by Taylor Dean
“What did you do?”
“I baked,” I say simply.
“Ah, that’s right. I still think that was a smart thing to do. Like you said, you didn’t waste your time.”
“If I was smart, I would’ve left him right then. I should have, but it’s hard to break away from a man who is constantly professing his love.”
Jace rests his chin on one hand, his elbow on the table. “When people do things in the name of love, it’s hard to see through it.”
“Exactly. I felt like such a jerk, like I was the one being awful. In reality, he wanted to control me.”
“Were you ever happy with him?”
“He treated me like I was some kind of precious flower that could only survive if kept safe from the outside world. He showered me with love . . . and suffocated me. To answer your question, no, I wasn’t happy. But I felt guilty for having those feelings. I felt like I should be happy, that I should be thankful for having a husband that took such good care of me. He really messed with my mind.”
Because of that, my decision to leave him rested in the murky gray area. It’s a horrible place to be, filled with indecisiveness and uncertainty.
“Is that when you left him?”
“No, I found out I was pregnant and my marriage exploded. He accused me of doing it on purpose, of not taking my birth control pills as planned so I would get pregnant. For the record, I would never do something like that. Regardless, he was burning mad over it. He hated that my full attention was not on him anymore. I tried to involve him, but my attempts were in vain. At that point, I was done. All I really cared about was my baby. And, yes, she was my focus. I was obsessed with baby clothes and preparing for her arrival. Ash, on the other hand, wanted nothing to do with it. It was the breaking point for him. As far as he was concerned, I had betrayed him. I was horribly morning sick or else I would have left right then. I knew we were over.
“In the end, he found someone else, someone who was willing to be his little hothouse flower. I didn’t even suspect infidelity, but then I was preoccupied. He came home one night and announced that he’d fallen in love with someone else. He told me that she was someone who truly loved him and him alone and she was not distracted by the world, whatever that means. I can only imagine it means she was willing to never leave the house and focus every ounce of her attention on him. He had no idea how crazy he sounded. I mean, I was the bad guy because I wanted to have his baby? I thought that was a good thing. I felt numb and so very tired. I just couldn’t do it anymore. I packed my bags and left. I’m not going to lie, I was happy to leave him. I was dying a slow death.”
“I figured your marriage didn’t go well since it only lasted six months, but I had no idea it was such a bad experience. I’m sorry, Shay. I really am.”
“I don’t know what to say when friends ask about my first marriage. I mean, how do you explain that you were loved too much? Pampered too much? Cosseted too much? It sounds so silly.”
“That’s not love. That’s control.”
“Eventually I came to that same conclusion. I wish that I’d seen through his actions earlier.”
Ironically, my situation with Ash was a thousand times worse than what I experienced with Jace. But I can speak freely about Asher. I think my love for him was very shallow. It didn’t hurt as much because I wasn’t as invested in him. Frankly, I don’t feel damaged. I feel stronger and wiser after having dealt with Asher.
But Jace, I loved him with my entire heart and soul. I held nothing back. To this day it hurts as if someone is wringing my heart with their bare hands.
Maybe Ash knew I didn’t love him fully. Maybe he could sense there was someone else in my heart. Maybe I provoked his control issues.
No. I refuse to believe that. I refuse to take the blame for his behavior. I loved him and I was good to him. I gave him no reason to be jealous.
Regardless, I always knew I didn’t love Asher the way I loved Jace. There was simply no comparison.
Not then and not now.
CHAPTER
Ten
JACE DUNKS HIS straw in and out of his water glass as he processes everything I just told him. “What made you marry him in the first place, Shay?”
That’s an easy answer, but hard to admit. “To be perfectly honest, I was trying to forget about you,” I tell him bluntly. “I knew I had to try to love someone else.”
He blinks his eyes very slowly as that sinks in. “Did it work?”
“No.”
“It should’ve been us,” he whispers, blinking heavily.
“Yes, it should have been.”
We’re both quiet, lost in our own thoughts for a minute or two. My life would’ve been so different if I’d married Jace as planned. Except if he’d cheated on me while we were married, I wouldn’t have gotten over it. It would have destroyed me. Maybe things work out the way they do for a reason.
“It isn’t too late for us, Shay.”
“It might be.”
“I don’t believe that for a minute.”
“What we believe and reality can be two very different things.” I take a bite of bread and look around at the other couples in the restaurant. I wonder about their stories and if their lives are as complicated as mine seems right now.
Jace changes the subject. “Does he spend time with Brit?”
“No, he wants nothing to do with her.”
Surprise registers on his face. “Well, I think she’s better off without him.”
“Yeah, I have no idea what kind of games he’d play with her mind. I know it wouldn’t be good. I know she’ll want to meet him one day. I dread it.”
“She’ll be mature enough to handle him by then.”
“I hope so.”
It occurs to me that the topic of conversation has been all about me and this is not what I planned on talking about this evening. I’m glad it’s out in the open though. “Thanks for listening, Jace. I’m sorry I burdened you with all of that.”
