Nine Years: A novel (Beneath the Clouds Book 1)

by Jessica Leed

  The world around her stopped in that moment, or at least it felt that way through the distraction of her million thoughts as the engine rattled away. His hearty laugh was quick to fill the air.

  ‘Well, I’m going to say this Sienna.’ His smile was infectious, sending her lips to coil. ‘If you two aren’t married by the time you’re thirty, then you’ll marry each other. It’s already decided.’

  She wasn’t sure why he had made such comment when their history had only been one of friendship. Maybe Rod had sensed something deeper between them. Which only hurt her heart more as she had seen the potential too.

  But Ethan hadn’t.

  She was at a loss but had thrown her head back and laughed at the comment anyway.

  She had collected her thoughts once, spilling them over a series of journals. There had been several of them over the years. Beginning from ninth grade right up until she met Patrick at the age of twenty-one. From then on, she stopped writing.

  The way many things came to a stop once they got together.

  She pushed the thought aside. She didn’t have to put an end to anything, only she was accountable for her choices. She placed her phone down, neglecting her cold chicken curry and took out the steady ladder from the closet. Positioning it in front of the cupboard in the bedroom, she reached to the top shelf and took down the plastic tub containing what she assumed were her old journals. She placed it on the bed, the weight of the contents causing the mattress to sink a little. Images of rings, hearts and flowers invaded her sight as soon as she lifted the lid.

  Their engagement cards.

  As her eyes ran over the poetry of messages written by their loved ones, a peculiar sense of guilt filled her. Out of all emotions, she hadn’t been able to make sense of. It was the one that stumped her the most. It has almost been five years since their engagement—just shy of four years since their celebration. Most engaged couples would have pieced together the details of their wedding, gone forward with their wedding, perhaps travelled the word and had a kid or two by now.

  They had been spoilt that day, showered with gifts of money, homeware, wine, vouchers—the list went on. Presents that remained packaged and hidden in the far top cupboard somewhere.

  Maybe that was where the guilt came from. That there were hundreds of dollars’ worth of abandoned presents stashed away when they could be of good use. She cringed at the thought of all the vouchers that would have expired by now.

  What a waste.

  Reading over the heartfelt words as they were wished a life time of happiness, felt as though the words were meant for someone else. Why was it that she felt completely emotionally removed from the joy everyone else seemed to have for them?

  Wish you all the love and happiness as you embark on your life together.

  They had all read. Three key words stood out to her.

  Love, happiness, life.

  Words that laughed at her squarely in the face. She opened the cards one by one, each one having read similar to the last. Yet the one from the Kahler’s had laughed the loudest:

  We are so sad that we are unable to be there today to celebrate your engagement. Our hearts are bursting with happiness and we so look forward to your special day. We love you very much and thrilled that you have found each other. May you continue to cherish each other for years to come.

  Our love always,

  Tamara and Rod xoxo

  … You have found each other.

  Why did she feel as though she was still searching?

  It was probably something to do with what Jacqui had mentioned about her having lost her identity over the years. But that hadn’t been Patrick’s fault.

  … May you continue to cherish each other forever.

  Ok, so maybe she couldn’t justify that one. But when things were good, they did cherish one another. Didn’t they? They would find their way back.

  Enough.

  She couldn’t keep doing this, picking apart their relationship like a wood pecker. Yes, right now they were standing on shaky grounds, but that didn’t mean that a solid groundwork hadn’t been built.

  Did it?

  For whatever reason, Rod and Tamara hadn’t been able to make their engagement that day. She remembered feeling over the top disappointed without really knowing why. It had been years since she had seen them, that night in September probably having been the last time she had. The Kahler family left an imprint so profoundly on her heart making the years fall away, no matter how many had elapsed.

  The thought crossed her mind that Rod may not have wanted to see her with anyone other than his son. But that would have been taking his comment in the plane that day about them marrying each other a little too literally. He loved her like a daughter, and sure, he had been protective of her the same way a father would. It made sense for him to have concerns over a man he had never met. But even if it had been the reason, it would have never stood in the way of them being there that day.

  After her trip home she wasn’t sure how well she would handle seeing Rod again, with Ethan’s features reflecting back at her. Their characteristics and mannerisms were practically identical, even if Ethan had never congratulated her on her engagement. Out of all the moments to reach out—that would have been a perfect opportunity.

  She lowered her head onto the pillow. Curling her body into a ball she turned to her side and stared at the cards around her. It was a position they once spent hours entangled in each other’s bodies, connected in a way that now felt like a life time ago.

  She wanted to blame living together for what they had become. That the four walls enclosed over them barracked their relationship before it had a chance to grow. They had moved in too soon, trying too hard to establish foundations, all in the wrong order.

  But they were head over heels in love, the excitement of their prolonged honeymoon phase, fast tracking them to a place their relationship wasn’t ready for. They had jumped the gun. They had wanted the victory without putting in the hard work. Had they really approached the finishing line without having run the race? Now it was almost impossible to retrace their steps and go back to the start. And if they did, would they find anything worth running for?

