Shorter, Faster, Funnier

by Eric Lane

HAROLD: The nice thing about this kind of relationship is you KNOW when—Sonya? Are you—? No—don’t cry! Oh God.

  SONYA: I’m okay.

  HAROLD: No, crying’s bad. There’s not supposed to be any crying.

  SONYA: Oh, I cry all the time.

  (He grabs a tissue and starts to dry her tears himself.)

  I’m okay …

  (He hands her tissues—and then more tissues, until she has way too many. He places them on her, floats them at her, etc. She laughs.)

  HAROLD: Much better. You know, I just discovered something. I can’t stand to see you cry.

  SONYA: Oh, Harold. You’re very sweet, y’know.

  HAROLD: Sonya … there’s something else … I love you.

  SONYA: What?!

  HAROLD: I love you! Can’t you see it in my eyes?

  SONYA: (Since she is wiping her eyes.) Not at the moment, no …

  (She continues to wipe her eyes.)

  (Jokingly glances at him for a split second.) Yeah, now I can. Got it. (Finishes wiping her eyes, then looks at him again.) You can’t be serious.

  HAROLD: You don’t believe in love at first sight?

  SONYA: Do you mean it, or is this part of the package?

  HAROLD: I’m your boyfriend. I really love you.

  SONYA: How can you love me?

  HAROLD: How could I not? You’re warm, funny, smart—

  SONYA: Stop stop. Look, I don’t know if you’re crazy, or I am, but—

  HAROLD: Don’t you deserve to be loved?

  SONYA: Of COURSE I do. EVERYONE does. But this—you just—I mean, you don’t REALLY really love me. You’re doing this because Valerie paid you.

  HAROLD: We have today, because someone paid for it, sure. But I do “REALLY really” love you. I love you, Sonya.

  (She stares at him. They move in closer … they almost kiss, but—)

  SONYA: Wait a minute. As presents go, this beats a basket of bath gels. But don’t come in here telling me you love me.

  HAROLD: But I do.

  SONYA: Well, that’s just swell! Where were you when I needed you? Like when my car was stolen. Or when my grandmother died? I could have used a boyfriend! You weren’t there! I had to deal with that alone!

  HAROLD: Sonya, I—

  SONYA: And are you gonna be there tomorrow or the next day when something really good happens and I want to tell you about it? You gonna be there?

  HAROLD: No, I’m not gonna be there.

  SONYA: You love me. Ha! You’re just like all the other men.

  HAROLD: No, I’m not! I’m a trained professional!

  SONYA: I mean, yes, I like romance. Yes, picnics are fun. But I want someone who … wants to do laundry with me. Or do absolutely nothing—with me.

  HAROLD: We could do that too! I’m here to give you what you want!

  SONYA: What I WANT is someone who not only knows my favorite coffee but also my soul. Love me? You haven’t even MET me!

  HAROLD: Listen, I thought I’d—

  SONYA: You thought you’d give the girl a small thrill for once in her life?! I make my own thrills, darling. Hey, we’re having our second fight!

  HAROLD: I’m offering you love—

  SONYA: No, thanks! Already got some! I’ve got my whole family! They drive me crazy, but they love me! And my friends—I have great friends! THEY love me! My God, look what Valerie did for my birthday. I have plenty of love, pal.

  HAROLD: Do you.

  SONYA: Yes I do. And I sure as hell don’t need a Don Juan wannabe. Guess what, Harold, we’re breaking up! I’ll remember the ten minutes we had with great fondness. But y’know what? This isn’t half a couple standing over here. Okay? I’m a whole couple all by myself. With a great family, incredible friends—I even kind of like my job! Y’know? So if I end up meeting someone, fine! If I don’t, ALSO fine! Got it? I don’t need you!

  HAROLD: No, you don’t.

  SONYA: You better believe I don’t! (Still yelling.) Did you just agree with me?!

  HAROLD: Yeah, I did. Because you’re right. You don’t need me. But if you ever find someone … who deserves to love you … I will envy him. Good-bye, Sonya.

  (He exits. Pause. He returns, slightly embarrassed.)

  (Company speech.) “This has been a date from Rent-a-Boyfriend, Ltd. If you’ve enjoyed our service, please … tell a friend.”

  (With a curt bow, he exits. SONYA stands stunned for a moment.)

  SONYA: (Shouting after him.) Hey! I enjoyed your service! Now get back here and MAKE ME BREAKFAST!

  (Blackout.)

  END OF PLAY

  REUNIONS

  Billy Aronson

  Reunions was originally presented by the Ensemble Studio Theatre (Curt Dempster, artistic director) as a part of Marathon 2002. Jamie Richards directed the following cast:

  TABBY Hope Chernov

  SARAH/CONNIE Katherine Leask

  ALAN/BRANDON Thomas Lyons

  RICK Grant Shaud

  NANCY Maria Gabriele

  CHARACTERS

  TABBY ECKERSLY: Is an independent publisher.

  SARAH BURK NELSON: Is a mother.

