Nine Years: A novel (Beneath the Clouds Book 1)

by Jessica Leed

  ‘Please walk away from him.’

  To her surprise he began to weep, his heart breaking for what broke hers. She had never seen him cry before. Not since they were six years old at a friend’s birthday, fighting over a party bag that had the most sherbet bombs in it. Seeing him shed tears over her, for her, only made the ache in her heart intensify.

  She felt herself slowly giving in as she wrapped her arms around her dearest friend, wishing more than anything for the pain to shallow.

  ‘You’re stronger than you know.’

  His words should have been reassuring, but she brushed away the comment before they had the chance to encourage her. She dropped her arms, brushing off his words, even though deep down she knew he was right.

  But it wasn’t going to happen.

  ‘I ca … can’t,’ she stuttered through her flood of her tears.

  With his arms still around her, he lowered his head and aligned it with hers. ‘He cheated on you. Crawling back to him will only tell him what he did was ok.’ He shook his head in dismay. ‘It’s not ok Sienna. You know that. How he treated you was disgusting, and he’ll do it again.’

  Part of her still held onto her resentment of his long-standing disapproval of Brody. He had always been judgmental of him, of their relationship. Trust him to expect the worst.

  ‘You don’t know what you’re talking about.’ Her words were nothing short of pathetic. She was being pathetic, she knew that. Yet her pride had formed a stronghold over her, one she wasn’t willing to break free from.

  He rubbed his forehead vigorously as his eyes glazed over with angry tears. He bowed slowly, processing her response. Then without another word he turned his back on her and walked back to the car, slamming the door behind him.

  She wrapped her arms around herself, sheltering herself from the ache in the pit her of her stomach that had made its way to her extremities. She felt paralysed, motionless as she watched him speed out of the driveway, his wheels making a mess of the gravel as he left. She inhaled sharply and wiped away any evidence of tear stained cheeks before she opened the front door and let herself inside.

  Eleven

  Dance had always been an escapism for Sienna.

  A physical expression that granted a freedom and vulnerability to find and lose herself, all at the same time. A place where music had the rare ability of capturing her soul, transporting her to a place where her heart was content. A place through the stillness of sitting inside the theatre, she felt invincible.

  It was a feeling she had lost. One that had been an essence to her being, a fire to her spirit.

  She spent countless hours in the same seat at the back of the theatre, watching the competitions unfold over the course of the week. She was content in her own company as her spirit slowly refilled with a fire that had once fizzled years ago. The competition had changed since her teenage years, and not in a way that encouraged her. There were less competitors now, less schools across the region participating. She noticed that there was now a lack of classical ballet sections compared to theatrical ones. In fact, not a single school competing had teachers with any professional background in ballet yet had entered their students into these sections. Solos that had fallen short of the standard. A standard much lower than what had graced the stage a decade ago. Although she enjoyed watching the dancing, this observation frustrated her. Aringdale needed more qualified ballet coaches, especially now hers had moved on. They needed someone fresh, with industry experience and the knowledge to raise the standard before it was too late.

  So now we move onto plan B and I build you that dance school, right?

  It had been four days since she had seen him. She wasn’t surprised he hadn’t made an appearance, even after reassuring her that he would. He probably went away that night realising that seeing each other again wouldn’t be wise, the same way she did. Not when there had been tears involved the first time. It was all too much, far too heavy on her heart and perhaps, had been on his too.

  In just three days she would go back to the life she had created. A life she would press forward with, without the memories of Aringdale haunting her. She had a relationship to restore, a wedding to plan, and an accountability to her grade three class. An accountability to one student in particular, whom she wouldn’t let down.

  At least once a day during intermission, she would find herself at the foyer at the cafeteria with a lukewarm cup of instant coffee in her hands as she conversed with past students and teachers. Many of the conversations consisted of them pleading for her to come back and teach for them. She had managed to lock down a couple of workshops, not having a clue when she would find the time to come back and teach them. Whether she would commit to teaching one or not, it felt nice to be wanted, for her talent to be recognised and appreciated after all this time. She would have been silly to have refused the opportunity.

  The little gold bell rang indicating the session was about to begin. She tossed her half-drunk cup in the bin and made her way back up the red carpeted stairs and into the auditorium. She took her usual spot, centre back, standing clear of the competitors and their tribe of support that filled the rows in front. She maneuvered her way through the crowd of people to her seat, keeping her eyes down to avoid stepping on any belongings. There was a bigger crowd this afternoon which was expected with popular theatrical solos and championships scheduled.

  She reached her seat just as the lights dimmed, took out the program and settled herself in for what would be at least another three hours of performances.

  ‘What section are we watching today?’

  She turned, startled to find Ethan in the seat next to her with his familiar cheeky grin. Without thinking, she wrapped her arms around him and squeezed as much of him as her little arms could manage. A flood of happiness took over her. He had come after all.

  ‘Hi.’

  ‘Hey,’ he said, grinning.

  ‘You’re here.’

