I scooted up closer to him and put my arm through his and leaned into him, fighting back tears.
“It’s okay, Dad,” I whispered.
We sat together like that for a while, and when I got up, I kissed his cheek.
“Dad, try not to worry too much. Everything will be okay. I know it,” I told him.
“Are you going to tell Mandi?” he asked, looking up at me.
“No,” I answered. “You and Mom will have to.”
He nodded in response as I walked away.
I stood in the middle of Jamie’s yard, as the evening drifted in, the sky turning purple and orange as the party dwindled and people drifted away. Suddenly, Ben was next to me. Arms around my waist, kissing my neck. His presence coursing through me like a river rapid as I inhaled his scent.
“You okay?” he asked, softly.
I nodded and leaned into him.
We left soon after, and the boys fell asleep in the car just five minutes from home.
Once the boys were settled in their beds, Ben went downstairs, and I stood in the doorway of their room looking in.
They were snuggled in their beds, wrapped up in sleep.
Safe and sound from anything that could harm them. Their futures unmapped and filled with possibility.
How I wished I could just protect them from pain.
Emotions rolled over me, thinking about Mandi and what my mom had revealed, but mostly I was thinking about June 3rd.
It was only two days away now.
If only I could stop what was happening. Ben told me not to worry about it. Jonathan told me not to worry about it. Even Mandi told me not to worry about it. But how could I not worry about it? When everything seemed to match the dream. How could I not worry when now he would be taking the train on Wednesday? How could I not worry when I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this man? He was part of me and I was part of him. I didn’t want to be me without him.
I knew I would have to keep going for my boys. And I would.
But what I really wanted was to find some way to stop this from happening.
If I just had some way to stop fate… But fate was hell bent on destroying my family, and I didn’t know why.
I walked out into the hallway and I could hear Ben downstairs, whistling. I walked down and sat at the bottom of the stairs and listened to him. I was trying to record this moment, taking every bit in that I could. While he was still there….
Chapter 21
June 1st
It was a sunny day, blue skies and perfect cotton candy clouds were in the sky overhead. I stood on the front porch, watering can in hand giving water to the ferns, when I heard a noise coming from the other side of the hedge.
I walked off the porch and into the yard, pausing, letting the sunshine warm my face.
I heard the sound again. The distinct thwack of a hoe into the ground. I walked closer to hedge and peered through.
All at once, a rush of terror and excitement pulsed through me.
I couldn’t believe my eyes.
It was the old man!
Ed was there, and I wouldn’t let him get away again!
I ran as fast as my legs would move and rounded the hedge, startling him, as he took the hoe to the ground. He looked up at me with his bright crystal blue eyes, and I had to stifle a scream.
But yet, it wasn’t the man I saw in the photo…
Not the long-lost love of Mrs. Parks.
It wasn’t Ed…or his ghost. But a living breathing man.
So similar in appearance to Ed, it was startling.
“Well hello there, young lady!” he offered as I stepped closer. His white hair disheveled and sweat running down his brow. “My name is Bob and I think I owe you an apology,” he said as he offered me his hand. It was tinged black with deep, rich soil from the yard.
“But who are you?” I demanded, still not understanding.
“Oh, I’m sorry. I am Ed’s brother. I have been the caretaker of this place since he died. Been here off and on, getting it ready to sell. Kind of like a last goodbye, so to speak,” he said, with a soft smile and continued.
“I’ve been keeping an eye out for you. I wanted to apologize. I think I might have given you a scare not too long ago. You ran off so quickly that I couldn’t rectify the situation, and quite honestly, I was too embarrassed to knock on your door. You see, I had been cursing at these darned weeds. Crabgrass. Don’t know if you’ve had any experience with it, but it’s the darnedest weed to try and kill. I’d been treating it for weeks with a powerful herbicide that I paid big bucks for. And low and behold, that crabgrass was holding on for dear life to keep living, and I was madder than a nest of bees. I was giving the weeds a what for when I heard you scream. I knew that you thought I was a mad man, and I had never been so embarrassed in my life. I had no idea you were over there, or I would’ve never spoken that way. At least not out loud.” He laughed, shaking his head.
All at once, it all made sense. It was all a complete misunderstanding. I had been such a fool to believe he was a ghost condemning Ben to die. I wanted to laugh at the irony, but I couldn’t.
And as I walked away, I wondered how my perception of reality had gotten so off track.
I had allowed the dream to alter the way I looked at everything, and yet, I remained powerless to change it.
When I got back inside, the phone was ringing.
It was Mandi. My heart thudded at the sight of her name.
Did she know about Dad yet?
When I answered, she invited me to meet her for lunch at Celia’s Café downtown, and I agreed to go. Neither of us mentioned our parents.
She was waiting for me at a table inside. I was shocked when I saw her. Her long hair was gone and was replaced by a trendy pixie haircut. She smiled and waved when she saw me.
