Shorter, Faster, Funnier
Page 15
MARY: (To herself.) That’s a deal breaker.
(BUUUUUUUZZZZZ!)
DATE #9: (More upbeat.) Wow, you’re an editor at Time Out!
MARY: It’s okay. It pays nothing, but I get to go to a lot of free screenings and stuff.
DATE #9: That’s a nice perk.
MARY: And what do you do?
DATE #9: I’m a sex worker. (Off her look.) I’m kidding.
MARY: (Hugely relieved.) Oh, thank God!
DATE #9: Come on, look at me, like I could be a ho! (Then, fast.) Well, I am sort of in the industry. I’m in marketing. Sales and marketing. Of videos. Mostly girl-on-girl. Girl-on-guy. Girl-on-just-about-anything-human.
(Then, considers.) Actually, that’s not entirely true.
(BUUUUUUUZZZZZ!)
DATE #10: (Overly bright.) I’m a kindergarten teacher—you should see my kids!
(BUUUUUUUZZZZZ!)
DATE #11 I’m a massage therapist for birds and reptiles.
(BUUUUUUUZZZZZ!)
DATE #12: I’m a lawyer.
(BUUUUUUUZZZZZ!)
DATE #13: Lawyer.
(BUUUUUUUZZZZZ!)
DATE #14: Lawyer.
(BUUUUUUUZZZZZ!)
DATE #15: Entertainment lawyer.
MARY: Oh, that sounds interesting. What kind of stuff?
DATE #15: Making deals. Negotiating contracts. Alec Baldwin’s a client.
MARY: (Very fast, babbles.) Oh my God, I met him at a party once! He seemed like such a nice guy! I went to this screening of a movie. He wasn’t in the movie, but he was there. So at the party afterwards—at Chelsea Piers—he was about to eat this gloppy curry shrimp-ball thing, and I just walked into him! Splat! All over my blouse. And he made this huge deal, calling over the waiter and getting seltzer and apologizing profusely even though it wasn’t his fault at all!
(Silence.)
(More awkward.) And then, um … he went back to Kim Basinger. And I went back to my friends. From work. And it … it didn’t stain … in case you were wondering …
(A beat.)
(Re: the buzzer.) So, um … like, I don’t know, if you wanna …?
(He presses the buzzer: BUUUUUUUZZZZZ!)
DATE #16: (With a British accent.) And I really just adore the Upper West Side.
MARY: (A little unsettled.) It’s nice up there …
DATE #16: The stores, the park, the well-scrubbed young couples pushing babies in their prams.
MARY: I lived up there for a while when I first moved to the city …
DATE #16: And you should come back and visit us again, Mary. We’d welcome you with open arms!
MARY: Um, Gordon …
DATE #16: Yes?
MARY: It’s … the thing is … all those times we chatted online, I had no idea you were British.
DATE #16: Really?
MARY: No, you never mentioned it.
DATE #16: Well, I was born in London but came stateside when I was a child.
MARY: Okay, see, I thought you said you were from New Jersey.
DATE #16: Well, we moved to New Jersey when I was twelve. Then I went to university here.
MARY: Really.
(Smiles.) It’s such a funny thing. I had this, this … image of you after our chats. A very specific image. And I never once thought of you as having an accent.
DATE #16: (Drops the accent.) That’s probably because I don’t have one.
(A little beat.)
MARY: Sorry?
DATE #16: I was just putting you on.
MARY: You were …?
DATE #16: You got it.
MARY: Why?
DATE #16: Because I’m just really good at accents is the thing.
MARY: Uh-huh …
DATE #16: And you believed me, didn’t you? I love that you believed me. God, you’re so great!
(BUUUUUUUZZZZZ! Mary pulls out a pack of cigarettes. She’s got more of an edge now.)
MARY: Christ, am I dying for a cigarette! I would kill for a cigarette, actually—I would!
DATE #17: I really liked your Web site.
MARY: Uh-huh. So what’s your story?
DATE #17: I’m a carpenter.
MARY: What’s that supposed to mean?
DATE #17: That I build stuff. Like cabinets and benches. Recently, I’ve been working on this chair with hard-carved legs. It’s pine, and it’s … beautiful … it’s a total labor of—
(BUUUUUUUZZZZZ!)
MARY: Talk to me.
DATE #18: What can I say? I’m just a regular guy. I love holding hands, and spooning in bed at night, and waking up and having sex before breakfast …
MARY: Could you speak in anything but clichés?
(BUUUUUUUZZZZZ!)
DATE #19: I’m very spiritual. Do you know Marianne Williamson?
(BUUUUUUUZZZZZ!)
DATE #20: I can bench-press my body weight.
(BUUUUUUUZZZZZ!)
