The sun looks far and yet still offers light to this land; the reflection of light that this land shares off from the other planets closer to it is also additional source of light...it seems. Though I don’t have the knowledge to point out in naming one to distinguish from the other, I’m sure I’m seeing planets; some look far, too far, well set-in fair distance from one another and some looks close; one is set close enough that it feels like it only takes miles to get there, from here where I am standing by. The sky is filled with marvels scene; I can tell there are many planets around us and the stars seems too bold and brighter, the air is filled with scarce golden glitters as if gravitational pull doesn’t include their weight; they’re simply floating as they sparkle. I think I spent the entire afternoon sleeping that it seems like it is now late afternoon.
Could I be stuck in déjà vu or sort like dream, perhaps something closer to death? Is it possible that I am stuck in between two worlds, worlds between life and death?
Slowly, my breathing starts calming down and I frown as my lips press into a line as I swallow hard. I look back to the dressing table as I slowly place my feet on the wood flooring that feels warm. I stare at the reflection in the mirror frowning questioningly as I tilt my head to my right slightly. Is this really me? I ask myself.
I’m dressed differently; all in black, in a hip hanger floor length skirt with a golden top that matches the golden edge by the hip and the tip of the dress that meets the floor elegantly. The dress has layers and the top one is made out of black organza textile with designing and it graces the dress with an outstanding embellishment. My hair, I caress it slowly from my head all the way down to the tip of it on my belly. I have never used straight for a style, but it is now subdued in that manner, beautifully blessing my medium length neck with a longer look. My hair looks longer than the usual; it’s also decorated with golden material that looks like a simple crown, made of gold, in daisy flower shapes that are placed in line over a root like structure that holds them together.
I have never been dressed like this before, with my body shape clearly displayed, in a dress like a deity. I have to admit that I look beautiful as I am worried over who has dressed me up into a princess of an unknown kingdom. Who would have undressed me? Who would have seen me naked? I frown as I slowly walk barefoot, closer to the image in the mirror, who is staring back at me in alienated gaze.
Slowly, I look down to myself and my left hand touches the softly straightened hair that’s lying on my right shoulder all the way down to my belly, my right hand caresses the golden top all the way down to my belly and both my hands slides down to my hip, where there is an exotically designed golden hip hugger of the dress. I lift my head and stare back at my own refection as I stand straight. I look different, since there is a slight and simple makeup on my face with brunette brown lipstick dabbed slightly on my heart-shaped lips. I look confused, lost in every way, conflicted and feels like a stranger towards myself. I must be dreaming or traveling through time, if not space.
“Oh God,” I whisper to myself as I hide my lips behind my right hand. “Calm down,” I whisper once again, as I press my belly with both my hands. I don’t know what’s happening and the thought of it is shivering my entire body in fear. This is too much for me to handle; the knowledge of being in a place…world that’s not mine at all and the knowledge of feeling my body is driving me crazy, anxious over the fact that I can be sure that I am not dreaming. Feeling things are undeniable reality. God, I’m not even sure if I will feel calm to think that I am dreaming or stuck in a dream. “Calm down, calm down…”
“It’s no change anything,” a voice pours into my ears and gasping, I lift my head up as I pop open my eyes wide.
I think I am shocked, or surprised, I think to myself, but I know that I am hoping so hard that this voice belongs to the person I am hoping to see now.
“I don know if you like it bu I chose it,” I flip turn to face her. “The dress,” she adds, pressing a smile as she tilts from her left to her right, pointing towards me with her right hand.
What is this feeling? My entire body is shaking, and I am feeling both morose and triumphant at the same time. I have lost control over my emotions, I’m not all right and I don’t know if I will ever be. My eyes are filled with tears and my lips are shaking as gasped.
