James Graham Plays 2

by James Graham

  Stephen Sorry . . . it, it has been quite . . .

  Claire Yeah, stressful. This year. I bet.

  Rumours are rife at the council, still. Anita’s job? If it was an actual democracy, and we all got a say, I know who’d be a shoe in. You deserve it, Stephen.

  Stephen . . .

  Claire Well. (going) See you tomorrow.

  Stephen Yeah. Bye Claire.

  She goes. Stephen goes over to the desk.

  Laura So . . . so that’s . . . that’s sort of it, isn’t it? Two yellow sweets. To cancel out the two red sweets. All’s equal, in the eyes of the . . . well, not the law –

  Stephen No. Not the law.

  Kirsty Look, I know, I get it and we can go over the whys and wherefores later but it’s over. Ok, it’s all balanced and done.

  Alan enters from outside.

  Alan Howard’s still trying to get through, bless him. Right, I know what you all need, the last leg. A nice cup of tea. Don’t worry, I know where it is. I’ll be mum. (Exits, into the back.)

  Kirsty Stephen, come on. Only twenty minutes to go.

  Stephen I’m just nipping out, Kirsty. Some air . . .

  Laura Stephen?

  Stephen I’m fine, really, just, I just need a moment . . .

  Stephen opens the door as Christine Metcalf arrives with her daughter Lola.

  Christine Oh God that smell, they all have it, don’t they. Schools. Cabbage and Dettol. (At them.) Hello, you look like you’ve had a long day.

  Kirsty (trying to cover) He-llo. Name and address, erm, please.

  Christine (together) Christine Lola Metcalf, 75 Wellington Road.

  Lola There’ll be two, we’re the same name and address.

  Christine Unimaginative, I know. People used to do that all the time, name their kids after themselves.

  Hanni enters. She wears a hijab and looks antsy, joining the queue.

  Kirsty Metcalf. There. Ah, there’s only one of you. That address.

  Lola Oh. Well, that’s a mistake.

  Kirsty You wouldn’t have registered as anything else? Married name, or –?

  Lola/Christine No.

  Hanni Excuse me, I don’t mean to . . . but is this going to take long?

  Christine Why, have you somewhere more important to be?

  Kirsty We won’t be a second, madam.

  Hanni I’ve got my card.

  Christine Oh a card, I didn’t realise that made you more important – Lola, let this woman through, she’s got a card.

  Lola Mum. (To her.) I’m sorry.

  Christine Don’t apologise on my behalf. (To Hanni.) I’m sorry. I get that you’re in a rush. We won’t be a second.

  Hanni OK.

  Christine I’m just out of hospital, my knee, I’m on some new pills.

  Lola She doesn’t need to know that, Mum.

  Christine (to Kirsty) That’s alright, isn’t it? Voting on medication? I’m not operating heavy machinery or anything –

  Kirsty That’s fine, only I can still only see one name.

  Laura Kirsty?

  Kirsty What, Laura?

  Laura (pointing to the register) It’s just I’ve just seen a ‘P’, there, by the name.

  Christine ‘P’, what does that mean?

  Kirsty (looking – laughing, embarrassed) Oh. Right, sorry; we had a little – thing, before you came in; crisis, it’s sent us all a bit – distracted – ‘p’ yes, ‘p’ means proxy. You – whichever one of you this is – you were registered for a proxy vote.

  Christine Proxy.

  Kirsty It means someone voting on your behalf –

  Christine Thank you, yes, I know that – oh, well that settles it then; it’s mine.

  Lola Oh, yeah, we signed my mother up for that, when she went in for an operation. We thought she might still be in today.

  Christine I didn’t want to do the postal thing; you hear stories. That’s alright though, isn’t it? That I’ve come in myself?

  Kirsty Yes that’s fine, the person can still come in on the day.

  Christine Well what about Lola, she should still have one.

  Kirsty Lola? I thought you said Christine –

  Christine Oh we’ve always just called her that, saves confusion. Though not today, apparently.

  Stephen has re-entered.

  Kirsty Stephen, these ladies, they have the same name, right, mother and daughter, but only one of them is listed on the register.

  Stephen Erm . . . And, and you definitely both registered? Individually?