  ‘I told you I would, didn’t I?’

  She couldn’t help but grin, too. ‘What about work?’

  He patted her knee. ‘Slow day. I thought I’d spend it here with you instead. Much better than building another deck, I reckon.’

  She physically wasn’t able to wipe the smile off her face as he said this. He looked good, dressed in beige chino pants and a blue knit top. His big brown eyes look at her with an admiration that warmed her heart.

  ‘So, what are we watching?’

  ‘Oh!’ She sat up straighter and passed him the program and a pen. ‘Hip hop. You can fill this in.’

  ‘What am I filling in?’

  She pointed to the awards section on the page. ‘I’ll teach you as we go.’ She could see the outline of his crooked smile, even in the darkness of the theatre.

  Her spirit felt light, full.

  She could hardly concentrate as the sections carried out that afternoon. Every time a solo ended, she could feel his eyes on her as their hands came together in applause. She could have sat there for hours but hadn’t wanted to put him through it. He had been too polite to suggest a bite to eat, not wanting to take her away from the dancing knowing how much it meant to her. After a section of over twenty competitors concluded, she motioned him outside.

  As soon as they exited the double doors and exposed their bodies to the cold, she felt her joy disintegrate as swiftly as the breeze. It was as though stepping out from the theatre had transitioned her from a fictional place where her heart was light, to an instant heaviness as reality festered its way in.

  What was she doing uniting a place that had once been her safe haven with a man whom she was meant to guard her heart from?

  She was playing with fire. That was what she was doing. And it would destroy her a second time if she wasn’t careful.

  ‘Where are you taking me?’ he asked, stretching his arms wide, open to adventure.

 
She didn’t do adventure anymore, she knew that much. Even if she did, it wouldn’t be with him. She suddenly felt guilty for being alone with him, especially with the emotional turmoil she was in. She wasn’t thinking straight. Maybe if she sent a quick message to Patrick, forcing him to the front of her mind she would feel better about the situation. She needed to move, walk, get out.

  Something.

  ‘The park?’ she suggested.

  ‘Ok, sure. Let’s go! Will you be ok? You won’t get too cold?’

  Stop being so damn beautiful.

  ‘I’ll be fine.’ She didn’t smile. It was as though he could detect the change inside of her the way his eyes positioned on hers longer than normal. What was wrong with her? Her emotions were all over the place. She hated her inability to be able to make sense of them.

  They reached the park in silence. She breathed in the beauty of nature surrounding them as their footsteps synced together along the footpath. It was the same park they hung out at as kids, eating fish and chips and countless boxes of pizza under the tallest Oaktree at the top of the hill. It was a place where they would sit and observe anyone that passed by below, making predictions what their lives were like, and what type of people they were. Maybe Ethan had found the same memory as their footsteps led them along the path and towards the tree that played a role in their enduring bond.

  She felt her phone vibrate on the inside of her handbag. She quickly opened it to find Patrick calling. Part of her wanted to hear his voice, especially since he hadn’t responded to any of her messages the day before. But a part of her was afraid of how the conversation would play out, knowing she would be more hesitant than usual with Ethan next to her, listening in.

  ‘You can take it,’ he said, studying her.

  She stared at her phone as Patrick’s name persisted to flash at her. She hit decline and sent it back in her bag. She would call him later.

  ‘He must be missing you.’

  She shrugged. ‘It hasn’t been that long.’

  ‘Still, it’s never fun being apart.’

  She shifted her focus to her feet that were still moving in sync with his. ‘It has actually been nice having some time away,’ her words came slowly.

  His lips coiled. ‘It must be nice catching up with your folks, I bet they’re loving having you home. Do you get to see much of them?’

  She shook her head. ‘Before a couple of weeks ago, I hadn’t seen them since … well, probably since October,’ she said, remembering the trip she made after one of their many fights. This particular one had been bad.

  ‘Wow really? His eyes widened. ‘You haven’t seen them in what, eight months? Why?’

  ‘I know.’ She felt her throat stiffen at that. Of course, he was shocked, he knew how close she had once been to her family.

  He stopped walking and narrowed his eyes. ‘Talk to me Sienna. What’s going on with you?’

  The gentleness in his voice unlocked a chain around her heart within seconds. Instead of responding, she pointed to the tree that had once been theirs. It still looked the same; layered in jagged bark—its strong branches stretched wide, covered with ripe, green leaves. Even the trees hadn’t changed in ten years. They sat down under it, taking shelter from the brisk air.

  ‘I don’t know what happened,’ she began, confused at the turmoil her relationship was in. ‘I don’t know how we got here.’

  He waited patiently as she took a long moment to articulate her thoughts. She began to share the details of her relationship, from their perfect beginning, Charlie’s accident, to Patrick’s addiction to alcohol, her work issues and the wedding she had almost given up on. He leaned back against the tree as she talked softly rubbing her back every so often as she poured her heart out to him as though she was a teen again. She didn’t mention the emotional manipulation and the way he constantly had her in tears. She wanted to avoid a judgement being made of him, the same way a judgement had been made over Brody all those years ago. She refused to acknowledge that perhaps it wasn’t Patrick she wanted to protect, but herself. For she was yet to realise if Ethan had the complete story, he would confirm what she knew deep down to be true.

