James Graham Plays 2

by James Graham

  Taylor leaves. Harrison takes another glass and pours in a whisky. His hand shakes as he downs it, spilling some. He places it down, wipes his mouth and exits into:

  Westminster Hall. Weatherill is pacing through, Harrison catches him up.

  Weatherill Look, forget it, Walter, there’s nothing I can do!

  Harrison I just want to talk about this – ! Would you hold on a second! Christ, it’s nothing that you wouldn’t do or haven’t done –

  Weatherill (stops, turning) That I would do?! You cheated. Walter. I don’t care about the technical ‘this and that’. You bloody cheated. (Beat, studying him.) Hah . . . my God, look at you. You’re actually scared. ‘Walter Harrison’. We’ve got you, haven’t we . . . ?

  Harrison It is a centuries’ old system, you can’t just stop pairing, you don’t have the right –

  Weatherill Oh ‘centuries’ old’, ‘thousand years old’, ‘you can’t do this’, ‘must do that’. (Sighs. Looks up. Around.) Westminster Hall. Oldest part of Parliament. The stuff those rafters have seen, eh?

  Right over there? It’s where they set up the trial for the execution of Charles I. God’s ‘representative’ on Earth. God. ‘For thine is the Kingdom, the power and the glory . . . ’

  But we said from now on . . . we would rule ourselves. And off went his head . . .

  ‘We can do it better,’ they said. Hah. Well, sometimes . . . I’m sorry, Walter. No more cooperation, the Usual Channels are closed. And No More Pairing.

  Harrison Jack –

  Weatherill No, Walter! That’s it! You want help with your sick and your dying, forget it. You’ll have to get them into the lobby your bloody self from now on. And the Best of British to you.

  The chimes of Big Ben sound. Harrison looks up, towards them . . .

  The Westminster Clock Tower.

  Cocks stands looking through the panels of the Clock. The bells sound around him, the hands moving around the face. Suddenly, the bells stop, and the hands slow to a clunking stop.

  Beat. Cocks looks up at them . . .

  Blackout.

  Act Two

  Scene One

  In the Commons’ Chamber.

  A new Speaker replaces the old one in the chair – who returns now to the Members’ Chorus.

  Speaker Order. ORDER! We are now in session.

  The Westminster Clock Tower.

  Cocks with the Clockmaker. The giant clock face is under repair, the hands stationary.

  Cocks Come on, you must have an idea. How long we talking?

  Clockmaker Well, it’s never happened before has it? As far as we know, there aren’t even any drawings or plans to fix the bloody thing.

  Cocks What was it?

  Clockmaker The speed regulator. Torsional fatigue, been going for over a hundred years, gave up the ghost. Be summer, earliest,

  I reckon.

  Cocks Sum – ! Oh, please tell me it’ll be up and running for the Jubilee.

  Clockmaker It’s a clock, Mr Cocks. They break. What’s it matter?

  Cocks What’s it . . . ?! Ha ha, yes, no you’re right, not important, eh, it’s not a, a, symbol of anything, doesn’t mean anything, only carried on ticking through all the bloody, all the great wars, the biggest crises, any time our backs were against the wall, oh yeah. And you’re telling me now for no reason it’s just stopped ?

  Clockmaker It’ll just take time, Mr Cocks.

  Cocks Ha. Right. Yes. (Looking at the face.) The one thing we no longer have.

  Speaker The Member for Batley and Morley!

  Government Whips’ Office. Batley and Lady Batley arrive with Harrison, bringing with them a portable oxygen tank.

  Harrison I’m sorry it’s come to this. But they aren’t pairing still, so I’m afraid it’s all members, all the time, no exception.

  Lady Batley (applying his mask) Oh you’re preaching to the converted here, Walter. He’d crawl through the lobby dead if he had to. I’m the one trying to hold him back.

  Harrison We’ve turned the Member for Greenock’s office into a makeshift bedroom for you, yours was too tiny.

  Batley Oh God, what a pain in the – hate being such an awkward bugger –

  Harrison Oi, he didn’t mind swapping, it’s no bother.

  Lady Batley Well at least we don’t have to worry about toing and froing for a while, eh? Gosh, kipping in the House of Commons. We’ll make it cosy, eh? Though no funny business, Doctor Broughton.

  She touches his face, softly. A moment between them.

  Harrison Alright, Burton and Taylor, knock it off. (Gathering their things.) First bill tonight is about 10.15.

