Hell Again

by Mihret Adal Gidi

  Oh, how surprising, I think to myself, looking at her, perplexed. I’m literally interested till I get to see what she wants to show me; after all, no one can blame me of my curiosity since I never get the chance to see her in need of sharing her beatific moments…I mean, here I am about to witness what ever made her happy in this world, finally and for the first time.

  “Just watch,” she adds, and I nod frantically in response to her demanding suggestion.

  Zhai walks away from me to an open in circle area; it is covered with the glowing green alga structures and stands straight and still in the centre of it.

  Just as I am excited to see, I am at the same time in fear since she mentioned she was once lost here because she was in love with it…I mean, she is literally my human map.

  She spreads her left arm in the air and weaves it, anticlockwise, all the way down to her chest, as she spreads her right arm and weaves it, clockwise, to her chest; her hands meeting, in prayers mode, to the centre of her chest. As she does her move, it feels like the air, by the spot she choose to stand by, is touchable that I can see weaves as she moves her hand, forming lemon-yellow shimmering dust in the air she touches; it’s like seeing her in a clear water tank while she is performing a dance under water. She is still, standing straight, her eyes closed and her hands meeting at the centre of her chest.

  She rises her left leg up and taps the ground, so slowly and chartreuse-green coloured dust rises up from the alga and spreads in the air, mixing with the lemon-yellow dust. As she taps the floor it also forms a drumming sound; deep long sound, ‘boom’ and the sound give me butterflies in my belly that I gasp in surprise, pressing on my chest, gripping on the cloak. As her eyes opens she spreads her right leg to the side as her feet draw an open bracket on the ground rising more of the shimmering chartreuse-green dust up, as her left knee bend forming a comforting position to her right leg, then she stands still once again and I exhale in awe of surprise.

  I don’t know if I’m right but I think my mouth is opened wide to what she is showing me…I think she is right to fall in love with this place and I guess she is right to get lost here, it’s easy and I can see the why and the how clearly.

  With a momentary pause on her steps, she waits until the dust clears, settling down; standing still in her position. She once again uses her feet to tap on the ground, three consecutive times, swift moves, ‘boom, boom, boom,’ and at the third she floats up and rests back on the ground so slowly; the sound echoing repeatedly. As she rests down her hair start floating in the air as if she really is under water. Her gaze fixed at mine and I gape as she smiles in satisfaction to what she is doing. She claps once following her feet tapping once and dropping her hands down, she once again floats and this time around she stays still, floating; her dress moving in slow move with her hair in the air, this looks exactly like an underwater show. With all the shimmering dusts that surrounds her, as well the glowing dense wood and the sound she just makes, it creates unexplainable magnetic pull in me; I want to do what she just did and more. This really is loveable and addicting.

  As our eyes lock gaze, we share momentary feeling; we both got lost in exulting feeling; it’s intense. I can’t just explain, but it seems impossible to simply despair and leave. I can’t say I hate it as much as I am not enjoying it; it’s disturbing for me, to feel connected with Zhai. Somehow, I can understand her feelings in her eyes, I can understand her hate to this world; it’s like a journey in her thought, like I can read her mind. I can tell she is also feeling the same way towards me. We are staring at each other as if obligated to do so.

  My lips are dryer, my eyes watery and I am happier like never before. No way I feel thirsty, but I am; not of water but something more, of something that can deeply reconnect me to quench that need, to halt that ardour need that is scorching me inside out at the moment. We are still staring at each other, like one knows what the other is in need of.

  Suddenly, a huge hand yanks her out of the circle and she staggers to stand as we both scream in shock, waking back to the momentary reality among the magical offerings of the land.

  ***

  He is dressed like a gladiator; there is no wind, not that strong, but his anchor-grey cloak, attached to his bronze chest plate, is roughly moving in the air, as if no gravity. He... whatever it is, is huge; his hand that is gripping on Zhai’s left arm seems effortless but it is hurting her at the same time, burning her.

