James Graham Plays 2

by James Graham

  Mellish Well you are, though. (Off her look.) What? I’m the token cockney geezer, I get on side the other cockney geezers, Walter Harrison, he’s a Yorkshire Bruiser, he gets on side all the Yorkshire bruisers, I’ve got Lancashire good cops and East Midland bad cops, what I ain’t and never had is one of you. Politics is representation, end of the day, eh?

  Taylor Fine. Just don’t feel you have to tone it down –

  Mellish Sod that – a bird in the office? We’ll be cranking it up. (Leading her out.) Like football?

  Taylor Bolton Wanderers.

  Mellish That’s a no, then.

  Exiting with her . . .

  Scene Two

  Around the Lobby: the Strangers’ Bar, the Smoking Room, the Terrace, St Mary’s Crypt.

  Speaker The Members for Belfast West, Belfast North, Armagh and Fermanagh!

  Strangers’ Bar. Harrison with the Irish members. Belfast West, the ringleader.

  Fermanagh Bartender!

  Belfast West The thing is, Walter, I hope you know what you’re asking us to do here.

  Fermanagh If I’d known there were so many bars in Parliament, I’d have stood for election years ago, you know?

  Belfast West I mean asking us, us, me, to blindly support you, the British Government – well you know, the ‘sort of’ government, bless yers – I hope you know what you’re actually asking.

  Armagh I’m happy to consider an arrangement, Walter, but it’s got to be give and take, you know? We’ve got to get something back.

  Belfast North Like the boundary changes.

  Armagh And the pipeline –

  Belfast North Ooh yeah, the pipeline.

  Harrison I can promise our door will always be open, nothing is off the table to our friends.

  Belfast West Most of us signed up to abstain on bloody everything – protest.

  Harrison Abstaining we can handle, just don’t walk through the lobby against us.

  Belfast North So le – let me get this straight. You want us to do nothing, as soon as possible? (Thinks . . . ) Alright, done.

  Belfast West I’ll tell you what, nationalist though I may be, I’m still a Labour man at heart –

  Fermanagh (at his beer) I can’t see how you keep the prices so low. What are your margins –

  Belfast West Would you stop your jabbering, I’m talking politics here.

  Fermanagh Yeah, but there’s a time and a place.

  Belfast West It’s a weekday afternoon in the House of Commons!

  Fermanagh I stand by my original assertion.

  Belfast West What I’m saying is: for asking so nicely, I’ll vote with you, for now, and we’ll see how we go. OK?

  Harrison Smashing! And, ay up, look, I know it’s a bugger, travelling over here, leaving the family, so remember, you get flights and hotels for the missus. We can bring ’em over to stay, three times a year.

  Fermanagh (lowering his drink, exchanging glances) Don’t you fuckin’ dare!

  Government Whips’ Office. Harrison steps to his blackboard, wiping figures from the opposition side, reducing their total. He heads out, Taylor and Mellish closely behind him, getting ready to vote.

  Mellish It’s what makes our job so hard, it’s about flesh and blood at the end of the day, you vote with your bodies. You can’t phone it in from China, can’t send it through the post, can’t even stay sat and raise your hand. Unless you put one foot in front of the other and pass through the lobby, you don’t count. It’s archaic, it’s old-fashioned, it’s bollocks; but somehow it works.

  Speaker The Member for Western Isles!

  The Tea Room. Harper drinking tea with the Scots. Western Isles their Party Leader.

  Western Isles It feels funny, us wee Scot Nats getting this ‘romantic’ attention, suddenly. Before the last election, I was the only one here. I had to ‘whip’ myself. (Laughing.) And I still couldn’t always get the bugger into the lobby!

  Harper It’s a manifesto pledge to vote on Scottish devolution and you know full bloody well a Tory Government wouldn’t put that forward, right? If we make it through the summer, everything points to us calling another election and getting a majority. Once that happens, we can start getting stuff done. The big stuff. Together.

  Western Isles If you promise to make devolution a priority, we’ll promise not to join a coup against you, OK?

  Speaker The Members for Merioneth and Caernarfon!

  The River Terrace.

  Cocks smoking with the Welsh – Merioneth and Caernarfon.

  Merioneth No Bob or Walter today? The big guns aiming at the big targets, then, are they?

