Shorter, Faster, Funnier
Page 33
ZOE: Fine.
MANDA: Good.
ZOE: Okay.
(MANDA lies back down on the ground and pulls her hood down farther. ZOE sighs disgustedly.)
You know, this is why I’m glad we’re not friends anymore.
MANDA: What?
ZOE: This. Like the way you act ’n’ shit. It’s like so … monumentally depressing. I mean you make shit harder for yourself and everyone else.
MANDA: No I don’t.
ZOE: It’s supposed to be a fun trip. The least you could do is like pretend you want to be a part of things.
MANDA: Well if you remember, the last time I ’shroomed I thought I turned into a gorilla and Toby convinced me to eat seventeen bananas. I didn’t crap for a week so excuse me for not jumping at the chance to do it all over again. Now if you’re done being a major bitch I’d like to go back to being cold.
(Beat.)
ZOE: I mean who even wears ballet flats and a miniskirt on a camping trip?
MANDA: I’m sorry I guess I missed the memo that you had suddenly turned into Little Miss Nancy Nature.
ZOE: I know about nature.
MANDA: You live on the Upper West Side.
ZOE: So? You live in Brooklyn Heights.
MANDA: So?
ZOE: So at least I know what to wear. And for your information I have been camping.
MANDA: Passing out in Central Park after too many Smirnoff Ices at Leila’s sweet sixteen does not like count as camping.
ZOE: Screw you. I went once with my dad before he died.
MANDA: Oh. I didn’t know that. My bad I guess.
ZOE: Yeah. I guess.
(Beat. They stare at each other for a moment. Then MANDA turns away as:)
MANDA: (Mumbling.) It still doesn’t make you some kind of expert.
ZOE: What?
MANDA: Just because you went once when you were like six doesn’t mean you get to act all judgmental and like you know everything about everything. But then again you’re always acting like that so I shouldn’t expect anything different.
ZOE: I am not always—
MANDA: Yes you are. If someone was like, “Hey I’m gonna go to Bermuda and eat a shit sandwich and then dance naked with the cast of Twilight” you’d be like “I did it. It’s been done and I probably did it better than you.”
ZOE: I hated Twilight.
MANDA: That’s not the point, Zoe.
ZOE: Then what is the point, Manda.
MANDA: The point is you don’t ever let people have their own experiences.
ZOE: What does that even mean.
MANDA: It means that whatever anyone else’s experience is, yours was always better and theirs is always shit.
ZOE: Well when it comes to you that’s pretty much true.
MANDA: Ugh … see this—this is why we’re not friends anymore.
ZOE: No we’re not friends anymore because of that text you sent about me to the entire junior class.
MANDA: And why do you think I did that?
ZOE: Because you are a miserable, selfish cow who wants everyone to feel as hateful about themselves as you do.
MANDA: No.
ZOE: Then why?
MANDA: You should know.
ZOE: Well I don’t. So like enlighten me.
MANDA: Zachary Bevaccio.
(ZOE shakes her head as if she can’t believe she has to have another conversation on the subject.)
You knew it was my first time doing … it … and how much I wanted it to be with him … and then it was terrible and he was a douchebag and said all that crap about me to his friends … and you were just like, “I told you so.”
ZOE: Well he is a douchebag. And I did tell you so.
MANDA: The point is it was a like a way big shitty experience and as my best friend you were s’posed to like comfort me … not scold me and then like go on and on about how awesome your first time was.
ZOE: I did not go on and on—
MANDA: Yes you did. It was like the moon got reborn and—and cymbals crashed and the—the Lucky Charms elf threw colorful marshmallows at you while Mariah Carey hit a high note.
ZOE: That is ridiculous. I did not say that.
MANDA: Well of course that’s not like specifically what you said but that’s what it sounded like to me.
ZOE: Because you are ridiculous.
MANDA: No I’m not.
ZOE: You are ridiculous and overdramatic and I was right when I told Leila she shouldn’t invite you cuz you’d ruin everything.
MANDA: You told Leila not to invite me?
ZOE: Yes and you know as usual I was right.
MANDA: Screw you.
(MANDA pushes ZOE.)
ZOE: Did you just push me?
MANDA: Yes. And I’ll … do it again … if I need to.
ZOE: I can’t believe you just pushed me.
MANDA: Whatta ya gonna do about it?
(MANDA pushes her again.)
ZOE: Don’t touch me.
(ZOE pushes MANDA. MANDA pushes her back.)
Stop it.
(ZOE pushes MANDA.)
MANDA: You stop it.
(MANDA pushes ZOE.)
ZOE: You stop it.
(ZOE pushes MANDA.)
MANDA: You started all of this.
(MANDA pushes ZOE.)