  Think.

  She searched her brain. What did they share in common? What brought them together in the first place? Sure, they were physically attracted to each other. They were both adventurous, or at least had been. They loved the outdoors and enjoyed going out for a nice meal. They both had secure jobs and shared a desire to be financially secure. That was great and all, but placing these things aside, what values did they share if these things fell through? What happened to championing the passions inside of them, the ones that set their souls on fire? What about the unconditional love of a family? Children of their own?

  Oh god, what if he didn’t even want children? How had they not talked about that? Out of all the things, it was something she wanted the most.

  They needed counselling.

  She couldn’t sit back and watch their issues fester a moment longer. Getting through each day without breaking down wasn’t an achievement anymore. Something had to shift. Things had to change. Otherwise they would wake up one morning without a single thing binding them together.

  Counselling.

  The idea terrified her. Counselling meant they had hit rock bottom and just maybe, would anchor there. Counselling sounded like a destination, not a pit stop.

  It was a place where all their issues would be brought to light— thrown into the hands of a stranger. Issues they hadn’t been able to speak about for years, let alone acknowledge. What if they were just too far gone? She made a mental note to at least suggest it. He will probably laugh in her face, but at this point, she had nothing to lose. She already felt as though she had somewhat lost him.

  Her eyes grew heavier as her head span with a storm of questions. The whole t
hing was exhausting.

  With a slam of a door, she woke. Battering her eyelids, she peered at the clock and caught herself gasp. She had been out for almost two and a half hours. Before she had a chance to process a thing, Patrick appeared at the door. He stood there for a moment, taking in what must have looked strangely odd with a pile of cards sprawled around her as she laid there.

  ‘Are you okay?’ He almost looked concerned—almost.

  She propped herself up onto her elbows. ‘Yeah.’ She rubbed her eyes. ‘I didn’t realise how tired I was.’

  He nodded slowly, his eyes stopped cold at the tub sitting on the bed. ‘What’s all this about?’ He walked over and began flicking through the cards.

  ‘I was looking for something and came across these … It’s nice to look through them again.’

  He nodded again. ‘Everyone was very generous, that’s for sure. Did we ever send out thank you cards?’ He didn’t look at her.

  ‘Yeah.’ She sat up properly this time and folded her legs under her. ‘They went out.’

  He smiled. It had to be the most he had given her in weeks. She sent him a little smile back. She wanted to ask him how his night was, but while she had him, she knew it was now or never.

  ‘Looking at these and reflecting back on the happiness that day…’ She had no idea if she was going about this the right way or not, but he seemed to be listening. ‘And looking at where we are now, I feel as though we’ve lost our way a bit and think it could be a good idea for us to be open in exploring anything that might help us find that joy again.’ She felt breathless as the thump of her heart interfered with every word.

  He crossed his arms over his chest and sighed. She leaned in ever so slightly, expecting to take in a beer stained breath. But instead it smelt minty, almost fruity. It was a pleasant surprise and held potential for their conversation to actually lead somewhere this time.

  ‘What are you suggesting?’

  ‘Counselling.’

  ‘Jesus, S.’ Hard lines formed on his forehead. ‘You’ve got to be joking.’

  It wasn’t the reaction she had hoped for, but she had anticipated it. ‘I’m really not.’ She squeezed her fingers, hyping herself to be brave and continue. ‘I think it could be good for us. I know it might sound scary but I know that we’ll be able to put everything on the table and work through it all together. We just need a starting point, a bit of guidance. Advice has never hurt anyone. We don’t have all the answers, maybe there’s strategies we can—’

  ‘No.’ He shook his head firmly.

  ‘Patrick—’

  ‘No S. If we have reached the point where we have to rely on some professional who doesn’t know a single thing about us to fix our problems then that speaks volumes.’ His eyes became fierce, sending a flute of adrenaline through her. ‘Their knowledge derives from text books. They’ll just give us text book suggestions and text book solutions based on how they perceive and categorise the information we feed them. The only two people who ever know what’s going on in a relationship are the two people in the relationship. You and I. No one else. Not some stupid counsellor who probably chose their career because they couldn’t solve their own problems, delusional in thinking that they can solve the problems of others.’ He was standing now, clearly done with the discussion.

  ‘Well that’s my suggestion.’ She threw her hands up, too irritated to let the tears fall. ‘What’s yours? Or are we going to keep going on like this until we break?’

  ‘We’re already broken.’ His eyes persisted firmly on hers, holding no emotion. He sighed heavily. ‘You know, I was hoping for us to spend some quality time together and work on us before you decided to get up and leave to go to Aringdale for two weeks.’

  ‘One week!’ she snapped.

  ‘Well, whatever. You still left when we weren’t in a good place.’ She couldn’t believe what she was hearing. How dare he put that on her like that? How manipulative he was being!

  ‘I have been wanting to fix us but you’re up early sneaking into work before I have a chance to open my eyes.’