DATE #21: I knit.
(BUUUUUUUZZZZZ!)
DATE #22: I … uh …
(She reaches for the buzzer.)
Jesus, lady, I haven’t even said anything yet!
MARY: You’re right, I’m sorry. Go on.
(She places her hand inches above the buzzer, her eyes trained on her hand, ready to buzz away.)
DATE #22: (Hesitates, then.) I … like children …?
MARY: Look, pal, I don’t know what you mean by that, but I’m sure it’s totally icky.
(BUUUUUUUZZZZZ!)
DATE #23: I thought your Web site was really great.
MARY: What about it?
DATE #23: I don’t know, the way it was designed. All the photos.
MARY: (Jumps on him.) And I look like my photos. They’re recent photos.
DATE #23: (Recoils a bit.) You look just like your photos …
MARY: I hate it when people e-mail you their photos, and then you meet them at Sbarro’s, and it turns out the photos were from fucking 1991!
DATE #23: You’ve done a good job with the photos …
MARY: You got that right.
(Re: the cigarettes.) I’m gonna light one up. Let ’em stop me. Fuck ’em!
DATE #23: Um, would you mind not doing that? I’m kind of … asthmatic … and I didn’t realize you smoked actually.
MARY: Fine.
(She puts down the cigarettes.)
DATE #23: I guess I should tell you … I’ve never done this before, met someone through the Internet.
MARY: They all say that.
DATE #23: No. But it’s true … So tell me about your job.
MARY: I don’t want to talk about that. That’s boring.
DATE #23: Okay. So you like Italian food?
MARY: I used to. Too many carbs.
DATE #23: You like the Bronx Zoo, right? I love the Bronx Zoo. The gorilla exhibit made me cry.
MARY: Yeah, but have you been recently? The lines are just awful.
(A beat. He stands.)
DATE #23: Look, Mary. I should go.
MARY: Just like that?
DATE #23: I think so.
MARY: This is perfect—I don’t even know your name. Well, one less thing to remember.
DATE #23: It’s just … you’re not at all what I was expecting from your Web site. Look, maybe I’m new to this, but you seemed like this really funny, madcap sort of … I mean, those photos of you on the Cyclone laughing your head off were great. And the picture of you with your dog. And then I meet you in person and you’re …
Anyway, it was nice sharing half a latte with you.
(He starts to go.)
MARY: Wait … just … What’s your name?
DATE #23: Charlie. My name is Charlie.
MARY: Look, Charlie … it’s been a rough year. A really rough year. Why don’t you stay and at least finish your latte?
DATE #23: I’m sorry, I don’t think so.
(A little beat.)
MARY: Okay, I respect that. Well. Have a nice evening, Charlie.
(He starts to go, but s
tops.)
DATE #23: Look … I have no business being here in the first place. The thing is, I just broke up with this girl.
MARY: Really. How long ago?
DATE #23: I don’t know, like … three months ago. (Admits.) One month ago. (Admits.) Tuesday.
MARY: (Smiles a little.) I think it’s kinda perfect that you’re here.
DATE #23: But I don’t even know what I want.
MARY: You’ll figure that out.
DATE #23: I’m probably totally on the rebound.
MARY: Or maybe not.
DATE #23: I brought pictures of my dog.
MARY: You did?
(He moves to her, pulls the photos from his jacket pocket, and sits next to her.)
DATE #23: Her name’s Venus. She’s a cocker-Lab mix.
MARY: Oh my God, mutts are the best!
DATE #23: Aren’t they?
(Then, as they look at the photos.) You should see how she sleeps. On her back with all four legs straight up in the air. It’s completely ridiculous. Wait, I have a picture of it. (He finds it.) Here.
(Mary looks at the picture, and then starts to laugh. Mary is laughing her head off … as the lights slowly fade to black.)
END OF PLAY
MEN IN HEAT
Dana Yeaton
Men in Heat premiered at Emerson Stage, where Steven Yakutis directed the following cast:
MURRAY Alexander Albregts
MIKE Dennis Starr
STEVE Hans K. Hauge
CHARACTERS
MURRAY: thirty-nine.
MIKE: thirty-two.
STEVE: Late twenties.
SCENE
The sauna of a health club.
At rise: A sizzling sound. Dim light comes up on MURRAY, who sits, hunched forward, staring at the electric heater. He squirts his water bottle on the heater—sizzle, steam. The door opens and MIKE pops his head in.
MIKE: You comin’ out, or what?
(MURRAY shakes his head.)
Look it’s too long man, you’re gonna melt.
(MURRAY sprays the heater.)
How can you breathe in here?
(MIKE flips on the overhead light, steps in. He is fully dressed, hair wet from the shower.)