  Harper Doc, you won’t even have to walk into the lobby, as long as you’re in the grounds, I’ll come up with one of the aristotwats to ‘nod you through’.

  Lady Batley (on the way out) Eh, this Big Ben business is causing a bit of a ding-dong, isn’t it? Ooh, hah. ‘Ding-dong’. (Laughs.)

  Batley Ooh, don’t make me laugh. (Coughing. Air.) Dear me.

  Harrison Nah, press are having a right old time with it, good distraction if you ask me.

  Batley Radio . . . (Air.) Radio Four not quite the same, though, all pips and no bongs.

  Harrison Oi, don’t try and fool anyone you listen to Radio Four, Doc.

  Batley Oi, where . . . (Gasps of air.) Where do we order room service?

  Harrison Up my bloody arse.

  They exit with Harper as Cocks enters.

  Cocks Right, Defence Secretary, the member for Mansfield, he’s stuck in Ireland and the next flight isn’t for over an hour so I’ve spoken to the PM, the RAF will lay on a jet.

  Taylor (phone down) No, Hunter Jet’s off, but the RAF can strap on an extra fuel tank to a helicopter at the base fourteen miles from the minister, that might get him here, just.

  Cocks Ann, get on the phone to the Ulster constabulary, I want all the traffic lights fixed in his favour to get him to the base, no reds, all green.

  Harrison (looking at his watch) It’s gonna be close, and them lot over there won’t be happy.

  Cocks Tough. Every vote counts.

  Harrison Every vote counts.

  Members’ Lobby. Harrison bumps into Weatherill.

  Harrison Oh, evening, Mr Weatherill, alright your end is it, all OK? We’ll have every single one of ours in once again, tonight.

  Weatherill By hook or by crook, I take it.

  Harrison Proved we can though, eh? Against the odds.

  Weatherill Pride commeth before the fall, Walter.

  Harrison And fifty nicker commeth my way, presently. Three years down, mate, two to go.

  Speaker The Member for Liverpool Edge Hill!

  Government Whips’ Office. Hive of activity, Cocks, Harrison, Taylor and Harper sitting, Liverpool Edge Hill down and helping him staunch a minor blood flow through his shirt.

  Harper You’ll be fine, don’t you worry. ’Ere, sit.

  Liverpool Edge Hill I know, it ju – ow, it just stings a bit.

  Cocks We really appreciate it, obviously, this won’t be forgotten.

  Liverpool Edge Hill The doctor really did think I should have stayed another night, you know, Michael. I mean, removing an appendix, it’s not like taking your shoes off –

  Speaker The Member for Welwyn and Hatfield!

  Welwyn and Hatfield enters, holding a baby, crying loudly, followed by the Serjeant at Arms. The lobby buzzing outside.

  Serjeant Chief Whip, we have a bit of a problem.

  Welwyn and Hatfield No, there’s no problem. Michael? –

  Harrison Oi, oi, oi, Helene please, what the bloody hell, bringing / a crying baby in here.

  Serjeant I’m afraid we’ve had a complaint.

  Taylor Complaint? Who from, what?

  Welwyn and Hatfield Shush, / it’s alright, Freddie, there there.

  Serjeant The Honourable Member, here, was seen engaging in .
. . in – / she was reportedly –

  Welwyn and Hatfield Oh for God’s sake, just say it, half the country have them. Breasts!

  Serjeant . . . breast-feeding in the Lady Members’ Room, to the consternation of other female Members who observed the said event taking place –

  Taylor Well, it’s alright, flippin’ ’eck, just do it in here.

  Harper Here?! Get your . . . in the / Whips’ Office?

  Serjeant It is against Palace rules to allow, you know, to ‘expose’ oneself in, in –

  Welwyn and Hatfield Oh, for the love of –

  Taylor Michael?

  Michael Yeah, just –

  Serjeant – in that manner, and to permit non-members into the Chamber during a sitting. And that baby is not a member!

  Welwyn and Hatfield Oh but please, he’s got such good grasp of fiscal policy.

  Serjeant This is, it, look, no other mother has ever had recourse to bring her child, a, a baby / into Parliament, so I don’t –

  Welwyn and Hatfield Well, I’m doing it now, sod it, sod it! Michael, if you can’t slip me out as a pair then I’m slipping these out as a pair; here and now, there’s no choice. You tell me what else I’m meant to do, eh? Barely a week out of hospital, and –

  Serjeant I will have to report this to the Commons Services Committee.