“It’s not a burden at all. I think it’s healthy to talk about it.”
“I don’t have a hard time talking about Asher. It was always within my power to end it. I wasn’t a prisoner in our home or anything and he didn’t treat me horribly. Mostly, I’m just mad at myself for putting up with it for six entire months. That’s five and a half months too long. I wish I had seen the situation for what it was. I apologize again for reacting the way I did over our order. I promised myself I would never let a man do that to me again. I’m a little prickly when it comes to men—or anyone—telling me what to do.”
“Understandable. I’m sorry you went through all that.” He thinks for a moment. “Just send me the look if I ever become a bossy jerk.”
“The look?”
“Yeah, you know, that look a woman sends her man when she’s upset about something. Mind you, men do it too.”
“What’s your look? I must know,” I ask.
He turns his head slightly and one eyebrow arches dramatically.
It cracks me up and a few patrons glance my way at my loud laughter. “That’s the look you’re going to send me when you’re upset?”
Jace shrugs. “It made you laugh, so clearly it will work every time. I showed you mine, now you show me yours.”
I immediately erase all emotion from my face and flash him a hard stare.
“Whoa now, I’m scared. I promise to never make you do that again. I might run for the corner and suck my thumb. I might even start rocking back and forth.”
I shake my head and stifle the giggles that are threatening to erupt. I don’t want to be the Ladybug anymore. He’s making it really tough. I love his quick wit.
Jace reaches out and squeezes my hand. “Seriously, Shay. I would never treat you like that.”
“I wouldn’t be here if I thought differently.” I pause. “Okay, my actions of a few minutes ago make me a big, fat liar, but it was a knee-jerk reaction and I’m sorry.”
“Hey, no more apologies. I get it.
By the way, if he comes anywhere near you again, I can’t be held responsible for my actions. Just for the record.” His face hardens for a moment.
“Duly noted. Between you and Stony, he should be very afraid.” I smooth my hair for the umpteenth time and tell my nerves to go take a hike. In spite of everything, this dinner is going well. I unloaded my sob story on Jace and he’s not running for the hills as of yet.
“He has a big surprise coming if he tries to get his hands on Brit. Especially since you’ll be married to a lawyer. I won’t let him get near her.”
Silence descends on our table for several heartbeats. I decide to take his comment in stride. “Feeling confident, are you?”
“Feeling hopeful,” he corrects.
I am filled with hope as well. I know we’re connecting in ways I hadn’t expected. Some people say there’s a perfect match out there for every single person. If that’s true, Jace is mine. We were not meant to be separated. Fate has brought us together again. Now it’s up to us to make it right.
No, it’s up to him to make it right. I hope he can. I’m still hoping for some kind of explanation, some kind of apology that makes everything okay.
Maybe I’m holding on to false hope. Maybe I need to accept that an explanation for his behavior doesn’t exist. Maybe the ball is in my court and the only way things will work out between us is if I can find forgiveness in my heart.
Huh. No pressure.
I’d really like to have some light conversation for a bit so I tell him what happened today. “I texted my mom to tell her I was going to dinner with you tonight. She texted back, WTF.”
“Caroline?”
“I know, right? I texted back and said, Mom, do you know what WTF means? She texted back, Well That’s Fantastic.”
Jace laughs aloud and I join him. It feels so good to laugh with him. I want a fresh start with him so much, I can taste it. This dinner would be a much happier occasion, maybe even a heart racing first date.
Never mind, my heart is racing and I have stars in my eyes. Jace always inspires this feeling in me, first date or fiftieth.
Jace says, “When my mom first found out she was sick and she sent me her test results, the text said, Well, it’s official, I have cancer. Don’t worry, I can beat this. LOL. I texted back and said, Mom, it’s not funny. She said back, I know! When we were on the phone that evening, I asked what she thought LOL meant. She said, Lots of love. When I told her it meant Laugh out loud, she was mortally embarrassed. She sent the same text to all of her friends and family.”
We both chuckle as we shake our heads. “I’m sure they knew what she meant.” I search my mind, wishing I had another funny story to share with him, something to lighten the mood. I’ve got nothing.
“How did the interviews go?” he asks, changing the subject.
“Good. I hired a new girl.”
“That’ll take some of the load off of you.”
“I’m just glad the interviews are over. One of the girls actually told me she couldn’t work weekends because her parents go out of town and she couldn’t leave her cat alone.”
“Maybe she and the girl who eats lots of cheese should be friends.”
“Right? I’m not sure they realize that when you have a job, you actually have to show up to get paid. The cheese girl called and asked why her paycheck was so low.”
“Seriously?”
I shake my head. “No joke.”
“Were we ever like that?”
“You mean assuming the world revolved around us?”
“Yep.” He winks at me.
I raise my eyebrows. “I don’t know what you mean. It did.”
“That answers my question.” His chest rumbles with laughter, as if it’s trying to escape.
Now is the time. It’s the perfect opening to turn the tables on him and hopefully get him talking about himself. I was honest about my past, now it’s his turn. “May I ask you a question?”