  I am not focusing to calm myself to think with a clear mind. All I can do is scream as loud as I could, in shock; I lose control over my body, I feel weak and my body is shivering, powerless. I for a moment and for so many reasons, feels dead; I can feel a stinging painful feeling in my chest as I feel like running out of air.

  I can’t see his... it’s face; it looks blurry, like when you try to rub and erase a fresh ink painting. My screaming turns it towards me, dropping Zhai down as it starts marching to me. Seeing its face is sickening but in hope of escaping, I am fidgeting to stand up and run, but I couldn’t even stand from the ground; I keep stepping on my own dress and fall back, over and over again.

  Just like that, its interest changes towards me. I squeeze my eyes shut as I hopelessly hold my breath in, in fear, but it ceases on its steps and take a moment. I think it’s looking down at me. Fortunately, or for reason I am not sure of, it walks right past me. I can feel it; every step it takes though my eyes are shut; the ground shakes as a result of its heavy steps. Just when it passes me, the tip of the flapping cloak hits me briefly on my head and I open my eyes in shock; it’s too hot. Like a fire.

  For a while, everything rests in a complete silence. Slowly, I open my eyes and look at Zhai, who’s standing up from the ground. Swallowing hard, I pull my dress up in my hands and get up from the ground. I can tell how shocked and in pain she is, and the magical momentary rhythm is over just like that.

  “Wooo…” I just can’t put the hurricane of sentences that’s hitting my head all at once. “What. Was. That.” I doubt if I know exactly what I am trying to do, as it is hard for me to say anything about it. Either way, I am whispering in fear that it might come back.

  “This nebr happened.” I can sense she is shivering as I am. I guess I am right to whisper after all; she is as well. “Aw,” she adds as she touches her arm, where it was holding her by.

  “You okay?” I run to her and I hold her in concern.

  “Um,” she says, pressing her lips in a disappearing line and lifts her left hand off from her right arm. As soon as I see the burn on her arm, it leaves me in gasping but I restrain myself from screaming. “Somethin changed,” she adds quietly.

  “What?” I frown in worry and she shrugs her left shoulder in the way to say that she doesn’t know. “You think it is good change?”

  “Nothing good comes from this…” she says and sucks on her lower lip hard, closing her eyes. Her cheeks are changing colour and her skin is getting wet; I think she is in real pain.

  “I think we should get your wound cleaned up,” I say as I try to take a look at it, but she holds it back once again.

  “We shou go now. If he knows we are not home for dinner…”

  “And you?” I care less about whatever she is trying to warn me about. I don’t want to lose someone who shares the same intentions as mine.

  “I will be fine,” she says, a bit agitated and starts leading the way in a hurry as she starts looking from left to right. “Hurry,” she adds in a scolding manner and I start running after her to be able to keep up with her. I think she is scared and the thought of it is killing me alive, already.

  “What was that, anyways?” I ask her.

  “That is Xaphan; who fires the fires of hell,” she says quietly breathing heavy. This is crazy but I believe her completely. “He must have let us go for the cloak you are wearing.” I elevate my eyebrows as I hold it tighter, I think I love it too much so suddenly and for a good reason.

  It takes us half an hour to get back to the house. We rush in and sh
e starts leading up the stairs. Once we reach on the top of the last tread, she turns around and she stops me.

  “Change,” she says, breathing heavily. You know what, I think she looks a little pale and like she is about to die.

  “I got it, but what about you? I want to help with your wound.” Seriously, I don’t want to be alone as well, I think. I can’t say that to her. Not after what we just passed through.

  “Go. We meet later,” she says and speeds down the corridor. She just leaves and I am alone once again. Like I am forced, like I have absolutely nothing to do now, I just stay still, looking at her running away from me. I guess I just have the time and chance to be alone.

  Oblivion is a void, a darkness that feels quite like a doom that falls up on oneself. It’s everything negative. If well managed, it is moments of loneliness to realise and see what’s really happening around us. Who’s who and what we really are doing. We will be able to allow our subconscious to function in ways like never before.

