James Graham Plays 2

by James Graham

Coventry SW/ Lady Batley/ Ensemble Helena Lymbery

  Paddington S/Chelmsford/ S Ayrshire/Henley/Ensemble Matthew Pidgeon

  Speaker 1/Liverpool Edgehill/ Ensemble Giles Taylor

  Bromsgrove/Abingdon/Paisley/ Fermanagh/Ensemble Tony Turner

  Esher/Ensemble Rupert Vansittart

  When the production transferred to the Olivier Theatre on 23 February 2013, Reece Dinsdale took over from Philip Glenister and David Hounslow from Richard Ridings.

  Director Jeremy Herrin

  Designer Rae Smith

  Lighting Designer Paule Constable

  Music Stephen Warbeck

  Choreographer Scott Ambler

  Sound Designer Ian Dickinson

  Characters

  Labour Whips

  Michael Cocks, forties, Yorkshireman

  Walter Harrison, fifties, Yorkshireman

  Bob Mellish, fifties, Londoner

  Joe Harper, fifties, Yorkshireman

  Ann Taylor, twenties, Lancashire

  Tory Whips

  Humphrey Atkins, fifties, Berkshire

  Jack Weatherill, fifties, Worcestershire

  Fred Silvester, thirties, London

  The roles opposite can be played either by an ensemble of actors, ranging from one extreme (one actor per MP) to the other (a small handful playing all parts). Invention is encouraged.

  The Members’ Chorus

  Bromsgrove

  Woolwich West

  Rochester and Chatham

  Paddington South

  Esher

  Belfast West

  Belfast North

  Armagh

  Fermanagh

  Western Isles

  Merioneth

  Caernarfon

  Peebles

  Walsall North

  Ilford North

  Thurrock

  Coventry North West

  Redditch

  Chelmsford

  Plymouth Sutton

  Abingdon

  Batley

  Paisley

  South Ayrshire

  Henley

  Lowestoft

  Stirlingshire West

  Liverpool Edge Hill

  Welwyn and Hatfield

  St Helen’s

  Coventry South West

  Newham North East

  West Lothian

  Rushcliffe

  Ashfield

  Perry Bar

  Birmingham

  Stechford

  Mansfield

  Glasgow Garscadden

  The Strangers’ Gallery

  Speaker

  Clerk

  Clockmaker

  Teller

  Serjeant at Arms

  Lady Batley

  Paramedic

  Barber

  This House is a fictional account which has been inspired by true events. The incidents, characters and time lines have been changed for dramatic purposes. In some cases fictitious characters and incidents have been added to the plot and the words are those imagined by the author. The play should not be understood as biography or any other factual account.

  A Note on Staging

  The play is set in the Palace of Westminster.

  The main locations are the Government Whips’ Office and the Opposition Whips’ Office, located either side of the Members’ Lobby.

  The Members’ Chorus sit in the House of Commons Chamber, set to one side or at the back. The Members stand and assume the part of the MP for their particular constituency when called by the Speaker, who sits in the Speaker’s Chair observing the action.

  Prologue

  The Westminster Clock Tower.

  The small anteroom behind the famous Big Ben clock face, looming large and high.

  Michael Cocks stands, back to us, staring out through the frosted panels of the clock.

  The Division Bell rings.

  The Speaker rises from his chair in the Commons Chamber.

  Speaker Order. ORDER!

  The Members’ Lobby. Members are running around the palace in a panic – announced, as always, by the Speaker as they enter.

  Speaker The Member for Bromsgrove! The Member for Woolwich West!

  Bromsgrove Oi, Bill. (Whistles.) Bill, what’s the bother?

  Woolwich West He’s bloody going, i’nt he?! Off to see the Queen.

  Bromsgrove No, bollocks, says who?

  Woolwich West Harrison.

  Bromsgrove . . . Walter? Oh no . . .

  Woolwich West Some time today. That’s it, another bastard election. (Goes.)

  Bromsgrove Oh, shit-a-fucking-brick, no – (Goes to run.)

  Speaker The Member for Rochester and Chatham!

  Rochester and Chatham Is it true?

  Bromsgrove You should know, he’s your leader, love. (Goes.)

  Rochester and Chatham Oh don’t be like that. Terry!

