He is breathing heavily as he stares at me for a while, but I think he is trying his best to calm himself down. This is better, I think to myself with my watery gaze fixed at him. I can feel my cheeks burning and energy is retreating from me that my legs are shaking. Slowly, he raises his left arm and spreads it towards me gently and I recede back, gasping in shock…or in fear…maybe a little bit of both. Pressing his lips into hard line, he shows how disappointed he is that I fear him. So, I swallow hard as I close my eyes, allowing him a pass to touch my cheeks with his hand. I can’t hide it, my dying interest on my face as he touches me.
None of my fearful actions manage to change anything at all; he proceeds with his right hand and wipes tears from my left cheek and I squeeze more out. I doubt if anything that I am doing is right according to the conversation I had with Zhai, but I really don’t know how to control what I am doing or what’s happening at all.
I slowly open my eyes to look into his, hoping to put the situation under control. His eyes are squeezed shut, and God! I would be a huge liar if I even tend to deny the fact that he has a divinely handsome look. His left hand is pressing on his chest; with those long fingers clenched into a fist, his divine diamond face is facing trouble to hide his emotions right behind that immaculate pale skin that’s wrinkled because of the squeezed shut eyes, as his jaw forms a hard-obvious line. I like what his rough hand feels like when it makes contact to my skin, but I also hate the fact that I feel vulnerable every time he is close to me; I just can’t…I don’t know how to resist it, the temptation. It gets viral and deadly before I apprehend it; it silences me totally, weakens me, drying my energy and I get submissive, totally muted. It’s abnormal and it doesn’t feel like me.
He suddenly opens his eyes, to my gasping surprise. What is it? I can tell he feels it too; just as our eyes lock, a trembling feeling travels into me and spreads throughout my body, making me quiver compulsively. Exhaling long, he presses his lips in a hard line as he allows his fingers to spread and compress on the besagew on his left side, holding the oil black velvet fabric cloak to his chest plate. As he spins it anticlockwise, it frees the cloak to slide fall off his broad shoulder that looks huge with the silvery pauldron, as he turns the spin to what seem like to lock it back. His cloak is held still by the merciful attachment of the besagew on the right side of his chest. His left hand slowly leaves my cheeks and grips on his cloak as his right hand’s fingers detach it free from his right chest besagew. Before I come to my fool realisation, he blows it above my head, spreading it in the air and the shimmer of glitter multiplies in the touch of it and wraps me in its worm embrace.
“Do not be frightened, at least,” he says with that striking voice and I slowly open my eyes, only to meet him in those eyes once again. “At least, I’m the least of your fear here,” he utters as he spreads his lip partially and I deepen my furrow lines.
I’m not sure I am paying attention to what he is saying, nor am I afraid any longer. My mind is reminding me with my first night with him. Perhaps his body temperature that travels with the cloak touching me is playing the trick on me. I can feel it and need it just as my first time. The cloak is longer for me and it feels heavy but it smells possessively and tempting as him. But I’m afraid I should deter myself from allowing something I shouldn’t have allowed long ago.
“No,” I whisper powerlessly, and he frowns, looking at me. “No, for what?” I ask trying to control the situation…and me, the best possible way.
“Was it not clear?” he asks, secretly smirking. He once again wipes teas from my right cheek, and keeping his hand to himself, his fingers start rubbing one over the other, feeling my tears in between them. “No,” he repeats himself. “No for, you can’t go back anymore, no for so many things you can’t understand.”
“You said…”
“It’s not easy any longer, not safe…”
“You got me here, I didn’t ask for this.”
“But I did, and you chose this. You weren’t sure about many things, to be exact.”
“I’m still not,” I take a step towards him. “But I need to go home now, I miss my mum and dad… I have friends and family who care about me, I need to be there with my family. And time…”
“Time, precious thing,” he smirks and slowly his smirking changes into a one side smile, making me swallow hard as my eyes go dry so suddenly. “You work funny and in mystery. Oh time,” he turns to the ocean and then back to my eyes. “Time the complication to humankind, a game of win between many might…” he takes a momentary silence, allowing me to think if he is mentally ill or not. “It flies too fast, faster that your kind is born and dies so fast.”
“I only want to go home,” I whisper once again.
“I know, but I can’t let you go. Or perhaps it’s not time,” he adds, and pressing his lips, he shakes his head so slowly. “Allow me to tell you a story, something that your kind erases from history. Allow me, will you?” he says, and I nod with no choice. “It was long ago, before time itself and there was son of God himself,” he started. I don’t know why he has to talk about God or his son; I don’t know what he is trying to get to.
“I’m not good with riddles,” I utter, sobbing as I look down on my feet.
“I don’t like riddles since they’re as good as lying and lying isn’t my thing.”
“If that’s the case, then you should let me go home,” I utter.
“You’re just too late to choose anything and I’m trying to rectify it,” he says, and I look at him once again as excitement takes over me. “So, where was I?” he says, smiling beautifully…breathtakingly.