“Zhai!” I utter, as my legs speeds towards her. I hug her and she hugs me back with equal emotion. I don’t know why but I feel safe around her, I feel like we share commonness, needs, and personality, above all, we desire to get back home as soon as possible…or that’s how I perceive things. Holding her arm’s length, I look at her dress, she’s dressed like me but in shadow grey and white-coloured dress, but her top is a turtle neck and she looks elegant in her clothing. Her hair is loose and like a black garment; it’s covering her from her back all the way to her shoulders. “Are you okay?” I ask her hesitantly, looking at her slight blush pink contusion on her cheek bone to her left. I suddenly remember the attack in the woods and those creatures I saw. What are they? I shake my head as I load my chest with air. Demons of course. I scold myself for trying to deny Zhai’s truth she shared with me, in the wood.
“I’m fine,” she says, nodding as she closes her eyes. “Aw, are you?” walking to the corner of the French door, she asks. Standing behind the curtain, she looks out, attentively and with intention to hide as well.
“I’m good,” I answer and frown, looking at her quizzically. I don’t know what she is looking at or looking for, but I am curious to see whatever it is. “When are we to leave? I mean, you don’t seem if you are ready to go now, you don’t look as anxious as you were before,” I shrug, showing my confusion. She stays quite looking out, it’s unlike her. Not that I know her that well but as much as I can tell, she isn’t the type who want to waste time. “What’s going on?” mumbling, I walk to her slowly; standing behind her, I stretch up from my neck as I stand on my tiptoes to look out to where her gaze is fixed at.
Out there seems too peaceful and beautiful, there is the beach and the sand; it looks like it’s laid out perfectly in a way reflecting the beauty coming from the sky. There is no perfection, but perfection is here incarnated…or at least it gives the impression of being. I know what…who she is looking at, I know because my eyes catch his presence as well. He is by the beach and gracefully facing the sea that’s peacefully moving in quite a slow motion. I thought it’s over but seeing him makes me feel like I have to run to him, sob as I scream at him, showering him with questions I’m not even sure if he is capable of answering, nor that I would be able to understand if he can…any of the things that’s going on. God, I’m not even sure if I want to understand.
“You shou go to him,” she says quietly, with her gaze still fixed at him. “He’s waitin fo you.”
“As I should,” I utter angrily as I bite my lower lip hard. “He sure has quite a lot to explain to me.” As much as I want to storm out the room and to him, she pulls me by my left arm to stop me and I look at her, frowning.
“No,” she says simply, and I frown, confused. She looks serious and I can even say disappointed that I am acting this way.
Am I not entitled to be like this? I lick my lower lip as I keep my confused gaze at her. “Excuse me,” I elevate my eyebrows in surprise after a momentary evaluative gaze at her grip on my arm, “I thought you want to leave this place as soon as possible,” I snatch my arm away from her grasp and she shakes her head, pressing her lips into thin line.
“I do,” she says, as she meets me in my eyes calmly. She doesn’t only sound calmed but she is acting easy. “I want to go, but I saw how he wa with you. You are diffren, and we shou use tha.”
“How, by dying?” I walk to the bed and sit by the edge of it as I look up to where she is standing by.
“No, you know it’s not,” she says, shaking her head in disgust. She’s right. I think I am overreacting. “I think we shou keep him by our side, like the way he is with you, now,” she explains, as she t
akes extended slow steps to me. I nod but just trying to act as calmed as her, not that I understand her or anything she is trying to tell me. “You think he wou jus take you back if you say so?” she utters, breathing in sarcastic disbelief, in a way of asking herself but loud that it makes me think about it as well.
“Okay,” I nod as I blow heavy breath out. I look out to the beach and squeeze shut my eyes to compose my unsettled thoughts that are bothering me now. “How long have I been out?” I ask her and she looks at me sadly.
“Couple of hours,” she says, as she forcefully presses fake but still sad smile on her lips. “Tim work diffren here.”
“God,” I elevate my eyebrows ones again a bit quizzical. “It doesn’t feel like it, though.” I mumble loud as she walks to the dressing table chair and takes it.
It really doesn’t feel like it; my body feels too clumsy, like it took me more than the usual…I mean my usual sleeping hours. I usually sleep for four hours and if I add one more hour, I feel exhausted; I would wake up with what feels like swollen head that’s too heavy, my neck hearts and my body feel like going back to bed. I am experiencing all those feelings now, but the pressure of the feeling is three times stronger than that. Turning to my left, I look at Zhai, who is sitting with worries in her eyes that’s fixed on the floor. “I think I know you enough to tell that there is something worrying you, though you’re not saying it loud,” I utter and she looks up to my direction, shaking her head as if she just wakes herself up, and out of wherever she eludes to. I know it’s not over until we’re both back home. I’m worried too, but I think there is something worrying her, and I can tell.
