Hell Again

by Mihret Adal Gidi

  “Fine,” she says, shaking her head at me in disbelief. I think I can even say I see her lips stretching sideways, but secretly. “I chose op road,” she adds, as she walks right past me and into the deep woods.

  I don’t like it, to walk in the woods, I mean. The last time, it didn’t turn good for any of us; I can even say we might get ourselves eaten if not beat to death.

  “What?!” she kind of barks at me and I yelp, a bit jumpy. She may be used to this but she has to consider I am not.

  “Jesus, Zhai,” I press on my chest with my right hand. “I just don’t think it’s fair to be in the woods after all we’ve been through,” I utter. I guess her yelling manages to bring out my obedient child self out to the surface.

  “Goo, then find your way,” she says, and I can now sense she is disappointed.

  “What is it, what did I do?” I ask her, spreading my arms sideways as she fully turns to look at me, shaking her head slowly.

  “You think I don know that you ask him?” I widen my eyes, pressing my lips; should I lie? This conversation feels like a conversation with Mum; like I’m in trouble and there is no way out, but I should try anyways. “Don even think about lyin.”

  “Shit!” I blow air out heavily. “Am I the only one in this world who can’t read minds?” I ask her and her disappointment on her face slowly starts to transform into a smile, and before we know it, we burst out in laughter.

  “You can’t really lie,” she utters, running out of breath. “Not with tha face,” she proceeds, and laughing, I sit on the huge root of the enormous oak tree she was sitting on before I got here.

  “I’m…” I utter and my laughter fades. “I’m really sorry.”

  “Oh, not worry,” she says, as she walks back and sits beside me. “What di he say?” she asks, in a sound that feels like it’s conveyed by a little hesitancy.

  “No,” I say and a momentary silence takes over as our eyes are fixed at the distance and yet still beautiful view ahead of us. “He said it bluntly. He…he takes his words back,” I utter sadly. I really want to cry but it really feels like weakness and I want to play resilient towards it; I just can’t yield the feeling I don’t want to.

  “He usually don do that,” she says quietly, and I turn to my left to look at her. “Di he say his reason?” she asks, as she turns to look me in the eye and I look down to the root we’re sharing as a bench.

  “I didn’t understand, and I don’t know but he said something like he wants to protect me.”

  “I can see he cares fo you,” she says and looks at the cloak. Clearing my throat, I huddle myself in it. “With you, its difren,” she says and takes my left hand in her right. “I can’t blame you, fo askin. I wa hoping you would,” she says, pressing an innocent smile.

  “But you, somehow, guessed he might refuse to take me back,” I frown to my statement and she nods in the way that feels like proving me right. “Let’s say you were in my world…”

  “I was,” she ascertains my words.

  “Sorry.” I breathe a smile and she presses her lips, keeping her hand to herself.

  “Don worry, I’m here fo more than long,” she says as if telling me she can be considered as one of them.

  “How long did you stay here?” It takes me a while to ask her since her face that displays melancholy is a great challenge.

  “Depends on tim you wan to hear,” I frown, perplexed, and she rolls her eyes exasperatedly. “What di you talk to him about?”

  “I…” I fill my chest with air, thinking about our conversation. “Mostly about the fact that I want to go back home,” I press my lips and she smiles as she looks back to the horizon. I can’t say what she is thinking about but she got lost in thought and sadly.

  “He say his name?” she asks. It feels like she is on the urge to discover something sure and different for the first time during her stay here.