“There was a son of God himself…”
“There was and still is,” he proceeds, and walking closer to the sea, he takes a seat on the sand. I guess this is supposed to be an invitation for me to join him; I’m better off sitting than standing anyway. “It was before time, your time…well, many more times before your time,” he says, as I sit right next him, looking to the far end of the sea. “One of his children were tested, the very day of creation, creation of man one of the mistakes he did.” He ceases his words and I slowly look to his direction in a way of stilling a glimpse. I don’t like listening to preaching or going to church but now seems to be the time that I have to hear things connected to God and evil. “Later on, after creation day, just as the child feared, man sinned in many ways, and yet still, his father denied him the right thing to do; destroying them; controversy to the sit on the throne began. And as a result, he broke his six-winged child and had thrown him to earth, for punishment, choosing man over his child. Stripping him off from his divine look; not even left with a wing, though he had six of them, not even his handsomeness that was too bright but seven horns and fearful gesture, he stripped him of his freedom and chained him into the fire,” I can sense hate in his tone and I figure there’s no need to look back at him…the story feels personal for him but I just can’t figure out the connection to his life. “Then, his other son’s journey began. Knowing that his own son would be broken by him, letter on, he, anyway, sent him to earth so he would duel evil and he sent him with his brother. Though he asked for it, he could have prevented it all from happening, but he let it be anyway. Not long he stayed; he started sharing his knowledge with man, so man improves life. Not long it takes him to…” he takes a moment to himself in silence. “He falls in love with a human, and blindly. Tell me what’s bad in love? Tell me why not?” he asks, and I gasp, running out of words. I’m not the right person to response for this…after all, I am the one who indulged to the undeniable ardour infidelity the night before her wedding. I doubt if he wants me to answer either. “But he fell in love and was punished for it. His father blessed him with fatherhood and cursed him by turning them into monsters; giants. They were fed thousands of camels and oxen, daily. What did they do to him? Why didn’t he prevent it from happening? Couldn’t he have made things better?” This is sheer hate, too personal. All I can do is shake my head in denial, as
if agreeing to his thoughts as I huddle. “Why would he do that?”
“What does this have to do with us?” I ask, whispering. I can’t dare to face him, but I am crying; I don’t even feel tears in my eyes any longer, they just keep falling down my cheeks.
“Then they were taken from him, again, by his father,” he says, ignoring my query and silence falls just like that.
Should I tell him that I have never read the Bible? Would that information make things feel easy?
“His son got punished in oblivion, hanged upside down; waiting for his judgment day,” he adds, and his last sentence feels hurtful…aching. “Fathers can be too cruel,” he adds and turns his face to look at me. After I stare at him for a moment, I look away and press my lips in hard line. My eyes are fixed at the far end of the beautiful sky and once again, I start feeling my eyes getting heavy but this time around, I couldn’t cry. “It, it has everything to do with us,” he says, and I steal a glimpse of him staring at me. “That’s what happened and what’s happening in my life,” he adds, and I fill my chest with air.
Metaphorically, I answer him in my mind.
“I’m alone and broken,” he says, as he fully turns to face me.
I highly doubt that; I once again answer him but in my thoughts.
“I found you and feel whole and healed, like I have found myself again.”
Can’t you just let me go? I turn, fully facing him once again; sadly, staring into his eyes.
“I can’t, I just can’t do that. Letting you go would mean to lose myself at the same time.”
I’ll be sad and my heart will be broken, I once again think.
“I’ll do my very best to heal you, patch every peace back. As far as I know, that heart of yours already belonged to me.” This…the way he is talking to me feels like he is reading my mind and he is answering my questions, “I can feel how attached you are to me.”
I can feel it as well, but I also feel I don’t belong here.
“Neither do I…for that matter, many mankind that you saw here don’t belong here.” I look down gaspingly; I can now understand that he is actually providing answers to my entire questions; he is reading my mind. “I’ve found me when I found you, I can’t lose that. I won’t let it happen.”
And that’s his answer and I get it. I doubt if I should stay to hear about anything at all, I’ll only waste time; I should find my way back home. Swallowing nothing down my throat, I manage to look into his eyes.
“I suppose,” I once again swallow nothing and I clear my throat roughly. “I suppose, I got my answer.” I press a sad smile.
“And I’m afraid it’s final and you would know why; that it’s for your own safety.”
“I should go now, Zhai is waiting for me. It won’t be proper to keep her waiting,” I shake my head, trying to wake myself to calmness, “any longer than this, I mean.”
“I’ll be waiting for you.” I frown, looking at him quizzically. “For dinner,” he clears himself.
“Oh, I…” I clear my throat as I slightly shake my head, “I’ll join you, then,” I press a smile, “back, here right?” I ask, lost in my thoughts and he nods sadly, staring back at me. I think he also can tell that I will do anything in my power to find my way back home. It is true, no matter how long it will take I will do anything and everything in my power.
It’s obvious, too loud and clear; I know what my mistake is. He was right; he did give me a chance to make a choice and it took me longer than my expectations. Not only him but Zhai also tried her best to explain things to me, so it’s my fault I waste time. I can tell this much; he is not willing to let me go. He also will do anything and everything in his power to let things go his way as well. I understand this much.