MURRAY: I like it dark.
MIKE: Look, Murray, it’s a game.
MURRAY: I know it’s a game.
MIKE: You’ve got tendinitis for Christ’s sake.
MURRAY: You beat me before the tendinitis. I’m used to it.
MIKE: You won the last game.
MURRAY: You threw the last game.
MIKE: I did not throw—that would be totally opposite, everything.
MURRAY: You always throw the last game.
MIKE: I play to win, Murray, you know that. I’m a competitor.
MURRAY: And I’m not.
MIKE: What is wrong with you?
MURRAY: I’m thirty-nine years old, Mike. Already I’ve got no wrist, what’s next?
MIKE: I’m thirty-two, already I’m losing night vision, so what?
MURRAY: Sit down.
(MIKE remains standing.)
I want to have a kid, Mike.
MIKE: A kid.
MURRAY: You know how they’re doing these artificial inseminations now, with like test-tube babies?
MIKE: Yeah.
MURRAY: And they don’t even need real mothers anymore, it’s all done in the lab.
MIKE: You want a kid.
MURRAY: Sit down.
MIKE: You want a kid.
MURRAY: Yes. And I want it to be ours. I’d keep it and everything, you wouldn’t have to do anything. But it would be ours. We’d be the parents.
(MIKE sits.)
MIKE: … What?
MURRAY: We wouldn’t have to have sex, Mike. Jesus. It would be done for us, by doctors. Artificially.
MIKE: Have you told anyone this?
MURRAY: Of course not … You probably want to think about it.
MIKE: No.
MURRAY: I’m just saying, I’ve had a long time to think about this.
MIKE: Well stop thinking about it. Jesus.
MURRAY: Mike, just because I want to have your baby—
MIKE: Don’t say that!
MURRAY: It doesn’t mean that we’re attracted—
MIKE: Shut up!
(MIKE is standing over MURRAY, threatening to punch him.)
Just … no more.
(MIKE grabs the bottle, takes a drink.)
MURRAY: So the answer’s no.
MIKE: The answer is shut up.
MURRAY: There’s nobody listening, Mike.
MIKE: I’m listening, okay? I don’t want to hear this. I’m in here with some … This is not what I want to be talking about.
MURRAY: I figured you’d freak.
MIKE: I’m not freaking, okay.
MURRAY: You threatened to hit me, Mike.
MIKE: When have I ever hit you? Huh?
(MIKE squirts MURRAY with water. MURRAY doesn’t react.)
Asshole.
(Squirts MURRAY again. No reaction.)
Hey …
(MIKE offers his hand. MURRAY shakes it.)
… Water?
MURRAY: Nah.
(MIKE drinks.)
MIKE: … What about Steve?
MURRAY: Huh?
MIKE: I mean he’s the big triathlete and everything, big champion, in the paper. Why’n’t ya ask him?
MURRAY: We’re not supposed to talk about this.
MIKE: No I’m askin’.
MURRAY: Steve shaves his body.
MIKE: For resistance! The guy’s built like a brick, Murray, plus he can move. He’s like point nothing percent body fat.
MURRAY: I’m not shopping, Mike. It’s not just something I want to do with anybody. Forget about it, okay?
MIKE: There’s nobody else …?
MURRAY: No.
MIKE: I’m … thanks.
MURRAY: It’s not a compliment.
MIKE: It’s not a compliment you want to bring a child into the world like me? The combination of you and me? That’s a put-down?
MURRAY: I didn’t mean it as a compliment, okay. It’s just, this idea of a kid with everything, he’s got my math and science, my thing with computers, right? But he’s got your power-tool skills, he’s tough. Like you said, he’s a competitor.
MIKE: I’m okay with math.
MURRAY: That’s not the point, the point is, no woman genes.
MIKE: Shaving your body doesn’t make you a woman.
MURRAY: He would be a guy, through and through.
MIKE: No woman stuff.
MURRAY: No weaknesses.
MIKE: And this is possible?
MURRAY: Biotechnology, Mike.
MIKE: Geez …
(Takes a drink.)
What if it’s a girl?
MURRAY: Huh?
MIKE: What if this baby, by some mathematical twist of fate, turns out to be female?
MURRAY: That couldn’t happen. Two guys could not make a girl.
MIKE: Like two wrongs.
MURRAY: Exactly.
MIKE: … So you figured I’d freak, huh?
MURRAY: Mike …
MIKE: No I’m just curious, you think, what, I’m uncool about stuff?
MURRAY: It’s just some of your opinions, like capital punishment and, I don’t know, immigration.
MIKE: What’s that got to do with—
MURRAY: We’re not discussing—
MIKE: No, what has this got to do with capital punishment, Murray? We’re talking about a human being here.