  Now, that’s what’s happening. I am looking at things and clearly for the first time ever; I am getting along with the polluted environment that I am not supposed to. I am becoming part of something… in someplace I don’t belong to. What’s more terrifying is the fact that I am responsible for everything that’s happening. I was running on things blindfolded and the worst in this situation is, I think it is a matter of heart thing now and It isn’t supposed to be.

  Shaking my head, I look from left to right and swallow nothing. Pressing my belly with my left hand, I take a moment to wake myself back to the now and I speed forwards to the room I left hours earlier, to the room I woke up in to. I guess I have to be ready to the show I have to put up with for dinner.

  I sneak into the room and start taking off all the jewellery and leave it on the floor. Breathing long, I start working on the straps of my dress, to take it off as I walk to the French window with an exquisite view. I have never seen anything beautiful as this place in my life before; the beach is at its best now… I’ll be damned if I will ever be surprised about seeing anything anymore once I am back home…if I get back home. I walk back to the closet to pick something I can use for now.

  What am I to do, Mum? How am I getting back home? I wonder, frowning. Once I slide open the door to the closet, I feel the switch to the closet; that is hanging down in strap, weaving back and forth to my forehead and I grab it by my left hand. I take a while, frowning, trying to adjust to the thought of why it is moving before I touch it or why the closet door is cracked slightly like it was opened for a while. I must be going crazy; it must be him leaving it open or I must have left the house earlier before fully closing it. Shaking my head, I pull it down and turn the light on to the closet.

  Is this death…what it feels like. I can feel my body freeze in shock as every part of me stops functioning for a moment and abruptly. I lose control in shock and burst out a loud brief scream before I know it.

  ***

  “Are you calm?” a young lady asks me in concern. I am still not calm, but I simply nod. My eyes are still fixed at him and his at mine.

  We were planning on lying to him, but I see that it’s not going to work at all. I can feel it in my bones and entireness that nothing is going to be easy for me…or Zhai. I am sure as his cold gaze is confirming it to me.

  It’s impossible to lie to someone who waited for me in the closet with a dress in his hands, as if indicating that he can read my mind.

  I really don’t know how to react to his fixed gaze; narrowed cold eyes are staring at me like a sphere arched at me. He is smiling; as if saying he knows what we have been doing. It might be his narrowed eyes with the smile, but I am feeling discomfort to his gaze. He can’t possibly know we plan on hiding what we were doing? I think. Even if he can I should never give into this and tell him about what happened; I can’t be fooled twice. Besides, flash back of what Zhai was doing in the woods is disturbing me, as it reminds me of that needing feeling. I clear my throat rough as I do my very best to keep my thoughts under control. It must be something in the air, I think. I just want to blame something other than myself weak towards his gaze.

  “Get dressed and meet me downstairs,” he orders quietly and I nod.

  “Would you like me to assist you?” another lady asks me, and I get my attention back to the ladies who storms in the room earlier, hearing my screaming in shock.

  “No,” I say. I clear my throat rough and press my lips hard, closing my eyes as in the process to clear my mind of my ill thoughts. “No, thanks,” I add, to be precise. “I can do it myself, thanks.” I stand from my seat and walk to him and take the dress in his hand and look down at it. “You can leave now.”

  “Yes, mam,” they say, one after the other.

  I think he wants to match with me for the night that he picked out a black dress. I press my lips and force a smile, staring back at him. He is changed into what I am used to seeing him; the Indian style coat and trouser.

  “I’ll also pick a dress for myself,” I add, before they all leave the room. I want to make sure that they know that I am disobedient to his wishes, I think it works as well; one of the ladies steals a glimpse to me in shock, but she speeds leave the room, anyway. He seemed a little surprised at the very fact that I just did that; he tilts to his left as he looks at me quizzically and at the same time smiling.

