Bet Me

by Jennifer Crusie

  “Stay,” he said, and she looked into his eyes and thought, Oh, yes.

  “No,” Liza said and pulled Min off the table so that she stumbled onto the grass.

  “She can make up her own mind,” Cal said.

  “Yeah?” Liza took a step closer to him. “Tell me you know her. Tell me you care about her. Tell me you’re going to love her until the end of time.”

  “Liza,” Min said, tugging on her arm.

  “I just met her three days ago,” Cal said.

  “Then what are you doing kissing her like that?” Liza turned her back on him. “Come on, Min.”

  “Thank you for lunch,” Min said as Liza tightened her grip. She reached back for her sandals on the table and caught the ribbons, and then Liza dragged her away through the trees.

  When they were gone, Cal turned to Tony and said, “I can’t decide whether to have you killed or do it myself.”

  “Not me, Liza,” Tony said. “And she did call Min’s name and poke you in the side a couple of times before she whacked you in the back of the head with her purse.” His eyes went to the table. “Hey, hot dogs.” He sat on the table and reached for a sandwich.

  “That woman is insane,” Cal said, rubbing the back of his head. The heat was subsiding now that Min was gone, but it wasn’t making him any happier. “That was assault.”

  “She’s insane?” Tony said, as he unwrapped a brat. “How about you?”

  “It wasn’t that big a deal.” Ten minutes more and we would have been naked. That would have been a big deal.

  “Tell that to Harry,” Tony said. “That was probably more than he needed to know about what Uncle Cal does with his free time.”

  “Harry?” Cal said and looked over to where Harry had been sitting. He was still there, only now there was a thin blonde with him. Bink. Cal closed his eyes and the memory of Min’s heat vanished. “Tell me Bink wasn’t watching us, too.”

  “Don’t know. She wasn’t there when we got here so she may just have caught the big finish. What the hell am I sitting on?” He pulled a red-flowered shoe out from under the blanket.

  “Min’s,” Cal said, getting a nice flashback to her toes. “Give it to Liza when you get the chance. Down her throat, if possible.”

  “Yeah, like I’ll remember,” Tony said and tossed it in the cooler.

  Cal dug it out again before the ice could get the flower wet and tried to get his mind off Min. “It turns out that Bonnie’s a good deal, so Roger’s okay.” He turned Min’s sandal around in his hand. It was a ridiculous thing with a little stacked heel that probably sank into the ground when she walked across the grass and that dopey flower that would get screwed up if she wore them in the rain, and that was a turn-on, too.

  “Roger’s not okay,” Tony said around a mouthful of brat. “He’s going to get married.”

  “It’s not death,” Cal said, trying to imagine why anybody as practical as Min would wear a shoe like that. But then, Min clearly had an impractical streak or she wouldn’t have frenched him on a picnic table. The rush he got from that blanked out sound for a moment. “What?” he said.

  “I said, yes, that’s why you’re running like a rabbit from Cynthie,” Tony said.

  “Well, marriage is not for me, but it’s probably for Roger,” Cal said, dropping the shoe on the table. “He’s never been big on excitement.”

  “True,” Tony said. “And if Bonnie is a nice woman, maybe I’ll live over their garage after all.”

  “More good news for me,” Cal said, and thought of Min again, full and hot under his hands— No. He didn’t need any more hostility in his life. If he wanted great sex, he could always go back to Cynthie, who at least was never bitchy. He tried to call up Cynthie’s memory to blot out Min’s, but she seemed gray and white next to Min’s lush, exasperating, heat-inducing, open-toed Technicolor.

  “What?” Tony said.

  “Are there any hot dogs left?” Cal said. “That you haven’t sat on?”

  Tony found one under a fold in the blanket and passed it over, and Cal unwrapped it and bit into it, determined to concentrate on a sense that wasn’t permeated with Min. Then he remembered her face when she’d tasted the brat, and imagined her face like that with her body moving under his, hot and lush, her lips wet—

  Oh, hell, he thought.

  “So what are you going to tell Harry?” Tony said.

  “About what?”

  “About you doing Min on a picnic table,” Tony said. “You guys looked pretty hot.”