ZOE: No. You started all of this.
(They both grab onto each other’s hair and begin turning in a circle, tugging at each other and trying unsuccessfully to kick each other. It is the worst attempt at a physical fight and in fact looks more like some bizarre dance.)
MANDA: Ow you’re hurting me.
ZOE: Yer hurting me.
MANDA: Let go.
ZOE: You let go.
MANDA: You let go first.
ZOE: Okay how ’bout we let go on the count of three.
MANDA: Fine.
ZOE/MANDA: One … two … three …
(They both let go and rub their heads. Pause. They don’t look at each other.)
ZOE: This is stupid.
MANDA: I know.
ZOE: We shouldn’t be …
MANDA: Yeah.
(Pause.)
ZOE: I …
MANDA: What?
(ZOE stares at her toes as:)
ZOE: I’m sorry about what happened with Zach. I didn’t … ummm … mean to like … make you think otherwise.
MANDA: Thanks. Sorry … about … you know, the text.
ZOE: Thanks.
(Beat.)
If it’s any consolation …
MANDA: What?
ZOE: When I … you know … with Dante … there were no cymbals and Mariah Carey was definitely not hitting a high note.
MANDA: Really?
ZOE: Yeah … I ummm … exaggerated.
MANDA: Oh.
ZOE: A lot.
MANDA: Oh.
(Beat.)
My mom was wrong.
ZOE: About what?
MANDA: She said the woods were for suckers and chumps.
ZOE: Your mom used the phrase “suckers and chumps”?
MANDA: Yeah.
ZOE: Your mom is weird.
MANDA: I know, right?
(They maybe laugh a little. Beat.)
ZOE: We should ummm probably go look for everyone else.
MANDA: Yeah.
(ZOE starts to head off.)
Zo.
ZOE: Yeah.
MANDA: I’m glad Leila didn’t listen to you. I’m glad she invited me.
ZOE: Yeah. Me too.
(They smile at each other.
Blackout.)
END OF PLAY
YOU HAVE ARRIVED
Rob Ackerman
You Have Arrived was first presented at POP, a benefit for At Hand Theatre Company, 2008.
CHARACTERS
DAN: In his twenties.
KRISTIN: In her twenties.
CYNDI: Up to you.
SETTING
A car at night (two chairs side by side).
>
DAN sits in the driver’s seat and peers out, looking for someone. On a low stool in front of him, to his right, sits CYNDI, a GPS navigator. Her head is at the height of the imaginary dashboard and her eyes are fixed forward in concentration. She has two chimes in her lap, and right now she rings them: bing-bong.
CYNDI: “You have arrived.”
(DAN speaks to the back of CYNDI’s head. Here and throughout the play, she’s determined to remain impassive, a machine.)
DAN: Fuck. Where is she? I don’t know why I even try.
(KRISTIN steps out of the shadows.)
KRISTIN: Dan?
DAN: Oh. Hey. Kristin.
KRISTIN: Hey.
(DAN climbs out, kisses KRISTIN’S cheek, helps her in.)
DAN: Gosh, I couldn’t see you over there.
KRISTIN: I told you I’d be here. Red scarf. Converse sneakers.
DAN: Yeah, you did.
KRISTIN: And you found me, Dan. Way to go.
DAN: Well, I didn’t. (Points to CYNDI.) She did.
KRISTIN: She?
DAN: My navigator.
KRISTIN: Oh, wow, look at that.
DAN: I always get lost in all these tiny streets—Stanton, Rivington, Ludlow—but she knows where to go.
KRISTIN: “She’s” a computer.
DAN: No, she’s not. She’s a receiver, a transponder, a cartographic data display device with calibrated voice prompts. She’s a navigator, a global positioning system is what she is, really.
KRISTIN: A computer, Dan.
DAN: Yeah, I guess.
KRISTIN: A computer is not a person. You can’t personify.
DAN: (Nervousness.) Oh, I loved that. In high school. No. I guess it was actually seventh grade. Mister Trowbridge. He made us learn all those words. Words of literature. Made us feel all scholarly and philosophical and poetical. I remember all the words. Personification. Alliteration. Irony. (Irony was the best. I loved irony. “The laughter of the gods.”) Oh, and euphony … and metonymy.
KRISTIN: Metonymy?
DAN: That’s when one thing stands for something else. Like if you say, “Damn, that BMW just rear-ended me!” It didn’t actually rear-end YOU, it rear-ended your old Subaru Outback, you know?
KRISTIN: Does your navigator stand for you, Dan?
DAN: No. She’s a she. I’m a he.
(Through the following, DAN focuses his attention on the back of CYNDI’s head and uses his index finger to enter commands.)
