3. Decide that comfortable isn’t the goal. We often want to be “more confident” just so we’ll feel more comfortable. We don’t want to feel nervous. It’s natural to want to avoid the negative psychological and physiological effects of nervousness. But “comfortable” can be at odds with your goals. If your goal is to increase your contribution, you’re continually going to be stepping out of your comfort zone. That feeling of unease is perhaps not a sign that you’re “not good enough” or “not cutting it,” but rather that you’ve chosen to be courageous and venture into new territories. That you’ve put your hand up for responsibilities and opportunities that stretch you. In this book, we will discuss ways to manage nerves and negative self-talk, but to start, consider reframing the labels you’ve given to the psychophysiological response to challenging situations. “I’m nervous” becomes “This is the stretch that comes with a growing opportunity.” “I don’t want to” becomes a reminder: “I choose to.” For some professionals, feeling too comfortable for too long can actually be a sign that they’re not moving forward and making the potential impact that they could. Professionals with high levels of authentic gravitas have clear convictions about what matters. They have convictions about their desired footprint, and they seek to align their impact with their intention. Researchers conducted two studies with over one hundred full-time workers and 475 managers at the executive level. They found that behavioral integrity (the perceived patterns of alignment between one’s words and deeds) had a direct effect on behavioral courage.21 Choose conviction before comfort, and it will fuel your courage.
4. Make plans to grow your confidence with courage. Instead of that defeating self-talk of “I’m not confident,” ask yourself, What would give me more confidence? Is it being more informed about your industry? Make specific plans to grow your knowledge. Is it having more experience like others around you? Be intentional with how you can broaden and expand your expertise. Is it nervousness about public speaking? We’ll address this in greater detail later in the book, but you could look into courses or for small-step opportunities to expand your skills and expertise. And if you’re not sure how to grow your confidence, think about the situations in which you feel least confident and why you feel that way. They’ll guide you toward possible actions to grow your confidence. Don’t focus on not having enough confidence; focus on what you can courageously and practically do to build it.
People with gravitas appear to others to have confidence. But that does not mean they consistently feel confident across all aspects of their professional life. Some even experience imposter syndrome. Despite being high-achievers, they experience intense feelings of intellectual phoniness and doubt their own abilities, which they believe to be overestimated by others.22
There are many people who are highly regarded by others but who must daily choose—and need—to encourage themselves with their own personal pep talk: It’s okay. You’ve got this. You can do it. You don’t need to wait to feel confident to increase your gravitas. Clarify your convictions—what matters and why—and be intentional about how you want to show up and the impact you want to have. Make choices toward operating out of your strengths (we’ll look more at this later). Don’t worry as much about confidence, and instead choose the courage to step into new opportunities, take on new responsibilities, speak up, learn new things, and try new ways of interacting. As you do, you’ll likely see your confidence grow on the journey with you, because confidence is often an outcome of, not a prerequisite for, positive impact.
DOUBTING YOUR OWN CREDIBILITY: “I’M TOO X. I’M NOT Y ENOUGH.”
We can incorrectly believe that we don’t deserve authentic gravitas. That not being “that person” is justified. Most people are all too familiar with their own perceived inadequacies, failings, and lack. Whether it’s a quiet whisper or a loud, resounding sound, negative self-talk is powerful (we’ll look at this in detail in chapter 6). The credibility comments we say to ourselves are usually, “I’m too [insert your own]” or “I’m not [insert your own] enough.” Here we look at some common self-perceived credibility barriers and suggestions for how to reframe or tackle them.
When Your Knowledge Isn’t Sufficient: “I Need to Be an Expert”
Here’s the thing about authentic gravitas: it is not just what you know, but also how you use that knowledge, combined with your interest to know and understand more, that counts. My research highlighted that people regarded as having a great deal of gravitas had the ability to offer clarity and insight, particularly in challenging or complex issues. But some of these people were not the most knowledgeable in the situation. They were, however, able to identify the crux of an issue by seeking and facilitating clarity, getting others to open up and explain a situation, and fueling greater shared understanding. They offered insights that were not only important but could also be understood and utilized by others because the people offering the insights were able to adapt their message delivery to their audience.
People can have a great deal of knowledge on a topic without having gravitas. They may be trusted and taken seriously and their ideas considered important, but they may not be respected. An interviewee shared their experience of a professional whose expertise was trusted but who was not personally respected. He was regarded as highly specialized in his field, but others felt he regularly failed to understand, or give due consideration to, the client’s point of view. This manager came across as fixed in his ideas and opinions and close-minded, and did not create an environment where others (colleagues or clients) felt heard or able to contribute. Knowledge is never a permission slip to be dogmatic.