  “I’m going to tell him I’ll explain it when he’s older,” Cal said, and thought, We were hot. And now we’re done. “Much older,” he said, and went back to the cooler for a beer.

  “Okay, why did we have to leave?” Bonnie said when they were in Liza’s convertible and Min was banished to the backseat.

  “Because Min was swapping tongues with a doughnut pusher.” Liza looked back over the seat at Min the sinner and shook her head.

  Bonnie turned so she could see over the seat, too. “You ate doughnuts?”

  “Yes,” Min said, still trying to fight her way back from dazed. “Big deal.”

  Bonnie nodded as Liza started the car. “Was he a good kisser?”

  “Yes,” Min said. “Pretty good. Very good. World class. Phenomenal. Woke me right up. Plus there were the doughnuts, which were amazing.” She thought about Cal again, all that heat and urgency, and as Liza started down the curving drive to the street, Min lay down on the back seat before she fell over from residual dizziness. It felt good to lie down but it was such a shame she was alone.

  “Have you lost your mind?” Liza said, over the seat.

  “Just for that minute or two,” Min said from the seat, watching the treetops move by overhead. “I kind of enjoyed it.” A lot.

  “You know,” Bonnie said to Liza, “he might be legit. He looked really happy with her. Roger even said so.”

  “Oh, well if Roger says so,” Liza said.

  “Don’t make fun of Roger,” Bonnie said, warning in her voice.

  “Okay,” Min said, sitting up again as her world steadied. “I’m fine now. Very practical.” She picked up her shoe to untangle the ribbons. “So how was Tony?”

  “Mildly amusing,” Liza said. “Stop changing the subject. What are you going to do about Cal?”

  “Not see him again,” Min said, looking for her second sandal. “Oh, for heaven’s sake. I left a shoe behind. We have to go back.”

  “No,” Liza said and kept driving.

  “They’re my favorite shoes,” Min said, trying to sound sincere.

  “All your shoes are your favorite shoes,” Liza said. “We’re not going back there.”

  “Are you okay, honey?” Bonnie said to Min.

  “I’m great,” Min said, nodding like a maniac. “Cal told me all about Roger. You have my blessing.”

  “Based on Calvin the Beast’s say-so,” Liza said.

  “I have ways of telling,” Min said. “I know how to handle him.”

  “Yeah, I saw you handling him,” Liza said. “You’re weak.”

  “Oh, come on,” Min said, guilt making her exasperated. “I heard the bet. I know what’s going on. I’m not seeing him again. Especially since you yelled at him and called him names.” She thought about Cal leaning close, how hard his chest had been against her hand, how hot his mouth had been on hers, how good his hand had felt on her breast. “I found out how he gets all those women, though,” she said brightly. “Turns out it’s not just the charm.”

  “Maybe you should see him again,” Bonnie said, sounding thoughtful. “I think sometimes you just have to believe.”

  That might be good, Min thought.

  “Bonnie,” Liza said. “Do you want her to get mutilated by the same guy who broke your cousin’s heart and made that bet with David?”

  That would be bad, Min thought.

  “No,” Bonnie said, doubt in her voice.

  “Then no more pep talks about believing in toads
,” Liza said.

  “Don’t they turn into princes when you kiss them?” Bonnie said.

  “That’s frogs,” Liza said. “Entirely different species.”

  “Right,” Min said, trying to shove Cal out of her mind. “Toad not frog. Beast. Absolutely.” Then she sighed and said, “But he really had great doughnuts,” and lay back down on the seat again to recover her good sense.

  David was settling down in front of the television on Sunday afternoon when the phone rang. He picked it up and heard Cynthie’s voice.

  “Cal and Min were in the park today,” she said. “He kissed her. That’s joy, it’s a physiological cue, that could push them into—”

  “Wait,” David said, and took a deep breath. It was that damn bet. Cal would do anything to win that bet. “He fed her doughnuts,” Cynthie said. “He took her on a picnic and—”

  “Min ate doughnuts?” David went cold at the thought. “Min doesn’t eat doughnuts. Min doesn’t eat carbs. She never ate carbs with me.”

  “And every time he fed her a piece, he kissed her.”