  ALAN ROADS: Doesn’t know what he is.

  RICK ARZOOMANIAN: Is a pirate.

  NANCY MCCANN: Is a giraffe.

  CONNIE CUMMINGS: Is Santa Claus.

  BRANDON TAVELLE: Is a warlock.

  TABBY, SARAH, and ALAN stand there talking.

  TABBY: Because in publishing the manuscript is everything, if you don’t like the manuscript I mean that’s all you’ve got, it’s your life.

  SARAH: Sure.

  TABBY: And I was getting manuscripts that, well some of them were fine but I couldn’t get behind them, not with every bone in my body.

  SARAH: Uh-huh.

  TABBY: And then one day I just woke up and it was clear as day that I had to just go ahead on my own.

  SARAH: You’re your own boss, that’s so great.

  TABBY: I have complete control, every single manuscript I believe in with every bone in my body, every fiber.

  ALAN: I taught high school for eleven years! Then I quit and sold computers! Now I’m back in graduate school!

  SARAH: I can’t believe it’s been nine years since I had a job.

  TABBY: But you’re a mom. That’s so great.

  SARAH: It’s amazing, watching them figure stuff out, you learn so much.

  TABBY: That’s what everybody says.

  SARAH: They’re born with these real personalities, then they grow into these people that you really like, they’re your pals, this whole team just came out of your body.

  TABBY: It must be amazing.

  SARAH: They can get you so angry, you never knew you could be so angry, or so in love, in whole new ways.

  TABBY: I’ve really got to do that when I meet the right person.

  SARAH: It’s worth waiting for the right person.

  ALAN: I keep meeting the right person but I can never convince her that I’m the right person!

  TABBY: Now that I’m in control of my work it’ll be easier.

  ALAN: Let’s head to the tent! There’s going to be dancing!

  SARAH: If I leave Bob with the kids one more minute he’ll kill me.

  TABBY: Has anybody seen Donna Cunningham? We said we’d share a table.

  SARAH: Did you hear Connie Cummings is going to be here?

  TABBY: Connie Cummings, really? I can’t believe it.

  SARAH: My kids are dying to meet her.

  TABBY: When I tell people I went to school with Connie Cummings they think I’m making it up.—Hey is that Rick Arzoomanian? (To off.) Rick. Rick.

  (RICK enters. He’s a pirate.)

  Tabby Eckersly. Remember?

  RICK: Hey, Tabby.

  TABBY: Did you know Sarah Burk?

  SARAH: Sarah Burk Nelson.

  RICK: Sarah, sure.

  ALAN: I’m Alan Roads! I was friends with Gary Fine!

  RICK: Hey, Alan.

  TABBY: I read that you were a
pirate in the paper, that’s so great.

  SARAH: Really.

  RICK: I was getting nowhere on land. Just knocking on doors, year after year. So I put together a crew and headed out to sea.

  TABBY: You just did it.

  SARAH: That’s so great.

  RICK: It was tough out there for a while. There was nothing happening and the sun was killing us.

  TABBY: Sure.

  RICK: But then I saw this ship and I felt that it was ready for new ownership.

  TABBY: You just had a feeling.

  RICK: I felt the time was right and this was my chance. So I set my sights and I went for it with everything I had.

  TABBY: Wow.

  SARAH: I read about this.

  RICK: It was a real battle, it was tougher than I thought. It cost me this eye, but we kept on fighting and we did it.

  TABBY: That’s something.

  RICK: We pulled a real coup, and when I opened the treasure there were rubies and sapphires and diamonds packed together so tight. And just like that we went from struggling to stay afloat to being a major player on the sea.

  TABBY: I’d been reading manuscripts that meant nothing to me, well some were okay but I couldn’t get behind them so one morning I just woke up and decided to go independent and now it’s great.

  SARAH: I’ve missed working but you can’t believe the way kids are born with these real personalities, you’ve got this whole team of people you love.

  ALAN: I got sick of teaching so I went into sales and now I’m back in school!

  RICK: Has anyone seen Chris Dumars?

  SARAH: Are you in touch with Chris?

  RICK: I haven’t seen Dumars in years.

  TABBY: Did you hear Connie Cummings is going to be here?

  RICK: I heard she might.

  ALAN: Let’s head to the tent for the dancing!

  TABBY: I was going to wait for Donna Cunningham and get a table.

  SARAH: I’ve really got to get back to Bob and the kids or he’ll kill me.

  (SARAH goes.)

  TABBY: But to have all that treasure, right at your feet, all of a sudden.

  RICK: I felt shocked, and I felt proud.

  TABBY: Now that I’m finally working on manuscripts I really believe in it’s so liberating.

  RICK: There were emeralds and sapphires and rubies—

  ALAN: Guess I’ll head to the tent!

  (ALAN goes.)

  TABBY: And didn’t it totally make up for all the years, you know all the knocking on doors?

  RICK: I had this feeling for the first time that I really was a pirate. I wasn’t just pretending or going through the motions.