  “Yo…”

  “You should leave,” I say quietly, and he holds back on his words completely. “I will meet you downstairs, as you have put it.” I think I am trying my best to be as calm as possible as well as polite. Closing his eyes, he nods, respecting my wishes and leaves the room without uttering a word. I am not feeling what I seem; strong. At the realisation that I am alone, as I hear him closing the door behind him, I break down in tears. Damn you for making me feel like I am sailable and weak around you. I hate you for making me lo… I cease my thoughts at the realisation on what I am admitting.

  How dare I still think about having a feeling for him? I can’t believe what I am thinking about now. He is my sin and I sinned against my family and everyone I knew. He stole my life and I... I am still thinking about what I feel for him. How is it possible that one needs something so profane this much? Just the thought of him and what I feel towards him gives me chills. I love it and hate it; I need it but I can’t have it. I need to stop, I should stop.

  “Impossible,” I sob, “I can’t, I just can’t.” I can’t halt my tears anymore, “I can’t love you. No!” I scream, weeping even harder, admitting my defeat. I don’t know how it helps but I press on my belly with my arms, hugging myself tightly, staying still on the ground, kneeling in a huddling manner.

  ***

  It’s all about putting everything under my control…things that seem like I can control, I mean. To be frank, the only thing I can control is my loose cannon emotion that’s fighting to its freedom run all over the place like a mad dog. It’s more like a want. I want to look like someone who has everything under her consent, like someone who accepted her faith doomed in this place.

  I’m in golden long mermaid dress; with a scoop neck with black leather edge, which makes the dress looks simple in style. The longer part of the dress is organza textile tattoo with a transplant garment on top of a mini solid part of the dress. Every detail is too perfect about the dress; it displays my gesture well and beautifully, but I’m afraid I look a little naked since the colour blends completely with mine. My hair is held high in clean ponytail. I want to make sure that I am going to be as comfortable as I can for tonight. Besides, I think if I can give a clear view of my face, I may appear to look more self-assured. It’s deceiving but like I already said, I don’t want to show my weakness.

  Yes, it’s a terrible decision anyone can ever made. Especially someone in my type of situation. I walk down the stairs and there he is, waiting for me, he smiles all gracefully, leaving me breathless, offers me his right arm and I take it and he walks me to the living room filled with beautiful ladies; they are
waiting for us that the room turns in complete silence as we enter and those who are sitting stand up and the rest of them press a smile, most of them forced, some sad and soulless. To be honest, my eyes are searching for Zhai but she’s nowhere to be seen.

  “I want you all to be at your very best, for her,” he spoke in demanding tone and I clear my throat roughly, looking down at myself. I lift my head up and look at each and every single one of the ladies before us. “You serve her,” he adds, and I fill my chest with air. His voice has a power, I can fill it vibrating in my chest, I can fill it trailing down my arms that crosses his. It tickles, his voice; I know because I am still holding him and for that I can fill the energy traveling into my body from his and I can share every word he spells in me. “You do what she wants you to, you will be present to all her needs.”

  “Stop, please,” I whisper, discernible only to his ears and I look into those cobalt colour deep set eyes and he fixes them on me. Shit! I think to myself in slight shock as I feel something kicking in my belly.

  “Sorry,” Zhai walks right past us to my mercy that I turn my attention to her. We then exchange reasonable quizzical facial expressions. What’s going on? She seems to ask, and shrugging, I look back at her like answering, I don’t know.

  “Baozhai,” he quietly calls her name.

  She looks fresh and better than earlier. She is in black dress and her hair is subdued in a chignon; she looks completely beautiful. Her dress is different than mine in so many ways but almost like mine; it’s made of leather garment that resembles a cracked dry land of a desert; turtleneck with long sleeves and floor length long. My attention jumps to her arm, but I can’t tell exactly that her dress sleeve has covered it well. Hearing her own name from him seems to shock her that she lowers her head as her cheeks change colour. I know she doesn’t need makeup, but I understand why; just as I want to look self-assured, she is in need of it as well.