“I’m fine, you shou go to him now,” she implies, and I deepen my furrow lines.
“Look we’re both in this, together.” Am I supposed to prep talk her? “I don’t know what you are worried about, but I understand you now. I don’t need any more of an explanation… definitely not after seeing those creatures in the woods or the thing that I saw. I am ready to go back home. I will not leave you here under any circumstances…that’s if I figure the way out.” Holding my two fingers out, I kiss them and press it on my left side of my chest, to my heart. “I promise,” I complete my sentence in hope that I will sound as honest as I feel.
“Me too, bu if you keep talk here, we wast tim.” She smiles as she walks to the door. “Hurry, I’ll be by the oak tree, waiting fo you.”
“I doubt I know which oak three and where,” I flip stand in shock as she walks out. Why is she leaving me alone?
“You will know once you’re out,” she says, projecting her voice as she closes the door and I shake my head exasperatedly. She sounds and acts weird. After all, if I can name anything weird in this world it shouldn’t be her but based on the so little time we spend together, it won’t be considered terrible to name anyone anything. I need a break from all the drama but of course it should be when I will finally be home, with my parents and friends around me.
Slowly, I walk to the French door, lost in my own thoughts. Despite the many questions I was supposed to ask Zhai, she didn’t give me the chance, but as far as my understanding from what she says, I shouldn’t display my worries towards him.
Here comes the drama queen. I don’t know if I know I can act but I also highly doubt the fact that I want to stay in this world of beauty but with so much evil vibe in it. Oh, help me; help me God, the God that I know, the God that my family worships, the God that my family feeds the pours in your name for, help me out this place. Pressing my lips into thin line, I fill my chest with air and blow it out once to act as calm as possible.
Placing my hand on the sliding French door, I widen the pre-existing gap, enough for me to pass through it to walk to where he is standing by. As the air reaches my entire body, all at once, it weaves my hair clean to my back, making me close my eyes as I tilt my head back, welcoming it in total indulgence of a momentary enjoyment.
Why does this feel like it’s all I need for now? I lick my lips wet, perplexed at myself; I’m not sure if I am disappointed at myself for enjoying the moment or that I am looking for something to enjoy myself with. Holding air in, I start marching towards his presence; one slow step after the other. I am hesitant and fearful but at the same time, something in me is whispering that he means no harm at all…perhaps towards me. As I walk, I realise that my dress is rising sands in the air and that the sands aren’t exactly falling back to the ground as expected; it takes time with the gravity.
I clear my throat hard once as I stand a step away and behind him. He glances over his shoulder only to steal a glimpse over me and he turns his attention back to the sky. I look up and realise that the shining golden glitter thing near where I just stand by, in a bubble-like structure; I slowly pock it with my index finger and the bubble bursts and a golden dust shimmers in the air, making me spread a smile.
“Beautiful view,” I utter as calmly as I possibly can, but I think even a deaf person can pick fear in my voice. I am scared, I just can’t tell if I am scared of him or not as much as, if I should be scared of him as well.
Why did Zhai want me to come out here to speak with him, what would you want to say to me? Except you got a lot to say, a lot to explain about, but to what end? I’m done, we’re done. Why didn’t Zhai asked me to run off just like that? I thought you knew better than wanting to stay here even for five second. Why did I hear you, take your advice? Hold on now; was it even an advice or a suggestion? I bite my lower lip to the endless quizzical thoughts running through my mind. I’m really not sure if I am thinking right now and even while conversing with Zhai, I’m not sure if she was telling me he was waiting for me and I don’t have to go out to join him, or if she was just informing me and that I have to go through it anyways. Too late for any second thoughts, right?