  “I didn’t ask, he just went on and on abut irrelevant story I don’t want to hear; something about God and his son, or sons,” I roll my eyes, and as I meet her in hers, I find her staring at me. Her gaze makes it clear, that I am bad retelling a story. “What?” I shrug shaking my head frantic. “I just am not interested in religion thing,” I roll my eyes exhaling long and loud, in exhaustion. “I believe religion, in general, is some contrived phenomenon in history, fictitious stories, that one, some day long time ago, creates to rule a given society through fear.” I bow my head and press my lips as I close my eyes. “I am not saying there isn’t a time when I call for God to help me, enlighten me,” I add quietly. “You be surprised how religious my parents are,” I breath sarcastic laughter to the irony. “There is this void that I feel,” I point to my chest with my right hand. “Something I can’t explain, but I never find the answer for,” I add as I turn to her. She is the first and only person I share this with and her eyes are mirroring my emotions as if saying she shares the exact feeling as she nods with her lips sadly pressed. “Any way, what were you saying about time?” I ask her trying to abandon the feeling that we both suddenly got in to. “I don’t understand.”

  “You will, I will show you tha first.” She thinks for a while and wets her lower lip in deep concerned thought, “its history not story, what he told you, and I hope by the time you know its relevant and real, you don feel sadder than I.”

  Okay I guess she just make it clear that we both have different ways of thinking. But wait, did she say show me? How? I frown quizzically to the thought. I never for once thought someone would ever say they would show me time. Well, after all, I never thought I would get the chance to travel to another world, either.

  I shake my head as I remember that we both need to get out of this world…and back to ours. “How did you get here?” I ask her. eager to know how.

  “Like eperyone,” she says and turns to me. “Willingly, like you.”

  Oh no, not like me. I thought, I remember how things were like; it was magical and beautiful in its ways, it feels special and definitely different. Please not like me. I swallow nothing down my throat and hard that it kind of grouches. After a momentary huge hesitant moment, I manage to gasp my too-dry lips; slowly parting them in an obvious struggle. “Who…got you…who was it?” I whisper and before I know it, I feel my eyes going too heavy.

  “Him, and don worry you ar special,” she says quietly. Getting up, she starts leading the way into the woods.

  ***

  I am officially mad; I am mad enough that I am walking in the woods freely, following her lead. You can guess why I am mad. I thought I am in need of leaving him, so why am I mad that he got her here the same way he got me here? I don’t even know how far we have walked but I can tell we walked far from the house. I need to leave this God forsaken world once and for all, I don’t want to see him, like ever. God help me. I thought. I just did it again, but I elevate my eyebrows surprised that I am starting to sound more, like those who seek refuge of God in time of trouble.

  I should admit it; I am only envious and I need to came out of this feeling. I should stop. What is going on to me? I huddle myself in his cloak shaking my head.

  “You want break?” she asks me, ceasing from her walk and waking me back and out of my disturbed thoughts.

  “I’m good.” I bite my lower lip a little hard and she frowns.

  “You okay?” she asks, concerned, and I press my lips as I nod, assuring her that I am. She takes a moment looking at me and I look down between my feet, hoping I can hide my emotion from her. “I can tell you ar disturbed,” she utters calmly and I think her accent is sounding better and better every time she talks.

  “I’m fine, let’s just go,” I utter, and she exhales, long and exasperated.

  “After long tim, I laugh because op you,” she takes a step closer to me and I press my lips. “I hap someone to talk with. I want you to feel the same.”

  “It’s nothing, really,” I utter, looking into her eyes, but I know I can’t hide my feelings that are surfacing that I don’t want t
o stay long looking at her that I look down again.

  “You,” she says, and I look at her once again. “You like him.”

  “What, is that a statement or a question?” Spreading my arms sideways, I stare dead at her. She simply stays still, looking at me, perplexed. “I don’t understand why he has to get me here if he has you,” I scream, and she shrugs, surprised. “He is sick.” I couldn’t control my rising voice any longer, just as I can’t control the stone in my heart that’s getting heavier with each passing minute. “I am not willing to stay here only to share him, I can’t. It’s unacceptable, inappropriate!” I pull on my hair and she widen her eyes as she looks at me, mortified. “And to think I would be fine with it; he must be crazy. I’d rather die,” I just barked at her and since it’s not enough I simply scream and everything stay quiet.