Another person may have a strong foundation of knowledge but not be trusted. A coaching client of mine offered the example of a woman on a manufacturing management team whom colleagues regarded as experienced and knowledgeable, but who did not trust her underlying motives, often feeling she had a hidden agenda. Trust is about more than just a perception of another as being competent, or even having good intentions. Trust is the willingness of a person to be vulnerable to someone else, based on positive expectations about their motivation and behavior.23 If I trust you, I am prepared to be vulnerable with you. Knowledge aids, but is not sufficient for, authentic gravitas. If we are to truly build trust, a recognized sign of gravitas (“respected and trusted”), we create an environment where others feel willing to be vulnerable and courageous themselves.
People with a high degree of gravitas may seem confident in part because they appear aware of the potential value of their own contribution. But rather than being self-important, considering themselves above others, they in fact place value on others as well, creating conditions for them to engage and contribute. They are not threatened by intellectual competition or challenge, instead focusing on getting to the best outcome regardless of its source. As one interviewee described an executive, “He always makes the best insights of anyone in the room and everyone listens to him. But he manages to do this without making anyone else feel stupid. Somehow I always leave feeling good about myself!” While people with authentic gravitas act out of courage, not necessarily confidence, they do instill confidence in others. And while many have a strong knowledge of the topic or situation at hand, more important, they remain curious and committed to increasing their knowledge, and to facilitating an environment where the potential of collective knowledge is valued above individual expertise.
When It’s All Brand-New: “I’m Not Experienced Enough”
Knowledge certainly affects the extent to which someone is taken seriously. It can foster trust and respect. But as described in the situations above, it certainly is not a free pass to being trusted and respected. So is it a requirement at all? Often in my coaching experience, clients feel they are too young, inexperienced, or unknowledgeable to have gravitas. Equally, when professionals change fields or are promoted into more senior roles, they may be concerned about not having gravitas in their new “space.”
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nbsp; One client I have worked with for many years, Erin, had concerns when asked to join a senior board looking at business growth across the United States. Erin is a senior executive at one of the most influential American firms in her field. She is widely respected within her industry, and her clients and colleagues regard her as having a high degree of gravitas. She’s not, however, known outside her particular field, and her expertise is specialized. She described to me how other board members are “famous.” Erin listed their honors and contributions to wider business in the United States and in markets around the world. She felt she wasn’t enough. Her concern was that she would lack gravitas in this context, not making a noteworthy contribution and failing the person who’d recommended her for the position, whom she highly valued.
Here I saw firsthand how someone who has gravitas in one context still has to be intentional and courageous to have authentic gravitas in an expanding role when faced with new opportunities. I encouraged Erin to recognize that both her sponsor and her future board colleagues knew her background and expertise. She had not positioned herself, nor had others positioned her, beyond the reality of her knowledge base. Similarly, when a young graduate is invited for an interview, the prospective employer has seen a strong but honest CV and has found that the candidate already has enough of whatever it is they are looking for in terms of knowledge and expertise to be successful in the role. The decision-making is usually then about fit, style, commitment, and how the candidate outworks their expertise. But the invitation to the table suggests their foundation of knowledge is sufficient. Whatever Erin needed to bring to the table, she had. She didn’t need to pretend to be someone else, nor did anyone expect her to be. Erin’s sponsor did not simply value her knowledge of her particular industry. That was useful, but only to a small degree, given the context of wider business across the United States. It was not the reason for his recommendation. Erin’s sponsor shared with me that what he valued was Erin’s ability to connect well with other professionals and create an environment of trust and openness, combined with her ability to analyze and offer insights. None of those contributions require a body of knowledge about a certain topic. They do require interest, openness, and a commitment to learning. Gravitas in this context would not lie in posturing; it would emerge through Erin’s authenticity, as vulnerable as that might make her feel.
After her first meeting with the board, Erin told me with a relieved smile how well it had gone. To put it in the language of gravitas, she felt her insights were taken seriously and that her peers would trust and respect her. It is possible for people who are just starting out on their professional journey, who have left one field for another, or who have been propelled into a more influential position, just like Erin, to have gravitas. So while knowledge serves as a useful foundation, it is possible to have gravitas without being the most knowledgeable person in the room or without having the most experience. You can lead the room even when you’re the newest person in it. And while you can develop gravitas in your new position, position doesn’t determine your gravitas.
When You Don’t Have the Position: “I’m Not Senior Enough”
I sat in a meeting with twelve corporate executives, each responsible for the “people side” of their various companies, all global leaders in their respective fields, confidentially sharing their challenges and opportunities. It was an honor, as a guest speaker, to be invited into this closed-door conversation for three days. While I would never disclose their conversation, I can share one observation. People gravitated toward one man in particular. When Tom spoke, or even moved to suggest he was about to speak, the others paused and were attentive—with their silence and their body language. Yet they were all peers. He was not more senior in his organization, which was not more influential in its field, than any of the others represented that day. I watched them watch him, and wondered, What was it that made him stand out?