  Christine Yes definitely, we always do.

  Stephen I could ring the office to check the database, after 9.30pm, we probably won’t get through, but let me, erm, try (leaving, with his phone).

  Laura (handing Christine her ballot paper) Here’s your paper, if you’d like to step over to the booth.

  Christine (taking it) Shall I do mine now?

  Lola Can’t you wait? For mine?

  Christine (to Hanni) Go on then, it’s all yours.

  Laura You’re welcome to wait.

  Hanni Thank you. I didn’t mean to – you know. (Hands in her card.)

  Lola (sitting) I’ve got Mars ice creams in here, the kids, they’ll be melting.

  Stephen (returning, on his phone) No, not getting through at the moment. (To Christine.) Do you want me to keep trying?

  Lola Is that alright?

  Christine You don’t have to keep answering for me, Lola, I looked after enough patients myself for forty years.

  Lola Jesus, bloody – inpatient, that’s what you are.

  Christine Oh that’s good, how long have you been thinking of that one?

  Hanni goes to the booth. Alan enters with a tray of teas.

  Alan Tea, soldiers, before we go over the top, for the final push. It’s the British way.

  Stephen (at the clock) Only 18 minutes to go . . .

  END OF PART III:

  Theatre Only 3

  Stephen dials again on his phone, and exits.

  Howard has re-entered, on the phone. He stands near Alan.

  Howard . . . so you can either call me back on this number –

  Kirsty Ooh, Howard, sorry, phone.

  Howard Just leaving a message, not a conversation, and I do have certain rights as an Observer, Kirsty, to be in touch with election officials –

  Kirsty Oh Christ, just leave the message.

  Howard Apologies Anita, as I was saying, you can either reach me on this number, which is Alan’s phone, and I’ve just given you mine, or if you haven’t got a pen you can call my home phone number and on the answer machine if you press one, it actually directs you straight to this phone. Not this phone sorry, just to say again, this is Alan’s phone, so that number on your screen now, that’s not mine –

  Alan Howard, I think she’ll get it.

  Howard – but it will direct you through to my phone, which I have with me on vibrate. Alright Anita, I look forward to speaking to you, hopefully before 10pm. Not much we can do after that, is there. OK bye, bye. (He hangs up.)

  Alan Honestly Howard, I really don’t think it will have affected your numbers.

  Howard (whispering, to Alan) I think it was me. Who cocked up the punctuation, on the form.

  Lola (to Kirsty) Daft question, but there’s not a fridge anywhere, is there, only I have ice creams?

  Voter 8 enters and crosses to the issuing desk.

  Kirsty Not that’s available for use, I’m afraid.

  Howard It was the wrong way round on some A4 posters I took to the printers. I had a bit of a go at them, too.

  Alan Well. Maybe just let it go, then? Ey?

  Christine We could have them.

  Lola No.

  Alan Tea?

  Howard (gives him tea) Thanks, Alan.

  I wonder if I’ve got that thing, where people struggle with words. />
  Alan Dyslexia.

  Howard No that’s where you’re always falling over things, isn’t it?

  Alan I think that’s dyspraxia.

  Howard Dysmorphia, that’s it.

  Alan Howard, it’s dyslexia.

  Howard We didn’t half have some slanging matches in those public forums over the years.

  Alan I’m not going to lie, Howard, I used to dread Monday night planning meetings.

  Howard Well I’ll say this. You make a decent cup of tea, Alan.

  Alan Thank you, Howard.

  Howard I think people are just quite happy to have a nice, easy drive to a supermarket.

  Alan Not that happy, clearly. It’s closing. The supermarket. Biscuit?

  Howard stares at Alan. Voter 8 votes and leaves.

  Part Four

  The polling station, 9.45pm.

  Lola with Christine. Alan and Howard loitering. Hanni comes out of the booth and back to the desk, interrupting Kirsty and Laura.

  Hanni Hello, hi, I’m sorry, I’ve – I made a mistake, I’ve put a cross next to the wrong one (she rips the ballot paper in half).

  Kirsty Ok, you . . .

  Hanni Do you only get one go?