  He was actually blaming her.

  ‘And you’re always home late! I feel like you’re avoiding me completely,’ she whimpered. ‘And then there’s your drinking problem, what are we going to do about that?’ She could barely see him through her tears, just enough to catch a glimpse of the outline of his features.

  ‘We don’t have to do anything. Maybe I’ve already been talking to someone about it. If you cared to check in with me once in a while you would already know that. I haven’t had a drink all week. Not a single drop. Not since you got back home and ran off to Jacqui’s house.’ He was shouting now. ‘If that’s even where you went.’

  ‘Oh ok, so we have trust issues now, do we?’ Her fingers were turning blue the way she was squeezing onto them.

  He threw his hands up, landing in a loud slap to his sides as they fell melodramatically from the air. ‘Fuck off,’ he roared, rolling his eyes. ‘Well, let’s just add that to the list too shall we!’ His eyes were fierce on hers, ignoring the tears streaming down her flushed face. He paused for a moment. ‘I’m going out,’ he muttered and stomped out the bedroom.

  ‘Will you be home later?’ she squeaked.

  ‘Don’t know.’

  With that, the front door slammed behind him. She scrambled off the bed, scooped the cards together and stuffed them back into the box without care. With quivering hands, she climbed the step ladder and pushed them deep back into the cupboard until she couldn’t physically see it anymore.

  She wandered back to the lounge room and took her cold bowl of dinner and transferred it into a plastic container, and into the fridge. She wasn’t hungry.

  Her phone was still open to her conversation with Ethan. It was amazing how only a few hours earlier she was laughing, and now, submerged in tears. Not that crying was unusual for her these days, but still. Through the torment of her emotions at an all-time high, she found herself calling Ethan’s number. After two rings, he picked up.

  ‘Sienna?’

  ‘You said you wanted to figure me out but it’s me that needs to figure myself out,’ she gasped, shaking. ‘But here you go, you might as well know everything about the girl you once knew. He isn’t fighting for us. He hasn’t been fighting for years. I don’t think I’ve heard those three words from his mouth for just as long. Maybe he doesn’t know how to love me anymore. I don’t know what to do, I sure as hell can’t talk to him. And when I do, he doesn’t listen or respect a single word I have to say. I don’t know if he even respects me anymore. He’s too busy telling me to fuck off or playing victim for every problem we have. And that’s when he’s apparently sober. When he’s drunk his behaviour is even more erratic. I lied to you Ethan. Extraordinary doesn’t even cut it. The only thing that’s extraordinary is the mess I’m in.’

  ‘Sienna—’ he started again.

  ‘And you should know this too. I’ve completely changed. I’m not the girl you remember, Ethan. It’s best you stay away from me. After a few more conversations you would see that there is so much more going on than I let on. You saw it that night we were in the car and I know you saw it the day you gave me that old letter. You wouldn’t have brought it unless you knew something was off. You knew something wasn’t right. That’s just it, you know what I need before I do. God, maybe I’m the one who needs counselling, not Patrick—’

  ‘Sienna …?’ His voice was calm on the other end of the line. Always so calm, always so gentle.

  ‘Yeah?’

  ‘Come home.’

  Fifteen

  She didn’t go home.

  Instead, she spent an hour on the phone that night releasing every suppressed feeling while she was so wound up. Although her heart was bleeding, it was somewhat healing to be able to unload the weight of what she felt with Ethan in a way she had so long ago. As alway
s, he listened without judgement and hadn’t preached at her. He was disgusted at the words Patrick spoke over her, the way he disrespected her and the control he kept taking advantage of. He wanted to punch the guy when she told him he would often return home drunk and aggressive. He demanded for her to be honest in telling him whether he ever had hurt her in any way. She told him that he hadn’t, which was the truth. Not physically anyway. Only emotionally, which in ways she believed was more painful.

  He had asked to see her again, to talk through things. But as their phone conversation went on, her emotions learned to settle. They had settled enough to know that she couldn’t allow such catch up to happen. Especially after Patrick had accused her that their recent problems stemmed from her little visit home. Her setting off again would only add fuel to the fire, especially when there were trust issues she hadn’t realised were there, until now. The call had ended with him letting her know that he was there for her. That she could come to him whenever she needed. The support was comforting, nursing the ache inside of her. They had been words that her soul craved and had carried her through the week.

  By the third week of the term, Nolan had completed three sessions with the school counsellor. To her delight, they had actually gone really well. She had asked Nolan if his parents knew about his meetings with Anita after having spent weeks with his aunt Lindsey. He told her when he mentioned it to them they were mad, scorning him for not trying hard enough at school. He even feared that he would be kept down which only made her wonder what the hell his parents were filling his brain with. It was then it occurred to her that they might not have known that Anita was a counsellor, and not a literacy coordinator she had initially told him. When she thought about it, she hadn’t been very clear with the details in her futile communication with them as her anticipation of hearing from them became less and less.