  Cocks The . . . ? No, I, I wanted, we wanted the Welsh voices to be heard, see.

  Merioneth Like a couple of mice, singing in the cats’ choir? (Finishes his fag and flicks it over the side.) I’ve never liked the Thames. It looks . . . diseased.

  Alright, look, go back to your bosses and tell ’em this can be a . . . like a rolling thing, what do I mean, like a case-by-case basis, OK? (To Caernarfon.) You happy with that?

  Caernarfon smokes. Nods. Flicks his fag over the side.

  Merioneth Alright, there you are. Alright? (Offers his hand.) New for you this, is it?

  Cocks (beat; takes his hand and shakes) It’s – new for everyone.

  Merioneth Remember. Authority is an abstract. If you convince people you have it, then you have it. OK?

  They exit, leaving Cocks alone. He stares out, finishing his fag. He goes to flick it in the river, but doesn’t. Drops it to the floor and gently puts it out with his foot.

  Speaker The Member for Western Isles!

  The Tea Room.

  Western Isles as before, now with Weatherill.

  Weatherill No doubt their lot will be trying to woo you as well, but for our part –

  Western Isles They already have. Got here first.

  Weatherill They . . . ? Ah. I see.

  Western Isles Jack, you know I respect you, everyone respects you, it’s nothing personal. We’re not walking down the aisle with them but we’re not leaving in the middle of the ceremony either. Not yet anyway. I’m sorry.

  Speaker The Member for Roxburgh, Selkirk and Peebles!

  The St Mary’s Undercroft Crypt.

  Taylor and Peebles, sitting with his head in his hands.

  Taylor I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt your – I didn’t know you were praying –

  Peebles I’m not praying, I’m thinking.

  Taylor It’s a bit creepy down here, isn’t it?

  Peebles We all need somewhere to go . . .

  You know this chapel is over 450 years old. I find clarity in the dignified silence of old things. Centuries’ worth of human endeavour helps put one’s own troubles into a kind of context. I find. (Beat. He stands.) So, Miss Taylor –

  Taylor Mrs.

  Peebles Let us be clear. We won’t be advising our members to do anything but uphold the principals of the Liberal Party. If they happen to coalesce with yours, then fine and dandy.

  Taylor If the Tories call a Vote of No Confidence, would you support it?

  Peebles Well. We don’t currently not have confidence in you.

  Taylor Spoken like a true politician.

  Peebles How would you know, you’ve barely been one for a day? Can I give you a bit of advice? The observations of a third party in a two-party system? A Conservative government always eventually falls because they believe themselves entitled to power. And Labour governments always fall . . . because they don’t. Just a thought.

  Speaker The Members for Merioneth and Caernarfon!

  The River Terrace, again.

  Weatherill with the Welsh Members.

  Weatherill Look, I know traditionally our parties are at opposite ends of the spectrum but –

  Merioneth Labour would give us and the Scots devolution, come on.

  Weatherill Help us bring them
down and you’d get an election. Swell your ranks a bit.

  Merioneth Nah. Too risky. Sorry, Jack.

  He pats his arm, and leaves. Weatherill alone on the terrace.

  Government Whips’ Office.

  Cocks at a desk, a portable recorder playing a tape. Mellish, Harper and Taylor listening.

  Walsall North (off, recorded) ‘I’m floating on my back down the Thames. Underneath . . . what? Lambeth I suppose. Lambeth Bridge . . . And then I . . . ’

  Harrison (entering) I got Blyth with us tonight, Independent.

  Mellish Shh. Listen.

  Walsall North (recorded) ‘ . . . I turn my head. And I see that . . . that the Houses of Parliament are on fire. And suddenly the Thames turns to . . . it turns into blood. Like oil in the darkness.’

  Harrison Who the bloody hell’s that?

  Cock Walsall North. A tape, someone left for us. Anonymous.

  Walsall North (recorded) ‘ . . . and then I see the bodies. Hundreds of them. I recognise them. MPs. They’re flowing out of a hole in the palace. Face down in the blood . . . ’

  Cocks What is it, some kind of therapy session. What?

  Mellish (presses stop on the tape) Shit. What’s his history? Walsall North, he’s . . . ?