  Speaker The Member for Paddington South!

  Paddington South enters, holding a red ministerial box.

  Rochester and Chatham Well?

  Paddington South ARSE!

  Rochester and Chatham It’s true, then?

  Paddington South Bloody typical, the Labour lot catch wind of it first and we’re in ruddy power. Shows who your friends are. Christ!

  Rochester and Chatham Look, the Deputy.

  Paddington South Jack!

  Jack Weatherill, the Conservative Deputy Whip, enters. He wears an incredible suit.

  Weatherill Afternoon.

  Paddington South Is it true, he’s calling it today?

  Weatherill I understand your concern –

  Rochester and Chatham Concern?

  Weatherill – and rest assured, both of you, when there’s news, if there’s news, it will be announced through the usual channels. Please excuse me. (Goes.)

  Paddington South (calling after) The usual channels? Come on, Walter Harrison is already spreading it around like shit on a field! How can a Labour whip be announcing it before the Tories? Jack?

  The Government Whips’ Office, to one side of the Members’ Lobby.

  One main office with an adjoining door to another, off. Desks, sofas, TV, safe, drinks cabinet.

  Humphrey Atkins sits calmly, listening to classical music.

  Weatherill enters.

  Weatherill Chief. Bit of a to-do out there. (Begins clearing out his drawers.)

  Atkins I imagine so, yes. Just enjoying the calm before the storm.

  Speaker The Member for Paddington South!

  Atkins Enter.

  Paddington South knocks on the door. Atkins gets to his feet now and begins to ‘pack away’ with real purpose, emptying his (black) ministerial briefcase, even shredding paper. Throughout this, the lights occasionally dim and flicker, due to power shortages.

  Paddington South I don’t believe it, Chief – bloody hell. Finally, I finally get my hands on one of these. (His box.)

  Weatherill Please, there’s a good chap, / this really isn’t the . . .

  Paddington South But I won’t be coming back you know. The seat’ll go red this time, you just watch. It’s anarchy out there, blue-arsed flies.

  Atkins That’s why they call it a snap election, Nicholas. It isn’t a ‘bend slowly until it gives’ election, it isn’t a ‘stir gently over a medium heat, reduce to simmer and then serve’ election. It’s a ‘snap’. Quick and painless, off like a plaster –

  The phone rings.

  Paddington South Painless?! Hah!

  Atkins (answering) Whoever you are, yes, it’s true, clear your desk. (Phone down.) A key component in the element of surprise is the element of surprise.

  Clerk knocks.

  Weatherill Come in.

  The Clerk enters, and during the remaining dialogue Atkins removes everything from his black box and hands it to the Clerk, as well as keys, signing everything away.

  Paddington South Dammit, what a rotten bloody system this is, the whole thing. God!
>
  Atkins (as he de-junks) Cruel as it may seem at this present juncture, this ‘rotten system’, the foundation stone of democracy, is one of the few things this country has manufactured and exported that hasn’t been sent back. Envied the world over for its simplicity. One person, one vote, sending one member, to represent them in one house. And the party with more warm bodies than any other, governs. As one.

  Paddington South Yes, but this time they won’t be sending me back, that’s what I’m saying!

  Weatherill (warmly) You’ll be fine, Nick. Chin up.

  Atkins (carrying on) And this building, this hallowed earth upon which we stand, this mother of all parliaments – yes she’s showing her age, but like all good ‘mums’, she’s showing it with dignity and with grace – (To Clerk, taking back some keys.) hang on – this House serves to remind us that we are but its temporary trustees, Nicholas. (Removing his key fob.) This is mine. (Handing back the keys.)

  Clerk begins retrieving Paddington South’s red case – emptying it, keys, signature.

  Atkins And when Parliament dissolves at 5 p.m. today, I am no longer the Member for Spelthorne, nor Jack the Member for Croydon North East, nor you the Member for Paddington South. But Paddington, sadly, will go on without you. It is a lesson we all must learn. Earth, and dust. (Lightly touching his black case on the table.) Hope to see you again, old friend.

  Clerk exits, taking with him the two cases.

  The Opposition Whips’ Office – the other side of the Members’ Lobby.

  Bob Mellish, Labour Chief Whip, has also begun to pack up, picking from sausage and chips wrapped in newspaper as he goes.