I sat down at the table for two next to a bright window as the afternoon sunlight poured in and warmed us.
“Oh my god, Mandi, your hair! It looks fantastic. I almost didn’t recognize you!” I told her.
She had a glow about her. Something different. A look that I had never seen before.
She smiled and touched the nape of her neck.
“I just got it cut this morning. I got this moment of inspiration to do something different. Something I had never done before. Next thing I know, I was sitting in the salon telling the stylist to take it all off. Got ten inches cut off and I have never felt better. It feels so amazing!”
“It looks beautiful. You look beautiful,” I said. It was incredible how the cut emphasized the elegance of her features.
The server came by and offered us wine, and Mandi refused. I was immediately struck by how strange that was.
Mandi never declined wine.
There was something different about her. Something I couldn’t explain.
I looked into her eyes, and at once I knew Mom had told her.
“So, I guess, they told you?” I asked.
She looked down. “Yes, they did. Last night. I don’t know how to feel about their revelation right now. It’s going to take some time to digest.” Her voice trailed off.
“I understand,” I offered.
‘But it doesn’t change much, does it?” she said as she looked at me with questioning eyes.
“No, not at all,” I answered, reaching across the table to hold her hand. “How are you? How are things with Lewis?” I asked.
“I’m good, Claire. Really good. Despite how it may seem like things are coming down around me, I don’t think I have ever been better.” She smiled as she continued.
“This morning, I found myself standing at the kitchen sink. My own kitchen sink, filled with my own dishes. A vase of daisies on the table, surrounded by soft cotton placemats that I had bought at TJ Maxx. Yes, I said TJ Maxx. Don’t judge me.” She laughed
, still caught up in the memory as the waitress filled our water glasses.
“I realized then that I was happy. Truly happy for the first time in my life. I always thought I needed a man to complete me somehow, but it’s not that at all. It’s strange for such a little thing as dirty dishes to have such a profound effect on me, but it did. Like, life finally makes sense,” she said as she tucked a stray hair behind her ear.
I looked at my sister with her short stylish hair, her face poised with satisfaction, and I saw a new person. A person I didn’t know yet, but one that I would like to know.
“How are things with Ben and that dream of yours? Did you talk to him?” she asked.
“Oh, Mandi, you know Ben. Stubborn and willful. I tried to talk to him, but he wouldn’t listen. I asked him to take my car and not take the train, and he refused outright.”
“God, what a jerk! Can’t he just get a rental car or something? Damned stubborn man!” she spouted.
I started to defend him, but she was right. He should’ve listened to me.
The waitress returned with our salads. Plated baby greens with goat cheese and walnuts.
“So, you want to hear a real plot twist?” she laughed. “I’m pregnant.” Her face was beaming.
I gave a startled laugh. “Pregnant?”
“Yes! No IVF or anything, just happened on its own. Ironic, isn’t it? I just found out yesterday. Took a test to be sure. Went to the doctor this morning and they confirmed it. I am four months along already. Craziest thing! I didn’t even know. I knew my period was late, but they had been jumbled up since I took all those hormones months ago.”
“Is it Lewis’?” I asked.
“God, yes! I might be a flirt, Claire, but I don’t sleep around!” I could tell I had offended her, but she wasn’t slighted for long.
“Are you going back to him?” I questioned.
“No way! I am doing this on my own. I know he will be a great father, but I have no desire to live with him again. I don’t need him. Not to mention, I have a great sister to help me with the baby,” she said, smiling, her eyes bright with joy.
I smiled back. “I’m so happy for you, Mandi!”
“I am happy for me too!” she said, her voice wistful and filled with a determination I had never heard before, and I instantly knew she would be okay.
We said goodbye at the door. She took my hand, hers light and soft in mine. We stood that way for several moments as people passed by us, coming and going, sharing a moment that I knew I would never forget.
And for the first time in my life, I knew that I had a sister.
I stood on the sidewalk watching her walk away until she disappeared completely out of sight. I turned and walked down the city street aimlessly. No destination in mind. Just wandering. My mind full of thoughts. Thinking about what Mandi had said about being happy on her own.
When had I changed?
When did being me become not enough? When had I morphed into something else?
Placing myself in Mandi’s shadow.
Where was that lost version of myself?
I continued to walk as golden flecks of sunlight fell down around me, and I remembered when I was young.
When I was so full of hope and life.
When I stood on my own two feet.
How did I get to this point where I doubted myself?
What had happened to that girl that loved the feel of the ocean tickling her toes and could spend hours lost in a museum, all alone? One with fierce determination to make it on her own?
I was still her.
Suddenly, all the scattered pieces came into focus, and I really saw myself for the first time in a very long time.
I hadn’t been seeing my own value until that moment.
I finally grasped my own worth.
Everything I needed in this world was right here inside of me. I lost myself when I let that first seed of insecurity take root inside of me.