  Harrison Businessman. Investments. Married, three kids –

  Mellish Oh yeah, yeah, Postmaster General in the last . . . and loyal, right? Far as we know.

  Taylor (with a file) His last question in the house was about drowning statistics.

  Harrison We need to contain this, don’t want to be losing bloody seats ’cause of nutters.

  Mellish Cocks, you call him in.

  Cocks Me?

  Mellish Ann, go round his missus, have a cup of tea. And his assistant too, uh, ‘Sheila’ – and don’t shoot me a look, alright? It’s not ’cause you a woman, you’re just the – nicest.

  Taylor (phone rings) Yes, Chief. (She answers.) Ann Taylor.

  Harrison (at blackboard) Right, tonight’s big one, Social Security, it’s tight, only a couple in it.

  Mellish (clapping his hands) Keep at it, all of you, come on. Right, pairing. / Joe, you ready?

  Cocks (on his phone) John. It’s Michael Cocks. Could you pop down . . . ?

  Taylor Alright, thank you. (Putting her phone down.)

  Mellish Ann, time to see some pairing in action, we’ve got one off sick, Batley, and a minister away. Joe, it’s your time to shine –

  Everyone except Cocks exits into –

  The Lobby. Government Whips one side, Opposition the other. Warming up their men . . .

  Mellish Alright, Joe, remember, if we don’t cancel out our absentees, we’re down by two.

  Weatherill (with Silvester) Right, we’ve got two of our chaps struggling to be here, but I’ve done this job, alright, I know the form. Let them show their hand first, act like it’s no bother to you whether you find a pair or not. Right?

  Silvester Right. (Marching forward.)

  Harrison (also marching forward, calling so the other side hears) And in the red corner, Joe ‘Hard Man’ Harper.

  Harper gives a thumbs-up back to them. Silvester looks back to his team, expectantly.

  Atkins . . . Uh, and in the Blue . . . I can’t, I’m sorry.

  Silvester (with his book) Alright, Harper. Let’s get this over with.

  Harper (with his) Yes, well, as you know the Foreign Secretary is at the summit, and so courtesy dictates you take one of your boys out when a minister is away.

  Silvester That’s of course fine, we’ll send one of our boys home.

  Harper And then another pair. For Batley. I’ll at home. Any of your boys needing to slip away?

  Silvester (looks over his shoulder) Well. Poor Batley. Fine, we’ll pair him too. And may the best men win.

  Speaker The Member for Walsall North!

  Government Whips’ Office.

  Walsall North, distracted and contemplative, is being shown in by Cocks.

  Cocks John. Come in. Take a seat. Not too far, though. Ah-ha?

  Walsall North Not too . . . ?

  Cocks The seat. Don’t take it too . . . because we need it – doesn’t – would you like a drink or anything, drop of the old – or . . . ?

  Walsall North Uh, no. No thank you. (Beat. Realises he’s not sitting. Sits.)

  Cocks (sits) So how – You know. Are you?

  Walsall North . . . I’m . . . (Clears his throat.) I’m fine. Thank you. (Beat.) And how are you?

  Cocks Oh, you know. Yes, no yeah. Business alright, all your different . . . businesses?

  Walsall North My . . . They’re, wh – has, why, has. Has someone . . .

  Cocks No. No, I’m just asking. We’ve got you chalked down for the vote, right?

  Walsall North Such an odd feeling, isn’t it? I mean what are we now, getting on to ten – may very well be here till, what, one, one-two? Making the laws of the land, while the land we’re doing it for is dark outside, popped off to bed. Unaware. Just silence. Bar the sound of the river.

  Cocks Ignorance is bliss, eh? All that.

  Walsall North ‘Ignorance is . . . ’ Yes that’s . . . Very . . .

  Ever wonder why they built this on the river? Sort of does give that appearance of floating, doesn’t it? Like an ark. To ‘save us all, when the flood comes’ . . .

  People often say that the sea makes them sad, but it’s not the sea, is it? It’s the beach. When you’re out at sea, it’s actually extraordinarily peaceful, but on the beach, looking out at the sea . . . one can’t help but suddenly feel so . . . erm . . . mortal. So aware that one has only a self-contained amount of time. Course you know why, don’t you? It’s because the sound of the tide is the sound of breathing. Sucking air in . . . and pushing it back out. That’s what we’re listening to, as we stand on the edge of the world, having come as far as we can go. We’re listening to our own mortality. Ebbing away. The saddest sound in the world.