  TABBY: At first I’d look down at these manuscripts and I couldn’t believe I’m really attached to such brave and honest material that I can totally pour myself into.

  RICK: We’re a major player and heat isn’t a problem, and we don’t have to worry about the wind.

  TABBY: My brain isn’t chained to this garbage that I can’t really get behind. I kept telling myself it would happen but it really has happened.

  RICK: And I feel like this is just where I should be right now. And I’m headed exactly where I should be headed.

  TABBY: Donna Cunningham’s supposed to be here, we’re going to get a table, you should join us.

  RICK: That would be good.

  TABBY: (To off.) Donna, is that you? Donna.

  (NANCY enters. She’s a giraffe.)

  Nancy McCann. I’m sorry. I thought that you were Donna Cunningham.

  RICK: Nancy. Hi.

  TABBY: So you’re a giraffe.

  NANCY: (Softly.) Yes.

  (RICK and TABBY look at NANCY. NANCY looks at them.)

  RICK: That’s Donna Cunningham over there.

  TABBY: (To off.) Donna, it’s me Tabby. Do you have an extra seat for Rick Arznoomanian? (To RICK.) She has an extra seat, you should join us.

  RICK: That would be good. Except … is that Rich Kravitz at her table?

  TABBY: Rich Kravitz and Donna used to go out.

  RICK: I don’t feel like sitting yet.

  TABBY: But wouldn’t you have a lot to say to Rich since he’s a pirate too?

  RICK: I think I’ll stay here.

  TABBY: He’s a really successful pirate, you know that right, from the papers?

  RICK: I don’t read the papers.

  TABBY: He was on magazines too, and TV for months.

  RICK: I’ll stay here and see who’s around.

  TABBY: You’re sure?

  RICK: I’ll stay here I think.

  TABBY: I really have to say hi to Donna.

  RICK: Okay. I’ll be here.

  TABBY: Okay.

  (TABBY goes. RICK talks to NANCY.)

  RICK: It was a real battle all right, it cost me this eye. But we hung in there and we did it, and when I got to the treasure there were rubies and there were sapphires packed in there so tight. And there were diamonds, and now we’re a major force on the sea. We’re smaller than some. We’re a small major force. So we’re not so widely recognized. But we’re expanding. (To off.) Connie Cummings. Connie.

  (CONNIE enters. She’s Santa Claus.)

  CONNIE: (To RICK.) Stuart Beamish? Oh hi.

  RICK: Rick Arzoomanian. Remember?

  CONNIE: Rick, so you’re a pirate, and Nancy you’re a giraffe, what great things to be.

  RICK: I’m a pirate all right, Connie.

  CONNIE: It’s a terrific time to be a pirate. And to be a giraffe.

  RICK: And you’re Santa Claus.

  CONNIE: It’s strange sometimes, to actually be the real Santa.

  RICK: Sure.

  CONNIE: To really be based in the North Pole. To actually fly the whole globe in one night.

  RICK: It must be something.

  CONNIE: Everybody makes a big deal about how I’m the first woman Santa and that’s great, what it says to girls and what it means.

  RICK: Sure.

  CONNIE: But on a day-to-day basis it’s much more about dealing with the media. Protecting the image, making it fresh for a new millennium.

  RICK: Sure.

  CONNIE: The elves handle construction pretty much on their own but you have to keep an eye on that, and deal with reindeer unions.

  RICK: Uh-huh.

  CONNIE: But when winter rolls around it’s still about the joy, bringing joy to the world.

  RICK: I’d been getting nowhere on land, year after year.

  CONNIE: Uh-huh.

  RICK: So I got a crew together and headed to sea and I saw this ship, and I had a feeling that it was ready for new ownership and so we took it on and—

  CONNIE: Uh-huh.

  RICK:—and when I opened the treasure I saw, there was—

  (BRANDON enters. He’s a warlock.)

  BRANDON: Connie Cummings. Brandon Tavelle. Remember?

  CONNIE: So you’re a witch.

  BRANDON: (Wounded.) I’m not a witch, I’m a warlock.

  CONNIE: What a great thing to be, Brandon.

  BRANDON: Always knew I had something. Through all the crap I endured. The winking and whispering at those cliquey drinking parties. Anthony Oaks and Sally Bottini. Or Little Miss Muppet and her brainless cronies in the back of the lecture hall saving four seats with an apple so they could point at me and giggle. Or the marching-band-lacrosse-gang with their esoteric handshakes and midnight singsongs which they always topped off with the obligatory run down the hallway to howl their lewd nicknames and puke in my shoes. I wanted to jump off the tower, but I buried myself in the library, found this book about spells and my God that was me. I could pull toads out of people’s ears. I could turn those toads into snakes, and make the snakes disappear in a burst of flame. I knew I could do it, and now: I do. And it has this effect. A power. Not just on my parents. Total strangers come up to me, with this look, you can see it. They open their mouths, not a damn sound comes out, because they’re speechless.

  CONNIE: It’s a terrific time to be in witchcraft.<
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