“Indeed,” he answers quietly after a momentary rough silence and I shake wake myself up as I recall my statement before I get lost in my thoughts. I take two more steps, only to stand beside him, to his left. “As you fly out, all there is, is darkness filled with glittering stars. Stars, I mean as you call it.” He sounds quite empty, spiritually…and broken. I turn to look at him and he is just standing still, looking over the sky. He looks like someone waiting for something, like he knows something will come soon but all that he can ever do is wait and wait till it all happens…or arrives.
He is dressed differently, too different from the first time that I saw him or even from the second time. He looks a lot different, dressed like warrior; his blue-black cloak attached to his golden chest plate, going over the pauldron on his shoulders, by the besagews. He is even dressed in the golden greaves for the protection of the shin and the cuisse on his thigh. All the golden armours have some sort of writing; I don’t know of what, but from the sequential order of the symbols, it’s not hard to tell it’s a writing. He looks good, really handsome and radiantly calm, as he also seems like he is waiting for a war.
“Why barefoot?” he utters, and I look down to my feet that are well groomed. I didn’t realise it until he mentions it and it’s funny with just a glimpse, he is able to get details.
“I don’t know,” I say, frowning as I try to remember how I just walked out. “I guess I thought I did.” I’m not sure if I wanted to say that out loud but I have already said it. I press my lips into a thin and disappearing line as I rock back and forth on my feet; to the front, I press my weight on my tiptoes and to the back, I press my weight on my hill. The sand doesn’t give me a discomfort and it feels warmer as my feet sink in.
“Worried about something?” He still didn’t turn to look at me, his gaze is fixed at the sky. You know what, I think he is just in deep thought.
“Um,” I shake my head and take my gaze away from him and I look down to my feet that’s synced in the warm sand. Is he trying to make me ask him? Should I? “I…” I lick my lower lip wet, duelling in my thought, to whether or not ask him about what I really want. As I think, I impulsively frown hosting uneasy feeling.
“You can say anything you want to say to me, anything at all,” he says, like someone who can read my thoughts.
Wait, can he? “I want to go back home,” I utter bluntly, and I can’t control the words rolling out my mouth. I just can’t. Momentary silence takes over and I just stay still, with my eyes watery and my lips shaking, I gasp to proceed in my words but I couldn’t.
“No,” he says quietly and finally.
As I gasp air in roughly, my eyes start allowing the eluding salty liquid to roll down my cheeks, forming comforting lines to its passage. I really want to sob but I don’t want to; I once again manage to control my tears as I stand with my eyes heavy.
“But you said...”
“There was once sun of God himself,” he said, quietly and cold. “Remembered like an angel and then broken.” He closed his eyes as he breathes in heavy. “History has forgotten…your history.” He opened his eyes and turns fully towards me. Standing still, he looks back into my eyes and I can see everything clearly; anger, disappointment, hate and even love. “But I will tell you history that has happened and is yet to happen. A fight to fall up on your home and the ways I am willing to undergo to protect you from it.” He clenches his teeth, forming hard jaw lines.
Before I come to a realisation, my left leg takes a step back as my heart beats so hard that the vain on my neck displays it. I feel every change in my body bringing a reaction out to the surface of my skin; adrenaline kicks in and my heartbeat speeds up. My heartbeat rate rises and my vain starts displaying as my skin experiences slight sweating. I don’t even want to blink for I fear he might march towards me to attack. I fear him as I am disappointed at him for taking his words back.
Is he going to harm me? I wonder though his eyes are saying that he can’t as much as they are telling me he has feelings for me and that he can’t fight or deny it… I can tell it means a defeat for him and strength for me. Why does this feel like he is trying his best not to care? Why is his jaw showing hard lines? I feel obligated to look into those eyes as they stare back into mine, while experiencing feelings I don’t know how to explain, except naming them fear and it’s forcing me to take a slow step backwards. But then again, I ceased on taking any more steps as he takes a step with his right foot forwards, following my left foot that just moves back. I don’t know what’s going to happen or what’s happening for the matter of fact but something is happening or about to happen and I can feel it in my bones that it isn’t going to be anything good. Slowly, I manage to press my lips as I force myself to listen to what he is about to say to me. You were right Zhai! I agree to her in my thought.
Hell Again Page 12