CYNDI: “Main menu.”
KRISTIN: Oh, I like her voice.
CYNDI: “Enter address.”
KRISTIN: Wow. She’s got a great voice. Does she have a name?
DAN: Cyndi. Yeah. She’s Cyndi.
KRISTIN: I like that. Do you really call her Cyndi?
DAN: I do now.
KRISTIN: Is she easy to use?
CYNDI: “My addresses.”
DAN: Like an iPhone, kinda, you play with her touch screen and tell her what to do.
KRISTIN: “Hey, Cyndi. I’m on a blind date. Take me to Williamsburg.”
DAN: Basically.
CYNDI: “Previous destinations.”
DAN: A lot of times I have to go to work at five in the morning and hunt for some house in Far Rockaway and a MapQuest printout just doesn’t cut it, so I’m like, “If these things ever go below two hundred bucks I’m getting one.”
CYNDI: “Route.”
KRISTIN: And she was …?
DAN: One ninety-nine ninety-nine. They’re even cheaper now, of course, and they’ve got better ones that tell you what street you’re turning onto and stuff, but she’s all right. I mean, she gets the job done.
CYNDI: “Calculating route.”
(DAN starts driving.)
DAN: So how long have you known Tim?
KRISTIN: I dated him, in high school.
DAN: Was it serious?
KRISTIN: It kinda was.
DAN: He told me you were cute. (Beat.) You are cute.
CYNDI: “Left turn in point two miles.”
KRISTIN: Thanks, I guess.
DAN: So you’re a “graphic designer”?
KRISTIN: Well, sort of. I know Photoshop and HTML. I do a lot of temp work.
DAN: Join the club. Isn’t it weird how there are some things in school that are totally useful, and others that are such total crap you’re like, “Why do they even bother?” You know, like word problems.
CYNDI: “Make a left.”
(DAN turns the wheel sharply and KRISTIN flinches.)
DAN: Fuck. Shit. Sorry.
KRISTIN: No, that’s okay.
DAN: Where was I?
KRISTIN: Word problems.
DAN: Oh. Yeah. Okay, word problems are like, “If Jack is meeting Sally and it’s rush hour, then what time should Jack depart?” But who cares? Jack can call Sally’s cell and say he’s running late. She’s probably got an issue of the New Yorker in her purse—she can deal with sitting there and having a Frappuccino. You can’t expect Jack to start crunching a bunch of numbers. I mean, Jesus. Math is fucked.
KRISTIN: And metonymy is useful?
CYNDI: “Left turn in point two miles.”
DAN: Sure, Cyndi, whatever you say.
(KRISTIN studies the GPS screen.)
KRISTIN: I like how she shows us where we are. We’re this little arrow, just moving along. There’s the river. You can see the bridge.
CYNDI: “Make a left.”
(DAN turns carefully. Bing-bong: CYNDI rings her chimes.)
DAN: The background is black because it’s nighttime. In the daytime the screen is all green and blue and if there’s a golf course anywhere in the vicinity, she always lets you know. Whoever made this thing is really big on golf courses and country clubs.
CYNDI: “Remain on the current road for one mile.”
KRISTIN: Oh-kay.
DAN: Yeah, it always weirds me out when she says that. Makes me want to make a quick turn just to tick her off, see how she reacts. But she won’t react, she’ll just say “Calculating route.” That’s how she copes with human frailty.
KRISTIN: “Calculating route.”
DAN: Anything goes wrong, she never gets angry, never loses patience, just says …
KRISTIN: “Calculating route.”
CYNDI: “Remain on the current road.”
(CYNDI rings her chimes again.)
DAN: Her chimes mean we’ve hit some sort of satellite coordinate, I think. But she doesn’t always ring her chimes. You can’t count on it. Sometimes she does, sometimes she doesn’t. She’s a little loopy like that.
CYNDI: “Keep to the right in one mile.”
KRISTIN: You know, people used to do just fine before they had these things. Ernest Shackleton saved a whole stranded expedition in Antarctica with nothing but a compass and a sextant.
DAN: Good for him.
KRISTIN: I majored in math with a concentration in geography.
DAN: So I guess you like word problems?
KRISTIN: I love them.
CYNDI: “Keep to the right.”
DAN: I am keeping to the right, bitch.
KRISTIN: Don’t talk to her like that.
DAN: She’s a machine.
KRISTIN: No, she’s Cyndi.
DAN: Look, I don’t have a sextant like Shackleton. And I can’t even find my way around Brooklyn much less Antarctica. I always end up in Greenpoint circling that stinky sewage treatment plant and that’s not the best way to start a date.
KRISTIN: Neither is being insulting to women, Dan.
DAN: Cyndi is not a woman.