All the Tricks of Their World

by T B Gayle

  God, I hope we don’t run into anyone we used to know, thought Pascal. It wasn’t that he was embarrassed to be seen with her or anything, it was more that he’d kind of be embarrassed for Isobel to see how much of a mess he’d made of growing up after she’d left and all that. Knowing his luck, they’d run into the kids who’d always chased him along the creek, or the cute girl he’d written a letter to who’d never replied and had taken to crossing to the other side of the street whenever she saw him.

  ‘It’s no big deal,’ said Pascal. He didn’t want Isobel thinking that the two of them taking some trip together meant more than it did. He’d just thought it might do her some good to get out of the city and clear her head and all that sort of thing. That’s what the country was good for: they could take a deep breath and not fill their lungs full of smog and smoke and who knows what else.

  Pascal couldn’t help wondering if that was why Isobel and her mum had come to the country in the first place. They’d been into all that deep breathing and being healthy – hippy stuff. He’d never really asked her much about it. He’d just been happy to hang out with her. He’d never really cared why they’d moved, or why Isobel didn’t have a dad or anything like that. It seemed a bit more important now, but back then he’d just been glad to have a friend.

  He glanced across at Isobel and saw that she was staring at him with these wild worried eyes. You’ve brought her back to the place her mum did a runner on her, Pascal told himself. Of course she’s not going to be walking around smiling. He felt like such an idiot. He’d just kind of hoped the memories of him and her here together might have outweighed all that.

  ‘We don’t have to stay if you don’t want,’ said Pascal. ‘I just wanted to look around again, you know. Try to feel a bit like my old self and all that.’

  That was the one thing that had worked with her these last few days: if he made things be about him, not her, then it stopped her freaking out so much. She’d only agreed to stay with him for a few nights when he’d told her how lonely he’d been feeling. She’d only unlocked the bedroom door and come out to sit with him when he’d told her he knew he wasn’t that much fun to be around.

  ‘I haven’t been doing all that great lately either, you know,’ said Pascal.

  Isobel nodded.

  He wasn’t sure if that meant she was okay with them keeping on going, or if she was saying she agreed that he looked a bit of a mess and really needed the break. He was a bit worried that it was the last one, which didn’t exactly help him feel a whole lot better. It was never great finding out that someone who didn’t think the world was real thought he really needed to pull himself together.

  Pascal wasn’t even sure how to do it. It wasn’t like he could just flick some switch and start liking himself better or anything. That was almost why he’d wanted to come back home; he’d kind of liked that kid who’d used to follow Isobel about. He’d liked him a hell of a lot more than the guy that he’d grown into. At least back then, he’d kind of felt needed. Isobel would be sailing her leaf and twig boat through the water, and it would be Pascal’s job to grab her when the time was right and say, ‘The sun’s going down.’ Then they’d run, never looking back, knowing all the creatures of the darkness were emerging from the shadows behind them. It was a thrilling chase, and they’d wind up at Pascal’s back door, puffing and panting, his mum waiting with hugs for them both. ‘You only just made it that time,’ she’d always tell them.

  ‘I could feel the monsters grabbing at me,’ he could remember Isobel saying. And he couldn’t help thinking that maybe one of them had done more than grab at her that last time they were there and the sun was setting.

  Isobel was standing a few steps behind him taking short breaths. She looked so different. It was like he could see that the kid she’d once been was still there, but it was like this piece of her was missing.

  ‘Listen, just tell me what you want to do, alright?’ he said. ‘Do you want to just disappear again, is that it? Do you want me to pretend we were never friends, that none of this happened?’

  Isobel stared at him with her wild eyes.

  ‘I’m not the girl that you liked anymore,’ said Isobel.

  ‘And you think I’m that same kid?’ said Pascal. He felt like grabbing her and making her look into his eyes and see all the dark thoughts he’d been thinking, all the times he’d felt so worthless, like no-one would care if he just disappeared like Isobel had. He wanted to tell her she wasn’t the only one thinking things like that.

  ‘Don’t you get it, Isobel?’ said Pascal. ‘I know you’re not well or whatever, but the truth is, I’d rather have you here like this than not have you round at all. Don’t you get that?’

  She was gripping her hands together tightly, her mouth clenched shut. Then, after a long pause, she started walking forward, and then past him. They kept walking until they came to the street where they’d both once lived. They gazed together at the simple brick houses that all still looked the same, at the empty paddock that they’d once run through to get to the woods that now had flats upon it. Then Isobel’s eyes fell on her old house, and Pascal could see the pain of what had happened there bubbling back up inside her.

  ‘Come on. It doesn’t matter anymore,’ said Pascal.

  He led her instead to his parent’s place and knocked on the door. After a brief wait, there was the sound of footsteps, and Pascal’s mum opened the door.

