ADVOCATE
I’ve done one experiment more than one hundred times over a ten-year period. I ask for two volunteers from the audience and then ask them to role-play a business meeting. They are instructed that they are managers in a Norwegian energy company and I’m a consultant visiting from the UK. I bombard one volunteer with information—facts about the “project,” my opinion of our working relationship, what value my company adds to their business, etc.—while the other volunteer waits in a separate room. There are between ten and twelve pieces of information. For each piece of information I communicate, I put a blank Post-it note on their arms, shoulders, or torso. As soon as I’ve shared my points, I immediately bring in the other person and ask the person with whom I just spoke to tell their colleague (who wasn’t present) what I said. They can never remember everything. Not one person, in over one hundred trials, across seniority and experience levels, ages, genders, roles, industries, and geographies, has been able to remember them all. The most anyone has remembered is three. These are not the three that are the most important, but the maximum is three. Many cannot remember one single thing I told them. Not one. Their peers, who have been watching, laugh. It’s funny to watch. A little humiliating, perhaps, for the person covered in Post-its who hasn’t been able to recall any significant part of this conversation (although typically, they are laughing, too, and any embarrassment is assuaged when I reveal that everyone has trouble remembering). But as funny as this is, the reality is that we do this regularly with clients, customers, colleagues, leaders, and stakeholders. In our attempts to persuade people of our point of view, we often bombard them with information. Our slide decks are packed with data and ideas, our proposals with a long list of reasons why this is the best option. And people just don’t remember. Sure, they can refer back to the notes or handouts we gave them, but what do you notice about people who have gravitas? You remember what they say.
We previously looked at the importance of having an opinion and being able to clearly and boldly articulate it. At this stage in our preparation (again, before you’ve started writing your content and thinking about what you’re going to say), clarify what you would like to advocate by asking yourself one question:
If nothing else, what would I like them to remember?
Pass It On
Consider the fact that you might want them to pass your message on. There are likely other stakeholders and decision-makers who won’t be present to hear you. Considering the people who will hear you, what would you like them to pass on to someone who wasn’t in the room? What would you ideally want them to remember years later about their encounter with you? Write down three messages. It’s important to note that these “sticky messages” are not agenda points—they are messages. So rather than, “I’m going to talk to you about the reporting process, the team, and IT,” you may position your advocacy points as, “I’d like to share with you changes we propose, including a more structured reporting process, an increased number of senior staff on your client team, and more tailored IT solutions.”
In the experiment, we then do a second take. I convey three messages, and only three, on Post-its, and then ask my role-player to pass those messages on to their colleague. This time, they can do it. You may only need one or two messages, but I wouldn’t recommend offering more than three sticky messages in one go.
The key here is not just that people can only remember a limited amount of information; it’s about being intentional with what message you want to convey. If nothing else, what would you want your audience to remember? Of course, you will have more to say than just these three bullet points. But having clarity about what you want your audience to remember will guide the way you structure your content and will make it more memorable. This process will enable you to have a greater impact on your audience and add more value to the discussion. Be intentional about what you want them to take away and clearly define your key messages right at the outset of your meeting preparation. While you may still give people the same amount of data, your focus will be on memorable messages that you intend for them to take away, rather than overloading them with information or leaving what they actually remember and pass on to chance.
Finally, we’re going to start to think about content (I heard you breathe that sigh of relief!). What is it you’re going to say? Now you can open your laptop.
CONTENT
In total, working through insight, motivation, perception, and advocate requires about fifteen to twenty minutes’ preparation. On top of that, you may have discovered that you would benefit from having a few conversations with key people to increase your understanding of your audience. But this additional prep time saves you in the long run. By following the IMPACT framework for planning your meeting or writing your presentation, you save time as your content tends to flow more naturally as you have clarity around your message goals.
“You Had Me at Hello”
I can’t guide you on what to say. It’s your area of expertise. But I can highlight a few areas that matter and are often overlooked. The first is which part to script. When preparing for an important meeting or presentation, most of us naturally script the main content in the middle, although the main content is actually the part we know best. The middle is our expertise—it’s where we get into the flow and probably the reason why we’ve been given the opportunity to share. I clearly remember the day I met Barry, a smart engineering consultant specializing in the automotive industry and doing well in his career. In his late thirties, Barry was on track to become a partner in a few years, if all went well. He was asked by the managing partner of his firm to present for ten minutes at a conference for 350 clients and potential clients. He was scheduled to take the stage right after two of the most senior partners in his firm—experienced speakers who were known and influential in his industry. No pressure. Barry had two audiences—the clients and his bosses. When we met, he described to me what was important. It wasn’t that he wanted to be the star of the show. He didn’t need to be particularly funny or charming. He just wanted to put his best self forward. He’s good at his job and has genuine expertise on his topic. He told me what he wanted was more gravitas.