  Cocks . . . You ever been to Blackpool beach? They have the illuminations, along the sea front. The golden mile. It doesn’t have that, that . . . lonely feeling. Donkey rides as well.

  Walsall North Really? Donkey rides?

  Cocks For children. Yeah. Just going back and forth –

  Walsall North Back and forth?

  Cocks Yeah, the . . . donkeys. Along the beach.

  Walsall Donkeys. Back and forth, along the beach . . .

  Cocks (pause; stands; offers his hand) Well. Cheers, John.

  Walsall North looks at Cocks’s hand for a moment before shaking it.

  Speaker The Member for Ilford North!

  Ilford North I’m just not sure it’s in the interest of my constituents. Perhaps if I had . . . oh, I don’t know, a nice easy chair in my office, that might make me feel more . . . ‘comfortable’?

  Harper An easy chair?! (Sighs, writes it down.) Right, easy chair.

  Speaker Member for Thurrock?!

  Taylor So that’s one new carpet and we’ll see about a place on the Science Committee. Deal?

  Speaker Member for Coventry North West!

  Harrison (pulling him in, close) Maurice, you voting?!

  Coventry North West (scared) Yes.

  Harrison Good.

  Speaker The Question is, that the Social Security Amendment Bill be now read a second time. As many as are of that oppinion say ‘aye’.

  Members Aye!

  Speaker To the contrary ‘no’.

  Members No!

  Speaker Division! Clear the Lobbies! Lock the doors!

  The Division Bell rings.

  In the chamber: the Members begin filing off the benches, entering the ‘aye’ or the ‘no’ lobby to vote. Harrison is on the ‘aye’ side, waving and cajoling his Labour Members through; on the ‘no’ side,

  Weatherill is doing the same.

  The Speaker stands in the Chamber.

  Spe
aker Ayes to the right, 282. Noes to the left, 280. The ayes have it!

  The Westminster Clock Tower.

  Cocks staring out. Audio snippets of the October 1974 General Election play out. The Labour Party gains 18 seats to win a tiny majority in the House of three. Labour 319 seats, the Tories 276.

  The music reaches its climax and ends.

  Scene Three

  Members’ Lobby.

  Harrison spills out from a celebration in the Government Whips’ Office, holding a drink, catching Weatherill heading to his Opposition side.

  Harrison Oh, Jack, I’m glad I caught you. Listen, I wanted some new curtains for our office, you couldn’t stitch me up a pair could you? Maybe some doilies and a little cushion?

  Weatherill You know they say humour is often a way of masking deep insecurities, Walter.

  Harrison Oh is that what they say, oh right. Insecurities? Us lot? We’ve just gained a majority in the house, mate, home and dry.

  Weatherill Home and dry, with a majority of three? What of heavy traffic, what of children’s violin recitals, what of births and deaths and twisting your ankle? Three MPs can disappear from a vote like that. You may as well be hung –

  Harrison I bet we’re in for the full five years.

  Weatherill (laughs; stops; beat) You’re not serious?

  Harrison Tenner says I’m right.

  Weatherill . . . Very well. Five years. (Shakes his hand.) Easiest money I ever made.

  Speaker The Member for Bromsgrove and Redditch! Opposition Whips’ Office –’319 v. 316’ on the board.

  Atkins looks at the board. Silvester stands with Redditch ‘rehearsing’ as Weatherill enters.

  Atkins Arse. Sorry.

  Weatherill That’s alright, Chief, emotions running high and all that.

  Silvester (to Redditch) Calm, Hal. Better to go slow and not trip up, than fast and wobbly.

  Weatherill Maiden speech, is it? You’ll be fine.

  Redditch (nervously crumpling his speech) Alright for you lot. As Whips you’re banned from speaking in the House, aren’t you?

  Atkins From speaking anywhere, old boy; we don’t exist. You won’t hear our names called.

  Redditch Christ, I hadn’t even expected to be here. I was only standing in Redditch ’cause I was told it was a no-hoper. They bloody well lied. Needles everywhere, you know that? Half the world’s needles, made in sodding . . .