People who are regarded as having a high degree of gravitas take ownership and responsibility for moving an issue forward, regardless of their place in the hierarchy. Authentic gravitas does not require positional power or hierarchical authority. People in positions of power often do have high levels of authentic gravitas, but it is not a prerequisite. It is likely to influence your position in an organization, but your position doesn’t determine your ability to have a high degree of gravitas.
Tom didn’t have seniority over the people around him at the table. What he did have was humility and curiosity. Halfway through the first morning, Tom, who had built a successful career over more than twenty years, quietly shared, “We just haven’t been here before. Our business is in a world that hasn’t existed before—the potential is new and the challenges are new. And what I know is that I need to be different. I need to be better. I need to learn more from the people around me, both here in this room and at home in the field. Together, I’m certain we can work out a way forward in these uncharted waters.” It takes courage to recognize that there is more to know than what we know now, and it takes discipline to act on this despite the realities of our daily pressures. Professionals who are recognized for adding the greatest value are not complacent or arrogant. They don’t wait for a position to take ownership of driving value, and they don’t posture in a position to pretend they know it all. They demonstrate curiosity and humility, fueled by a belief that the potential of a project or business is greater than their existing skills and understanding can take them.
THREE COMMITMENTS
My research revealed three key commitments that professionals with gravitas make:
A commitment to COURAGE: courage over confidence
A commitment to CONNECTION: connection over charisma
A commitment to CURIOSITY: curiosity over certainty
Throughout this book, we’ll look at what it means to make these commitments. We’ve seen how people with authentic gravitas choose courage rather than feel confident. In the following chapters we’ll explore how to choose connection rather than worrying about being the most charismatic person in the room, and being prepared to be vulnerable enough to build mutual trust and genuine connection. We’ll also explore what it means to choose curiosity, having the humility to continually seek to learn and grow, understand and explore. This begins with looking at where we invest our energy.
Not Trying to Stand Out
We can spend countless hours secretly trying to determine how to stand out from the crowd. Despite our declarations of teamwork and collaboration, we can quickly find ourselves spending immeasurable time and energy differentiating ourselves from the people around us. Instead of focusing on how to stand out from the crowd, gravitas comes when we’re able to focus on the people in the crowd—those around us. Instead of trying to separate ourselves and stand apart, we connect and stand behind (supporting), stand beside (collaborating), and stand ahead with a guiding hand (leading). While someone displaying adverse gravitas can position him- or herself as a standalone superhero, authentic gravitas comes in moving toward people, not away from them. So ironically, the priority is to stop thinking about how to stand out. The truth is, the people who (positively) stand out are those who aren’t trying to. A focus on standing out can be self-defeating and unhelpful.
True gravitas has never been about seeking to stand out for the sake of it. Someone with gravitas has the skill to weave through the intricacies and complexities of their daily work, and draw out the factors that really make a difference in a situation. They draw out potential in others that enables those people to contribute more and have a positive impact. People with authentic gravitas do not only seek to be great themselves; they seek to inspire greatness in others and add great value to the situation. They stand out in the crowd because they can add value to and for the crowd. They can change the atmosphere if it needs to be changed and, even in situations of extreme pressure, bring ease and instill confidence in others.
THE TRUTH ABOUT GRAVITAS
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To sum up, here are the surprising truths about authentic gravitas:
It’s more about courage than it is about confidence. Courage precedes confidence.
It’s about leading—taking ownership and responsibility for a situation to help others achieve collective goals; it’s not about waiting for a position of leadership or a title.
It’s more about a commitment to developing the skills for connection than it is about natural style. It’s not something you’re born with and there’s no fixed personal characteristic requirement for gravitas.
It’s not about being stereotypically serious and self-important. It’s about being taken seriously and considered important—being valued—because you’re making a valuable contribution.
It’s as much about inquiry as it is about advocacy. It’s not being the loudest voice in the room that counts. It’s about clearly and persuasively explaining your thinking, offering insights, and not shying away from sharing your point of view. It’s about having conviction without being dogmatic. Equally, your understanding of the situation and others’ motivations and perspectives matters. Curiosity counts. The people who stand out in the crowd are those who move toward the crowd, not those who focus on standing apart from it.
It’s about integrity and credibility grounded in a commitment to learning and increasing knowledge, and how you use that knowledge; knowledge itself is not enough. Inspiring people live inspired.
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