Barry walked me through the main content of his talk. We made some slight changes—some parts were too long, some were too confusing with industry-specific jargon, and some sentences needed to be rephrased to be punchier. But overall, it was good—because he knows his stuff. Then I asked him to stand up so we could do a practice run. His opening was not a moment that would induce Dorothy Boyd’s famous line to Jerry Maguire: “You had me at hello.” Sadly, Barry lost me somewhere between “hello” and reciting his title.
There are two times when your audience is most likely listening: the beginning and the end. They’re listening at the beginning to decide whether they’re going to keep listening or start thinking about their next meeting or whether they’re going to the gym after work. There are so many easy distractions lurking, just waiting for a window to take over people’s thoughts. People will naturally tune back in (if they have tuned out to any degree) at the end, once we suggest it’s coming by saying, “So to wrap up . . . ,” or “In conclusion,” etc. This happens because we know that when a speaker is wrapping up, we’re likely going to have to do something next. It might be our turn to speak, someone might ask a question, or we might need to get up and move. Increasing our attention to what someone is saying when we know they’re coming to a close is an intuitive response. Hopefully, we have their attention throughout, but we are most likely to have our audience’s full attention at the beginning and the end, yet we script the middle of important talks and often wing the portions people will probably attend to the most.
When I pointed this out to Barry, he said, “Yes, I can see that. So I guess the start is the most important.” Not necessarily. Yes, it shapes the perception your audience has of you. At the start, they make a subconscious decision about the amount of mental ef
fort they will put in to following you. But in your final words, you get to decide their lasting impression of you. The point is that you get to decide. We need to be intentional with our beginning and our end. And by that I don’t just mean the introduction and conclusion. Do script those. Write, test, and rework the three introductory and three concluding sentences. But the introduction is not the first thing you say, nor is the conclusion the last. We also need to script our opening and our close—the very first and very last words we say. Here’s an example.
Barry originally planned to say, as soon as he was introduced by his colleague Angela, “Thanks, Angela, my talk today is about technical challenges in the automotive industry.” And then he planned to launch into the introductory points of his talk.
We changed his opening to, “Thank you, Angela. [pause] Good morning, all. It’s great to have you with us today. It’s a critical time in our industry. We’re currently facing uncertain market conditions, unexpected legislative changes, and rapid technological developments. Navigating this environment seems more challenging than ever. I’d like to share with you . . .”
He needed to make the thank-you to Angela a real thank-you. Cursorily slipping it into the opening sentence with the subject of his talk did not seem sincere. He also needed to genuinely greet the audience. It was powerful for him to welcome them, even though others had spoken and done so before him, showing both the audience and his colleagues that, in his mind, he had ownership of the event as much as anyone. What he didn’t need to do was recite the title. The audience could read! And in the few seconds he spent walking to the podium after Angela introduced him and his first slide went up, they would have read it. What he needed to do was connect. But he subconsciously wanted to rush through the beginning because once he got into his area of expertise, he’d be psychologically safe. For those who are comfortable presenting front and center, this may seem silly. But for those who are not yet comfortable speaking in public—which can be even the most experienced professionals among us—it takes courage to own the introduction. Whether it’s in a large auditorium or a small client meeting room, choose to make space for the introduction, and to engage and hold the room at the outset—verbally and nonverbally—before rushing into the details of your meeting.
A Verbal Wet-Fish Handshake
This might seem like a lot of thinking about a little thing. But the thirty minutes we spent reworking Barry’s opening and closing had a more powerful impact on his gravitas than the rest of the time we spent looking at the middle of his content (because he’s good at his work and knows that content). And it’s not just relevant for large audiences and formal presentations—it’s true for small-to-medium-size meetings, too. Giving thought to what we’re going to say first is powerful. We know that our handshake needs to be firm but not too tight. But we can offer the verbal equivalent of a wet-fish handshake if we haven’t thought through our beginning—even the most articulate professionals can just stumble into a conversation. Yes, they’re likely to pick it up with powerful points as they get into their message, talking about their areas of expertise where they feel confident, but they can’t take back that first impression. We can have powerful, strong body language and a great handshake, but we need our words and body language to align to have the best first impression (more on this in the next chapter).
