closed the door and turned on the fan. I sat down on the closed toilet with my hands in my face.
Ben knocked softly on the outside of the door. “Hey, are you okay in there?”
“I’m fine,” I answered weakly.
What else could I say?
Chapter 20
May 31st
The early mornings were the worst part of the day. That blissful moment of waking shattered as reality came crashing down around me and a deep sense of loss would rise up in my heart.
The realization jolting me forward, as if I was hearing the news for the first time.
This particular morning, I was given a pardon. The first thought to enter my brain, instead of June 3rd, was Jamie. Today was her annual Memorial Day party and I had completely forgotten about it.
I didn’t want to go.
How could I go to this party and pretend that everything was great and normal?
Suddenly, the bedroom door swung open and Ben appeared, wearing a wrinkled Hawaiian button up shirt that I had never seen before. I imagined that he must’ve gotten it from the bin in the attic filled with his old college stuff.
“Who’s ready for the party?” he shouted as he jumped on the bed, kissing my face all over.
“Where did you get that shirt?” I asked, trying not to smile.
“What? You don’t like it? I was trying to be festive!” He laughed as he feigned offense.
“It’s not a luau!” I rolled my eyes and laughed.
He jumped off the bed and strutted around the room, showing off his best Hawaiian dance moves.
I shook my head in defeat.
Maybe it would do us all some good to go to the party.
We arrived at Jamie’s house right on time and parked behind a white Passat with a bumper sticker that read: Grandma Life.
I looked at Ben and grimaced. “My parents are here?”
He shrugged. “I didn’t invite them.”
I had to fight every urge inside of me to ask Ben to take us back home. I just couldn’t deal with my parents right now.
I turned and looked back at the boys, their faces beaming with excitement, and their eyes glued to the top of the bouncy house peeking over Jamie’s fence.
I couldn’t do that to them.
I didn’t want them to miss out.
With the boys leading the way, we walked through the thick grass of Jamie’s perfectly manicured yard, and when we stepped ar
ound the back of her house, we were greeted with the mouthwatering aromas of grilled hamburgers and hot dogs.
Every year Jamie’s Memorial Day party had gotten a little bigger, and this year she had gone all out, ordering the bouncy house, a balloon guy, a cotton candy stand, and a DJ.
There looked to be about thirty people here, not including children. I couldn’t even begin to count all of the kids. They were running back and forth between the cotton candy machine and the bouncy house in a sugar rushed frenzy.
No sooner did we enter the backyard, the boys disappeared into the bounce house too, with Ben right behind them reminding them to take off their shoes.
The party buzzed with music and laughter. I moved through the guests wearing a mauve top with wide-legged white pants and my hair pulled back into a low ponytail, and passing people mingling. Their voices twirled together into a low hum.
I looked around and saw my parents by the beer cooler, talking. I moved away before they saw me and quickly spotted Jaime. She was surrounded by a group of people, queen of the hour. She saw me at the same time and waved as she slowly removed herself from the group.
She ran up and hugged me. She was wearing a pink polo shirt, white Bermuda shorts and a big smile.
“I’m so glad you’re here!” she said as she wiped her forehead off with the illusion of sweat. “This party has nearly been the death of me!” she exclaimed.
She told me about the disasters that preceded everyone’s arrival. Including the first batch of hamburger patties being rotten, and the party supply company trying to deliver a miniature carousel instead of the bounce house. Then the brewery was out of kegs, so she had to buy “umpteen thousand bottles of beer.”
I laughed. She glared back at me. “You think that’s funny?”
I nodded, and she laughed too.
“Yeah, maybe I will think it’s funny too after I’ve had a few drinks. I haven’t had time to do anything yet.” She sighed. “I don’t know why I plan these things!” She rolled her eyes sarcastically and laughed.
“Well, speaking of planning things, what are my parents doing here?” I asked.
She laughed in response. “Talk about a surprise! I invited your mom because you told me that she had been lonely lately, and then she shows up with a date! Your dad, no less! I nearly crapped my pants!”
I shrugged. “Yeah, apparently they’re back together.”
“That’s a good thing, right?” she asked, her eyes on me.
I shrugged again, not wanting to get into it.
She went on, gossiping about this person and that person. Who came to the party and who didn’t even have the courtesy to RSVP. I listened, but all the while my eyes were on Ben. He made his rounds, shaking hands with several of the men, putting his hand on their shoulder as they spoke. A comforting gesture that he had learned from dealing with his clients.
He looked up and checked on me every once and a while.
Our eyes would meet and he would smile.
Jamie had stopped talking without my notice. I was still watching Ben.
“What in the world is going on with you, girl? You haven’t taken your eyes off of that man. Haven’t you seen enough of him at home!?”
When I looked back at her, I laughed.
Just then, some of the guests spotted her and headed in her direction.
“Here we go!” she spouted back to me as she walked over to greet them.
I looked over and saw the boys climbing out of the bouncy house, their bangs wet with sweat.
“You guys been having fun?” I asked as I met them at the entrance.
“It’s so fun! But Oliver keeps tripping me,” Grayson complained.
“I’m hungry,” Oliver said as he rubbed his tummy.
I led the boys over to the food table to let them pick what they wanted to eat. Seemingly out of nowhere, Ben was behind me, tickling me and startling me so much, I almost dropped the plate full of baked beans I had just made for Oliver.