His eyes shutter immediately and it disturbs me. The evening is going so well and I wasn’t expecting that response. He tried to hide it, but I saw the flash of hesitancy.
“Sure.”
“Why have you never married?” I ask bluntly.
“Just never found the right girl.” He doesn’t look at me as he answers with the trite saying.
“Really? With so many to choose from in New York City?” Please tell me, Jace. Please tell me everything.
His eyes turn distant as his fingers trace the condensation on his water glass. When he does look up at me, his eyes are troubled. “They weren’t you.”
He leaves me speechless with that answer. I clear my throat and wait for my hot cheeks to cool. Then I persist. “What did you love most about New York?”
He clicks his tongue as he thinks about it. “It’s teeming with life. I loved that I could walk the streets at midnight and it still felt like it was the afternoon.”
“Were you often out at midnight?”
“After studying for hours, yes. Taking walks would clear my head.”
Okay, not terribly personal information, but at least it’s a start. “What else?”
“The restaurants. The window displays. The throngs of people. The constant white noise. The sound of cars honking. There was always something going on and I loved it.”
I swallow. I feel like anyone could give that description of New York City. “I imagine it’s a great place when you’re dating someone. There’s so many restaurants to try and plays and things to do and . . .”
“I don’t really want to talk about New York, Shay.”
Jace can be serious when he needs to be, but at this moment, I’m missing his humor. I swear he just shut down. Our food arrives and we begin to eat. The silence is uncomfortable and masked only by the distraction of food.
I find myself studying him, watching every little nuance of movement he makes. I’ve always been fascinated by Jace. I used to watch the way he nonchalantly walked with one hand in one pocket of his jeans, never both hands in both pockets. I loved the way his eyes never wavered whenever I spoke to him and I loved the way he rubbed his chin when he was deep in thought. I even loved the way he casually held the steering wheel while driving. He didn’t grip it at the top with white knuckles, no, he rested his hands on the bottom of the wheel and still commanded full control of the car. These are just a few small quirks I remember about Jace.
At any rate, I find myself no less fascinated by him this evening and I’m watching his every move. I watch him dab his lips with his napkin. I notice the way his forearms rest on the table and I follow his hand as it runs through his hair. I notice the way his pupils enlarge when he looks at me. I remember reading somewhere that it’s a sign of interest, a physical reaction people can’t control. It has me captivated.
And yet, my heart is heavy. I’ve given him the opportunity to talk about himself and he’s not taking it. I need a confession and an apology if I’m going to move on with him. I need to know he’s changed. My heart is open and waiting. I want to let him in so much it hurts.
Yet, he remains a steel trap.
I take my last bite and slowly set down my fork. “What do you want to talk about?”
“Us.”
“There is no us,” I tell him.
“Yes, there is. We both know it.”
“Okay, I’ll give you that. But unless you can talk to me, it’s not going to happen.”
“Talk to you about what?”
Frustration fills my soul. “About New York.”
He splays his hands. “What is it you want to know?”
“I want you to tell me about your life there. I want to know you, the person you are today. I only know the person you were six years ago.”
He takes a deep breath. He looks down at the table and then back up at me. “I loved my job. Going to law school was the best decision I’ve ever made. To be honest, there really isn’t much more to tell. My job was my life and I didn’t really do much else. I didn’t have time.�
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“No social life?” I find that hard to believe.
“The occasional office party. I left as soon as it was considered decent to do so. Not really my scene.”
I swallow. Hard. I feel as though we’re in a standoff.
Much to my relief, he goes on. “My plan was always to return to Sweetwater. When I was offered the job at my law firm, I told myself I would only stay a year. It was a really good opportunity and I would’ve been a fool to pass it up. Once I started working, there was always one more case to finish, one more loose end to tie up. I kept telling myself I would close up shop and leave. Forget everything. When Mom became ill, it gave me the reason I needed to actually do it. I guess I needed something to light a fire under me and make me do it. It wasn’t healthy for me to stay.”
He seems a little lost in thought as he speaks to me and somehow I feel as though there’s something he’s not telling me. “Wait. Not healthy? How so?”
“Uh . . . even though I loved New York, I don’t have a lot of good memories of being there. I know that doesn’t make much sense.”
I swear my entire body goes still. “Why? What happened?” Please, please, please tell me Jace. Let me in.
His eyes wander to mine. “You left me.”
Okay, I wasn’t expecting that answer. “Then why didn’t you come for me, Jace?”
“You made it very clear you wanted nothing to do with me.”
“But you didn’t even try to contact me. Not at all.”
“You took off for UCLA and started a new life. I tried to call. Your number was disconnected.”
“I bought a new phone and changed my number. I didn’t want to talk to you.”
Perplexed, he says, “But you wanted me to come after you?”
“I did. Just so I could tell you to go away.”
“Why?” His eyebrows furrow deeply.
“So you would hurt as much as I was hurting.”
His expression turns puzzled. “Why, Shay? I don’t understand.”
I let out my breath heavily. “I know you don’t.”
“Please tell me what I did that upset you so much.”