  “Sonofabitch,” David said, viciously. “What do we do?”

  “We have to work on their attraction triggers, create joy, make them remember why they wanted us,” Cynthie said. “Take her to lunch tomorrow. Make it perfect. Make her feel special and loved, give her joy, and get her back.”

  “I don’t know,” David said, remembering Min’s face when he’d dumped her. The idea was for her to come crawling back to him, not for him to go to her.

  “I’ll have lunch with Cal,” Cynthie said as if he hadn’t spoken. “I’ve been lying low, hoping he’d come back on his own, but there’s no time for that now. I’ll have him in bed before dessert, and that should finish the whole thing.”

  “Min’s mad at me,” David said. “I think it’s too soon for a lunch.”

  “Oh, that’s very aggressive.” There was a long silence and then Cynthie said, “Her family. Did you say she needs them to approve of her lovers?”

  “Yes,” David said. “Her mother was crazy about me.”

  “There you go,” Cynthie said. “Call her mother and tell her the truth about Cal and women.”

  “No,” David said, remembering Nanette’s lack of focus on anything not involving calories or fashion. “Her sister’s fiancé. Greg. I’ll call him tonight.”

  “How will that help?”

  “He’ll tell Diana right away,” David said. “He sees her every night. And she lives with her parents, so she’ll tell her mother and father. Her father is very protective.”

  “That’s good,” Cynthie said.

  “He fed her doughnuts?” David said, wincing at the thought.

  “One piece at a time,” Cynthie said.

  Bastard. He was doing it for that damn bet. After all that big talk about being cheap but not slimy, he was going to seduce Min with doughnuts and then come back to collect his ten thousand bucks. The great Calvin Morrisey wins again.

  Not if I have anything to do about it.

  “David?” Cynthie said.

  “Trust me,” David said, grimly. “Min just ate her last doughnut.”

  On Monday, Roger came in late to work. Bonnie, Cal thought, which made him think of Min, which was ridiculous.

  “What is this?” Tony said. “I’m the last one in to work. It’s tradition.”

  “Bonnie.” Roger yawned as he sat down at his desk. “We talked pretty late last night.”

  “Talked,” Tony said, sitting on the edge of the work table. “The least you could do is get laid.”

  Roger narrowed his eyes.

  “Okay, now that we’re all here—” Cal said.

  “I’m going to marry Bonnie,” Roger told Tony. “You don’t talk like that about the woman you marry.”

  “Sorry,” Tony said. “I’m never getting married so I wouldn’t know.”

  “—we need to block out the Winston seminar—”

  “You’ll know when you find the right woman,” Roger said.

  “No such animal,” Tony said.

  “—and get the packets done,” Cal said, raising his voice.

  “She has a perfect kiss,” Roger said, looking out the window, probably in what he thought was Bonnie’s direction. “Did you ever kiss like that, where everything was exactly right and it just blew the top of your head off?”

  “No,” Tony said, looking revolted.

  “Yes,” Cal said, Min coming back to him in all her hot and yielding glory. They both turned to look at him, and he said, “Can we go to work now? Because we’re about a minute away from breaking out the ice cream and talking about our feelings, and I don’t think we can come back from that.”

  “I’ll get on the invoices,” Roger said and went to his desk.

  Cal leaned back in his desk chair, opened a computer file, and thought about Min. He’d had no intentions of kissing her and then he’d jumped her, some insane impulse shoving him into her lap. And she’d been no help. She should have slapped him silly and instead there she was, saying “More,” egging him on—

  The phone rang and Tony picked it up. “Morrisey, Packard, Capa,” he said and then rolled his eyes at Cal. “Hey, Cynthie.”

  Cal shook his head.

  “He’s not here,” Tony said. “I think he’s gone for the morning.” He scowled at Cal, who sighed and leaned back in his chair to look at the ceiling.

  “Lunch?” Tony said. “Sorry, he’s got a lunch date. At Emilio’s. With his new girlfriend.”

  Cal sat up so fast that his feet hit the floor hard. No, he mouthed at Tony and made a slicing motion across his throat with his hand.