  Oh, shit! I thought as I feel embarrassed to meet her in her eyes. What just happened?

  “I’m…” I gasp, staring at her warily. I don’t know what I have in mind and how to explain it. “I am. I. Am… So… Sorry,” I utter, trying to find a stipulating tone that can show her how sorry I am.

  “It’s…” she is not only puzzled but also running out of words…or that’s the only thing I can guess now. She shakes her head and looks at me, trying to clear her emotions off her face. “You’re in lope with him,” she says finally and smiles in a partial smile and amazed.

  “Wa…” I think so but I don’t want to admit anything to her now or even to myself. I don’t want to be loud about it, besides, I don’t even know his name. “What’s his name? I don’t even know his name let alone to fall for him,” I shrug with my left shoulder and sit on a stone under a tree.

  “You’re lucky. You still don know tha. We all know what we know from history bu not his real name. You sure you want to go home?”

  “Of course. What makes you think having feelings would stop me from going home?” I look down to the stone and place my left hand’s palm on it to feel the warmth coming from it. It feels quite unlike stones I am acquainted of. It feels a bit smooth, like a skin and the warmth of it feels almost like it has life. It’s actually scary to comfortably sit on it.

  “So, you hap a feeling?” She makes me gasp and stare at her in shock. Then I look down and stay quiet. After all, that quizzical statement is nothing but the truth. “We are here, anyway.” I look at her once again, and she throws her arms in the air, then behind her with her left hand, exasperatedly as she emphasises on the fact that we are helpless.

  “Here where?” my voice is too low and if she isn’t focused on me, she won’t hear me clearly.

  “I said I will show you tim.” I smile partially in disbelief and in amusement as I tilt to my right a little. “Come,” she adds, waving her right had to her direction. She is sadly smiling but proud that she will finally be able to show me something that can amuse me.

  “You got to be kidding me,” I say, as I stand to follow her.

  Just as I stand, a vibrating sound brings my attention back to the stone I was sitting on. To my surprise, the sound is coming from the stone; like it’s waking itself to something, but it lights up into a mix of orange and red colour, brightening its surroundings with a beautiful colour. The light seems to come from within, the centre of the stone and spread to cover it entirely. As it turns the stone into what looks like a light ball, the vibrating sound stops and the wood turns totally into its type of peaceable silence; birds singing, backed up with the natural quire of sound of the wind. Gasping, I look up and see that most stones are lighting up indifferent mixed colours and in beauty. Turning around and around, I stop just as I lock eyes with Zhai, who is looking at me with pressed smile. “This is beautiful,” I whisper to her, as her lips mirrors my smile.

  “It’s getting dak, an you will see the woods at its very best,” she adds, and I turn to her and giggle, but I start following her lead and skip beside her for the walk; locking my left arm with her right. “You will see life everywhere and beautiful,” she adds quietly.

  “Tell me about it.” I just can’t help myself but to giggle.

  It’s darker in the woods than out here in the open wide grass field. It really is getting late but back in the woods it is late; it looks darker with the shade that comes from the shades of the densely lined trees, but good thing that nature seems to know when to wake up and fill every surrounding with the beauty of life. Ahead of us, I can see a house in distance, and I think we are heading there to ‘see time’, as she said.

  Giggling, she poked me on my left side of hip, making me yelp in surprise gaspingly. After I gaze at her with my eyes narrowed for a moment, I bite my lower lip, playfully and poke her back jocosely. I think it’s time we relax. We forget everything for a moment; like children with no worries on their mind, we are running around, playing poke back, giggling and laughing, chasing one after the other. But before we know it, we are approaching the house, but we are enjoying nature at the same time. This is better than being bitter about how we got here and why. I am enjoying her company for the first time since we forget everything; we are acting like we are home and like we’re lifetime friends.

  It is true that everything has an end and seems like our momentary enjoyment has come to it. Once we reach to the house, Zhai stops on her speed and starts staring at the house. Breathing long, I press my lip in a hard line and lean on her shoulders from behind her.