It’s like he said it, this heart of mine, indeed belongs to him, but maybe in another life time, if it is true what they say about reincarnation. What are you exactly?
Why am I passing through all this? Why me? This is hard for me to endure, hard for me to understand. Is this my type of fight, something I should pass through, am I that strong and I don’t know it? What am I supposed to do, how am I supposed to be the winner in this? What if this isn’t about winning at all? I don’t know how to be, if this is my life. How am I supposed to accept it, in the first place?
Think about it, if this is not my path, why am I feeling this in my heart; something heavy, my heart beating fast when I’m around him, running out of words and queries I want to present to him when he start speaking and losing power and stability when he looks back into my eyes, and let alone his name, I don’t even know what he is.
I’m sad, too sad now; I’m sad for him; that he doesn’t have a good father that makes him take God and his son exemplary remarks. I’m sad that he found himself in someone like me; someone who loves him but would have trouble in accepting him in just the way he is and with everything around him, I’m sad that he feels alone, I’m sad that I am someone who is willing to deny what I feel for him… what am I to do? I doubt I can be blamed, but should I consider trying to know him or should I just start my journey to the try in finding my way back home.
Quietly I keep allowing my legs to take control over my body; moving forward to wherever they desire. I’m taking extended steps back into the room through the French door and I proceed to the door Zhai used earlier, to leave the room. It leads me out a narrow corridor with two doors on the other side of the wall and two on the side I just left. I turn to the left and notice a wide French window at the end for the corridor. I can tell that this place isn’t as big as the first house I woke up into. Filling my chest with air, I proceed to my right, but slowly.
I can feel something in me is pushing roughly, like something is ready to erupt. It’s not making any sense; how I get here in the first place. How can I find my way back home, if I don’t know how I get here?
Once I reach to the corner of the corridor, my eyes catch the walnut wood ploughed handrail that matches the flooring. Before I realise it, I stagger to it with dying energy and lean against it. I’m trying to breathe in and out as much as I could, but it’s not calming me down. My entire body is shaking and I feel like falling flat on the ground, but I tighten my grip on the handrail with my left hand as my right arm firmly holds the square top baluster, as I kneel down on both my knees. I can feel it, it’s going to be harder than my imagination, it won’t be easy to go back home and the thought of that is killing me slowly, spiritually.
Swallowing nothing down my throat, I manage to stand. I don’t want to waste time trying to understand something complicated. Just as much as I am thinking about finding my way back home, I am not with enough energy; I am walking down the stairs with zombie like moves as my hands grip tightly on the handrail eke trying to breath to calm down. Speaking of calming down, I just realise that I am still barefoot. I exhale long and press my chest and walk back to the room I woke up in to. I get to the wardrobe and pick ballerina and race out the house with the pairs in my left hand.
I know Zhai said oak tree, but I highly doubt which one, though I am willing to do my very best to find her. I run out the room, taking the stairs in speed and rush out the house, through the big door of the main entry.
I take a moment, looking at the nature that welcomes my vision. Trees everywhere; woods right before the house after a twelve feet wide grass field. Following the doorstep, my vision ends on a main road and I turn back to the woods, looking for an oak tree where I suppose Zhai waits for me. She’s right; it’s simple to spot it just like that. I just realised that I lost my mind for a moment; I almost forgot what an oak tree looks like; it’s at the tip of a hill and it’s the only oak tree in the woods. Smiling, relived, I lift my dress up with the cloak as my right hand stays still on the pairs and I speed forwards, across the grass field to the woods, all the way to the obvious oak.
Zhai, as she said she will wait for me by the tree, is sitting on the huge root that curves above the ground. Though she didn’t mention that she would wait for me e
legantly sitting as she watches over the horizon. By far, if I have to say anything about Zhai it would be, ‘if elegancy plus beauty would be human’…
“Let’s go,” I say, breathing heavily as I stagger to stand while putting the ballerina shoes on my feet; one after the other right where I stand, hopping on one foot after the other.
“You…” she turns to me and pauses on her words as looks at the cloak quizzically. “You okay?” she deepens her frown lines as she manages to finally complete her sentence.
“I am. We should find the way out,” I don’t know why I sound bossy. I think I can blame my dying hope for that matter, but that still doesn’t quite explain why I sound quite demanding, like I am ordering her.
“Okay,” she sounds more puzzled than she looks, and I gasp, holding my hands in the air, then I swallow hard as I close my eyes shut trying to calm myself down, mentally. “You okay?” she rephrases her question one more time and I nod, frantic. “I know we aren’t friends but you should know that you can talk to me,” she adds and presses her lips into thin lines.
“I just want to leave this place,” I utter, but it’s too obvious that I have lost the tiny amount of hope I have in me. I meet her in her cognac-coloured eyes and I can read what I used to read in Kate’s eyes. Something questioning, while saying that I’m acting disreputable. “Oh, God can we just start walking already?” I widen my eyes at her. If we can’t leave this place once and for all, I hope we find our way back before dinner, I think.
Hell Again Page 13