  “So you don’t have to worry about him being depressed over losing you,” Tony said. “He got right back on the horse.”

  Cal stood up, rage in his eyes, and Tony said, “Gotta go,” and hung up.

  “Are you insane?” Cal said.

  “Hey, it got rid of her, didn’t it?” Tony said. “I did you a favor.” He frowned. “I think. The whole thing sort of came to me in a flash.” He looked at Roger. “Was that a bad move?”

  “I’m not sure,” Roger said. “You might want to stay away from flashes in the future.”

  “I don’t want to see Min again,” Cal said, and thought about seeing Min again.

  “So? Cynthie doesn’t need to know that,” Tony said.

  “So now I have to take Min to Emilio’s because Cynthie will check,” Cal said.

  “I don’t see why,” Roger said. “If Cynthie asks, you can say you went someplace else.”

  “I try to tell as few lies as possible.” Cal sat down again, trying to feel exasperated about the whole mess. He picked up the phone and dialed Min’s company, tracking her down through the switchboard operator, but her phone was busy and voice mail was not an option. Nobody ever talked anybody into lunch on voice mail.

  He hung up the phone and saw Roger and Tony watching him. “What?”

  “Nothing,” Roger said.

  “Nothing,” Tony said.

  “Good,” Cal said and ignored them to go back to his computer screen.

  When her office phone rang, Min thought Cal, and then kicked herself. The beast must have the power to cloud women’s minds if she was thinking about him at 9 A.M. on a Monday morning in the middle of a prelim report.

  “Minerva Dobbs,” she said into the phone, tapping her red pen on the frosted glass top of her desk.

  “Tell me about this man you’re dating,” her mother said.

  “Oh, for crying out loud.” Min leaned back in her Aeron chair, exasperated.

  “Greg says he has a horrible reputation with women,” Nanette said. “Greg says he uses them and leaves them. Greg says—”

  “Mother, I don’t care what Greg says,” Min said over her mother’s panic. “And I’m not dating him. We went to dinner and had a picnic in the park and that’s it.” She wrote Cal’s name in block letters on the cover sheet of her report and then drew a heavy red line through it. Gone,
gone, gone.

  “Greg says—”

  “Mother.”

  “—that he’s a heartbreaker. He’s worried for you.”

  Min started to say, Oh, please, and stopped. Greg probably was worried about her. Greg worried about everything.

  Why was Greg worried about her?

  “How does Greg even know this guy exists?” Min said as she wrote “Greg” in red block letters and drew two heavy lines through it. Then she wrote “Dweeb” below that and “Snitch” below that.

  “I’m worried for you,” her mother was saying. “I know you’re being brave about losing David, but I just hate it. I can’t stand it if you’re hurt.”

  Min felt her throat close. “Who are you and what did you do with my mother?”

  “I just don’t want you hurt,” Nanette said, and Min thought she heard her voice shake. “I want you married to a good man who will appreciate you for how wonderful you are and not leave you because you’re overweight.”

  Min shook her head. “You had me right up to the last line.” She wrote “Mother” in block letters, drew a heart around it, and then, while Nanette talked on, she drew four heavy lines across it.

  “Marriage is hard, Min,” Nanette was saying. “There are a million reasons for them to cheat and leave, so you have to work at it all the time. You have to look good all the time. Men are very visual. If they see something better—”

  “Mom?” Min said. “I don’t think—”

  “No matter how hard you work, there’s always somebody younger, somebody better,” Nanette said, her voice trembling. “Even for Diana, for everybody. You can’t start with a handicap, you can’t—”

  “What’s going on?” Min said. “Is Greg cheating on Diana?”

  “No,” her mother said, sounding taken aback. “Of course not.”

  Min tried to imagine Greg betraying Diana, but it was ridiculous. Greg didn’t have the gumption to cheat. Plus, he loved Diana.

  “Why would you say that?” her mother said. “That’s a horrible thing to say.”

  “You were the one who brought up cheating,” Min said. So if not Greg, then who? Dad? Min rejected that thought, too. Her father had three interests in life: insurance, statistics, and golf. “The only thing Dad would leave you for is the perfect four iron, so that’s not it. What’s going on?”