  Kirsty Erm, no, you – but you’ll have to use a special ballot paper, wait.

  Kirsty gets a tendered ballot paper from the sundries table.

  Howard (eating a biscuit and sipping his tea, with Alan) Sometimes, I wonder. Imagine if I won. Imagine if my campaign worked. I don’t know what I’d do, then.

  Kirsty (to Hanni) You’ll have to bring that back to us when you’re done.

  Howard I’ve got absolutely no idea . . .

  Hanni (taking her new paper) Thanks. Try and get it right this time. (Goes back.)

  Howard One good thing about a one-way system I suppose, is that it never stops. It just goes round and round. You can stay on it forever. Like the yellow brick road.

  Alan (beat) The yellow brick road isn’t a one-way system.

  Howard Nothing at the end of it though, is there?

  Alan Yeah. It, it leads to Oz. That . . . that’s the whole point.

  Howard Oh. I’ve never watched it. (He drops his biscuit into his tea.)

  Stephen enters, hanging up the phone. Christine and Lola stand as he approaches.

  Stephen Well the good news is someone at the local office picked up, but the bad news is you’re not on the database, so I’m sorry, there’s not a lot we can do.

  Voter 9 enters and crosses to the issuing desk. Stephen exits.

  Christine (to Lola) Oh look, let me just vote and we’ll kick up a stink tomorrow.

  Lola Yeah, so OK look . . . I think I might have forgotten. I think I might have forgotten to register me after I did you on the poxy proxy thing.

  Christine And you were blaming them?! Lola.

  Lola If you recall, mother, it was –

  Voter 9 takes ballot and heads to booth #2.

  Christine ‘Mother’, oh Christ, she’s calling me ‘mother’, which means it’s bound to be my fault.

  Lola It was a pretty busy time, that’s all, running you back and forth –

  Christine And I’m really grateful. You know that. Anyway, that clears that up.

  Christine moves towards the booth and Lola follows.

  Lola Hang on – no, that doesn’t clear anything up, can we just talk about this?

  Stephen Ladies, if you’re going to debate this, can I ask you to move away from the other voters. (Ushering them away from the voting booths.) Thank you . . . Thank you . . . Thank you.

  Stephen takes Christine and Lola to sit down. Alia returns with two more Voters – Voter 10 and Terri Fletcher.

  Stephen I want to start getting the accounts together. That box will be in the town hall by 11.

  Alia Me again!

  Stephen (warning) Alia . . . (Exits.)

  Kirsty (at her watch) Oh Alia, for God’s –! Cutting it fine, aren’t you?

  Terri Terri Fletcher (handing in her card. Back at Alia) Can’t drop me off first can you, I don’t like leaving the kids?

  Voter 9 votes and exits.

  Alia We’ll go in order of closest, it won’t take long.

  Terri You knocked on my door, remember. I don’t know what makes you think I’m voting for your lot, neither.

  Alia Because you said!

  Terri Well people say a lot things, don’t they. Like politicians.

  Voter 10 is processed.

  Lola (to Christine) So? Who gets the vote then?

  Christine (beat) Which vote?

  Lola (pointing to the ballot paper in Christine’s hand) That vote. Our vote.

  Christine ‘Our vote’? This is my vote. You registered it for me.

  Lola I registered this for Christine Metcalf.

  Christine Yes, hello, speaking.

  Laura (taking the tendered ballot from Hanni) Ah, thank you.

  Terri is heading to the ballot box with the slip in her hand. She sees Hanni at the issuing desk.

  Terri Special treatment . . .

  (Voter 10 heads towards ballot box and drops ballot in box.)

  Hanni (to Terri) May I help you with something?

  Terri ‘May you help me?’ No, love. No, this is me helping myself. (Drops her ballot paper.) This is normal people, helping themselves.

  Hanni Sorry?

  Terri What, can’t you understand? Chop yer hand off for doing this in your country, don’t they?

  Kirsty What?

  Terri (To Kirsty.) Can I help you?

  Christine Actually, I don’t mean to butt in, but it’s ‘may’ I help you, she got it right, her English seems impeccable to me.

  Lola Mum.

  Alia (To Terri.) Alright, home time, let’s go.