  She shared all she felt was safe enough to disclose, feeling a burden lift as soon as they were spoken aloud. He still had a way of making her look at herself as though a mirror was held against her heart. He always had a way of uncovering the truth inside her, no matter how deeply buried. She felt the breeze wash over them as they sat through the stillness of silence.

  ‘Sienna,’ his voice came gentle, sending a peace through her. With his hand still loose on her back, he crossed his legs and turned his body to face her.

  She inhaled, preparing herself for what was to come.

  ‘This is the biggest decision of your life. You need to take the time to figure out if stepping into a marriage with this guy is one hundred percent, the right thing. It shouldn’t be something that puts your heart at unease or leaves you with any doubts. From what you have told me, I assume you guys have lost the ability to communicate and at some point, stopped being a team. It’s okay to reevaluate.’

  He drew back and searched her eyes. She kept her eyes on his even though she had a sense of knowing that she was about to be challenged.

  ‘Do you really believe Patrick is the man who’s going to encourage you, support you and champion the desires of your heart? Is he a man who complements you, builds you, pursues you and prioritizes you? I’m going to throw an obvious one out there okay, annnnnnd, this might be really confronting. Sort of cliché, but still valid.’ His eyes clouded with a sorrow similar to the one resonating inside her. ‘Can you really say with confidence that Patrick is the one you can see yourself truly happy with, for the rest of your life?’

  As soon as the words were spoken, she found herself catching her breath. She could have responded quickly, reassuring him that he was. But if she looked at herself the way Ethan was looking at her, they would both know she was being dishonest. She had her fears, yes.

  But she wouldn’t give up.

  She would be happy again. They would both find happiness again. It was a hope she would cling onto, a hope that would carry her through whatever was thrown their way next. Because of that hope, she was unable to answer the question truthfully.

  ‘So many questions,’ she sighed, ‘can I write them down?’

  He held her glance but said nothing. She kept her eyes on him. ‘But … I also have a good memory too,’ she joked, trying to keep the mood light in hope to ease the pang in her heart.

  ‘You already have.’

  She was confused. ‘What?’

  His eyes explored hers before he takes out a folded piece of paper from his pocket. She stared at it, feeling her blood run cold. Instantly she recognised the blue paper. It was the same paper as the one from the writing kit she had used to write her letters to him, all those years ago. With trembling hands, she took the letter from him ever so cautiously, unfolded it, and began to read.

  January 17th 2009,

  Hey you,

  Can I just say again how sorry I am for doubting you? For not trusting that you knew what was best for me. Even though my heart is broken, I am grateful that you helped me find the strength to walk way. I am even more grateful that we are talking again. I would be lost without you.

  Now, this might sound weird, but I have created a list for my future boyfriend, or husband (I know, I’m getting way ahead of myself). It’s sort of like a check list I guess, but I wanted you to have it because I know that no matter what, you will be in my life forever. You’re probably still wondering what this has to do with you, so listen up. Whoever I consider ending up with I want you, as one of my best friends to help me make sure that the person who is lucky enough to marry me one day (poor sucker, lol) matches this criteria.

  Before Brody, I admit I was so focused on superficial qualities wan
ting him to be intelligent, handsome, tall, good sense of fashion, quirky etc. But I have learned that these things are simply not enough. So, I have made a list! Don’t laugh, but here it is. But please remember, I need you to help me with this, so I am holding you accountable for when that day comes! Please don’t let me walk down the aisle to a man who falls short of these! No pressure! Hehe… love you.

  1. He should be teachable

  2. He should challenge me

  3. He should cherish me

  4. He should respect me

  5. He thinks before he speaks, slow to anger

  6. He should be trustworthy

  7. A good communicator

  8. A good listener

  9. Family orientated

  10. Faithful

  11. Practices humility

  12. Most importantly, a man who would without fail, be by my side through all seasons of life.

  Love always, your friend

  Sienna

  With stinging tears, she folded it up and instead of giving it back, she stuffed it in her jacket pocket.

  ‘Out of all the letters, you found this one. What made you bring it?’ She couldn’t look at him.

  His body shifted closer to her. ‘I had a feeling it was something you needed to read.’ Very gently, he placed his hand on her knee and together they stared out at the trees swaying gently in the breeze.

  ‘You knew we were having problems?’

  ‘I sensed it as soon as I saw you.’

  A tear slid down her face and she found his eyes with hers. ‘You still have it?’

  ‘I have all of them.’ He stopped for a moment then nodded. ‘Every single letter you have ever written me.’

  She shook her head. How could he have kept every one of them and hadn’t kept in contact with her? He hadn’t even tried to reach out once.

  ‘Why would you tell me that now?’

  ‘What do you mean, now?’