  Speaker The Member for Bromsgrove!

  Bromsgrove (entering, sees Mellish packing) Oh, Jesus Christ.

  Mellish No, it’s Bob actually, but the likeness is uncanny. Saveloy?

  Bromsgrove Chief, what’s going on?

  Mellish Look I know as much as you do, Terry; where the bleeding ’ell is Walter – ?

  Walter Harrison, Labour Deputy Whip, bursts in, closing the door behind him.

  A beat. Waiting . . .

  Harrison raises his arms in victory, cheering. Mellish then follows suit.

  Harrison WHEY!

  Bromsgrove Oh no.

  Mellish We are on our way back! Come on! (Continues packing away, with Harrison now.) Where are the others? Where’s Cocks?

  Harrison Michael? Dunno.

  Bromsgrove Yeah, alright for you, innit? Not defending a tiny majority, are you? Eighteen hundred, me! What are you, Walter – Wakefield? Ha ha. Wake – Kill for Wakefield, bloody hell. Couldn’t have given me an effing mining town, could they? Mill town, salt of the earth, no. And they’ve only gone and merged me with Redditch, now. Redditch, for God’s sake; that’s killed it.

  Harrison Bugger off; Redditch? It’s manufacture, / industry, workers –

  Bromsgrove Oh, bollocks, honestly Walter, that’s . . . needles, that’s all they make, that’s all they bloody well make in Redditch. Needles. That’s it.

  Harrison (at the chips) Oi, what’s this, no mushy peas? Travesty.

  Mellish Oh give over, ‘mushy peas’.

  Bromsgrove Chaps –

  Harrison Like having a bath with no bubbles.

  Mellish You uncouth Northern brute, you –

  Bromsgrove I’M BEING SERIOUS! . . .

  They’ll boot me out. ’Cause I did what I was told, towed the party line, stayed loyal.

  Harrison Do you ever look up at the sky? Terry? Ever watch the way birds move en masse? Their ability to survive lies in the fact they all imperceptibly, instinctively, turn together. On our own, we’re nowt. That’s the job of the whips. The job is to transmit in a way that is undetectable to the eagles circling above, the job is to communicate the instruction ‘Turn’. ‘Turn now.’ ‘Turn all of us, together, now, and we might make it. We might just bloody well make it.’

  Bromsgrove I hate birds. They shit on you from a great height.

  Harrison You’ll be alright. And if not, there’s other elections, other seats.

  Beat.

  Bromsgrove (nods, turning sadly; stops, turning back) Oh what’s the point of it all . . . ? Eh . . . ? What’s the bloody . . . point?

  He exits.

  Mellish Don’t worry about him, he’ll be OK.

  Harrison Yeah. Although, no, he won’t be, will he, but . . .

  Mellish That’s life.

  Harrison That’s politics.

  Harrison leaves the Opposition office, stepping into:

  Members’ Lobby. Bumping into Weatherill, coming the other way. They don’t shake.

  Weatherill Ah, Walter. The ‘man of the hour’.

  Harrison Jack. I see you’re off to inspect the troops. (At his large notebook.) My oh my, look at this, that’s a new one, what is it, leather? Bit big, though.

  Weatherill Oh, do you think? I rather like it, substantial, plus the lines are not too thick.

  Harrison (taking a small notebook from his back pocket) Here, look, see? Small and simple.

  Weatherill (taking his, flicking) Hmm, yes, ‘old reliable’. Well, not without its charms, easily accessible I suppose, but where’s that sense of authority, Walter? The weight of information.

  Harrison Members see a big fat thing like that, they think you’re compensating for something.

  Weatherill Ah, well. You believe what you like. I must get on.

  Harrison So will I still be dealing with you, do you think, after the big heave-ho, the old switcheroo?

  Weatherill I’ll go where I’m put, Walter, of course; and ‘switcheroo’ – come off it, you know we’re staying in. I mean / yes, of course –

  Harrison Staying in, have you / seen the polls?

  Weatherill It will be tight. Yes, I have seen the polls, Walter; we’re in the lead in the polls –

  Harrison Only just; nowt in it.

  Weatherill In dark times, the electorate sticks with the devil it knows.