Owning the Flow
Even when we’re really prepared for the formal part of a meeting, we can shoot ourselves in the foot in the informal encounters by tripping over small talk. Some of the brightest, most impressive professionals I’ve met are extremely confident talking about their area of expertise, but when it comes to the opening chitchat, they stumble. It’s not silly, and if this is you, you’re not alone. I’ve written lists on areas of small talk with many coaching clients. Obviously, we can’t script these sentences the same way we can for a presentation. We need to respond, not just project, but we can preempt the need for small talk and have a couple of questions or comments up our sleeve. Again, it’s not about pretending to be someone else. Being authentic is about being true to the impact that you want to have on others. “I’m just not really a talker” is a lazy excuse. Yes, it might take more effort and courage for you than for someone who is naturally more “chatty,” but you do get to choose. I know many professionals who don’t feel natural or particularly comfortable generating small talk, asking questions, commenting, and facilitating conversation—but you would never know it. People who have authentic gravitas take ownership of the conversation, of the interpersonal “flow.” It’s the difference between a conversation that has a sense of ease and one that’s stilted and a little awkward. It’s not the responsibility of the supposedly natural talkers of the world to make sure there’s flow in every encounter. If you want to have gravitas—to create a positive encounter for and a powerful impact on the people you’re with—then, regardless of your personality and preferences, you have the responsibility and the opportunity to facilitate the conversation.
Time to Get Personal
When it comes to content, we can be cold or we can be prepared to be personal. I say “be prepared” because it can be more comfortable to keep our content neutral. Being formal and impersonal can feel safer. But the goal with authentic gravitas is impact with connection. Being personal doesn’t mean being less of an expert.
Here’s an example from Christine, an energy consultant, pitching to an existing client in a small group meeting to renew their contract. Her original opening was, “Hello. This presentation I’m giving is on our consultancy and how we work with you. I’ll be speaking for forty-five minutes, which should take us nicely up to lunch, and then after lunch I believe we have some time for discussion. I’ll be speaking about how we currently work with you and how we could work together going forward.”
It was a nice enough introduction, but we made some slight changes. Primarily, we needed to make it more about her audience and less about Christine. Listening to someone tell you what they are going to say and how long they are going to talk is not particularly engaging. And this was her opening—her “they’re definitely listening” moment. Someone telling you what he or she is going to do for you is more likely to get your attention:
Good morning. Thank you for the opportunity to be with you today. My goal is to understand how we can better serve you, to strengthen our relationship and ensure we add great value to your company both now and in the long run. As you requested, I’ve brought a presentation to share some ideas about how we might be able to do this. At the end, you should feel fully equipped to make a decision about how you’d like to go forward. This should take around forty-five minutes, which will take us nicely into lunch. Please ask any questions along the way; I’m more than happy to discuss anything throughout that is important to you. I’ll be here over lunch as well and am looking forward to spending that time together.
Throughout the presentation, Christine was planning on making fairly objective points—for example, “The energy regulator says that organizations in this sector must . . .” Even the smallest changes to personalize throughout a presentation can increase the engagement of your audience and thereby the extent of your connection and impact: “The energy regulator has determined that you, and other organizations like yours operating in this sector, must . . .” Making these small changes throughout can result in your audience experiencing your presentation as being about them and for them, compared to an information dump. You are telling them what is relevant to them, rather than simply telling them everything you know. We are bombarded by information all day, every day, but we take note of what is personal.
The Science and Art of Storytelling
We can make our messages personal to our audience, but for true connection, we need to share what is personal to us. We can feel particularly vulnerable in doing so, but people remember stories more than information. Many people feel uncomfortable sharing stories or think they have none to offer, but if you�
��ve been working for more than ten minutes in your life, you likely have some stories that will increase your connection and add value.
The key is to make sure you add them at this stage of your planning. Stories are supplements to your message—they should support and reinforce a point or your overall goals. So let’s return to the beginning of our preparation. How do we want the people in our audience to think, feel, and act as a result of this encounter with us? If nothing else, what do we want them to remember? This guides our decisions around storytelling. The story doesn’t have to be yours—it can be an organizational story, or it can be someone else’s story (if you have their permission to share it). But if you choose not to share one of your own stories, question your motives behind that decision. Being vulnerable and sharing things that are personal can increase trust and connection for authentic gravitas. Brené Brown’s groundbreaking research shows the power of vulnerability both for us personally and in terms of our impact on those we encounter at work, our teams and organizations.10
You may be concerned about the audience’s perception of you personally, but you can manage this. If it’s a negative story highlighting a flaw, use it to show that you’re human, but proactively learning and growing. If it’s a positive story and you’re concerned you’ll come across as boastful, just be careful of phrasing and use the word we instead of I wherever possible and accurate. You then highlight the strengths of all the people you were working with, not just your own.
Authentic Gravitas Page 9