  Alia exits with Terri and Voter 10.

  Laura (To Hanni.) It’s totally fine if you want to hang on here, for a minute.

  Hanni nods, gratefully, and sits down next to Christine and Lola.

  Kirsty (over to Lola and Christine) Ladies, if you’re going to vote then would you mind?

  Lola Yes, one minute –

  Hanni (to Christine) I appreciated that, thank you.

  Alastair Swift has returned, having had a couple more drinks. He crosses to the desk.

  Alastair Yeah, so I was, I was in earlier.

  Stephen reenters.

  Laura . . . Stephen?

  Alastair Copper said she bought back my thing, my, erm, my vote.

  Stephen Ok, sir. If you’ll just sit here for a moment, I’ll get my colleagues to check the paperwork. Laura? Kirsty?

  Alastair sits on the bench. Laura and Kirsty busy themselves ‘looking for the ballot’.

  Christine Let’s just call this what it is; you forgot to register because you didn’t care enough; if you’d cared enough you wouldn’t have forgotten; end of.

  Lola I didn’t used to care. I do now. Now that I can’t. Suddenly I actually really care.

  Christine Oh well that’s petty.

  Lola It’s not petty.

  Alastair (joining the conversation) What’s petty?

  Stephen No, sir –?

  Christine She wants my vote.

  Alastair (gasps.)

  Lola Fine, I’ve got a reason why I should have it. I only forgot to register myself because I was run ragged looking after you.

  Christine Nice try. It’s not like I turned up begging on your doorstep, it’s the other way round. You and the kids are with me.

  Alastair Boom. (To Lola.) Now, your go.

  Voter 11 enters and gets processed.

  Lola We’re paying rent, aren’t we?

  Alastai Oop, one-all.

  Christine I know you are! And I love having you. But you’re not getting my vote.

  Lola Do you think I’ll ever be able to afford your big house? Have your pension. That there’ll be e
nough money for me to get rebuilt from scratch on the NHS, whatever the party? Maybe that’s why I want a vote.

  Alastair She’s right, it’s your lot, you’ve screwed us, big time.

  Simon enters, jangling his keys.

  Simon Alright?

  Stephen OK, sir, I think you’ve had too much to drink –

  Alastair No, not too much, I’m just having a little sit down. (He sits down on the stack of small chairs.)

  Christine He’s fine, not doing any harm.

  Stephen Look, Ladies –

  Lola We’re in a stalemate, I’m afraid.

  Stephen You can’t debate in here.

  Simon (with the tea tray) Who brought this out? (Sighs. Gathers it up and exits.)

  Christine (to Lola) Wait a minute. You were trying to persuade me not to come, today. You knew you’d forgotten to register . . .

  Voter 11 posts ballot and exits.

  Lola I was just worried you weren’t up to coming in.

  Christine Excuse me, who’s the nurse and who’s the management?

  Lola Retired nurse, and hospitals need management.

  Laura Stephen . . .

  Alastair Have you found it? My thing. The – paper.

  Stephen Er . . . one second. Just, sit there – (moving back to the desk.)

  Simon (returning) She’s had it. She’s had it, it’s a boy. My first grandchild.

  Christine A grandchild? Congratulations!

  Lola (her phone is ringing) God, this is my kids. (Going.) Just wait one second. Don’t do anything. (She exits.)

  Laura Can’t we just – get him to leave?

  Howard with Simon.

  Howard Born on the day of the election. That’s something. History. Isn’t it?

  Simon Is it? . . . Yeah. S’pose.

  Alan (to Howard with his phone) Howard, text from Anita, she says she’s stuck in traffic and it might be after 10 that she gets here.

  Howard Oh! The one-way system does thwart me again . . . Irony after irony.

  Alastair (standing) Look, I just want my paper, where’s my paper?

  Kirsty We . . . we don’t have it. You took it.

  Alastair The copper brought it back, she said.

  Kirsty There’s no record of that.

  Alastair Oh, what? I don’t believe this, what?!

  Alan Is there a problem?

  Alastair They’re not giving me my vote.

  Kirsty We don’t have his vote, he took his vote.

  Alastair You’re . . . you’re lying. You’re a liar.