Now I could set myself free. I let go of the old script and could feel the release flooding through my being. All the hurt and lost expectations, withering away. I stopped on the sidewalk and let the sun warm me as a train sounded in the distance.
When I arrived home, everything was the same it as was when I had left.
Same photos on the wall.
Same clock ticking in the kitchen.
Same reflection in the mirror.
Yet it felt different. I felt different.
And suddenly I knew that I would be okay. No matter what happened.
I started up the stairs, denying the pit of darkness rumbling against my bones.
Chapter 22
June 2nd
As dawn emerged, tiny rays of orange pushed their way past the edges of the blinds. My eyes drifted over to Ben’s dark figure still in the bed. I scooted over to him and put my head on his chest, listening the sound of his strong heart. Rhythmic and perfect with each beat. He wrapped his strong arms around me, pulling me tighter against him.
The illusion of safety.
“Are you okay?” he asked in a low tone.
I couldn’t answer him. The emotional dam I was guarding threatened to break. The thought of tomorrow ripping at my heart.
He stroked my hair softly, and as he did, the dam began to spill over the edges as tiny sobs escaped and tears ran down my face.
He sat up with a jolt and turned on the lamp, still cradling me. “Honey, what’s wrong?!”
I sat up and faced him, wiping the tears from my face with the corner of the sheet.
“I’m scared, Ben. So, so scared…” My voice cracking and choking on tears.
He scooted close to me again and put his arms back around me. Surrounding me.
Maybe now he would listen.
“Is this about that dying thing again?” he asked tenderly.
I nodded and began to cry harder.
“Honey, you have to stop this nonsense…” he spoke gently, but there was a hint of firmness in his voice. “I’m perfectly fine. I don’t know what’s gotten into you, but you have got to stop obsessing about me dying. It’s not good for you, and honestly, it’s freaking me out a little.”
I pulled away from him and looked directly into his eyes. “Then please, don’t go to work tomorrow…or today, for that matter. Please, Ben…Just stay with me…” I pleaded with every ounce of my being.
He huffed in response. “I can’t just stay home, Claire! I have a very important meeting tomorrow with a client that is flying in from Charleston. I have spent months wining and dining this client to build trust, and if I am not there, it will destroy everything that I’ve worked for. In this business it’s all about trust, and if I don’t show up to a meeting, where’s the trust in that?”
“Then reschedule it to Friday!” I offered, hopefully.
“I can’t do that. He’s flying in tomorrow morning, and I don’t have a valid reason to change our meeting. And why would I? Because my wife thinks I’m going to die? I mean, come on, that’s ridiculous!” he said, his voice now filled with irritation.
I hung my head in defeat. I knew there was no getting through to him.
He put his hand under my chin and lifted my head, forcing me to look him in the eyes.
“Hey, don’t be sad. How about I take the rest of the week off, starting Friday? We will pull the boys out of school and we will take a long weekend trip up to the mountains. What do you say?” He smiled, proud of his compromise.
I shook my head. “By then, it will be too late.”
He looked at me for another minute and got up without saying another word.
I laid back down and covered my face with the blankets as I heard the bathroom door click shut and the shower turn on.
After his shower, he came and sat on the edge of the bed. I refused to look at him. I was angry.
/> He could make all of this stop if he would just listen to me.
“I love you, Claire. I’m sorry that you’re so upset, but I’m going to be fine.” He patted my blanketed figure, then got up and walked out of the room.
I wanted to chase him, but I stayed put. I wanted to yell at him, but I didn’t.
What was the use? He would never listen.
I heard him rushing around downstairs. He had to leave early to account for the time it would take him to walk the four blocks to the train station.
Why did he have to be so stubborn?
It was over now. I was out of options. I was going to lose him and I would forever be alone.
My heart was breaking in slow motion.
Shortly after the front door closed behind him, I heard the boys stirring and I reluctantly got up, to get them ready for school.
I got them dressed and fed them breakfast, lost in a cloud of emotion. I packed their lunchboxes with unseeing eyes and left to take them to school, still in my pajamas.
When we pulled up in front of Birchwood Elementary School, I handed them each a lunchbox and gave them multiple kisses. I watched through teary eyes as they ran up the walkway and into the tall brick school building. A rush of bitterness washed over me, and I couldn’t help but wonder how the universe could deal out whatever cards it felt like?
It was unfair…More than unfair.
How could I be forced to sit back and watch it dismantle my family?
I drove back to the house in silence, without turning on the radio. The street flowed effortlessly in front of me as I drove home in a blur of thoughts. Weariness around me, thick and unpliable.
Overhead, streaks of grey were painted across the sky, reinforcing my despair.
Just as I pulled in the driveway, it began to sprinkle rain. By the time I reached the front porch, the sky had opened up and it was pouring down. The rain beat hard on the roof over me, making a rushing sound. My eyes fixed on the glimmering droplets falling in large dollops from the sky as they bounced on the walkway, quickly making small puddles.
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