The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn (Tom Sawyer's Comrade)

by Mark Twain

  CHAPTER XIV

  By and by, when we got up, we turned over the truck the gang had stoleoff of the wreck, and found boots, and blankets, and clothes, and allsorts of other things, and a lot of books, and a spy-glass, and threeboxes of seegars. We hadn't ever been this rich before in neither ofour lives. The seegars was prime. We laid off all the afternoon in thewoods talking, and me reading the books, and having a general goodtime. I told Jim all about what happened inside the wreck and at theferryboat, and I said these kinds of things was adventures; but hesaid he didn't want no more adventures. He said that when I went inthe texas and he crawled back to get on the raft and found her gone henearly died, because he judged it was all up with _him_ anyway itcould be fixed; for if he didn't get saved he would get drownded; andif he did get saved, whoever saved him would send him back home so asto get the reward, and then Miss Watson would sell him South, sure.Well, he was right; he was most always right; he had an uncommon levelhead for a nigger. I read considerable to Jim about kings and dukesand earls and such, and how gaudy they dressed, and how much stylethey put on, and called each other and so on, 'stead of mister; andJim's eyes bugged out, and he was interested. He says:

  "I didn' know dey was so many un um. I hain't hearn 'bout none un um,skasely, but ole King Sollermun, onless you counts dem kings dat's ina pack er k'yards. How much do a king git?"

  "Get?" I says; "why, they get a thousand dollars a month if they wantit; they can have just as much as they want; everything belongs tothem."

  "_Ain'_ dat gay? En what dey got to do, Huck?"

  "_They_ don't do nothing! Why, how you talk! They just set around."

  "No; is dat so?"

  "Of course it is. They just set around--except, maybe, when there's awar; then they go to the war. But other times they just lazy around;or go hawking--just hawking and sp--Sh!--d'you hear a noise?"

  We skipped out and looked; but it warn't nothing but the flutter of asteamboat's wheel away down, coming around the point; so we come back.

  "Yes," says I, "and other times, when things is dull, they fuss withthe parlyment; and if everybody don't go just so he whacks their headsoff. But mostly they hang round the harem."

  "Roun' de which?"

  "Harem."

  "What's de harem?"

  "The place where he keeps his wives. Don't you know about the harem?Solomon had one; he had about a million wives."

  "Why, yes, dat's so; I--I'd done forgot it. A harem's a bo'd'n-house,I reck'n. Mos' likely dey has rackety times in de nussery. En I reck'nde wives quarrels considable; en dat 'crease de racket. Yit dey saySollermun de wises' man dat ever live'. I doan' take no stock in dat.Bekase why: would a wise man want to live in de mids' er sich ablim-blammin' all de time? No--'deed he wouldn't. A wise man 'ud takeen buil' a biler-factry; en den he could shet _down_ de biler-factrywhen he want to res'."

  "Well, but he _was_ the wisest man, anyway; because the widow she toldme so, her own self."

  "I doan' k'yer what de widder say, he _warn't_ no wise man nuther. Hehad some er de dad-fetchedes' ways I ever see. Does you know 'bout datchile dat he 'uz gwyne to chop in two?"

  "Yes, the widow told me all about it."

  "_Well_, den! Warn' dat de beatenes' notion in de worl'? You jes'take en look at it a minute. Dah's de stump, dah--dat's one er dewomen; heah's you--dat's de yuther one; I's Sollermun; en dish yerdollar bill's de chile. Bofe un you claims it. What does I do? Does Ishin aroun' mongs' de neighbors en fine out which un you de bill _do_b'long to, en han' it over to de right one, all safe en soun', de waydat anybody dat had any gumption would? No; I take en whack de bill in_two_, en give half un it to you, en de yuther half to de yutherwoman. Dat's de way Sollermun was gwyne to do wid de chile. Now I wantto ast you: what's de use er dat half a bill?--can't buy noth'n widit. En what use is a half a chile? I wouldn' give a dern for a millionun um."

  "But hang it, Jim, you've clean missed the point--blame it, you'vemissed it a thousand mile."

  "Who? Me? Go 'long. Doan' talk to me 'bout yo' pints. I reck'n I knowssense when I sees it; en dey ain' no sense in sich doin's as dat. De'spute warn't 'bout a half a chile, de 'spute was 'bout a whole chile;en de man dat think he kin settle a 'spute 'bout a whole chile wid ahalf a chile doan' know enough to come in out'n de rain. Doan' talk tome 'bout Sollermun, Huck, I knows him by de back."

  "But I tell you you don't get the point."

  "Blame de point! I reck'n I knows what I knows. En mine you, de _real_pint furder--it's down deeper. It lays in de way Sollermun was raised.You take a man dat's got on'y one or two chillen; is dat man gwyne tobe waseful o' chillen? No, he ain't; he can't 'ford it. _He_ know howto value 'em. But you take a man dat's got 'bout five million chillenrunnin' roun' de house, en it's diffunt. _He_ as soon chop a chile intwo as a cat. Dey's plenty mo'. A chile er two, mo' er less, warn't noconsekens to Sollermun, dad fetch him!"

  I never see such a nigger. If he got a notion in his head once, therewarn't no getting it out again. He was the most down on Solomon of anynigger I ever see. So I went to talking about other kings, and letSolomon slide. I told about Louis Sixteenth that got his head cut offin France long time ago; and about his little boy the dolphin, thatwould 'a' been a king, but they took and shut him up in jail, and somesay he died there.

  "Po' little chap."

  "But some says he got out and got away, and come to America."

  "Dat's good! But he'll be pooty lonesome--dey ain' no kings here, isdey, Huck?"

  "No."

  "Den he cain't git no situation. What he gwyne to do?"

  "Well, I don't know. Some of them gets on the police, and some of themlearns people how to talk French."

  "Why, Huck, doan' de French people talk de same way we does?"

  "_No_, Jim; you couldn't understand a word they said--not a singleword."

  "Well, now, I be ding-busted! How do dat come?"

  "_I_ don't know; but it's so. I got some of their jabber out of abook. S'pose a man was to come to you and say Polly-voo-franzy--whatwould you think?"

  "I wouldn' think nuffn; I'd take en bust him over de head--dat is, ifhe warn't white. I wouldn't 'low no nigger to call me dat."

  "Shucks, it ain't calling you anything. It's only saying, do you knowhow to talk French?"

  "Well, den, why couldn't he _say_ it?"

  "Why, he _is_ a-saying it. That's a Frenchman's _way_ of saying it."

  "Well, it's a blame ridicklous way, en I doan' want to hear no mo''bout it. Dey ain' no sense in it."

  "Looky here, Jim; does a cat talk like we do?"

  "No, a cat don't."

  "Well, does a cow?"

  "No, a cow don't, nuther."

  "Does a cat talk like a cow, or a cow talk like a cat?"

  "No, dey don't."

  "It's natural and right for 'em to talk different from each other,ain't it?"

  "Course."

  "And ain't it natural and right for a cat and a cow to talk differentfrom _us_?"

  "Why, mos' sholy it is."

  "Well, then, why ain't it natural and right for a _Frenchman_ to talkdifferent from us? You answer me that."

  "Is a cat a man, Huck?"

  "No."

  "Well, den, dey ain't no sense in a cat talkin' like a man. Is a cow aman?--er is a cow a cat?"

  "No, she ain't either of them."

  "Well, den, she ain't got no business to talk like either one er theyuther of 'em. Is a Frenchman a man?"

  "Yes."

  "_Well_, den! Dad blame it, why doan' he _talk_ like a man? You answerme _dat!"_

  I see it warn't no use wasting words--you can't learn a nigger toargue. So I quit.