“Hey, you’re awful cute? Wanna go home with me later?” he said as he raised his eyebrows up and down dramatically.
I giggled. “That was the plan.”
He started dancing. “Oh yeah, I’m gettin’ lucky tonight.”
Oliver looked up at his dad. “What are you winning, Daddy?”
“I’ll tell you when you’re older!” Ben patted him on the back and winked at me.
We got the boys seated on the grass with hot dogs, beans, and cans of Fanta orange soda.
Ben put his arm around me as “Billie Jean” by Michael Jackson blared out of the DJ’s speakers.
Sitting close by was Annie and her family. She waved at me joyfully. I hadn’t seen Jessica yet. I wondered if she had even come.
After the boys finished eating, I went to get Ben and me a beer.
As I walked toward the cooler, my dad spotted me and headed straight in my direction. I felt the muscles in my back tense up as I fought the urge to walk in the other direction, away from him.
“Can I talk to you for a minute?” he asked.
I reluctantly agreed as he led me to the side of the yard, away from the hustle and bustle of the party.
“I didn’t like the way we left things yesterday,” he started. “I know a lot of your resentment has more to do with Mandi than me leaving your mother. I know that you believe that I always favored her. I want you to know that I never favored her, but I did give her extra attention because I felt that she needed it. I never meant for you to feel less than.” His were eyes low to the ground.
Mom suddenly appeared behind him, swaying, her eyes glassy with alcohol.
“Why don’t you just tell her the truth?” she demanded, her words slurry and sticky.
Dad’s face was silent. Cold.
“What truth?” I demanded.
“No!” Dad said, his voice stern as he looked at Mom.
“It’s time. You’ve been the bad guy long enough,” she said as she patted his arm. Her eyes filling with tears.
“I won’t do it,” he said harshly as he turned and walked away.
Mom took another long sip of the beer she was holding.
We stood together under a trellis of grape vines, tiny grapes forming overhead, silent for several minutes.
Finally, she spoke.
“You don’t know the whole story about your father, and it’s time you did. He’s suffered long enough.”
She sat down on the ground and I sat next to her.
“Before you were born, I did something that I am not proud of. I was young and stupid. Lonely. Bored. I don’t know. There’s no excuse, really.”
She paused and then started again.
“Jonathan was in school and I had gone to the grocery store. On the way back, I picked up a hitchhiker wearing a backpack. He was a drifter making his way to Virginia when I saw him. I don’t know what made me stop that day. There was just something about him. He was a beautiful man. Red hair, lean muscles. Sexy.
“Needless to say, we ended up at a motel and we made love all afternoon. By the time I got back in the car to go pick up Jonathan from school, the groceries had spoiled. I never asked his name and I never saw him again. And nine months later, Mandi was born.”
My mouth dropped open. “Are you saying that Mandi isn’t Dad’s child?”
“Yes, that’s exactly what I’m saying. I didn’t tell your father until much later. But he knew something wasn’t right. We had been going through a dry spell and had barely made love, so when I turned up pregnant, I could see the question in his eyes. Part of me wanted to believe that somehow the baby was his, but when she was born with that same vibrant red hair as the guy that I had the affair with, I knew the truth.” Her face solemn as she spoke.
The wind kicked up and blew across my face as I looked down at the grass underneath me. Picking at it.
Listening.
“And finally, one day, I just told your father. I couldn’t hold back the truth any longer. He was devastated…but he didn’t leave me. He said that he loved me—and he loved Mandi, just the same as if she were his own child. What more could you ask for?” she said as she shook her head.
“But the guilt was too much. I wouldn’t let him get close to me. And that’s the real reason that he left. I pushed him straight into Linda’s arms.” Her voice choked on bitter tears.
She took another sip of her beer.
“He wanted to come home. Put the family back together. He begged me, and I refused him. I wouldn’t have it. I was too bitter. Angry at myself. Angry at him. I wanted to hate him for going off with Linda, but I knew it was me that pushed him away, and she had been just a band-aid to his pain. I spent many years in a literal hell, hating myself for what I did to him. To us. To our family. It was me that destroyed our family. All he wanted to do was put us back together again.
“And he never wanted you kids to know about what I did. He wanted Mandi to know him as her father. Her real father. He did everything he could to show Mandi how much he loved her. That’s why it seemed he favored her, Claire. He was overcompensating. God love him for it. He did the best he could.”
I sat beside her in silence. The words wouldn’t come. I didn’t know how to feel. I had so many questions but nothing came out.
After a while, I got up and walked away.
I searched for my dad and found him sitting alone under a tree. His face in his hands. I went over and sat down next to him. He looked up at me. His eyes worn with stress.
“Why did you do it?” I asked. “Why did you take the blame, all of these years?”
“I did it to protect your mother. And to protect you kids. Especially Mandi. Something like this has the potential to ruin everything, and I wouldn’t have it.” His voice was strained as he spoke.
“But, it kind of did anyway…I mean, look at us,” I said bluntly.
He nodded. “Yeah, I suppose you’re right. I guess I just didn’t want to be found out as an imposter. I love Mandi. I really do. There’s no difference between her and you and Jonathan. You’re all my kids. The only thing I regret is that my misguided efforts ended up hurting you. I never meant for that to happen. I love you so much, Claire. And I’m sorry for not being the best dad I could’ve been.” His head lowered in shame.
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