  “So, we’re really here?” I ask her quietly and she nods to answer me. For reasons I don’t know how to quietly explain, I am scared, but I also believe that she wants me to be here for a good reason. I skip beside her to her left and offer her my right hand to take her left. We really are in this together and I am ready to face my troubles. “Let’s go in,” I utter quietly, and she looks at me and then my hand and press a smile as she takes it.

  “Bu, don expect happy,” she says worriedly, and closing my eyes, I press my lips, nodding. I don’t know what’s waiting for me behind the closed door, but I doubt if any of it will be worse than it already is.

  “How worst can it be?” I asked, shrugging my left shoulder sadly. “I am after all here and I should face it one or the other way.”

  “Then let’s go in,” she says and starts leading the way, pulling me by my hand.

  The house looks like it’s made entirely from padauk wood. It looks beautiful and snug from out here and it looks like the light from inside through the window is coming from candles; not that I can see a candle but the light looks dimmer and every time the slight wind makes its way right past us and into the house through the opened window, it looks like the lights plays resistant to go out. I think no one walks into the house, that it’s surrounded by tall grasses that brush us up to our knees. How amazing that even the grass filled is starting to glow in its beautiful natural green colour everywhere; and every time we make contact and I touch it with my free hand, while we walk through it to the house, it lights up even brighter into shamrock green colour. Everything in this world has its own life and beauty, but the night is more breathtakingly amazing. It is graced with…glamorous magic I can’t express in words, nor will I be able to cover with my amused expression on my face.

  Once Zhai starts taking a step on the stairs to the deck, she turns to look at me but with her smile fading away so slowly from her face. I know she said not to expect good thing, but from her reaction I think my heart will be broken. I hope to take it easy this time around.

  ***

  “I doubt if your Mum is happy about the religion issue,” Ahmed is whispering. He doesn’t want Hadiya’s mother to hear them having this conversation. She is here for the second time in a year and they prepare the room next to theirs for her to rest in.

  “This is my decision after all, you remember, right?” she asks him, whispering back to him and he presses an innocent smile.

  They are in their bedroom; Ahmed lying on left side of their bed; close to the dressing table mirror, where Hadiya is sitting in front of, while working on her hair. The cit
y Jimma is well known for the wood work and their room is filled with woody furniture.

  “How can I forget,” he says, pressing his lips. “But you know what I am saying,” he adds and sits up, looking at her as she stares back at him through the mirror; looking at his worried facial expression.

  “Not really,” she says quietly and whisperingly as she turns around in her seat, to face him. “After all, nothing concerns me regarding us; I believe we got each other in every way.”

  “I know that, but truth has it, marriage isn’t only about the couples but about unity of the families in both sides. If a side has a single thorn, then there is a problem in finding a comfort.” He takes moment, thinking in silence. Despite the fact that he knows that the thorns are too many in their case, they are doing everything in their power to make it happen; fighting every denial and playing immune to every negative comment coming from their families. “I know everything is too much in our case and that you are not allowing anything to come in between us.”

  “Then why the worry?” she asks, taking his hands in hers and he looks in her eyes sadly.

  “Cause, there will be time for you to realise how much you are missing in life, fighting to make this one. I’m afraid there will be time for you to get exhausted of the fight that’s keeping us both together in excitement. There will be time that ‘us against the world’ will sound cliché and that we need to move on.”

  “You know what I think? I think you’re overthinking.”

  “The truth is, that’s the undeniable truth and the future that awaits us. We’re both young and new for the marriage life.”

  “Then let’s leave now, let’s be us for now and let the future be the future. Think about it like this, we only have today and now to be at our best. Tomorrow isn’t really promised to us…or anyone, for that matter,” she says, rolling her eyes, smiling. “I mean, we would have known what’s to come next if it was, right?” she smiles, asking.