  ‘Hey,’ said Pascal. I probably should have told her we were coming, Pascal told himself. He was sure she was about to say exactly that, but then his mum noticed Isobel. Her eyes opened wide, and she threw her arms around Isobel with a squeal of happiness. Then she started shouting excitedly back into the house, ‘John, come quick. You’re not going to believe who’s here.’

  XXXVII

  Maisie was sitting on the floor of her flat, leaning against the couch and feeling quite miserable. She knew she shouldn’t have been. It shouldn’t have worried her that Pascal and the girl had gone away somewhere together with their bags packed. She should have been glad to be rid of them. But in a way it hurt; she was the one that he’d liked so much only a few days before. Which was such a stupid thing to be getting upset about when she could barely stand him. He was the last person she should have been wanting to go anywhere with. It was just that Maisie knew she had to get out of her flat. It didn’t matter who it was with. Anything would have been better than being locked inside alone, feeling like she wasn’t part of the world anymore. It was like it was all going on without her while she withered away, getting sicker and sicker. And each day it got harder to imagine ever becoming part of it again. That’s what scared her the most; she was worried that one day she’d feel so bad that she wouldn’t want to open her eyes, she wouldn’t want to keep going through it all.

  Pascal was never going to stop that, Maisie told herself. No one was. It was too easy to think that her life was only so bad because she’d made some mistake, that somewhere along the line she should have turned her head and noticed her true love walking by. There was more to it than that. She knew that no matter who she was with it wouldn’t have changed the way she was feeling.

  That’s what made it so hard; she didn’t know what was wrong with her. She didn’t know why the world and everything in it felt so wrong.

  Maisie had to shake her head; she knew she’d heard someone saying something like that before. And it hurt to think that the girl and her were anything alike. They weren’t; for starters, the girl wasn’t alone. Maisie would have done anything to have had someone there for her like the girl had.

  She couldn’t keep going like she was. She was sick and getting worse and worse. And the only one who’d seemed to care was Pascal. As she thought about him, she couldn’t help having this feeling that he was thinking of her, that he’d never stopped thinking of her, that he was outside just waiting for her to run and wrap him in her arms once more.

  Maisie rushed outside, but the only person she saw was a man in a blac
k coat leaning against the wall a few doors down. He turned to look at her, and when he did, Maisie stumbled backwards. There was something about him. She could feel this malice radiating from him like he knew who she was, like he’d been there waiting for her. Maisie reached for her door, flinging herself through it. But something wasn’t right. The room was dark. She couldn’t see. She couldn’t find the door to close it. And all the while, she could hear the man’s footsteps getting closer and closer.

  ‘We tried to help you,’ said the man. He was in the room. ‘But you were lost looking down at the shadows,’ he said.

  This isn’t happening, Maisie told herself. She knew she’d open her eyes, like all those times before, and she’d be back in her flat with the lights shining. She’d be sitting by her couch wondering why she didn’t just get up, why she didn’t go out, why she’d let it all get to her like she had.

  ‘Did you think the lights shone by themselves?’ said the man. ‘Did you think you could stay when you had nothing to give?’ He started lifting Maisie to her feet.

  I have things to give, Maisie wanted to tell him. She’d just had a bad few months. And she’d been trying to fight it. She’d been trying to get better. He didn’t understand. This wasn’t what she was like.

  She tried to turn back but the man shoved her forward. And with every stumbling step she took it was like the room was getting darker and darker. A coldness was creeping through her. Something was shifting in the darkness. With wide eyes, unable to move, Maisie stared as giant shadows surrounded her, their booming voices telling her over and over again that she was doomed. The strange thing was, it was like she’d been hearing those same voices the whole time she’d been getting sicker.

  ‘You are nothing and no one,’ roared the shadows. And Maisie knew what was going to happen but there was nothing she could do. She’d been lost to dark thoughts for too long and now they were going to take her. It was all going to be over. But as the shadows reached down for her with their massive claws, Maisie couldn't help imagining the girl in their place. ‘Why are your eyes still so bright?’ she said. And something about that shook her out of the gloomy mood she was in. It was like Maisie was seeing herself as the girl had seen her. And she wasn’t staring down at a shrivelling sick wreck of hopelessness. She was looking down instead at someone who was amazing, someone who’d just needed to remember that.

  A light cut through the darkness. It followed Maisie’s gaze as she stared down the shadows. Their voices stopped roaring. All of a sudden, they looked like they wanted to come back another day when she wasn’t feeling quite so well. But Maisie wasn’t about to let that happen. She leapt into the air, kicking from one shadow to the next, light bursting from her hands. And when the last of the shadows fell, Maisie was left standing alone, the outline of a bridge in the darkness before her.