  Welwyn and Hatfield So bloody well report me, do it.

  I mean it, Michael. Walter. I need to attend to my baby, so am I staying and doing my job, or am I going home?

  Serjeant I’m going to have to go and tell them something.

  Cocks Serjeant.

  Serjeant What?

  Cocks Tell ’em she’s getting her tits out in here and they can all fuck off.

  Beat. Serjeant frowns. Exits in a crap huff.

  Welwyn and Hatfield (beginning to undo blouse) . . . Thank you.

  Taylor Blimey, you lot. Babies in the Whips’ Office now, talk about sacred cows.

  Cocks Ay, well, once the first hole appears in the dam . . .

  Harrison (surveying the scene) Jesus, would you look at it; Whips’ Office has turned into a casualty come daycare centre. You alright there, Arthur?

  Liverpool Edge Hill is staring at Welwyn and Hatfield breastfeeding.

  Cocks / Harrison Arthur.

  Liverpool Edge Hill Hmm? Oh no, yes, it’s fine, nothing to, erm . . .

  Taylor Might get a blue plaque, Helene. ‘Welwyn and Hatfield, at this spot. First to breast-feed in Westminster.’

  Welwyn and Hatfield I don’t want a plaque, I don’t want anything I’m not . . . I’m not a flippin’ martyr, I’m not flying any flags. I don’t want to be here, I want to be at home –

  Cocks I know, Helene, I’m sorry, we’re trying, they’re not budging, they’re –

  Welwyn and Hatfield Well, something has to give, there’ll have to be system, a place where –

  Cocks You’re right. We’ll sort something.

  Taylor Bloody hell, you can turn around, Joe! It’s only nature, you’re a father yourself!

  Harper Yes, but I didn’t do that bit, did I?!

  Cocks Joe, it’s quarter to ten, go get the nodding-through done with the aristo-twats. Ann, help Arthur into the Chamber. Walter, get flushing.

  Speaker The member for St Helens!

  New Palace Yard. St Helens is wheeled in by a Paramedic to Harper and Silvester.

  Harper Ah, there he is, Fred, see. The member for St Helens in the Palace grounds. (Taps Silvester’s notebook.) You have to nod him through.

  Paramedic Our staff are not best pleased about this, gents. To put it mildly.

  Silvester Well, hold on, I don’t mean to be . . . but . . . (Waving his hand.) ‘Hello’? Is he even alive?

  Harper Doesn’t matter, Fred, there’s the bell, and he’s here. ‘And Nobody Dies in the Palace of Westminster’. Ha ha. (Looks up; the sound of an approaching helicopter.) He’s made it . . .

  Silvester What? No, I don’t believe it.

  Harper Mansfield. He’s here. He’s bloody well made it . . . ! (They run off.) He’s here!

  Toilets.

  Speaker The Member for Batley and Morley!

  Harrison bounds in and looks under the cubicle door – two feet dangle under one. He enters the cubicle next door and stands on the lid, peering in. Beat.

  Harrison Doc? (Beat. Scrambles down.) DOC! Hold on, don’t worry . . .

  Harrison takes out his screwdriver, working at the hinges. He gets the door loose and lifts it off. Batley inside, is sitting on the toilet looking weak. Harrison hoists him up.

  Harrison Doc?! What you doing, where’s the missus? Just hold on, we’ll get you to hospital.

  Batley No, the . . . lobby. Get me to the lobby.

  Harrison Don’t be daft, man! Fuck it, and you’ve been nodded through, haven’t you?

  Batley No, I’ve . . . been in here, they . . . they di –

  Harrison Forget it, we’re going to the hospital –

  Batley (finding the strength to shout) Just get me into that bastard lobby!

  Chamber.

  Speaker The Question is, that the Dock Work Regulation Bill be now read a second time!

  Atkins Bit thin on the ground your side, wouldn’t you say Michael? Looks like this one’s ours.

  The Speaker announces the various Labour members who enter, or are helped into, the Chamber, to cheers from the Government benches and consternation from the Opposition.

  Speaker The member for Liverpool Edge Hill . . . The member for Welwyn and Hatfield . . .

  The member for Batley and Morley . . . The member for Mansfield!

  A vote takes place.

  Speaker Ayes to the right . . . 310. Noes to the left . . . 308! The Ayes have it. The Ayes have it!