  Harrison Ay up, they’re only dark because you can’t keep the lights on! I mean surely the most basic test of a government is that they can keep the blinking lights on, Jack?

  Weatherill Still, after all this, perhaps you’ll finally get to be the Chief Whip now, ‘Deputy’.

  Harrison Well. Perhaps you will be your side, an’ all, ‘Deputy’. (Makes to go.)

  Weatherill And, erm. How did you find out so quickly? The election?

  Harrison I don’t kiss and tell, Jack. Should know that about me by now.

  Weatherill (beat; holding his hand out) Walter.

  Harrison (shaking it) Jack.

  Up in the Clock Tower. Cocks is still facing the clock, staring out. Clockmaker arrives, climbing up the stairs, into the room, jangling keys.

  Clockmaker ’Bout done, are we, Mr Cocks? Only they’ll be coming up to turn the light off.

  Cocks Oh. Yeah, no. Course. Ta for letting me, uh . . .

  Clockmaker That’s alright. My predecessor, he left me a note. ‘Mr Cocks goes up the clock, no questions asked.’

  I thought it were a nursery rhyme at first. (Beat. Pointing up.) What’s the deal with the light, anyway?

  Cocks The Ayrton Light, above the clock. Shines when Parliament is seated; put out when it rises. Lot of funny rules and traditions here, you’ll start to learn.

  Clockmaker Londoner all my life, me, never even knew you could stand behind that thing.

  Cocks Most famous face in the world. Never stopped ticking, you know, since it first, like . . . Even during the war, the Blitz, bombs raining down. Stubbornly, just – kept on ticking.

  Clockmaker Yeah, well, it’s only a couple ticks away from the old, uh . . . so come on.

  Cocks exits swiftly down the stairs, as Big Ben begins to strike. The Ayrton Light snaps off –

  Brief sound bites of the February 1974 general election as in the dimly lit Commons Chamber the Members cho
rus take their seats: ‘Tories predicted victory’ – ‘Exit polls suggest a tight race’ – ‘Margaret Thatcher discounting the Liberals, preferring two-party politics’ – ‘First hung parliament in half a century’ – ‘The “squatter in Downing Street” ’ – Dimbleby chasing St John Stevas: ‘Will Tories do deal with Liberals?’ – No deal – ‘Labour form a minority government’.

  Act One

  Scene One

  The Government Whips’ Office. Afternoon.

  Humphrey Atkins is packing a box. Bob Mellish bounces in with his own box of things.

  Mellish (mockingly) Oh Humphrey, me ol’ cocker –

  Atkins Oh, don’t start, Bob, alright?

  Mellish Start? Moi?!

  Atkins Let’s at least try and conduct this transfer with a modicum of decorum, shall we –

  Mellish A ‘modicum of decorum’, blimey what’s that, odds on favourite for the 2.15?

  Atkins That’s a ‘no’ then, I take it. (Lifting a painting from the wall.)

  Mellish You can leave that if you like –

  Atkins Get your own. Gift from my wife, anniversary.

  Mellish Look, I’m sorry, Humphrey, genuine commiserations and all that. Politics is a cruel sport, second place gets you naff all.

  Atkins Yes, well, in – ha ha, in your case, Bob, first place gets you ‘naff all’ as well. Four seats more than us? Labour may be the largest party, but not a majority in the House. Some might say that means we all lost.

  Mellish And yet here we are, swapping offices. A few small steps across the lobby, but a giant leap for mankind.

  Atkins Bob. It’s a hung parliament. You’ve got no idea, have you? (Making to leave.)

  Mellish Oi, what’s your combination for the safe? I need to change it.

  Atkins I’ll inform the Clerk, he can come and arrange for it to –

  Mellish Oh come on, Humphrey, just give me your bloody –

  Atkins Bob, no, I’m not telling you, / it’s a combination that –

  Mellish Oh well, that’s grown up, isn’t it?

  Atkins (continuing) – we’ve been using for . . . It’s not about being ‘grown up’.

  Mellish So / how am I meant to – Right, OK.

  Atkins (continuing) It’s about protocol, Bob, procedure; call the Clerk.

  Mellish Fine. Oi. (Holding out his hand.) No hard feelings, eh?

  Atkins (beat; putting down; shakes) Listen. I mean this, because I like you –