  Harper Whey-hey, turns out Belfast is actually just north of Watford.

  Weatherill Using the resources of the armed forces? For party political reasons?

  Taylor Oi, he’s preserving his elected right to vote on legislation.

  Government Whips’ Office.

  Cocks, Harrison, Taylor and Harper clinking drinks (Cocks on water).

  Harrison Whey! Well then. (Drink). ‘Nuther day, eh? Not drinking, Chief?

  Cocks . . . Uh no, ta, Walter.

  Harrison (drinks) Right. I’ll just go and tuck the Doc in. (Noticing . . . ) Oh. Ann. (Picks an eyelash from her cheek.) Eyelash. Make a wish.

  She smiles and closes her eyes, blowing the lash from Harrison’s finger.

  Harrison exits into the other office. Cocks heads out with letters.

  Taylor and Harper . . .

  Taylor Joe, while we’ve got a sec. It’s a bit, it’s slightly awkward.

  Harper Oh yeah.

  Taylor I’m in receipt of some information about a member and I don’t know what to do.

  Harper Which member?

  Taylor You. Joe (Beat.) Medical. Heard you’ve cancelled an operation twice now, a big one.

  Harper How did . . . ? It’s nowt, Ann, don’t worry. Nowt serious, it’s more important I’m here –

  Taylor You’re allowed to be sick, you know –

  Harper Oi, 100 per cent voting record me, every time that bell rings, I’ve been in, and will be in.

  Taylor You’ve nothing to prove, you know.

  Harper I know tha – Oi, bloody ’ell, what you say that for? I’m not . . . Look, just keep it to your –

  Cocks (re-entering) Come on, you pair, must have homes to go to.

  He gets to work at his desk. Harper grabs his coat, studying Taylor, and leaves.

  Cocks What did you wish for? Walter, just then.

  Taylor Promise you won’t laugh? . . . To be where you are one day. First woman Chief.

  Cocks Oh well, you’ve buggered it now, don’t come true if you say it aloud.

  Taylor (smiles, beat) Michael? Would you mind not apologising for
swearing around me. I know it’s a running joke, but I’m trying to fit in as one of the lads, and it, just . . . you know –

  Cocks Oh, look, Ann, I’m sorry, it’s not . . .

  Sighs. Stands, aware of Harrison next door.

  ’S just, I’m trying to, I’m trying to run a different kind of ship, and . . . and well, truth be told, I don’t want you to be like the lads, I want the lads to be more like you. We need to get more . . . It, look, this is the biggest fight any of us will have ever had, and it’s going to get harder. Our enemies are slick and strong and . . . it’s like the professionals versus the ‘lads from the comp’.

  Taylor Well, grammar school boy, you, weren’t you?

  Cocks You know what I mean. Come on, look at us. Walter? Left school, no qualifications, an electrician by trade. Joe, miner all his life. Me . . . well, me, I’m the dumbest of the lot. I just want us ready.

  Taylor We will be. We are.

  Taylor leaves. Beat. Harrison comes out the office, pouring himself another whisky.

  Harrison Right, that’s done. Ta, Chief. (Collapsing.) I. Am.

  Bollocksed.

  Cocks Walt? How . . . how did you find out about the election before anyone else? How do you find out about everything?

  Thorpe. Harold. Jim.

  Harrison Lots of ways. Many fingers, many pies –

  Cocks Name one. One pie.

  Long pause.

  Harrison The drivers. Ministers are stupid, once they’re in the back of a car with each other, reckon they’re in an airtight vacuum, well, they’re not. One thing drivers like more than an earwig is a gossip. Meet down the Anchor and Hope of a Sunday, I pop along.

  Cocks You sly old dog.

  Harrison Woof.

  Cocks Is the Doc OK? Any news?

  Harrison Yeah, he’ll . . . oh, I don’t know. He shouldn’t be here. A lot of them shouldn’t be here. It in’t fair.

  Cocks I know –

  Harrison They’re doing it ’cause they’re good men and they’re loyal, but we shouldn’t be having to ask ’em. I mean, I wanna keep going as much as anyone, more, but . . . how far do we go? Have to draw the line somewhere, Michael.

  Cocks Yeah, well, when we get there, we’ll draw it. But for now, we plough on. (Beat.) D’you ever think . . . I don’t know.

  Walsall North. All his talk about this place. It being like . . . you don’t think there were owt –